Thighs Wide Shut

Say what you will about Labor, Arbor or Secretary’s Day, but thighs down, there is no better American holiday than Spanksgiving. Everyone in our mostly fine country celebrates it, regardless of race, color, smell, or updog. If yer not eating pie on the third Thursday in November, then you probably aint gonna make it with anyone anyhow. So in honor of Honor Blackman‘s boning of Principal Onyx Blackman while listening to Onyx‘s ‘Slam'[d], we give spanks, and misgivings, and Earnest Givens

Spanksgiving!
-for my mother’s redonkey-donk greasy spoon
-for Joe Gibbs listening to Jesus’ call to bench Mark Brunell
-for Cliff Engle
-for Goldenfiddle
-for Orbit’s Lemon-Lime gum
-for Shitney giving her ho the heave
-for Garyland’s 7-0 start that may wash away memories of missing the tourney for the past 2 years and this, Navi the Terrible Bowler’s desktop background image
-for the color combo of green and yellow
-for Amy Ruth’s candied yams
-for The Onion‘s headlines
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors, and for those who boo his name when they see his Apocalypto trailer in theaters
-for Under Armour undies, they protect this house, and by house i mean my sweaty ball sac and killer dong!
-for Jhoon Rhee’s ‘Nobody Bother Me’ commercial
-for saucy red-heads with everlasting smiles
-for Spike TV’s Bond-A-Thon & AudioGarden’s Casino Royale KILLAH Bond theme
-for the moment I get my grubby lil hands on the Nintendo Wii
-for Drew Brees’ fantasy numbers that actually make Peyton Manning benchable in my keeper league
-for 1/20/09
-for Maryland’s world’s bestest flag
-for Borat’s endless curiosity of packaged cheese
-for Dan Steinberg’s Sports Bog
-for Sesame Chicken
-for bowling
-for Matthew leaving Eleanor at home to put her boots back on
-for mustaches
-for the return of Kelly Leak

Misgivings!
-for that cacophony of crap that is Timb Lake’s ‘Sexy Back’
-for the NFL Network
-for HD-DVD & Blu-Ray
-for mircowaved tunafish
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors
-for Nazis
-for Surf Nazis, who must die
-for my State Comptroller
-for Tower Records’ closing
-for the NBA
-for Philly’s Mütter Museum‘s love of all things mad yuck, including but not limited to sliced sections of the human head
-for NBC picking up Studio 60 for the whole season, thus forcing me to watch overly dramatic shiz that doesn’t need to be dramatic
-for Libby Gelman-Waxner’s mostly worthless ‘If You Ask’ articles in Premiere
-for Jessica Shaw’s always worthless Shaw Report in EW
-for the Lions, who should be banned from Turkey Day
-for Gustav Graves

Earnest Givens!

Peace The Fork Out
to
the slickest
father of The Omen nanny
who could do
one-armed push-ups AND win Oscars
sell antifreeze
like it was nobody’s bidness
and drink ‘n yell solo
better than Han
Volodymyr ‘Walter Jack Palance’ Palahniuk

1919 – 2006

also PTFO to Gerald Levert, Shea ‘Ghetto’ Stadium, and to the Redskins season (now you know why I didnt make mention of that FLUKE last Sunday), UNLESS they make the right move and start Jason Campbell, which I’ve been basically callin for since week 2!!

and 60 Minutes does Ed Bradley proper, includin Andy Rooney

and to turn them frowns upside down, like wees was Lionel Kiddie City (where I once was caught stealing 90210 trading cards from)…

in honor of Borat’s 2nd week as king of the box office, despite several lawsuits, and the auctioning of the Back To The Future II hoverboard, here lies Borat’s, by far, mos memorable appearance on US television: learning how to make a bed with Martha Stewart

Wagamama Boston Opening Spring 2007

and if that wasn’t enuff for ya, get yer own uncut copy of Little Superstar: The Movie, or whatever tis called!

spank yous HotBoxPizzaFan#1, Chillary G, TMZ, and Ben Silverbreakdancin Machine

Cuthbest = bestcuth!

[Moo Hotties]

many Bothan spies died to tell us that PW Botha, William Styron, and Mr Eko all peaced the fork out, as well as Bob Barker‘s decisish to dump his super amazin super slim microphone

the real stories behind Borat

the usual Alex James spreadin Blur reunion blather leads the Snob to hump the Queen, for good or for bad

Rev Al Sharpton hates the NFL network more than Andy Rooney hates people who wear American flag pins

Kevin from The Office, no longer a canidate for the Nats job [DC Bestest Guy]

here’s yer chance to help make the National Mall > than Scenes From A Mall

I’ve heard of Miami of Ohio, and even lame-o-er than lame-o Indiana of Pennsyvania, but California University of Pennsylvania? I would never drink to that CUP!

Monica Bellucci in Italy’s GQ, always barely SFW

The Most Brilliant Thing You’ll See All Day [Boris Becker’s Love Child]

Wikipedia: Lamest edit wars

Celebs In Lingerie

Friday the 13th: In 7 Minutes

Top Ten Female Streakers [The Terrible Bowler]

Knuckle Tattoos

Dog Ties

Camp Camp

Top Gun T Shirts

Bunny Yawns

Little People

Tootie’s Bong [De La Roachclip]

Men of Mortuaries

Melting Ice Pops 1999-2004

Debbie McGee Models

Cindy Margolis Playboy Scans, butter late than never say never again [NSFW]

and the Bloodsport Mentos Commercial

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