The Pride Piper of Hamsandwich

Pride & Prejudice
Mind Your Mannerisms
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To all the bob fellas out there, if you wanna guarantee yerself some post-viddying poo-nanny that be gooeyer than a box of melted Milk Duds, den take yer mate/bitch/ho/mother to ANY movie that’s produced under the umbrella of Working Title Films (Johnny English is the eggception to the rule). Juss don’ts come crying to me if the best you get is an above clothes hand job, but you’ll still gonna be better off than if you take that special lady to see Doom, which not very ironically also stars the up and bubbling Pikey von Pikeyson. So what’s there left to say? Pfffffffff, like you all even need any more elbowing in yer groin to go and see this fun-teempth delightful adaptation of Jane Austen’s mastercheese battle of the classes and hot asses!! First off, it’s required by Thighlandian law that you pay good (or EVIL) money to see this, since our beloved Royal Thighness the Firth is the star of the show (no more days of decoying for her), and you’ll be rewarded cause she still looks abso thumcredible with ratty hair and lil to no make-up!!! Second off, P&P is so effin charming that it’ll make you shit yer pants with Lucky Charms and Charms’ Blow-Pops, while you’ll be forced to wipe it up with some Charmin in one hand and some charm bracelets in the other. Third off, Dame Judi Dench is in it and she’s a dame, and it’s required by British law that frankly Scarlett, you have to give a dame. Fourth off, Jack Bauer’s dad and Brenda Blethyn RULE more than a left-handed ruler!!! And final-off, as I blathiemed yesterday, Carey Mulligan is kinda fuglican in the movie, but there’s something about her that’s more charming than 7+ seasons of the WB’s Charmed

Recommended for those who like: many a Non-Us-Hotties (sans Jena Malone, who isn’t foreign or a hottie), rad ye olde hats like the one Pat the Patriot rocks, and movies directed by dyslexics

Possible Porno Name: Wide & Shoveyourthinginthis

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Colin Firth BBC version, which I myself, will soon be flixing

Further Fun: Mr Brave New World himself, Aldous Huxley was one of the screenwriters for the 40s version starring Laurence Olivier. He also wrote one of the early screenplays for Disney’s Alice In Wonderland. He is in no way related to Theo Huxtable, although had he lived in the 80s, I bet he would’ve written 14 novels in his honor.

Aeon Flux
Eye Candy That’s All Wrapper, And No Candy
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Had Aeon Flux rocked the cash bar, like The Island did earlier this slummer, I would have officially welcomed, with open thighs and warm pies, the long overdue renaissance of my mos flavorite film genre, dystopian shiznopian (tubes), which last reigned in the late 60s and early 70s (i.e., Clockwork O, THX-1138, Planet del Apes, Zardoz, and even Woody Allen’s Sleeper). That’s not to say that the Flux sucked, but with all that it had going for it (Theron looking like a slightly slendererer Tiffany A Thiessen, Theron’s Oscar-winning North Country co-star, Theron in whatever you call this (but not this), Johnny Lee Miller with high collars, recockulous special effects, five zillion cherry blossom trees (but no girls [audio]), a giant floating mushroom thing, spires (which always = the future), and Kobayashi (no, not the eating one) in a thing that sorta looks like the thing that the big headed dudes wore in The Neverending Story), I couldn’t bee leave it was not butter! All show, with nothing to show for it.

Recommended for those who like: Colin Farrell’s ex, chicks with hands for feet, and the uncredited actor who played Poggle the Lesser

Possible Porno Name: Anal Flux (Capacitor)

Unsatisfied with this? Sit and wait for aeons (get it!) until dem bastards decide to release The Maxx on DVD

Further Fun: all about Æ/æ

Jarhead
Welcome To The Suck
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OK, I get it. The first Gulf War was boring. All these men (and woman!) gave so much of themselves for about as much conflict as when my parents argue as to who’s gonna empty the kitty litter. But did ya have to bore the audience as well (and again) Sam ‘Road to ZZZZZZZzition‘ Mendes? And if yer gonna make a war movie without taking a side or a stance, at least try to make a point, besides that masturbation and Santa hats in the desert are funny. This is far and away, the most disappointing flick and floundering use of talent since… Far & Away? Maybe that was a bit harsh, but c’mon, we were all hoodwinked by the ‘Jesus Walks’ [d-lode] infused ads. The song doesn’t even make its cameo until the closing credits roll, and by then, you more likely to nod off than nod yer head.

Recommended for those who like: all things boo and boring, like Hebrew School, the coupling of Orlando Snooze and Kate BOOOSworth, and doing it with yer Grandmother

Possible Porno Name: Jizzhead

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the first 45 minutes and 21 seconds of a real war movie, Full Metal Jacket

Further Fun: Rumor has it that the only two pieces of Star Wars memorabilia that George Lucas sports in his office are a Chewbacca mug and a R2D2 cookie jar. Don’t be like George. Be yerself and get the Bobba Fett Cookie Jar Head

Until next time my lil droogie howser MDs, the balcony is clothed