Thighs Wide Shut

– Lara Flynn Boyle was so desperate to join the Mile High Club on a flight from London to LA recently that she flashed her Twin Peaks at crew members and tried to jump into the bed of a stranger. And I ask you, what would have been more entertaining to watch unfold on a plane, LFB’s flashdance or Peter Buck’s yogurt throwing incident?

– Who knew that Sylvester Stallone was born deformed? I juss assumed he was run over by a car.

– Scramblin to find that purrrrfect Valentine’s Day gift? Scramble no further, cause nothing sez I Heart You more than a painting of Steve Perry from Journey done up as Robocop or NSFW Japanese Anime dolls that poop. [via Ad Mich & Warner Sistahs]

– According to some bizatch neurologist/psychiatrist Her Royal Thighness the II, Cuthy-Cuthbert, is “strong-minded, ambitious and aggressive” because she likes whipped cream on her Tazo Chai Tea Latte. What he doesn’t know is that she also loves smattering ounces of whipped cream all over her precious body for her King to lick off. What does that tell you about her Dr Jerkface?

– We all know Stereogum is a haven for good music info (and Lionel Richie clay head obsessions), but the comments section? It’s one thing for Grambo to quote from it in his ‘quote-a-matic’ section, but The Boston Herald? Bloggah plizeassssssse.

– It’s official, Andy Rooney’s starting to lose it.

– It’s official, I’m not heteroflexible, but very metroflexible. This past weekend I joined Mumsy & Sister Thigh Master at the gay/family confines of Rehoboth Beach, DE. Although I did opt out of the massage fest (due to my impending Eurotrip, sans Michelle Trachentehenbroke), I did indulge in a sophisticamactatted hour long pedicure. Any fellas, if you’ve never gotttten one, you owe it to yourself to gets one. I mean, do you want to clean your feet?

– The story of the week isn’t Iraqi people voting, but A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. [via Gulf of Sonkin]

– Well, if that man hadn’t peeeeed his way out of an avalanche, this spoon-shaped egg may have been the story of the week… hispecially since it’s Bitched @ Swirth with the giant cock & balls sculpture from A Cockwork Orange.

– Speaking of Bitched @ Swirthnessness, My Man Marvkus spotted a poster at les Twerps’ triumph over dem Yellow Jackets last night (DJ Strawbizzle who?) that displayed the ugly mugs of both Nappy Dyna & GT center Luke Schenscher. Enjoy!

– Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game HERE! [via Navi via BeantownSportsGuy]

– If Jamie Foxx doesn’t win the Best Actor Oscar, Chris Rock is going to steal one ‘ from one of the sound or light people that win and give it to him.’

– Audrey Tautou possib on board for Opie’s da Da Vinci Code. Look, I love the wide-eyed French femme, but is this going to make the movie too sugary and cutesy? Regardless, the only thing that would keep me from seeing it would be if they cast Vince Vaughn.

– Last week during the Inauguration festives, CBS shmaltz specialist Steve Hartman headed to DC in search of President Bush in the flesh. Along the way he petted an armadillo, sat on a cow, paid a visit and cash to a scalper, took in a Hilary Muff performance, and yes, finally caught a glimpse of The Double-U himself.

– Have you been terribly jonesing since the days that fat Star Wars Kid took over the world (the Psycho remix is a personal flav)? Well, I guess we could call this a sequel [speakers ON]. And by this, I mean a fat kid gettin all jiggy to a Romanian techno song, on a webcam. Gawd bless the internerd. [much loved link via Ceffle]

– And whilst wees at-at it, why not take a peep at this video remix thingie about how messed up our gov’mint is. [via Juwanamaker]

– Five Things You Didn’t Know About Natalie Portman, but really won’t care to remember either!

– Is the world really ready for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo? Well, I know my dad is.

– Noel Gallagher hates Christmas.

– Nevada Judge Throws Out Lap-Dance Law

– Cuthbert pic w/NSFW see-thru top? Sounds too good to be true, cause it probably is… [via Clevetown Mustard King] Instead, how bout something so real, it’ll make you wet your pants in a good way, like its twin pic did to you last go around…

– I’m happy to report that it looks like things are getting back to normal in Thailand… like teaching their elephants to paint, dance, play musical instruments, and of course, take dumps like you and mies van der Rohe. What’s left to teach them? The courtesy flush? [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Guess where I’ll be May 22nd? At GW’s graduation to hear commencement speaker Andy Rooney. Great idea Colonials. He’ll really inspire them kids to do great things, like hate paper clips and they way people drive.

– Guess where I won’t be ever? Lil Kim’s clam bake. Microwaved tunafish nastinessness!!! [totally NSFWness via Pink Parts]

– Move over BK, cause this woman’s vagina is the real home of the whopper.

– Happy belated b-day to Mumsy ThighMaster (don’t worry, I called her yesterday). And a merry 35th b-day to Skeet Ulrich. The coolest thing about u is when Chris Rock introduced Johnny Depp as ‘a richman’s Skeet Ulrich‘.

– In the Gawd Help Us All department… David Brent signs on for Mission Impossible III, there’s gonna be a Spaceballs: The Cartoon, and a pastability of Taxi Driver II!?!?! Yuckerkarkq^iab#h$yikes!! Lettuce all pray they aint thinking about making Taxi II. [2nd link via Brad Foreskin and 3rd via The Fid Diddler]

– I love that I’m huge in Norway and StereoScizzle is bigger there than Jesus AND IMDB!!

– Is Kaylee DeFer the new Jessica Alba? I dunno, maybe we’ll need a rear view like this before making such a call.

– Todd Phillips apparently left the Borat movie because he’s a patriotic pu$$y.

– Chewbacca and Princess Leia, like you’ve never seen them before.

– Few things beat the whole burning sensation one’s testes acquire after teabagging Bilbo Baggins with some eggnog raggin flaggins. Is it safe to say that Peabs is our generation’s ee cummingsonmyface? Bozzle!

– Ooops, I did it again. But this time it was my stalking of the other Spears, J-L stizz, that put me behind bars. Damn you Trent and all your fingers that be firmly on the pulse.

– Finally, Mischa who?

CTU is in shambles these days. What kind of a counter-terrorism unit fires its best, and most proficient mouth breather, yet retains the services of the ever annoying and Dark Crystal lookin Chloe O’Brian/Mary Lynn Rajskub, hires an inept and bumblin’ ex-Sopranos FBI agent, and assigns one of it’s finest wurst wurstest wurstestest special agents, Erin E-coli, to run the place. I mean, not only does her character make disastrous decisions about every 4 seconds, but she is one le mos awful awfuller awfulistic microwaved-tunaish actresses in modern history. And what’s with that fugtacular hair bizatchazoid? You’re so tres nasT, that I’d rather bang Nina Bangs or Lester Bangs, than get anywhere near you and yer she-bangs.

– This just in: PITT & ANISTON SPLITSVILLE! DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! KERRY CHOOSES GEPHARDT! THIGHSMAN LOVES CORN!

– Records are made to be broken, even if they involve Rubik’s Cube [wma vid via Lou Malnati’s #1 Fan]

– McShoarma: the commercial. [via Ultrrramint via Jedidiah]

– Speaking of McDoogle’s, who knew they had a catalog, let alone one loaded with such goodies as: a Big Mac lookin’ mug/pen/towel/paper cube, Let’s Go To McDonald’s® Game (it’s no game, it’s a lifestyle), Titleist® balls, Ronald action figure set, more mugs, am ‘i’m lovin’ it™‘ Trucker’s hat and what has got to be their lowest selling item, a gym bag.

– Jay-Z vs. Nena, ‘99 Luft Problems‘. Thanks gord! I mean, how many moons is this mash-up overdue? [via My Man Marvkus via Leafblower via BlueState]

– Kelisnas Naskelis

– BRIT Awards noms announced. U2, Archdukes, and Scizssiors Sistahs will perform. Why do American award shows, besides the Oscars, blow kak muffins?

– Lettuce all cross our finger-banging fingers for a Director’s Cut of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. Hopefully one of the 17 cut scenes features Chris Isaak serenading a heavy breathing Kiefer Sutherland with ‘Wicked Game’, while a midget dances.

– Best of luck Halps. Send me some neutral chocolate, watches, and bank accounts. And if you see Pirmin Zurbriggen or Simon Ammann, do send my love.

– Mouse pad couch. [via Steak & Shaker]

– ‘Dizzee Rascal likes razzleberry falafel waffles‘. What kind of genius could pen such penis (genius + pen = penis)? Yeats? Keats? Yates? Tina Yothers? Nope, the Coz.

– Man Eats Raw Duck Before Undies Save Him. Come again? …and all over my face?

– And did I mention how much 24 is lacking in uber-udder-ultra-ulti-umbro-hotness this season? I mean, no one could run away from homicidal maniacs, bears, and Matt Dillon’s brother AND look good, they that you did kid. Kisses on yer Hershey highway to your thighway.

– Word has it that Her Former Royal Thighness and Fez are gettin it on again. Maybe he had second thoughts after her thighs slimmed down.

– The Spice Girls to reunite… for a baptism?!

– Scarlett Johansson, the next Queen of England?

– Somebody call in Will Smith, cause we’re gonna need him to take down HUBO. ‘Ah, hellllz no!’

– Speaking of Humanoids, Daft Punk will drop their third LP, Human After All, in March of Oh-Five!

– Fockers, so far 41% rotten.

– Inspired by Kanye West, The Archdukes want to make a hip-hop record. I’m sure this news will make Angelina’s panties all wet.

– Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is a fine actor, but no one should ever play Elvis eggcept for Michael St. Gerard.

– On MTV2’s Subterranean last week, Le Tigre hate on Limp Bizkit and love on LL. Click here for the vid.

– On Saturday, January 8th at 7:00 p.m. at the DirectorsÂ’ Guild Theater, The Museum of the Moving Image will present a special screening of Sideways, followed by a discussion with stars Paul Giamatti, Virginia Madsen, and Thomas Haden Church. Tix are $18 for the public and $12 for Museum members. Tickets go on sale Wednesday, December 22 at 10:00 a.m. Call (718) 784-4520 to reserve yours now.

– Can you imagine having a baby that only weighed an 8.6 ounces? Or how bout giving birth to Refrigerator Perry, who entered the world at 13 1/2 pounds (btw, u can hire him for your next event)! I feel bad for my mumsy cause I popped out at 10 hefty lbs! My gynormus size inspired me papa to (unsuccessfully) get one of those ‘Home of the Whopper’ banners from Burger King. See, I was born fat and with fast food on the brain. Too bad BK has the world’s wurstest fries!

– Nothing sez Merry Chrismukkah like a Nixon Bowling Bobblehead or Doggy Poo.

– Disneyland, the orgy [sorta NSFW via Metafilter]