Thighs Wide Shut

So hows comes we’ves nevers seens Sarah Jessica Parkers & Mitch from Real Genius in the same bat room, at the same bat time?

You mean joe greene to tell me that telegrams hadn’t already gone the way of funny American sitcoms? And that Falkor’s sister isn’t already a US citizen? Shiz is gonna be a tuff task considering Fantasia is apart of the Axis of Evil.

A Gorillaz/Madonna penta-et (that’s like a duet, but for 5) will open the Grammys with 7 minutes of bang, and then the rest of the show will be 203 minutes of whimper. And why can’t we let Borat [vid] host everything?

Freaking of Borat Sagdiyev, sucks to be the British ambassador to Kazakhstan right about now, hispecially when you have to defend his humoristic merits of British racism to the people being racilisted against

Breastest home video news, until the announcement of the Twin Peaks season 2 discs: two-disc special editions HD DVD AND standard DVD releases Clockwork Orange, The Shining, 2001: Space Odyssey and an UN CUT VERSION of Eyes Wide Shut will be released later this year. Dats the news Ebert‘s been waiting ages for, for he’s been love jonezin for that lost ark of beatoff matz [source]

Jodie Sweetin a Meth addict? I guess someone had to buy Tical 2000 : Judgement Day [via Syntacular]

Reservations. Candlelight. Table Side Service. Valentine’s Day. White Castle?!?!!? Mankind has just jumped the shark… and I’ll see there! [via BRAWNY IFOCE FUTURE SUPER CHAMPION MAN]

You my friend, is no Alfred Hitchcock, and you my Malkovich aint no Kubrick, and Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.

Lindsay Lohan’s Lost Diary, is nothing but 347299553 pages about her being coo-coo for my huge-huge co-cock. Lettuce hope it does see the light of day, but not starring Michael J Fox or Joan Jett [via Navi the Elbirret]

Belated conflatulations to the mother of my children for her Outstanding Choreography nomination for work on a local ghetro production of Kiss of the Spider Woman [source]

MoMA’s gonna be a SCREAM come late Feb when there’s MUNCH to do about nothing

Gnarls Barkley

The commercial is still MIA, but Jhoon Rhee still fights for right. And for all the lizadies out there, this stud’s for you

[via SkunkI via the Dollar]
DAVE KRIEG RULES… in the fumbles department!! Ah, to be a Bears fan in ’96, when DK was kickin it and fumble apprentice Rashaan Salaam was his RB

AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh, HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh!

I’m an XL and my addy is:

Thigh Master
c/o Amblin Entertainment
123 Anywhere St
Thighland, Thailand Killah Hills 10304

Somesbody please take a thing and get Sean Paul’s ‘We Be Burnin’ [d-lode] straight outta my head and into my car a jar

Cool is having you sitting on my face

Awesome is when your TV sister is giving me a mustache ride… in 3+ years time

Something not to poop on: Triumph The Insult Comic Moonlighting As TV Weatherman In Hawaii

Is the saying “Beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer, never fear” physiologically accurate?

Fender to Kitty, ‘Hello!’

Wolf Howl Animal Peserve’s Wolf T Shirt Long Sleeve [via Kruisemanko]

IFILM’s Viral Video’s Best of 2005’s

Thighs wide Shut

I guess I can scratch this one off for Hot Cross Buns Friday: 57 Hines Ward

Bad Candy AND Bad-Candy AND Bad Video Game Covers [via Tededore | Data Que?]

And I’ve got my mind set on [aud] replacing Coyle (the soon to be William Henry Harrison of her Her Royal Thighnesses)

But I’ve also got my mind on the Shroud of Torino Winter Olympiad, where I predict that

Michael Essany
&
Meathead’s
cousin
Jan Michaelis

is an 8pt favorite
to becoming the
2nd becoming of
Simon Ammann
Swiss Ski Jumper Hero of Swissland
(but not to be confused with Swaziland)
of the Salt Lake Games
who had the single grate-ist
celebration
of
balls
time

YA GOLD!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
!!!

[watch the vid
2mins 40secs in
for all that jazz]

PEE ES – this FRIDAY at 11:59 PM IS THE HAPSOLUTELYE FINAL DAY TO SEND IN SUBMISSIONS for the Cornme in History Photochop super contest!!! Monday all entries (all 7 of them) will be posted and you will vote for who is supreme over-underlord, to me, Supreme Adobe Photoshop Commanding Vice Lord General Madine! Here’s an eggsample that I masterfullofitly did for you to choke on my genus bitches!!

go gettum gumshoes!!

and THIS JUST IN
although a day late
[via Metz]

o’ Nancy, u are so O’Best, so O’Brills, so Oh-some!!
O’y vey is the old new O-tay?

Coachella or
Bonnaroo or
Palooza
or Vans Warped Tour?
Hmmmmmmmm…

Tis never too late to replace Jane Badler with Falkor’s sis as Dirty Diana in the much over-dooed V: The Second Generation mini series

Then again, Jane does have the word ‘BAD’ in her last name, as in ‘SHE BADDER THAN A BADGER LISTENING TO MICHAEL JACKSON’S BAD WHILE REENACTING THE BADDLE OF THE NETWORK STARS… in BED!!!’

Then again, neither of dem bizatches can rock the 80s AS SEEN ON TV Ambervision sunglasses like my effin DAWG/Brigitte Nielsen in B Hills Cop II liz’ovin/finger raisin in the sun of bitch, Gunther Cunningham!!!!

But it aint no is not for it will never be so cause Faye Grant is the one and only V thighs I’d like to see wide open

• More Chronic in the ’07… somewhere Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg are giving each other handjobs

• Ebert’s Best 10 Movies of 2005

• Thigh Master’s Bestest In Movies ’05… coming in early ’06!!

• Why release a second album when you’d be basically killing yer chances of being named Spin‘s Band of The Year for the years 2006 thru 2112?

• Reason #54125672887323222434235426478d3456 not to have children

• Jossip #95 and Stereochicklets #76? If the top three aint Me, Sio Bibble, and Jimmy Smits, I swear, I’ll stop reading USA Today on weekends!!! I means, who else be #1 when searching for ‘side boob’, but NOT ‘side boobs’?

• Old meets Poo at MOMI’s everlasting arcade breastlesnessmanathon… I mean, why bother with this when dere’s this? YER ALL CLEAR KID, NOW LETTUCE BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME!!!

• Shirley sure has a lot of paying to do

• OH MY FORKIN GAWD!

• Blur – ‘Daisy Bell (A Bicycle Made For Two)’ [d-lode]

• Ali G & The Porn Convention [NSFW vid via Juwanamaker]

• I may have to replace ‘Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange!!!’ with ‘Visit Where They Filmed The Intro and a Season Eight Episode of Full House!!!!’ on my list of THINGS I NEED [via Sha Na Na BOOTY]

• I heart the girl wearing the I heart Hashem tee

• A list of all the Snapple caps ‘Real Facts’ [via Don’t Shoot Til You See The Witz of Their Eyes]

• Reason #2354235728757843s42442 why Christmas kicks Hanukkah’s a$$ [via Snopes]

• WD-40 can do it all. I bet it can even cure oral herpes or coulda destroyed Stalin’s Super Ape Men Warriors if need be. And now it’s available in a pen shape! [via Use It Or Lose Its’ Computer]

• Top 5 Muffins of 2005

• I’ll pay someone 5 dollars if they tells me which of dere links on the Lynx list haven’t been updated in over three months. It’s time to do a lil house keeperin’. Note: NONUSHOTTIES.8K.COM DOESN’T COUNT

• New Zealand Finds Black Cocks Hard to Swallow [via Brawny Man]

• Oedipus YIKES! [via Pantry Pooba]

• If I’m not avail, you taco Nazi? YTMND strikes again! [beware the garble gabble gaddle flazzle shazzle kizzle hazel navel shaveyervagina]

• And cause dumb doesn’t always have to be real: Planet Fakes [NSFW]

And this post filled with useless links that probably 3 of you clicked on is so fargin icehole brillo pad brilliant that Albert Einstein came back from his vacation from Syriana a week earlier than planned to give me a diploma in geniusness of super awesome smart man thinking stuff things. So if there aint 332234556427776 comments by the day’s end, I’ll never put another NSFW link on this .org AGAIN, EVER never say EVER AGAIN NEVER EVER AGAIN NEVER. Did I mention that Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla each gave me a rusty trombone with the Dizzy Gillespie conversion? Oh, and George Washington Carver totally gave me a high five cause I found more uses for a penis than he did for a peanut!!! Oh, and before I go…

IF YOU DON’T NETFLIX THIS BEFORE YOU SEE SPIELBERGO’S MUNICH YOU EITHER CAN’R REED OR YOU SUCK OR YOU ARE AN IDJIOT LIKE MOST PEOPLE IN AMERICA WHO DON’T READ THIS SIGHT AND WHO DO VOTE FOR CRAPPY PRESIDENTS AND BLOGS IN THINGS ABOUT STUFF THAT AREN’T WORTH MORE THAN THE MARY WORTH OF THREE DOG NIGHT MINUS THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

watch me or choke
on yer own grundle
And oh, uh, this guy aint no Gunther Cunningham either… although he does kinda look likes him

Capote
The Truman Show (bet you haven’t read that before!)
View Trailer

First, lettuce deal with the meat: Philip Seymour Hoffman better start remembering which grandparent to cry about cause on March 5, 2006, he will no doubtedly, no diggitily, walk away with the Best Actor statuette (although he shoulda been rewarded with at least a handful of Oscars for his years and years of udder fantabulos supporting work). And for that reason only, Capote is worth the price of admission. Now that we have that bidness straightened away, let’s mash the potatoes, and try not to throw on too much salt. What troubles me most is how one of the most perfect performances in recent memory can be carried by such an unfulfilling film. We aint talking no Good Night, and Good Look snooze-a-rama fest ’05 here, but we aint talkin no non-stop powerful Ben Kingsley Gandhi shiz neither. As a viewer, you sit there and watch how Truman painstakingly researched and wrote In Cold Blood for ages, and one of two things come to mind: 1) thats great and all, but I’m yearning to learn a helluva lot more about those there killers and these here killings (besides 1 minute of flashbacks and 45 minutes of sitting in jail cells), and 2) if the book was indeed Capote’s career defining moment, and subsequently led to his early departure from planet earth, why are we spared a glimpse into those downward spiraling years? I cannot give you the answers, but I can tell you what to do if yer feeling a bit of 1 or 2, or just feeling minnesota. First and foremost, read the book. Wanna talk about compelling? That there book was so dang good that I not only read it, but I finished it too!!! However, the same cannot be said of Where’s Waldo? The Fantastic Journey. Second and secondmost, Netflix the movie version. Not juss cause you can’t read, but to see Robert Blake playing a murderer onscreen, before you saw him play one in real life! And last and lastmost, sit still and do nothing for another year as ANOTHER Capote In Cold Bloodish era biopic will hit theaters. This one has a very impressive cast and will be fronted by British stage and sorta screen star Toby Jones, who kinda looks the part more than Hofnads. Will it be better, who friggin knows? But at least they’ll focus more on what we glamour whores really care about: Capote’s NYC social life, and not how many ears of corn he shucked.

Further Reading: Based on A Tru Story

Recommended for those who like: drinks with limes in em, scarves from Bergdorf’s, and people who wear scarves from Bergdorf’s, while holding drinks with limes in em, and letting their pinky stick out

Possible Porno Name: Capoontange

Unsatisfied with this? What, you can’t read long paragraphs? I told ya what to do below the middle and near the bottom

Stay
…Away
View Trailer

Oh my lord and taylor!!! THIS is THE BIGGEST piece of SHIT of not only the year, but maybe of this new millennium (which started in 2001 for you forking idjiots who got their doug jolley on in the ’00, more like ‘OOps!)!!! It was so forking garbagerrific and 199/13ths that I ALMOST got the taste of Beyond The Sea outta my asshole. If someone wanted to really torture me Clockwork Orange strap down head clamp steez, this would be the ideal viddy vid to reform me of my evil ways. I don’t even know where to begin taking a dump on this movie cause I wanted to take a dump and light it on fire right there in the theater after only 23 minutes of it!!! How could this be, Sandra Dee? It starred Young Adam/Obi Wan, Naomi Beaver Teeth HOTTZ Watts, that dude who was a Jew Nazi/Rachel McAdams Notebook buddy, and the sorta loveable, yet always huggable BOB HOSKINS!! OK, a great cast doth not maketh a good movie, but I thought it woulda had SOMETHING going for it since it was directed by the dude who duded such well doneness as Finding Neverland and Monster’s Ball!!! Maybe at least some Billy Bob Thorton bonin on the floor type bestness. No wonder there were no opening credits, cause if I woulda seen ‘Edited by Matt Chessé‘ (which is the new kind of cheese), I woulda run faster outta that theater than a parent forced to take his kid to see Max Keeble’s Big Move!!! I believe the script was written on a used tampon and I heard a rumor that they hired someone without a hand and who had MS to be the cameraman. And recently, I was telling a buddy o mine how movies should use creative match-image cuts and dissolves between scenes whenever possible. Well, after Crap On A Stick: The Movie did it ad infinitum and ad nauseum and ad hoc on my cock, I’d not only like to take that statement back, but I want do invent a time machine, first kill Hitler, and then the dude who invented that film concept. Ohhhhhhhhh how I wish I can ruin the entire movie for you by divulging all the plot points, but since it’s so convoluted and redonkeylous, it would be an insult to you dear readers if I even mentioned it. All I’ll say is that its gots one of those twisty endings, pretty much how Fincher’s The Game played out, cept the REAL big twist is when you first turn your wrist to see how much time is left before you can leave the theater.

Recommended for those who like: seeing Amy Sedaris on the phone for .3 seconds, that scary old dude who loved to eat Pi, and hearing boos and the sound of my poos during a movie

Possible Porno Name: Stay… of Erectioncution

Unsatisfied with this? Good.

Juss remember, I see awful movies so you don’t have to. Until next time, the balcony is clothed.

There be lotsa people out there who’ve been able to compile a list of the Top Ten Bestest Movies of All Time. Howevski, I am not one of those people. The bestest that I can do is tell you what four movies that methinks are tied for #1 of balls thyme. And they is (in no particular order, since they’re all tied): Citizen Kane, Psycho, Trainspotting, and… A Clockwork Orange. If you haven’t seen them, go directly to Netflix and… Netflix them up, or go see Wedding Crashers, since u boviously have no taste! Each of these films represent some different aspect of uber-genius awesomeness cinemaking, but as the days turn into weeks, which somehow bypass months and go straight to years, I keep leaning on Clockwork as the one to rule them all. Hitchcock may be the lord, but Kubrick is king, and Orange is Kubrick’s 100 point game in Hershey, PA. No one in my mind can ever top it… although I’d love to pull my hair out watching Gus van Pretentious try his hand at a shot-by-shot remake of it in B&W.

Sure the themes aren’t easy on the eyes and on the thighs (rape, brainwashing, and even more rape), but who wants easy? I like my celluloid to be challenging, thought-provoking, and as far from fluff as possible. Every time I enter a theater (or sadly turn on the DVD player) I want to be wowed. It’s rarity when it happens, but it does indeed happen. And nothing has enraptured me and never let go of my conscience quite like the Clockwork has, ever since my British friend Paul made me viddy it well back in the 9-5. I was thirsten like Ellen Burstyn for mo so I went out and read Alex Burgess’ novel of the same name. That read made me appreciate Kubrick’s vision all that more and den some, with some dim sum. I could go on and on, but the real purpose for this post is not to masturbate about the work as a whole in words, but to qwikly boast and toast how the Kubester was able to create an incredible dystopian future world using eggisting people, places, and things on a shoestring budget of 2.2 mil… + other useless info

Before Kubrick ever tackled the project, several different ideas were floating around as to how Alex and his Droogs should be cast. At one point girls in miniskirts, old-age pensioners, and even the effin The Rolling Stones were considered. Actually Kubes wasn’t the first to bring it to the screen, Warhol beat em too it 6 years before with his interpretation titled Vinyl. I have yet to see it, and it’s only available on DVD outside of the US, but werd has it that it’s not very good. The opening scene, where there’s a zoom back from the main protagonist, was later aped by Kubrick for the very first scene in his version. After Kubrick, there were a few knockoffs, like the spicy Italian flicks Clockwork Terror (aka Murder In a Blue World) and La Gang dell’Arancia Meccanica. And it was only a matter of time before a porn was born: A Clockwork Orgy [More on Vinyl | More on rip-offs]

Any scene that had an outtake or was cut from the final film was burned at Kubrick’s request. Therefore don’t be looking for an extended DVD anytime soon. However, these two pics survived. One shows the Droogs accosting an old man (who may have been Col Sanders) outside of a library, and the other is of their beloved car, the Durango 95, taking them home after a night of tomfoolery. [More]

Speaking of the Durango 95, it actually was a real car called the Probe 16. Only three were ever made and only two eggist to this day. The third one was rumored to have been burned, and this juss may be it. Maybe Alex should’ve used these hot wheels to impress chicks, not drive to their house and rape them.

Many of the films locations hactually did eggsist (only 4 were built), like the lake where Alex gets personal, the tunnels where old bums deserved to get a beat down, and the Ludivico Centre where Alex gets a tune up. Luckily some bloke created a site showing and telling you about said places and MORE. But I’m sure u already know this since Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange hasn’t left my ‘Things I Need’ list since it’s inception. Sadly, the Korova Milk Bar was a set, and not a real drinking hole. Even more sadly, some peoples in NYC had the grand idea to open a bar of the same name and it not only does it not capture the hotness of the Milk Bar as it rightly should (see statue below), but it also sucks ass. They are hoping to land investors to open one in Vegas. Good luck wit dat!!

Kube was an artist, and so was his wife Christiane (who appeared in his Paths of Glory). Together they found a bunch of stuff to fill the walls de Clockwork, like the flowery girly works of JH Lynch, the gonzo looking Hydraulic Reference turntables, the dancing Christs and penis sculptures of Herman Makkink, and even some of CK’s own work. Most bestest was the borrowing/stealing of Allen Jones’ women as table and chair sculptures and turning them into the tables at the ole Korova Milk Bar. [More]

Thirsteabag for more? Set aside an hour or so and thumb thru the thumbcredible Malcom McDowell Tribute site, for which most of the above info was thieved from

End of post BONUS: Italian dub version wav files… Pasta | Pesto | Naples | Chef Boyardee

You are now eggzitting a pointless posting…

So now that the one of the breastest shows of all thymes, Six Feet Under, is coming to an end, will there be life after death? Well I have one restupidilous idea floating around my toilet bowl of a head…

(eggscuse crappy mock-up, I’m using Microsoft Paint)
It’ll be juss like the Herbie movie, cept this red-head is hactually more bangable now than Lohagski, and we’d actually love to see this car ressucrrected like Tupac!! Maybe we can even get Kevin Dillon to replace his brother as the evil guy. If not, Corey D will do.

• HRT the IIIrd is set to become the Queen of Tennis the XVth. There hasn’t been this much uniting of kingdoms since… er, uh, um, THE UNITED KINGDOM!!

• Peace the pork out Norma Jennings‘ slimy step-pa, Ernie ‘The Professor’ Niles

• Don’t worry, I’m happy!

• Boobalicious Brit asks CC to sing at her wedding

• Timeline: Blur v Oasis after Britpop

• Tickle me jealous: this guy got paid $1.85 per hour watch A Clockwork Orange a total of 62 times

• Whatever became of acid rain?

• Walken For Prez [via Shoppe]

• Robocat [via Dr Falada via Engadget]

• I’m in VT licking maple syrup for the next week or so, so posting my be a lil lighter than Al Leiter’s loafers. In the meantime…