California Dreamin’Tribeca Creamin’

01. May, 2005 0 Comments

House of Wax Screenin’
Tribeca Film Festival
12:00 AM Sunday, May 1st, 2005
The Greatest Midnight Mt Everest?

don't worry, I licked her clean from head to toe post screening

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh snap and 9/3rds peep-holes!!!!! To hella wit Coachella cause the day that you and hive been waiting for, since the first airing of 24, has frynally arrived (!!!!!!!): the reunion (read: first ever ~~meeting~~ being in the same place/time) of me and Her Royal Thighness the II, Elisha Cuthies Cuthlicious Cuthbertuffleupagus Cuthbert. WOWIEZOWIE!!! For those of ewes you hast never hadeth the pleasure, lemme tell you, Cuthbest is even hottier in person than any picture could ever capture. If I could go back and reselect the 50 Mos Hottiest People, she’d make the list 49 times, leaving room for only Susan Sarandon, and her squeezing lemonseses on her breastestessnessness self. Paris agrees, stating that even the great, “Vincent Price is not as hot as me and Elisha Cuthbert.“

But what of the movie tiself? I muss say to my sirprize, Wax is one of the mos deffest enjoyable horror flickez since Scream (full review a’cumin’). OK, I may be a bit biased, but wasn’t Len too? The poo of recent remakes, like Gus van Psycho, Michael Bay’s Massacring of the Texas Chainsaw, and Amityville Van Wilder, combined can’t even provide the scares, stares, and jumpin out of chairs that House of provides. And the audience seemed to agree… esp when Chad Michael Melvin Harold Jerry Philbert Baxter Murray Hill took off his shirt, in the film, not in the theater, which if it had happened would’ve sparked riots from all the 12 year old grrrrls in attendance.

Afterwards, the popanazis and my staff took some fab shots of Paris, Rob Downey Jr, and the gruesome twosome of Kelly Osbourne and Lizzie Grubman (unfortch, couldn’t get one of those) leaving the theater. And o course, despite all the decrees I passed, the media defied my wishes and tried to take some snaps of yer beloveded King and Queen, before I threatened them with a knife and wooden mallet. Lettuce juss say that dem Richard Avedon wannabes didn’t live to see end of Passover (which is today at sunset for anyone who cares)…