Thighs Wide Shut

1. Troy $46.8 million (New) – For honor. For victory. For love. For destiny. For passion. For Troy. Fo shizzle. For Pete’s f-in sake, enuff already, just go on and read our review. With mad props to and from Mr. Panty Raider!!!

2. Van Helsing – $20.7 million ($85 million) – Americans love crap. They really do! Why else do you think Friends lasted as long as it did? And its obvs to my bovs that nobody peeped our scathing review of Van Helsucks. 85 million? How could you all let this happen? Wouldn’t you rather see a documentary all about inverted nipples? I would.

3. Mean Girls– $10.1 million ($55.4 million) – This will probably be the first movie since City of God that I will see twice in the theater. That’s not a threat, but a promise. Who’s with me? But yer pants must stay around yer ankles for the entire film. Our review be here or be square.

4. Man On Fire – $5.1 million ($64.1 million) – Dakota Fanning turns 18 in 2015. Let the dirty old man counters begin. F-in YUCK!!!!!

5. Breakin’ All the Rules – $5 million (New) – We the Master o’ Thighs, in order to form a more perfect union with Gabrielle Union, must eggcept the fact that Ms Hotness stars in whore-able movies.

6. 13 Going 30 – $4.1 million ($48.5 million) – If for some strange reason all the planets aligned, Lindsay Lohan’s boobs turned out to be fakes, tacos became our national flower, and Andy Serkis got nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work in the poopfest instead of LOTR: The Two Towers, I’d seriously consider shaving off all me grundle hair and gluing it to my face.

7. New York Minute – $3.8 million ($10.7 million) – Last week we briefly touched on Jodie “Sweet-Ass” Sweetin and Candace “Candy-Ass” Cameron. This week, we actually did a lil sleuthing and found out that Jodes is an uber-hottie, while Candace is still Kirk’s sister AND is married to Pavel Bure’s bro, Valeri. Next yer gonna tell me that Winnie Cooper was a math genius and now as a more budding acting career than Kevin Arnold!!

8. Laws of Attraction – $2 million ($15.3 million) – If Julianne Moore and me made babies together, they would probably look something like this (Beware people with weak stomachs).

9. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $1.6 million ($60.8 million) – Why is Jackie Brown the most boringiest movie ever and this movie aint?

10. Envy – $1 million ($11.8 million) – Neftlix The Ben Stiller Show instead… and be sure to skip all the Skank the sock puppet bits.

As I write this, I’m still covered in covered in dirt, my own melted skin, the smell of hipsters, and powdered sugar from the 2 funnel cakes I ate. But worst of all, after spending two straights days in 105+ degree weather, I am without a killer tan. A lot has transpired since I last left you all. Here’s me best attempt to remember, although my brain is still on West Coast mode and my eyes are going to fall out of my head from watching so much amazingnessness stuff. Please note, all pictures will be posted at a much later date as Senor Thigh Master is too ghetto to have a digital camera…

Friday April 30th

Does masturbating in a bathroom count as initiation into the Mile High Club?

Woke up at the booty crack o’ dawn and started the longest day in my recent memory. I took the transportation of tomorrow, the AirTrain to JFK airport. Gawd deng is JFK one bunk-ass airport. Plus its so far away, I feel like I’m flying out of Siberia (the part of Russia, not the bar where you can’t cus or hit on women). On-flight entertainment: my smelly feet, NY Daily News’ two crosswords, and watching the unwatchable Paycheck (its like Total Recall with none of the fun, effects, or action, but with John Woo’s doves!). Come to think of it, the AirTrain station was more futuristic than all of Paycheck. This ben-affleck-shit-pic continues my track record of never seeing a good movie on a plane. Sure I had everwood when I saw LL in Freaky Friday on the way to Jamaica this past New Year’s, but I’ve been cursed with The Legend of Bagger Vance, Ollie Stone’s shiterpiece U-Turn and the ultimate ruinerer of flights, Uptown Girls. U-Girls‘ script must have been written on a napkin while someone was taking a dump. However, since lil daring Dakota Fanning was in it, it was predetermined that I was going to cry at some point. I am such a loser.

Arrive at LAX. Palm trees abound. I finally satisfy my nic fit. Inhale. You’re the victim. Exhale, exhale, exhale. Off to Alamo car rental. I find out there’s no basement. Madame Ruby was wrong!!! With my liz-adies (Megbot & Curious George’s Mom) in check, it’s off for some LA daytime fun.

We meet up with ye olde palsy of mine/favorite New Iberian, Big Worm, aka DJ Worsmer, aka Wormsey (Yes, I actually do know someone named Wormser). I force him to play tour guide/MapQuest bitch as there were many a missions on the day’s tight schedule and I don’t know shit about LA’s byways and hobags. First up…

Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘n Waffles

Fried chicken makes mouths happy.

I don’t know who the funk Roscoe is, but may the good lord bless him and his house of grease. Guess what’s good there? Fried chicken and/or waffles. obvs. I declined the waffles and decided to get fried chicken smothered and covered in gravy and onions (perfect gas material for long car rides with woman). With a side of buttery grits, that shit be the shiz-niz-fliz-kiz. Any trip to LA is not complete without a visit to any of Scoe’s 5 locations. Check it out. It’s so f-in MINT that it’s posted in our Places To Eat B4 U Die section.

He’s the dog now man!

Then we had to meet up with Busta Hayman to see his wedding ring and take a qwik whirlwind tour of his office. Next stop on the tour was the uber-posh-spice/future residence of mine, The Sunset Marquis Hotel to pick up a ticket for Saturday’s show. Drugs were needed, so we hit a… drug store. Loaded up on some drugs, shady aviator glasses, candy, Orbit gum, smokes, and even more candy. With all these missions impossible accomplished, Big Worm lead me and the liz-adies to da Hollywood Hills. Next to Queen Latifah’s abode lived his friend and a fellow ex-Rocvilleian, Perry. Perry had a droopy dog name Bert that had inverted eyelid, but he was the coolest dog ever cause he was a Redskins fan. After some shenanigans the Coachella Crew was off to the desert for my just desserts.

You pay for what you get

After a few tiring hours of driving, we checked into the Four Seasons of ghetto, and our home for the next three nights, the Motel 6 of Palm Desert. I was a little disappointed in the room. The towels they gave us couldn’t even cover one of my thighs (wide shut). There wasn’t a clock. And there were no complimentary motel staples like a pen and paper, shampoo, or tissues. I thought the 6 was supposed to be a classy motel peoples!

Makes cotton mouth disappear in seconds

It was late, but I still wanted to eat. I always want to eat. Traveling with two girls doesn’t allow a lot of fast food eating. You take what you can get and I didn’t want to push it after forcing everyone into Roscoe’s FC and Wafs. But I had to get my burger fill. Since there was no Fatburger in sight, I had to settle for second best, In-N-Out Burger… more like burger goes in and out of your system in 4 seconds. Like my good pal Tom Bodett promised, Motel 6 left the light on for me, and now it was finally time to shut it off. I’m f-in tired. Time to get this party started.

Stay tuned for Part II where we review all of Saturday’s hot ass hotness of Saturday. Saturday.

OK, so that sounded a little sick, but I’m into 17 and 3/4 year-old girls, not 8 year-old boys. Anywho, in the past 2 weeks, I’ve peeped two coming of age flicks and they are both worth a look. Grants it, they aint blockbusters like Battlefield Earth, but sometimes we need a nice lil movie to make us feel human again… not Psychlosic-like.

Here lil Valentin is imitating me watching Valentín. Unfortunately, no hot blondes were staring at me the entire time.

Valentín aka Valentin

I couldn’t drag anyone to this movie. It was a tough sell. First the tagline is hella lame, “Cupid just turned eight.” Secondly, the trailer blows donkey ball hair. It makes it look like some sorta sappy-ass movie ala Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Luckily it was more like Rushmore sans kick-ass soundtrack and Bill Murray. Here be the gist of the story: Valentín is a cross-eyed, precocious (I love that word) youngster who is all but abandoned by his parents. His dream, to become an astronaut, but that shiz aint gonna be easy living in Buenos Aires, yo. But his real dream is to be loved by someone. So, he befriends a piano teacher and one of his dad’s ex-girlfriends (uber-hottie Julieta Cardinali, who was actually present at the screening) and that’s about all I will reveal. The kid who plays Valentin is so f-in adorable. Anyone have the # of an adoption agency in Argentina? I think Dakota Fanning’s days are numbered if this kid ever learns how to speak English. This is such a cute and sweet movie that you can take a date to it and by the end, she’ll be giving you HJs til dawn (please see the animated guide for more info).

This kid, he no scared.

Io Non Ho Paura
aka I’m Not Scared

This coming of age story involves a boy who lives in the Italian countryside. When not eating spin-getti, he’s running in wheat fields with his ravioli pals. Then one day he discovers a kidnapped kid being held in a small hole. And soon he realizes that his father is involved!! Don’t be fooled, this is not a scary movie, unless you find small mumbling Italian boys covered in dirt frightening. I used to, but I finally got over that fear after years of therapy. The main kid is good, but he’s not as precocious (I STILL love that word) as lil Valetin. Btw, The cinematography in this one is muy bueno Pinot Grigio. This one won’t get you HJs, but maybe some hand holding and sweet nothings.

One day my beard will look as cool as this

I’m usually an opening weakend kinda guy, but I was mos def not going to be camping out for Kill Bill: Volume 2 after the stinkbomb that was Volume 1 (Lucy Liu, no plot, pointless violence, and Lucy Liu). So mees finally stepped away from the computer for 3+ hours and got my a$$ to the theater to see the second round. And to me sir prize, Volume 2 was not only not awful, but 2,143,823,714,897,328 times better than the first one. It’s not on par Q’s Plop Friction or even Reservoir Diz-awgs, but what can be? It’s like Orson Welles and the Citizen Kane syndrome; everything after that is bound to not be as good. I mean one of Orson’s last credits was providing the voice of Unicron in Transformers: The Movie! Anywho, here are the highlights & lowlights:

– The revenge plot is still kinda straight fwd and borrrring, but FINALLY, we got the background stories on the characters. I actually cared for them instead of hoping they all would die.

– It seems the only one who can get great performances out of Michael Madsen is Tarantino. I was a lil pissed off that he wasn’t drinking a soda out of a straw and tearing a guy’s ear off, but you can’t win them all.

– The RZA’s score is um-f-in-credible. There was some Mobyesque mash up of the Zombie’s killer tune, “She’s Not There”.

– Daryl Hannah is crazy hot again!!! Probably cause she went on MTV’s I Want A Famous Face and told em to maker her over, Romijn-formerly-Stamos style.

– Less action and more talking is actually a good thing.

– We finally learn the Bride’s name. Now that I know, I’m wondering why they fudge they bleeped it out in the first place. It doesn’t add much to the story. Whatevs.

– Why cast a little girl who can’t act, if you can get Dakota Fanning.

– The credits weren’t as pretentious as Vol 1’s. I would have cut my eyes out if I saw “The Fourth.2 Film by Quentin Tarantino” on the screen.

– With this to his credit, Samuel L. Jackson has now appeared in more movies than Mc Donalds has served people.

– David Carradine has the coolest voice ever. He can sell me shit in a bag if he wanted to.

Thanks GAD there wasn’t two of these shit stains!!

Final point: Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2 is to movies as Guns N’ Roses’ Use Your Illusion I & II is to music. Why overdue it with two, when one would suffice? Cut the crap and create one masterpiece. I mean, did the world really need two versions of “Don’t Cry”? Btw, worst/best G N’ R song ever, “Garden of Eden”

Brittany Murphy is wondering if Dakota Fanning will grow up more awkwardly than Haley Joel Omelette

1. Man On Fire – $22.7 million (New) – If anyone ever laid a finger on precocious ultra-child Dakota Fanning, I’d be a man on fire too!!! She is so adorable!!! Is it possible for me to adopt her? I don’t have much money, but we can eat at McDonald’s every day and go to Coney Island every weekend, like she and Brittany Murphy did in the shitpick, Uptown Girls. And please do not confuse this movie with the upcoming Johnny Cash biopic starring Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

2. 13 Going 30 – $21 million (New) – Why would I see this when I’ve already seen Tom Hanks’ Big. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mark Rufflesalallllao, but no Zoltar, no 10 dollars of mine. Plus, I’d rather be 26 going on 6. And am I the only one on planet USA who isn’t going gaga for Jennifer Garner? I mean she’s 30. That’s like being 106 years old in Hollywood. Time to forget about her and move onto 17 3/4-year-olds like Ms. LL, who ROCKS btw!

3. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $10.4 million ($42.9 million) – Seeing this tonight. Full scathing review forthcoming.

4. The Punisher – $6.2 million ($24.1 million) – Thomas James has sometimes been credited as Tom Elliott, Tom Jane, Tom Janes, and just plain ole Tom. What, not love for Tom N Jerry?

5. Home on the Range – $3.5 million ($42.5 million) – I’m glad to see G.W. Bailey still working. It’s been a long time since his acting renaissance of 1986-1987: Burglar, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Mannequin, and Short Circuit.

Which is the worse bet, The Really Rottens or The Washington Generals?

6. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed – $3.4 million ($76.7 million) – Screw the live-action. I’d rather see Hanna-Barbera’s Laff-A-Lympics brought to the big screen and have them deal with some of today’s hot topics: performance enhancing drugs and un-built stadiums, like the Summer Games in Greece. Can you bee leave that The Really Rottens were never overall medal winners?

7. Hellboy – $3.1 million ($54.8 million) – You’re off the hook for now HellBoo, cause Van HelSucks has replaced you in my world of hate.

8. Johnson Family Vacation – $3 million ($25 million) – How does a poopie-ass movie keep making kish cash when it receives 69 rotten tomatoes out of 74 total? On the flipside, dope-ass Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind received 160 fresh tomatoes out of 174 total and is almost out of theaters. See it b4 tits gone foreva.

9. Ella Enchanted $2.9 million ($17.4 million) – Hopefully this movie will be knocked off the top 10 next week so I don’t have to write about an Anne Hathaway movie until The Princess Diarrhea 2 is released.

10. Walking Tall – $2.6 million ($40.5 million) – If he’s the next Schwarzenegger, then’s who’s the next the Rock? Peebles or Bamm Bamm?