Thighs Wide Shut

Gnarls Barkley
Webster Hall (sucks)
5/22/06

Yep, the spandex crotch shot pretty much sums up what a GBarks show is like: packed and tight. 45 minutes of fun and we were dunn. While Dangermouse was twiddling knobs, and the backing band was pseudo-Revolutionizing, Cee-Lo hit all the high notes he needed to, well, when he wasn’t panting or pointing P-Diddy out in the crowd. Everything sounded the way it should, cept ‘Gone Daddy Gone’, which sadly didn’t stand up to the verz on the record. The only thing that coulda made for a better hexperience was if I saw this show well before I started gettin sick of hearing ‘Crazy’, which was oh, the day the tickets went on sale

want mo?
+ Music Leg Humper (who I graciously stole the crotch shot from)
+ Vegan (who I graciously stole sum of del links from)
+ Strawberry Poptarded
+ David Byrne hearts the GeeBees
+ snaps
+ vids from the LA Roxy show

…for next season’s 24

endless Chinese water torture
at the hands of the always Lethal
Al Leong

who has
‘must appear shirtless’
written in to all of his contractsChloe’s outta nowhere
gay ex-husband
becomes the next President

or the new Mrs Miles Papazian

while former President
Richard M Nixon Logan
breaks outta Arkham Asylum

and terrorizes the city
under his new moniker
llon Tandro

while Cuthies
at Soul Man’s insistence
becomes a terrorist porn star

and sez
‘Don’t you want to f#ck me, you capitalist pig?’
ad infinitum

while Cuthies mountainous stalker
Johnny Drama

gets leg implants
and becomes the new 4head of CTU

while Edgar’s Italian mafia
pals avenge his death

while he’s porkin Vito in heaven

while Kiefer
enlists the
Lost Boys sax playa
to help save the world
from Christopher Henderson

who has been resurrected as Robocop
and out to make the world eat maggots

Leon spinks I forgot all about our current and mos luscious jackson of Her Royal Thighnesseses, Camilla Who Rungeth Ma Albert’s Liberty Taco Belle? I didn’t, but you did, you JERKS and JERKETTES! Well, she got into a bit o trouble a few months back and had waz forced to go all underground hiding and shit thru Thighland’s Jehovah Witness Relocation Program. They totally made her ditch her identity and loosen her panties and made her up to look like the Baroness, for her own security, and for my own sick perverted animated porn fantasies with the first lady of Cobra

But she’s back-tion like Action Jackson (if they ever went all sequel on us and stuff), and been busier and bustier than ever, with my doctor ordered 18 daily HJs, tossing out all the bananas from our bags of Runts, and the mos daunting task of dem all, taking Sio Jr and Edgar Jr to Hebrew school. You can’t imagine how much of my DNA dem kids gots. I never wanted to go either, and I complained so much to my rents that they took me out.

Two things that should be important, but really isnaren’t: Bonds on Babe and Marissa Coop flying the coop

Two things no one ever wanted to see together: Cuthbert AND rape

60 minutes well spent that you probsbbsbsly spent elsewhere, like watching crap on CrapTV: 60 Minutes‘s 60 minutes of nuttin but Mike Wallace. I doubt it’ll be this grand when Morley Safer calls it quits

Paris Hilton has delayed the release of her debut album because she wants to include a cover of Gnarls Barkley’s Crazy [Menyinc] If we count our lucky starz, maybe she’ll delay it even more than more and cover ‘Ebony and Ivory’ with Perez! Can you say Apocalypse 91 now?

¿¿¿Tommy Hilfiger pummeled Axl Rose??? What? Did Hilf throw Buckethead’s bucket over W Rose’s head, at Rosario’s b-day shabang?

EW operation dumbo dropped The 25 Best Music Websites in their shlumble opinion. I think they’re a bunch of effin carnivores, cause how else could they explain the omission of the single bestest music site on the interwebs/nets/netwebs, Brooklyn Vegan. Bastages!! I bet if they did a Top 25 Thigh-Related sites thingamajig, we wouldn’t even make the top million billion

Flyest semi-undiscovered singer I last mentioned in Rocktober of ’04 but wanted to bring to yer attention 1nce again cause I came all over across her myspace page and she’s still mad fly and I’m totally headICKted to her knees’ beesish song ‘Here With You’: Marie’ Digby

Sites that juss went live, that aren’t really lively: CWTelly, Casino Royal, and Lily Allen

Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair [Mini Soda Vikings]

The royal tongue

Dirk Loves Hasselhoff

Don Knotts, Richard Pryor Team Up For Madcap Haunting

When THEY were young, which should not be confused with the long lost Great Outdoorer Chris Young

Carnie Wilson, preggers or inhaling bacon again?

Rita Wilson, for those of you with an appreciation…

Duncan aint gots nuttin on this Hinds

Covers will tear us apart

We refuse to link to 10 Things I Hate About Commandments… I’ve had funnier pimples on my a$$. I’ve also had your mother, but only I found that funny

Is it possible to make love to all of des vintage NFL posters? Or would poking a hole for my shlong ruin their value? I dunno, someone call Beckett

The ONLY Chuck Norris animated gif you need to see today [My Man Marv]

The ONLY NSFW animated gif you need to see today

Nipple sucking [NSFW]

Really Bad Tattoos Pts 1, 2, & 3

Ear Wax Candy

ZOOperstars! [Poon]

Waffle House, please take
note

70,000 Beer Cans Found in Ogden Townhouse [DataQue?]

Northwestern Women’s Soccer Team Initiation Includes Pictures of Bondage, Lap Dances, and Simulated Sex Acts [You Sonkin My Battleship]

Ronald hunts McFly, YTMD staz

What’s for dinner?

And from the music video annals of my middle schoolish anus:

ABC’s ‘Iesha’
+
Technotronic’s ‘Get Up’
Roxette’s ‘The Look’ + [d]
Young MC’s ‘Bust A Move’ + [d]
Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch’s ‘Good Vibrations’ + [d]
Peter Gabriel’s ‘Steam’
The Proclaimers’ ‘500 Miles’ + [d]
RHCP’s ‘Under The Bridge’ + [d]
Gerardo’s ‘Rico Suave’ + [d]
Tony! Toni! Tone!’s ‘Feels Good’
Black Crowes’ ‘Hard to Handle’ + [d]
Sir Mix A Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’ + [d]
Edie Brickell And The New Bohemian’s ‘What I Am’ + [d]
Billy Idol’s ‘Cradle of Love’
Beastie Boys’ ‘So What’cha Want’ + [d]
Alannah Myles’ ‘Black Velvet’ [d]
Soul II Soul’s ‘Back to Life’ + [d]
Fine Young Cannibals’ ‘She Drives me Crazy’ + [d]
Stereo MCs’ ‘Connected’
any Guns N’ Roses, but in pardick, ‘Garden Of Eden’ + [d]
Boyz II Men’s ‘Motownphilly’
The Belle Stars’ ‘Iko Iko’ + [d]
Cathy Dennis’ ‘Touch Me (All Night Long)’
Lucas’ ‘Lucas With The Lid Off’
U2’s ‘Mysterious Ways’ + [d]
Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ + [d]
(her boobs single handedly got me thru all of 1992,
pun and no pun intended)
Londonbeat’s ‘I’ve Been Thinking About You’
Ice T’s ‘New Jack Hustler’
Go West’s ‘King of Wishful Thinking’
Martika’s ‘Toy Soldiers’ + [d]
MC Hammer’s ‘Too Legit To Quit’
REM’s ‘Losing My Religion’ + [d]
Michael Penn’s ‘No Myth’ + [d]
Kris Kross’s ‘Jump’ + [d]
Utah Saints feat Kate Bush ‘Something Good’ + [d]
House of Pain’s ‘Jump Around’ + [d]
PM Dawn’s ‘Set Adrift On Memory Bliss’
Dee-Lite’s ‘Groove is in the Heart’ + [d]
Biz Markie’s ‘Just a Friend’ + [d]
The Traveling Wilburys’ ‘End of the Line’
Ice Cube’s ‘Wicked’
C&C Music Factory + F’dom Williams’ ‘Gonna Make You Sweat’ + [d]
Anthrax & Public Enemy ‘Bring the Noise’
TMBG’s ‘Birdhouse In Your Soul’ + [d]
Cypress Hill’s ‘Hand On The Pump’ + [d]
Nelson’s ‘(Can’t Live Without Your) Love And Affection’
Big Audio Dynamite’s ‘Rush’
Wilson Philips’s ‘Hold On’
Partners In Kryme’s ‘Turtle Power’ + [d]
Catherine Wheel’s ‘Black Metallic’ +[d]
Suzanne Vega’s ‘Tom’s Diner’ + [d]
The KLF’s ‘3am Eternal’ + [d]
Bel Biv DeVoe’s ‘Do Me’ & ‘Poison’ [d]
Pearl Jam’s ‘Porch (Unplugged)’ + [d]
and cause I can never get enuff of it
Snap!’s ‘Rhythm Is A Dancer’ [d, again]

I’m sure I’ve missed some, but I’m only human and I have to sleep at some point, hispecially with some French Open and crab eating in my near future. What bout you’alls? What was up yer anus during yer middle schoolish daze, when we didn’t have good taste in music, we hung on Adam Curry‘s every word and cassingles were the Bar Mitzvah DJ’s giveaway of choice?

Apple is so gay

but not as gay as…

[lynx vis Marwanicure/Tom Wellington Nude]

Da DaVinci Code
If Only They Had Released
So Dark The Condorman Instead
Trailer

I’ll admit it, I’m a tough cookie, and some of y’all are a bit Soft Batchish, so will you like Code if I didn’t? Wellllll, if you read the book, probably not so much. And if you didn’t read the book (who ARE you people?), maybe, but only cause you want to join in on our deep conversations about pagan symbolism and Jesus bonin chicks. I’m sure yer all already well aware of the ass raping that Ron Howard’s screen version of Dan Brown’s beyond best-seller has taken from the critics, and since I pretty much agree with mos of what they be saying, I’ll try not to re-hash the horror stories. Although I think Ann Hornaday from the REAL Post said it breast, ‘The movie Sony Pictures has been desperately trying to position as ‘the most controversial thriller of the year’ turns out to be about as thrilling as watching your parents do a Sudoku puzzle.‘, and AO Scott of the Thymes made me chuckle while I was eating Chuckles when he blathered, ‘Ms. Tautou, determined to ensure that her name will never again come up in an Internet search for the word “gamine,” affects a look of worried fatigue [throughout the film].‘

In a year’s time, no one will be talking about this movie — it’s that forgettable. And a year is being generous. Nothing seems to click within the frame. Kinda like Redskins offense 1992 – current times. And I think it’s no one’s fault, not even Tom Hanks’ hair. If another director took a stab at it, it would still turn out the same — lame. What makes for a good read doesn’t always translate into a good film. It’s kinda how I felt about the Rent movie, where it’s believable in its original format, but as soon as it hits the screen, it loses its credibility and no one be buyin what they be sellin. I cunt bee leave I’m about to say this, but, if you wanna watch an entertaining thriller that weaves history with modern times, stay away from the theater and rent the much more engaging popcorn poo-fest National Treasure… btw, there’s a #2 of that on the way. Ha, #2, how fitting!

Recommended for those who like: Clint Howard/Peter Scolari cameo-less flicks, the White Chicks‘ colored contact lenses, and IM Peilan

Possible Porno Name: The Ejaculation Lode

Unsatisfied with this? Read the book again OR Choose wisely and Netflix the tops in grail fiction, Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade [trailers]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Mona Lisa’ by Nat King Cole [d] AND The LONG And Winding Road’ by The Beatles [d]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I’ve seen much worse, and it’s not unwatchable, juss a HUGE dis-a-point-mint, so… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges