Thighs Wide Shut

Tom Hanks in Big [trailer]

bonus: ye olde post cards from Playland and other NY locales

Cassandra’s Dream
Crimes and Felonies
Trailers & Mo

Before the Woodman headed off to sunny Spain for his next joint, he handed in what appears to be the final pic in his unofficial British trilogy, Cassandra’s Dream. It’s uneven affair that aims for Match Point [review] fervor, and while it may not be serving ace after ace, we’d still say it wins a lot more sets than Scoop [review], and is miles (or is it kilometers?) away from the East Coast double-fault dreck that he’d been handing in earlier this decade. C’s Dream focuses on two working class brothers, Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell (you can tell that they’re brothers cause they have the same hairdo), who are working real hard to move up to the next class. But when they’re both strapped for cash they turn to their beloved money-bagged uncle (the always solid Tom Wilkinson) for help. Little do they know that he in turn needs their assistance, for a most awful deed: offing a colleague of his who could ultimate ruin his life. The boys have a big decision to make, which could also ruin their own lives. WHAT TO DO, WHAT DO TO!!! What they do do, carries the movie. Everything else, like Ewan’s quest to bag supercutie Hayley Atwell (playing the ScarJo role in this one), their struggling ma and pa, and Colin’s bird and betting problems, gets too little attention to make this baby a Breast In Show-er. The denouement is purty good, but it clumsily comes about too quickly to leave the mark it wants to. Anywho, we have no real reason to complain about anything, hispecially since Allen’s European vacation has been the bestest one since the Griswold’s [NSFW].

Leigh High: looks like the Woodman is fan of director Mike Leigh, or at least of the cast from his Vera Drake. 8 of its actors have either appeared in Dream or Scoop. Our flavs? Phil Davis who plays the marked man in this one, and Fenella Woolgar, who simply has the greatestist name mt EVERst

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Cassandra’s Dream opens tomorrow in limited theaters

Rental Round-Up Dawg: skip the hype and Rescue Dawn altogether as Werner Herzog’s own shorter doc on the same incredible events, Little Dieter Needs to Fly, is much much more effective and memorable. another doc you can’t knock is Charles Ferguson’s gut-wrenching No End In Sight. had something like this been released in the ’04 instead of Leni Riefenstahl’s Fahrenheit 9/11, maybe it would have actually prevented people for voting for Bush. and lastly, we’ll never shut up about David Fincher’s Zodiac (more on that when we drop our ‘breast of’ shortly), esp since we know you haven’t seen it. well, even gooder things come to those who wait/wasted a year… the 2-disc super amazing awesome Director’s Cut includes fab-tab-ulous making of features + two franztastic docs about the murder cases and the prime suspect. a must for anyone with eyes. even Britney loves it

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Scoop
Cup or Cone, A Tasti D-Lite!
Trailer

Scoop re-teams WoAl with his muse of the moment, ScarJo, and for this go around, the two appear together on-screen. And despite what you may think of her acting chops, the two make a purty darn good team. Wo as Splendini, aka Sid Waterman, an 8th rate Borscht Belt magician, and Scar as Sondra Pransky, the wet behind the ears (and between the thighs) budding journalism student studying abroad for the summer (man, I love studying broads!). Well, after Sondra has a run in with the spirit of recently deceased Fleet Street ace reporter Joe Strombel (Deadwood‘s Ian McShane), who literally jumps ship on the road to Hades just to let her in on the scoop of the century, odd couple WoJo/ScarAl pick up the case of Tarot Card Killer that’s currently taking London by storm. Strombel strongly bee leaves that aristocrat Peter Lyman (the sideburnless/bladeless Hugh Jackman) may actually be the killer, and the dumb-namic duo set out to prove it the only way they know how, which is by not having a clue at all. ScarJo investigates by working her way into Lyman’s pants, but of course gets more than she bargained for. As the story unfolds, we get plenty of typical Allen yuks, and an added bonus of a mystery that would even get Miss Marple‘s panties in a bunch.

You know dem ancient Greek comedy and tragedy theater masks? Well, if Woody Allen’s return to form Match Point [review] purrfectly wore the tragedy one, then Woody Allen’s return to fun Scoop mos deservedly gets to don the comedy one. Dat’s right, these two British ventures from the Woodman demonstrate back-to-back consistency goodness for the first time in over ten years, since Mighty Aphrodite followed Bullets Over Broadway. Not to say that Scoop is an all time high in his comedy cannon, but solid enuff to prove that Match Point was no fluke… and Hollywurst is hoping the same as they promote this new joint as being from the director of Match Point. What, Annie Hall holds no weight anymore?

Recommended for those who like: undercover names made up on the spot like John Cock… tos… ton, Evening Standard headlines, and General Veers/Walter Donavan/Aristotle Kristatos

Possible Porno Name: Scoop Nanny

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix His Girl Friday [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Don’t Fear The Reaper’ by Blue Öyster Cult [d or peep SNL ‘More Cowbell’ skit]

IMDb Sweeney: (correct me if I’m wrong but me thinks) Toby Jones, bestest known as the voice of Dobby the House Elf in the Potter series, and the poor fellow who has to follow Phil S Hoffman‘s incarnation of Truman Capote in Infamous, appeared in a blink and you’ll miss em cameo

Threepeat?: look for the Woodman’s across the pond success to continue with his UWASP, a tale about two brothers with serious financial woes, who turn to crime, and then turn against each other. Del joint will co-star Colin Farrell, Ewan McGregor, and Tom Wilkinson. At this rate, he’ll employ all the brightest and bestest of UK cinema. Good thing his casting peeps already had the right mind to enlist the likes of hottie Romola Garai, nottie Fenella Woolgar (‘Bestest Names Award’ namesake for our year end movie thang), and ’06 Screen Asshole Guild – Hall of Fame UK inductee, Charles ‘Lets’ Dance. One suggestion for down the road: Carey Mulligan

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Scoop opens this Friday, the 28th

until next time the balcony is clothed…

Match Point
More On Point Than House of Pain’s ‘On Point’
all apologies for using the ‘on point’ ref 4 the funteempth time
View Trailer

Bee leave the effin hype peoples cause like Señor wit his München Box, Woody Allen has returned to form with his Match Point, YO!!! And by form, I don’t means a W-9, or even his endless string of 70s hotness (starting with the madcap zane e smithedness of Bananas and ending with one of the mos beautifulisticallycal B&W flicks mt EVERest in the age of color, Manhattan). What I mean by ‘return to form’ is actually delivering what the peoples eggspect from one of the mos celebrated and celehated men in del industry: a real Woody Allen movie. 1999 was the last time anyone of us saw a real Woody Allen movie. It was called Sweet & Lowdown, and it was so fargin mint that Sean Penn and then unknown Samantha Morton were rightly honored with Oscar noms. After that we were served up with 5 straights duds, some more thuds than cruds, and some were more mud than Spuds Mackenzie hanging out with Roger Mudd!

Well, Match Point is not only a real Woody Allen movie, but also the mos un-Woody Allen movies I have ever movied!! It’s kinda like his Eyes Wide Shut, cept where Kubrick made London look like NYC, the Woodman made London his NYC. This drastic location change serves him and us the viewers quite well. I think we all needed a break from that continuing don on-slaught of NY nothingness that he continued to poop on-screen. And nothing could be as far from the nebbish Jewish neurosis of the Upper East Side than the prim and proper crumpets of the British upper class!!! To divulge any of the plot would be a waste of my time and a deep cut into yer entertainment value, so I’ll abstain, and in hempstead, I’ll do what I do breast… BABBLE-ON in numbered list form!!!

1) Scarlett Johansson & Jonathan Rhys-Meyers both look like cartoon cats or tigers or lions or something, OH MY!! I’d still bang them both, but their lips are kinda scary like Lisa Rinna’s

2) Rhys-Meyers did an admirable and lieutenantable job as the lead, but I kept waiting for him to glam/gay it up like he did in his Velvet Goldmine days. I think Woodpecker shoulda spared Jonny Lee Miller from the tripe that was Melinda Squared and cast him instead of Rhys

3) Scarlett Johansson being rubbed in baby oil should be the 11th Commandment

4) I knows this sounds more ludicrous than Ludicris sucking on Luden’s whilst looting Lute Olsen’s lute collection, but I’d NEVER ever NEVER step out on the abso-WHOOT-est cutest adorable-tootist British girl AROUND (yes, ever more than our current Royal Thighness… and Joanne Klaar, if she were British) Emily Mortimer, snatchurally one of the OG NonUsHotties!! Not even for Scarlett Johansson, 18347663 cases of baby oil, and 2 weeks to use em both!! Foodly enuff, both Morts and Jo may end up with 2 movies EACH on my ’05 Top Ten LIST… coming soon

5) Danny Boyle alumni rules more than O’Doyle!!!

BLESS YOU WOODROW!!!! Don’t ever come back to NYC. Stay the course in the Old Country. Hopefully yer #2 UK joint Scoop will also not be POOP!!! And the same with yer 1st Spanish Rice dish!! And whatever lies ahead in yer bright, not DIM, future, like a Danish DANISH or Icelandic ICECUBE, or Czech Republic PUBIC HAIR, or Portugalese WHATEVER THEY HAVE IN PORTUGAL!!!

Recommended for those who like: shotguns and shotgun weddings, phallic symbols but not Lloyd’s of London, and Fred of Perry but not of Berry

Possible Porno Name: Snatch Point of Spew

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Damage, aka the Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche slutty bang fest of 1992!

Further Fun: Other Woodman flicks with locations outside of the US… Puerto Rico (Bananas), Budapest & Paris (Love & Death), Turin, Italy (Hannah and Her Sisters), Sicily (Mighty Aphrodite), Venice (Everyone Says I Love You), and Romania (Celebrity) [via IMDB]