Thighs Wide Shut

[via Moody BOOS]

• Stroker Ace & The Archdukes? No mouth-watering here. Not even any hunger [d-lode] for (this) stink

• Brett Ratner, I apologize for everything I’ve ever said about you and that friggin photobooth of yers

• Any Bob Hoskins news is good news

• And for all the Roberts and Thigh Masters out there who’ve been McDyin to McClutchin their McCrotchs: Martine McCutcheon, lesbian sex scenes, The English Harem. Too bad there aint no such thang as ITV1America

• ‘Pova tops Russia’s rich list for athletes. So who the scrooge is #2, Nikolai Volkoff?

• Frynally, a blizogger who aint afraid to put albums you’ve actually heard of in their top ten of the year! I HEART YOU THE MOS JASONSHOPPE!!! + yer unearthing of that Spike Jonezes/GAP ad make me wanna dry hump u even more… although the link has been floatin ’round on many a websites, I still wanna be your dog, dawg!!!

• Ricky Martin describes the last porno he watched + other golden info [via Larry Mullins JrSr]

• Tommy Lee Jones’ finally found some part-time work for his ‘inventive’ college roomie

• Buckner and Garcia, a middle class man’s Loggins & Messina

• 10 bones well saved

• CC the IV SUCKS!!!

• A white guy and some people formerly known as ‘Orientals’

• Metamorph Faces

• 2006 is already shaping up to be the best 2006 MT EVEREST!!!!

• The power is in your hands [via Witz]

• I’m pulling for “Boom Goes the Dynamite”

• Poland’s greatest contribution to the world since being the butt of many Blanche Knott jokes: this Neverending Story websizzle (and u better hit every link, cause how else u gonna find a pic of director Wolfgang Petersen semi molesting Barret Oliver?)

• Mint yer own Monopoly money! SO EFFIN MINT!! [via K2P]

• Solving the Rubik’s Cube [via Gorillam]

• For some reason I think I’ve posted this before, or is it juss the same wet dream I keep having every night? [via The Meat Clip/Roach Hook]

• ualuealuealeuale

• I tolds ya, no one had more fun at my 10-year reunion than I, the mos populous kid EVER

• And which love goes the deepest (aka, to 11)… myne, for the girl with the Tom Cruise brows, or Camilla’s chair fetish, or John Holmes’es’es, who was so mad deep, he could stick his unit so far thru the Ozone hole that it coulda reached Uranus!! No contest, cause my dong could reach the milky way and draw a map of Hawaii on her chest even if I was in Alpha Centauri playing Atari!! YOU SO FLY BABY THAT I GONNA TAKE ONE PICTURE OF YOU AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THERE ARE TWO OF YOUS!!!!! I AM REASON PHOTOSHOP INVENT!!!

• Boy how Glass Joe. Tis ending of an era is mos sadder than the ending of Rain Man…

• Damon Albest takes a piss on Live 8 for not being black enuff, while Pink Floyd reunites for the guy who played Pink Floyd and his thing.

• It was destiny that brought them together, but it was… WHO CARES?!?!?

• Peace the fork out MacGyver boss man!

• Christina Aguilera’s music was used to keep Guantanamo Bay prisoners awake. But if they really wanted to torture people, they should juss play the crap on disc that is LCD Soundsystem. AWFULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

• Amy Sedaris interviews Sam Rockwell. If they ever had children together, it would be the hottiest funny thing ever created since Drexel’s Class.

• Owen Wilson never read the script to Anaconda before arriving on set.

• 60 Mins was a repeat last nite, but that doesn’t mean that Rooney’s take on US coins doesn’t deserve a 2nd look. I would have paid $2 zillion dollars to be there when he was using the Penny Arcade @ Commerce Bank.

• For the last time, Mike D is NOT related to Screech or Neil Diamond

• Quit MESSING with her boobs

• You’re Anus

• The Picture of EVERYTHING

• Hulk Hogan, the animated gif of the gawds [via My Man Marvkus]

• Dead url I’m so spankful for being resurrected: HeatsOfMeat.com

• How To Draw The Nipples Back On Victoria’s Secret Catalog Models Using Adobe Photoshop [via Itzaaa Richie]

• Think Tom Cruise, Senor Speilbergo, and the special effects are the reasons to go see War of the Worlds? Yer more dead wrong then when Neville Chamberlain tried that appeasement crap on a watermelon-crazed maniac. Sure, I heart Miranda HOTTO & Tim Robbins berry mucho much, but this invasion flick should be renamed The Passions of The Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE. Why? Cause she’s 5623655900233 times better an actor than Scientologist Jones could ever be, and she’s only 2 1/2 years old!! Give her 10 years and she’ll have more Oscars than Meyer. + she’s the cutest thing I’ve EVER seen in my entire life. And before you think dirtywise you sick FORKS, I wouldn’t let her sleep in my bed or serve her Jesus Juice (which may or may not explain her shirt below), but I’d love to go and play on the playground with her or eat 6 zillion ice cream sangwhiches with her while watching every single Neverending Story on DVD, even the one with Jack Black. She just plain rules the schools and the shuls. And since I think so THIGHLY of her, I’ve decided to adopt her. I give to you, Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. Just promise to never grow old, up, and awkward like Haley Joel Omeletteeee.

[via DF.org]

Let it be known for the record that methinks Mischa Barton is one of the mostest stunning & lovely beauties in all of the Land o’ Thighs. However, after endless searching for snaps of her on the internets, I started to Barton Think otherwise. I mean, was she Bitched @ Swirth with Falkor from The Neverending Story or twat?

Pic courtesy of Chillary G

Not the kind of whore you’d find in Amsterdam’s red-light district, but a movie whore for my main man Napoleon Dynamite. This is and will probably end up being the funniest movie of 2004. My infatuation with this film began with my first peepage of this masterpiece in late April (see my original review here). I ended up seeing it two more times for free.

The last of those was this past Thursday. My posse and some lucky TWS readers were treated to a real treaty treat. The free shwag (I don’t call free stuff ‘swag’) doled out was the mos supreme-o evs! I loaded up on as much Napoleon stickers, Napoleon trading cards, Napoleon chap-sticks, Vote For Pedro buttons, tater tot t-shirts, and even plastic nunchucks, that my pockets could support. As we exited the theater, there were mounds o’ tater tots and box o’ milks laid out for our vittlenessness. It didn’t end there. As we approached the lobby, the f-in MAN himself (in character) was there interviewing people for some MTV promotion. Being a man of no shame, I o’ course approached him and allowed myself to be filmed. I’m Amish and normally wouldn’t let my soul be captured into a life recording box, but everyone has a breaking point, right? I told him that this was my 3rd time seeing his movie and he noted that he’d only seen The Neverending Story that many times in a theater. I asked him if the Rock Biter was his favorite and he claimed that Falcor was. We parted ways, but I knew we’d be BFF (breast friends forever).

Over the weekend, I felt bad that I had seen the movie for free 3 times, so when Levittown, The Thinker, Gomberino, and myself couldn’t agree on a movie to see, I took one for the team and told em we had to see it. So for the record, I’ve now seen Nap Dyna four times, three for free, and in the process me now own 3 different Nap Dyna related t-shirts. I think I’ll take a breather before seeing it again, but I think my personal best of seeing Pulp Fiction 7 times in a theater will remain untouched. So don’t listen to Ebert kids, just go and see Napoleon Dynamite NOW (or whenever it opens in yer backwater town).

– An Atkins dieting Utah couple gots booted out of an all-you-can-eat buffet after overloading on roast beef. “Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Neverending Story.” – Lionel Hutz

It tastes almost as awful as Pepsi

– In other bacon diet news, Coca-Cola will start to sell C-2, a new soda with half the sugar, carbs, and calories of regular colas. We’ve surely come a long way since the days of Jolt Cola and their “Twice the Sugar. Twice the Caffeine.” mantra.

– A good way to cut down on your dog’s carb intake: Let em eat 28 golf balls.

– Leonardo da Vinci not only invented Cheez Whiz and lawn darts, but he also invented the automobile.