Thighs Wide Shut

Sophie Scholl: The Final Days
Somewhere MLK Jr and Gandhi Are Playing Table Tennis Smiling
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Here we go again folks, another belatedly released overly superb Germanic-crafted film that focuses on the Fatherland and NOT the Holocaust amidst WWII to get hosed on Oscar night in the Best Foreign Language category. Last year it was Downfall that got the bozak, although winner The Sea Inside was so bestest, it shoulda taken home the Best OVERALL Picture statue. Not nearly as intense as the intense D-fall, SS:TFD does pack a dollop of wallop all its own, and may be more intense than being admitted into intensive care at the University of Tennessee’s Intesive Care unit at their intense hospital (should all of that been written in the past tense? I dunno, I’m too tensed to deal. Anyone for tense-is? Wouldn’t that be nice!) Ech! Anywho, Sophie was a real person and WWII was a real war. Sophie strongly believed her country was headed in the wrong direction, so with the aid of her brother and a few udders, she stood up in a time of not standing up, by passing out pamphlets speakin nuttin but the truth. But this is Nazi Germany and since the Jews obviously don’t control the media, there’s no freedom of speech. Sophie and her coconspirators get caught and the movie takes us up to… her final days. And even with that in mind, there’s still the element of sirprize til the credits roll. What are those sirprizes? Crazy orgy scenes great filmmaking, in a very subtle way.

Recommended for those who like: bobby pins, ye olde copy machines, and Germans who sound like Hitler when they scream… wait, doesn’t every German, I mean Nazi, I mean German?

Possible Porno Name: Sophie’s Choice of Shaved Balls, For Her Final Lays

Unsatisfied with this? Ignore Ebert and Netflix Swing Kids

Apt MPupil3: ‘Die Fucking Nazi’ by Diabolic Vomit [d vis Corpse]

The Mo You Know: Learns all about Sophie and her White Rose movment, which should never be confused with the White Rose company that makes les ghetto generic grocery store items

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

BO( Jackson a)NUS!
Sophie channeler Julia Jentsch, or JJerman, as I like to call her, is probably my mos favorite Germanic actress of the 2005s and 06s!! She educated me on her hotness in The Edukators, co-starring probably my mos favorite Spanish-Germanic actor of the 2005s and 06s, Daniel Brühl!! I love JJermans!!!

The Confederate States of America
Rebel Yell Nil
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Have you seen Spike Lee’s mos challenging joint to date, which tackles USA’s olden time exploitation of the black man in USA’s modern time, Bamboozled? If no, turn to page 16, or go to wherever fine DVDs are rented. If yes, good, you’ve already seen the movie that The Confederate States of America wishes it was 1/1873664th as good as. Franztastic premise, lousy eggzecution. Oddly Jointly enuff, this movie was ‘Presented by’ Spike. Don’t waste yer money on a theater viewing, and wait for it to air on Spike TV.

Recommended for those who like: the shitty aesthetics of UHF‘s commercials and shows, my photoshop skillz, and Mississippi mascots

Possible Porno Name: The Conjugal Stains of Elmira’s Cunt

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix READ a more interesting, more effective bit of revisionist, what if, history, Philip Roth’s The Plot Against America

Apt MPupil3s: the Tales of Uncle Remus LP from Disney’s Song of the South [d all here ]

Add To Muss Visit List: The Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia, at Ferris State U

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): A Lot of Effin Merit, But Forkin No Stinkin Badges FOR YOU!!

Bill Paxton’s a$$
aint got nuttin on my a$$
and the fake internet a$$
I have proclaimed and claimed to have had…

Schlepisode I
The Phantom Red Menace & Her Crab Infested Pubes

Schlepisode II
Attack of the Blonde Deez Nuts Boston Tea Party Baging Her

Schlepisode III
Revenge of My Stiffy, Below My Borscht Belt

Schlepisode IV
A New Pope Consummates A Charlotte Church

Schlepisode V
The Boobless Strike Back On The Big Boob Lover

Schlepisode VI
Return of The Making James Hasty Decisions on the Red-Eye

Schlepisode VII
Hopefully Not The Beginninining of the Postquel Postilogy

but my loves
for all my lovelies
aint as lovie dovie
as my love for Lovie Smith

GNARLS!!

2) Give suggestions and feedback, by way of Yahoo! Groups, to the good folks behind the upcoming Bob Ross painting video game. Yes, you read that write, Bob Ross painting video game!! [vis Z Del Roachclip]

3) If you gots an AMEX card then go-go gadget get yer Tribeca Film Festival tix now, before all the goo shit is gone. Their on-line ticketing system kinda blows, but I aint gonna kvetch since a lot o the films are hactually playing in real movie theaters this year. Personally, I gotz pretty much all that I wanted + a bunch mo (14 total), sans the Jeff Garlin Cheese flick

4) Go gaga for the Dada eggzibit currently on display at DC’s National Gallery of Tarts. Don’t worry jew yorkers, it’ll hit MoMA in early June

5) Whether we like it or not, it’s Gaysball season, so go buy an effin hat already. I recommend pickin up any Franchise hat made by the geniuses of Twins Enterprise (can’t bee leave it took someone this long to make hats that look and feel like you’ve owned them for 2 years). The lamely named Lids is a good spot to get em, hispecially since when you buy one hat yer next one is 1/2 off. I myself mcnabbed a Nationals Brown Marlin dazzle and a STL blue flazzle (I hate baseball, yet I have three flavorite teams, go finger)

6) Catch me gettin my freak freak on at the Sounds or Ladytron shows, both at Irving Platz this week

7) Watch the bros Weinstein beat off on each other

8) See a Terrence Malick movie in theaters that probably won’t bore us to death. Days of Heaven opens at the Film Forum, home of the wurst seats in town, this Friday

9) Do not d-lode this tres awful cover of del Gorillaz’ ‘Feel Good Inc’ by the Editors [d vis A Giant]

10) Ensure that yer Invasion TiVo/DVR/Dildo season pass is all set to gogh, cause new episodes, FRYNALLY, start again next Wednesday

11) Looking for that one perfect travel companion? Try Bicycle brand cards’ Sudoku – 50 Puzzle pack on for size thighs

12) Mark April 25th on yer calendar

13) Pluck yer effin unibrow, you hairy bizatch!!

Dude,

To make a long story short, too late [wav], I went to the toon-less Gorillaz show on Sunday, sold my tickets to Wednesday’s show, so I could take in my Nats beating up on the Mets at Chez Ghetto Shea, in sub-zero April conditions, with the dude from Queensrÿche singing the national anthem and Jim Breüer throwing out the first pitch, so anywayz, the guy who bought my Wednesday tickets thought the tickets were for Thursday, so he shows up last night and BAMMM realizes his error. Tough luck. My heart goes out to you kid. But THEN, I’m sittin in my fat condo overlooking the Hudson, doing my laundry, washing my balls, you know, a typical Thursday night, a lightbulb goes off in my head (and I invented the flux capacitor) , and without further ado, I checked ole reliable (c’s list) for any desperate peeps trying to dump their Thursday night Gorillaz tix at the last minute. I contacted the only person who had left a cell # in their posting, cause it was proably too late to catch someone by email, and after haggling with him for all of 8 seconds, like I was Hacksaw Jim Dugan or something, I got him to sells it to me for 20 bones under its face + BS ticketbastard priced value. Turns out these seats were better than Sunday’s, the cartoons did work, Dennis Hopper did read, and once again, Ike Turner did wear something funky AND the Gorillaz did puts on one of the mos enjoyable 70 minutes anyone could have possib-bllyen ever did see. And you won’ts bee leave me, but I actually preferred the toon-less version on Sunday night. It’s the music, not the look. Someone pass that message along to the Strokes. Re-guard-lezzz, 2nd best Gorillaz show I’ve seen this week by far, and mos def bestest spontaneous moment of me’s in the 00’s. Albarn = albest, ad infinitum. Bless your soul

+ I spotted David Gilmour at the show, and possibly someone who looks like Nick Mason, or was it Richard Wright, or was it George Mason?
+ Music Snob turns his stalkin and smooching (?) towards Damon Albest… Lucky bastage

Now I feel kinda embarrassed that I dubbed tATu’s D&M album the tops o’ der year 0-5, not cause it’s tATu, cause they’re better than the Rolling Stones, but cause Demon Days deserved that honor, but not juss for last year, but of this new century, which is by far the wurstest century I’ve ever lived it. Thanks Republicans!!!

But is all the Gorillaz magic dunzo like dumbo drinkin that courvoisier?

Meanwhile, Albarn coconspirator Alex James has apparently been having a pow-wow with Betty Boo. Can you say ‘Wigwam’ by Wigwam [d, vis JJ Binks]… which juss happens to be the fourth breastest song of the week behind Ghostface + Wu-Tang’s ‘9 Milli Bros’ [d], Gnarls Bizzle ‘s ‘Gone Daddy Gone’, and of course, still at #1, WUBBA-WUBBA, ‘Crazy’, (you can find those ‘d’s two posts below, son!)

And

Cuthbest, officially Canandanada’s Patron of Sexy Hair

and

PINDERRR!!!

The 2006 NFL schedule has been unleashed!

And since everyone loves del Skins, and messiah-at-large, Daniel Jewmoney Snyder

Sep 11 – Minnesota, 7:00pm WIN
Sep 17 – @Dallas, 8:15pm WIN
Sep 24 – @Houston, 1:00pm WIN
Oct 1 – Jacksonville, 4:15pm WIN
Oct 8 – @N.Y. Giants, 1:00pm WIN
Oct 15 – Tennessee, 1:00pm WIN
Oct 22 – @Indianapolis, 4:15pm WIN
Week 8 – BYE WIN
Nov 5 – Dallas, 1:00pm WIN
Nov 12 – @Philadelphia, 1:00pm WIN
Nov 19 – @Tampa Bay, 1:00pm WIN
Nov 26 – Carolina, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 3 – Atlanta, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 10 – Philadelphia, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 17 – @New Orleans, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 24 – @St. Louis, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 30 – N.Y. Giants, 8:00pm WIN

17 and OH, inculding a huge upset over BYE
You heard it here furst!!!
(or more like 11-5… if Mark Brunell can last more than 2 games)

and btw, Antwaaaan is…

for Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, and mall openings

GO NATS, until it’s August!

and Andy Rooney on Katie Couric [via General Scarecroffs]