Hacktivities

Aint old enuff to buy yer own beatoff matz, or wish you could go back to days the pre-pube-best-ants? Tune yer peepage and hold yer pee-pee-nis in yer hand this Friday as a new Miss USA will be crowned, in Baltimore of all friggin places. My money and the honey all over my junk is on Ms Penn, whose station I totally want to park my love train sil’vain-YA in. Bonus lotion and tissue points for having Nancy O’Bestest co-hostin.

Gran’ma’s gonzo so it’s safe to loaf the Fiery Furnaces again. Their new album Bitter Tea drops today and they’ll be at the Bowery Ballroom Wednesday. Think I’m gonna be there? Whatta you sphinx? Sample the goods: ‘Benton Harbor Blues’ [d]

How many Orson Welles undiscovered hatchet-jobbed movies are there out there? I have no idea, but I’ve never heard of his Mr. Arkadin and I can’t wait to watch all three versions that the good folks over at the Criterion Collection have assembled into one lil package!

Grow a penis and join myspace already!! Why? So you can be my friend, or I’ll let you think that I’m yer friend you pathetic mushroom licker! And more importantly, get phat invites to free shit, like the Franz Ferdinand show doctor’s appointment I attended Friday afternoon

So what’s yer lame-a$$ eggscuse for not DVR/TiVoing Pardon The Interruption? Well, you gots none no mo you pod heads as PTI is now available for p-casting! Cozy up to these sweet sounds of Kornheiser before he makes his mark for good in the MNF booth

Drink Coke. Jack White does, and so does anyone else with taste [vis Modge Podge]

Ebert’s Overlooked Film Fest begins next Wednesday in the always smelly campus of the U of I in Champagne/Urbana. If you count yer lucky stars, maybe the ‘bert himself will eat the Milk Duds you dropped on the floor

Go bowling in Harlem! Wait, their prices are like fity cents cheaper than Bowlmor‘?! Wha the le forge? Yer better off saving that money and smokin the world’s best endo in Haarlem

We already told you that the Eels are comin to yer town, and if u enter this contest you can win a pair of tix when they does… unless of course yer a NYer, cause the show’s already free

Please, watch Invasion!! It’s butter than Lost and the chicks are way hottier (even if there are only 4, and one is like 8, you sick fuck!). And if you do watch it, I promise to let a certain Sio wav file grace the pages of TWS.org again

Whilst we wait for the resurrection of the new Jesus, the 2nd Ave Deli, fly yoself to Florida and hit up this one [Dis-claim-her: wees never eaten at this deli, let alone been to Florida since we went to Universal Studios back in the ’91 and saw them filming the pilot ep for Clarissa Explains It All… I mean, is there any reason to go back to FLA after that?]

One to d this week: ‘Stop The Damns’ [d], Gorillaz b-side, off of ‘El Manana’ / ‘Kids With Guns’ single [Snatch de la Roachclipper Jonestown Massacre]

Who do college b-ball coaches hate more than Duke? Cancer! Buy tix to November’s annual classic semis and final NOW! I did, cause I hate cancer almost more than I hate Duke, Nazis, and Republicans

No shaving necessary this week folks, juss eat as many fried sweet yellow plantains (maduros) as humanly possible. Chocolate sauce optional, but recommended. Where to find the breast? Head on over to Malecon Restaurant II in the UWS. Even the great Alfred Molina dines there, and afterwards rapes women with his tentacle arms

and
someone
PLEASE
do the
thing
in between
the bestest last Kubrick movie
and
yours drooly

i thigh for your sins