Thighs Wide Shut

Hollywoodland
The Dumb of All Fears
Trailer

Take one of Hollywood’s mos notoriously BIG unsolved mysteries, add in what could be the career reboot that Ben Affleck desperatley needs, chunnel it in thru the delicate eye of TV/HBO directin maestro Allen Coulter, and what do you get? One of the mos snoozerfic wastes of time and talent I’ve seen this year. In what shoulda been a complete slam dunk, or at least a 2nd-rate L.A. Confidential, Hollywoodland gets everything so wrong, while lookin so darn right. And for once, Mr Affleck can’t be blamed. At times his emulation of the OG man of steel (George Reeves) seems more like an imitation of Edward Herrmann, and the 7 times he played guitar and sang in Spanish was a bit too mas para mi, but the dude does a reputable job nonetheless. Everything else is not so commendable. The main problem is the film’s structure. While an investigation into the murders would seem like the best way to tell the story, it’s the very thing that bogs down this movie from frame a to frame zzzzzzzzzz. And for once, Adrian Brody can be blamed. We could care less about his private dicking (as his job, and what he does with his penis), his akward nose, or his depressed son with the mos awkward set of ears since Mrs Jumbo gave birth. The filmmakers took a lot of liberties by fictionalizing parts to tell a story, but what they shoulda done was stuck to the non-fict and tell the story. Someone raise Robert Stack from the dead cause only he coulda spun a better unsolved mystery.

Possible Porno Name: Holly Lands Wood

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Auto Focus [trailer/clips]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Half Nelson
Half Empty, Half Full
Trailer

Ryan Gosling is the real deal. His movies may not be, but he elevates the material each time out. As the Jew turned neo-Nazi in The Believer, he made us believe that it was actually a good movie. And sure, every man loves on Rachel McAdams, but can you credit her with the rise in notebook sales after the release of The Notebook? (Actually, word on the street is that McAdams single handedly kept the Trapper Keeper franchise alive.) And 1nce again, with Half Nelson, a mini-mish-mash of half-baked ideas, The Gos rises above the script that he was dealt. A lot has been made of this movie about a high school teacher cum drug addict who forges a bond with one of his students after she discovers his secret, but what they’re all really hooraying is Gosling’s performance. Sure, Shareeka Epps and Anthony Mackie both pitch in praiseworthy supporting work, but this baby shoulda been titled All Gosling.

Apt MPupil3: ‘After The Rain’ by NELSON [d]

IMDb Sweeney: yep, that bittie at the end engaged to Gosling’s bro is none other than hottie eggstraordinaire Nicole Vicius. And is it me or is Tina Holmes in everything? Apparently not, but she shoukd be and she should always kill people by railing them. Rust in peace NATE FISHER!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Miami Vice
Edward James Almost Nuttin Like The Real Thang
Trailers

It’s a purty safe bet that in this day and age anything Michael Mann outputs is gonna be a great theater eggspeareance. Miami Vice easily continues this tradition, although it’s far from heaven. It’s hactually a bit of a Debbie Downer that this movie really has squat to do with the OG TV show (we the people demand pastels and Jan Hammer), but ya gotta give the Mann credit for not handing in a turd of a big screen adaptation as is usually the par for the course in Hollywurstland (Starsky & Hutch, S.W.A.T., The Mod Squad, etc al). And like our dearest Uncle Grambo, I too have come to think of Colin Farrell as Super Fucking Best Ever. When he first busted out on the scene as Joel Schumacher’s boy, he was thought as more of a heartthrob than a skilled actor, but now the two are thought of in the same breath, even if that breath is a heavy one and usually breathed when the chicks beat off to him

HB-hO’s: anyone look fam-meal-yer? Well, if you subscribe to Home Box Office then ells yeah… Deadwood (John Hawkes, Pavel Lychnikoff), The Sopranos (Isaach De Bankolé, Mike Pniewski), Oz (Elizabeth Rodriguez, Barry Shabaka Henley), Six Feet Under (Justin Theroux), Rome (Ciarán Hinds), The Wire (Domenick Lombardozzi) and Entourage (Domenick Lombardozzi). And although no HBOer, whatta bout Mario Ernesto Sánchez? Dude had a role in FIVE TV eps of Miami Vice

Boob Tube: Jan Hammer rox out, Phil Collins feels air, vs Batman, EJ Olmos swims, and the breastest Pepsi ad not starring Hallie Kate Eisenberg

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next time the balcony is clothed…

I’m more speechless than Helen Keller taking in an Arrested Development reunion show without their lead singer. The Skins coulda easily won that game, but they didn’t and thus, kinda stank like stank breath. They have no quarterback and they have no kicker. They never really had a QB, but they did once have Kipp Vickers, and I bet he eats Domino’s Chicken Kickers in Kips Bay. Howblevs, they do have Tom Cruise, and the future naming of rights of Suri’s training bra. Regardies of what you spinx, Daniel Snyder is still the lord. And Snyder’s Pretzels are purty darn good. But aint the UTZ the true Prince of Hanover… PA? In other news, I’m a closeted heterosexual! Is it Zepptember 12th yet? Is it next Sunday yet? Things? STUFF! FOOTBALL!!

Can’t we juss move on with our lives? Or remember something else, like the Alamo, the Titans, or how the Skins are the world’s greatest 0-0 team in the NFL?

NFL 1 o’clocks were purty urns to the muther stickin boo. After peeping what happened to Trent Green, I was sirprized he didn’t give the thumbs down when being carted off the field (YIKES!). And what did I tell ya, never fantasy draft anyone on the Lions. EVER.

belated Peace The Fork Out: Joseph Stefano, screen-playa of Hitch’s Psycho, one of four flicks that tops my heart

Meg White carrying my love child? If so, tits sure to be the whitest baby since Powder

Thighs Wide Shut Doomed Cruise-Kidman Marriage

Daddy Keith praises Lily’s career. Daddy Keith praises lord that Lily will give his career new life. Daddy to duet ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ with Lily next year? So who’s dick am I sucking to get into her sold out show at the Hiro ballroom?

semi-related: another proud daddy [NSFW]

Nancy O’Dell to provide free JO material for years to cum

yes, the rumors are true, Trent and I did watch tennis

fork terrorism cause there’s only one fight in this world: Fight for Deleted Scenes to Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me [Movieasshole]

fork HBO and them other ‘movie’ channels cause the breast of the breast is Turner Classic Movies, and their hott new DB

WORLD champion DC Divas, lookin for a few mo hos

John Lazar, dude has the freakiest eyes, and dude had the freakiest set of screen breasts of balls thyme, thanks in part to Roger Ebert

Never a bore, always a Borat…

David Bowie gets a karate lesson. Somewhere Billy Zabka is either smiling, sweeping the leg, or sweeping the floor

(Dallas/Ft) Worth the $650, cause Janus = genius!

Keeley: Stairway to Heaven, with no happy trail in sight [NSFW]

Trailer Mash

hardly

What happens if you don’t urinate?

What exactly is a booger? [Ask Snot]

free passes for Confe(Shi)tti

Stick Figures in Peril

Bembo’s Zoo

I bet this guy still hasn’t found what he’s looking for (cause he certainly didn’t find it here): When should i stop sharing the bath with my daughter

and why should we bother to post these average Cuthbest snaps [Fid] when we can deck yer balls with Holly Valance

[even mo]