Thighs Wide Shut

newly minted
19
and still fit
to be a queen

who ALSO shares the exact birth date
wit this cumilicious comrade

[props de leon to Choir Singer for the heads down]
but then again, I think I’m in a hurry to move on to my next Russian dressing maker…

Miss Russia 2006
Aleksandra Ivanovskaya

[more]

Clean and Somersault
Girls Lives, Interrupted
C Trailer & S Trailer

I’m usually no fan of movie reviews that tackle two flicks at one time, but hey, I’m also not a fan of microwaved tunafish, and my mum got me a cake made of one for my 6th b-day party and there aint nuttin I can do about it. Now that we’ve gotten that vagina smellin bidness off our hairy baboon chest… On the surface, Clean and Somersault don’t have much in common, but underneath the covers, they do. Both were highly touted and awarded films in 2004. Somersault basically cleaned house at that year’s Australian Film Institute awards (like that’s some kinda feat) and Maggie Cheung took home the Best Actress prize at that year’s Cannes Film Festival, and for good reason, I mean, she had to speak in 3 different languages and go from burn out to makeshift mother in less time then it takes make 236 minute rice. And both of these simplistic lil gems are finally gettin their long overdue stateside releases. The two’s themes are also similar in nature. Both feature a female who encounter something tragic very early on and spend the rest of the movie trying to pick up the pieces. In C, Ms Cheung’s rockstar lover ODs, forcing her to get a life, hispecially if she ever wants to see her cherubic son again. In S, plucky newcomer Abbie Cornish gets caught playing kissy with mum’s b-friend, and runs away hoping to find life’s answers elsewhere. Along the course of their emotional journeys, both ladies suffer plenty of setbacks. But they also both move closer to the direction they should be heading in, with the help of a male figure (DUHVS course). In C, it’s the always grizzly, always great Nick Nolte, and in S, it’s some dude who looks like a mulleted Pierce Brosnan. So was the 2 year delay worth the wait? Not its wait in gold, but then again, what is? Nothing really, ‘sides the Alabama leprechaun!

Recommended for those who like: the male portion of Mazzy Star (wait, there’s a dude, in Mazzy Star?), British Petroleum, and Finley Quaye‘s sorta nephew

Possible Porno Names: Cum Clean, & All Over My Genes and Cumtasteslikesalt

Unsatisfied with these?: Netflix the ultimate in changing ladies changing into ladies, Tootsie

(Not) Fun w/Google: only 33 results for ‘clean somersault‘ and 3 for ‘dirty somersault‘?

Apt MPupil3: ‘Girl, You’ll be A Woman Soon’ by Neil Diamond AND Urge Overkill [d & d], and for shaz and goggles, ‘Time To Change’ by the Brady Kids [d]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): both are Jeepers Worth A Peepers, but if you had to choose one over the other, wash yer effin hands and get Clean

Somersault opens in limited release the Friday, and Clean, a week later

Hornish for More Cornish?: Me too!! Don’t worry aussie tossers cause the Ashely Judded-faced shelia will appear in three future flicks that all feature some of Australia’s top acting brass. There’s Ridley Scott’s A Good Year wit Russell Crowe, Elizabeth: The Golden Age wit Cate Blanchett, in the TITular role 1nce again, and Candy wit Heath Ledger as her lover. She also juss signed up for Kimberley Pierce’s next joint.

If the webmaster of NonUsHotties.8k.com could get his shit together, we woulda been all over this Cornish hen ages ago!!

CORN!!!

ISH!!!!

Dude, I think I juss shot a lode on my cpu that looks like an egg yolk!!

And now you can see her speak! [NSFW Real Media stazzle]

And oh yeah…

BOWERY PRESENTS @ WEBSTER HALL:

***CHARLATANS UK***

Webster Hall (125 East 11th St, NYC)
May 16 (Tue) / 8pm doors
$25 advance – $30 day of show / 18+
ON SALE WEDNESDAY @ NOON!!!

‘The Only One I Know’ [d]

Gnarls Barkley
‘Crazy’
Live on BBC’s Top of the Pops
4/16/06

Get this video and more at MySpace.com
Bless their souls… hispecially for stealing from the Captain’s, of Cpt & Tennille fame, closet

Aint old enuff to buy yer own beatoff matz, or wish you could go back to days the pre-pube-best-ants? Tune yer peepage and hold yer pee-pee-nis in yer hand this Friday as a new Miss USA will be crowned, in Baltimore of all friggin places. My money and the honey all over my junk is on Ms Penn, whose station I totally want to park my love train sil’vain-YA in. Bonus lotion and tissue points for having Nancy O’Bestest co-hostin.

Gran’ma’s gonzo so it’s safe to loaf the Fiery Furnaces again. Their new album Bitter Tea drops today and they’ll be at the Bowery Ballroom Wednesday. Think I’m gonna be there? Whatta you sphinx? Sample the goods: ‘Benton Harbor Blues’ [d]

How many Orson Welles undiscovered hatchet-jobbed movies are there out there? I have no idea, but I’ve never heard of his Mr. Arkadin and I can’t wait to watch all three versions that the good folks over at the Criterion Collection have assembled into one lil package!

Grow a penis and join myspace already!! Why? So you can be my friend, or I’ll let you think that I’m yer friend you pathetic mushroom licker! And more importantly, get phat invites to free shit, like the Franz Ferdinand show doctor’s appointment I attended Friday afternoon

So what’s yer lame-a$$ eggscuse for not DVR/TiVoing Pardon The Interruption? Well, you gots none no mo you pod heads as PTI is now available for p-casting! Cozy up to these sweet sounds of Kornheiser before he makes his mark for good in the MNF booth

Drink Coke. Jack White does, and so does anyone else with taste [vis Modge Podge]

Ebert’s Overlooked Film Fest begins next Wednesday in the always smelly campus of the U of I in Champagne/Urbana. If you count yer lucky stars, maybe the ‘bert himself will eat the Milk Duds you dropped on the floor

Go bowling in Harlem! Wait, their prices are like fity cents cheaper than Bowlmor‘?! Wha the le forge? Yer better off saving that money and smokin the world’s best endo in Haarlem

We already told you that the Eels are comin to yer town, and if u enter this contest you can win a pair of tix when they does… unless of course yer a NYer, cause the show’s already free

Please, watch Invasion!! It’s butter than Lost and the chicks are way hottier (even if there are only 4, and one is like 8, you sick fuck!). And if you do watch it, I promise to let a certain Sio wav file grace the pages of TWS.org again

Whilst we wait for the resurrection of the new Jesus, the 2nd Ave Deli, fly yoself to Florida and hit up this one [Dis-claim-her: wees never eaten at this deli, let alone been to Florida since we went to Universal Studios back in the ’91 and saw them filming the pilot ep for Clarissa Explains It All… I mean, is there any reason to go back to FLA after that?]

One to d this week: ‘Stop The Damns’ [d], Gorillaz b-side, off of ‘El Manana’ / ‘Kids With Guns’ single [Snatch de la Roachclipper Jonestown Massacre]

Who do college b-ball coaches hate more than Duke? Cancer! Buy tix to November’s annual classic semis and final NOW! I did, cause I hate cancer almost more than I hate Duke, Nazis, and Republicans

No shaving necessary this week folks, juss eat as many fried sweet yellow plantains (maduros) as humanly possible. Chocolate sauce optional, but recommended. Where to find the breast? Head on over to Malecon Restaurant II in the UWS. Even the great Alfred Molina dines there, and afterwards rapes women with his tentacle arms

and
someone
PLEASE
do the
thing
in between
the bestest last Kubrick movie
and
yours drooly

i thigh for your sins