Thighs Wide Shut

– On behalf of yers truly, the Thigh Daddy, the BeastMaster, Blaster Master, Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster and the rest of the Master clan, we want to wish our cousin, the View-Master a merry 65th b-day. To celebrate, they’ve even inducted him into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Go get em Viewie!! Yer 3-D is butter than all of Jaws 3-D and the virtual reality in The Lawnmower Man. Speaking of, where have you gone Jeff Fahey? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

– Bush/Hitler comparison clip removed from Ozzfest video montage. I don’t think people would have complained as much if it was just a clip of A$$hole eating a watermelon.

– Tom & Jerry, the live action talk show. It’s not what you think.

– What on earth is Bert doing to Ernie? [NSFW thing via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Dan the Automat on board for Archduke’s follow-up?

– Dave Abbott challenges pretty boy Ken Jennings to a cage match to the death. “I think I could take him.”

– The grandest college basketball team in all the land, los Merryland Twerps, are headed to Italy this fall for a 12 day preseason tour. And Duke, they’ll be at home shining Mike Kyryewqssrkskikiesies’s johnson. And the nihilists, they’re going to cut off the Dude’s johnson. And the Dude, he’s got a great soundboard. Back to Twerp shariz: Welcome back Keith Booth!! And do you think Walt Williams still hangs out with Hootie and his Blowfish?

– Dem be some tall buildings.

– Leisure Suit Larry all over again?

– 1 in 5 Germans drink to get drunk. What do the other 4 do? Have a bit of the olde stein-haussen-weiner-shintizel-fliz-huis-de-flughaufen and then gobble a watermelon?

– 21 days until the Athens games. Wake me up when it’s 2006, cold, and Johnny Mosley’s baking some more dinner rolls.

– Who created the scores for Planet Of The Apes, Total Recall, Gremlins, Chinatown, Hoosiers, many a Star Trek fliz, and yes, even The Twilight Zone? Oscar owner, Jerry Goldsmith, dats who. Well, he croaked Wednesday night. Peace the f%@k out dawwwwwwwwg.

– Some say breastesiest Goonies website out there. Some of those people are these people people.

– Join the Army and get bigger breasts or a smaller nose for free!!

– Those Dutch make killer pancakes, dope, and windmills. Apparently, they’re also tall is fork.

– And word on the street is that Lindsay Lohan ate lunch yesterday. I heard she also had something to drink, but when we contacted her reps, they responded with “No comment.”

Saturday July 17th

After Prince, me and Curious George’s mum were more hungry than me family during Yom Kippur. We marched up and down Hell’s Kitchen with our mouths watering. McHale’s? Closed. Vynl? Ditto. We settled on the only place that looked decent and open (not in that order). This place be called Eatery. And Eatery be an f-in fantastic choice for semi-late at nite or whenever. It’s sorta like Houston’s, but without the really dark lighting. Grab yerself an Adobe Salad or the Mac and Jack. C’mon, when it comes to food, you can trust me!!!

Later that “day”… Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head, and nowhere to be found was my friend Jed. Today was going to be hot and sweaty and filled with hipsters, so me and Curious George’s mum needed some pre-Siren-Fest-nurshiment. We headed to the only place for unrelievable $3.50 cubano sandwiches that rock the fliz-house: El Malecon II. Everything there is so deli-scrumptious that Doc Oc himself, Alfred Molina, said in Time Out NY that he munches down there.

We boarded el tren, with a Yes & Know pad in-hand (ours was for ages 11-111 only), and headed on down like the Warriors going to Coney Island. 17 days later (or how long it takes to get from the UWS to CI), we made it to our destination. Not much to describe other than we got high on The Wonder Wheel (swinging car for swingers only), rode the best wooden coaster ever, The Cyclone, twice, rocked a wee bit of skeeball and carnie games, got major swamp ass from the batting cages, ate a forkload of Nathan’s dogs, checked out bitz and pretzels of Electric Six, Blonde Redhead, and You Will Slow Us By The Smell Of The Dead (hard to hear music when a giant rollo coaster is right next to the stage), and also ate a mango on a stick! It was umcredible and here are some pictures of what umcredible looks like:

Sunday July 18

Bored myself to tears with my first visit to the American Museum of Natural History. Didn’t really have a “whale” of a good time looking at fake animals and Native peoples. My interests lie in the unknown, not the known. Therefore my cup of tea was filled in the space shills hizarea. Donated my liver and testicles and I still couldn’t afford the $17.50 (discounted) ticket to the Tom Hanks’ narrated Passport to the Universe flick. Eventually donated my sperm and we were clear for take off. The seats vibrated and I learned that our galaxy is in something called the Virgo Super Cluster. If I ever got that far away from Earth, I’d be so cluster-f%#ked. Wrapped it up with a quick trek round the best American art museum, El Met, scarfed down some mad kill-ill-ah pizza at Big Nick’s, passed out, then woke up for a nite of magical HBO.

Life hasn’t been this grand since I was circumcised.

Pic love via Shady Harry’s Son

– Peace the fork out goes to the founder of Gold’s Gym. “Gym? What’s a gym? Oh! A gym!”

– Word on the street is that this guy loves to get intoxicated. And so does this sorta-NSFW cartoon (turn on sound). [Links via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Earlier this week, thanks to Levitticus, me and Ms Megbot checked out a taping of the The Graham Norton Effect. G Nort has got to be one of the funniest and cheekiest mother stickers in the entire world. His guests were Mac Culkin and RuPaul. I thought I Love the 90s was on VH1, not Comedy Central. Anwyho, he gave RuPee a very special deck of G W Bush cards that make a great gift for Labor Day.

– Remember ladies, never let yer b or g-friends take nudie pics of you as they may end up here. [NSFW Link via Tim ‘Going Back to Cali’ Fudgerino]

– I’m foaming at the mouth reading the deetz on Bjork’s next masterthing Medulla, which drops on August 31st.

– Everything you ever wanted to know about Mulholland Dr, but we’re too perplexed to axe.

– And speaking of enigmas, what’s the deal with NJ and not being able to pump yer own gas?

– It’s no Chuck-E-Cheese stizz, but these would also make great Labor Day gifts. [Link via Seltzer with an ‘H’]

– Hurry up NYseers cause this weekend be yo last chance to play the arcade versions of Frogger, Missile Command, Space Invaders, and me personal fav, Tron at the Museum of the Moving Image’s BLIP collection.

– And here’s yer melon-scratching headline for the day: Man Learns He’s Dead, Thanks to Blind Ex-Wife

[Pic love via Navi]

– Blind man marries Tori Spelling. Somewhere David Silver breathes a sigh of relief and Screech Powers is contemplating suicide.

– This is where the world’s finest vaginas go.

– Is this guy the Lenny Bruce of Winnebagos? [Link via Posh & Beckser]

– May be old news, but it was just brought to my attention that picking your nose and eating it may make you healthier. With this and french fries being considered a fresh veggie, its only a matter of months before Norman Chad’s Tour de Couch becomes a reality. [Link via Senor Gombergos]

– Who knew that David Koresh was such bad-a$$? [Link via RayKwan the Chef vs Meth vs Chef Boyardee]

– Jacky White dropped by TheWhiteStripes.net for a lil Q & A. Word is that they may head back into the studio this summer, he’s never gonna repair his mangled hand, there’ll be a CD release of all their B-sides, Fritz Lang rocks, the jihad on the documentarian is still in effect, Peru may be in the cards, and Rene Zellweger puckers her lips too dang much. Read the whole transcript here.

– Related to Genghis Khan? Then you can get yerself some free eats!! And if yer related to Chaka Khan, you can get, er, um, uh, ah, nothing!

– Fish can be so heteroflexible sometimes.

– Go ahead, Rate My Implants. [NSFW Link via Tim “Fudger” Altie]

– One of the most umcredible/hands-on museums in the world, The American Museum of the Moving Image has assembled quite an impressive backlog of Presidential campaign commercials. Boy do the ones wees got today suck asthma. I mean, czech out this Nixon anti-Hubert Humphrey spot… it looks like an episode of The Prisoner. F-in mint.

– Fattyboy Slim Jim’s Palookaville drops Doc October 5th. I already know the collaboration with Damon Albarn is going to be more money than The Money Train.

– Fellow Jew Yorkers, enter to win passes to The Bourne Supremacy or some movie that might as well be called JuJu Bees.

– Finally, what’s going to be the worst date movie since my friend Joel took a gal to see Kevin Bacon molest kids in Sleepers? This one.