Thighs Wide Shut

Yes, the day has frynally arrived! If you haven’t already d-loded Ms Allen’s beyond bestnessness debut album a zillion times over you can buy it in stores or online today! Amazon’s even hawkin it for a ron measly $7.99! And I heard a dirty Jewish rumor that you haven’t read our interview with her or bought tix to her US shows, right you dirty Goys?

and YES, this is the gayest pic of Gandalf that you will ever see

•and yes, some of these people may be gay, but what they all have in common is that they recently forked the peace the out: Barbaro, Mr Microscope, the faux Watergate burglar, Mr (sorta) Whipple, the HOF teller, a Crazy Horse to Crow about, McGovern’s ho-bag, ‘Popozao’s papa, the knower of plants’ dirty secrets, Mr Hollyweed, Big Lips’ mumsy, the unmasked goalie, Sally Ann’s Bears pappy, a total Luzzer, a doll of some guy, Mr Lighthouse, the no longer oldest bizatch, and the son of RAGU!!!!

the closest one can get to Stanley Kubrick these days, besides catchin a giant retrospective, like the one in suburban MD, is buying the artwork of his wife, Christiane

the one link I shoulda never clicked on cause I is now blind: I am – Mena Suvari Topless Beach of the Day [NSFW & Eyes]

Borat, now in bunnyvision

The Slow Clap, sadly not about the creeping up of gonorrhea

death from a doppleganger

Library Thing Suggester or to hell with that and juss try to keep pace with everytang that Art Garfunkel has read

PFUBU (Porn For Us By Us): Assraellis [NSFW]

What Does 200 Calories Look Like?

kids, make yer own Optimus Prime! [Pakula Shaker]

love animated gifs? then you’ll love the Animated Gif Mashup!

hey you, if you ever find that ‘peggy flemming thigh machine‘, lemme know cause I wanna sue that bitch for Thighpyright infringement

The Post-It Note Jaguar, most likely engineered by Romy and Michele

and if yer ever in northern VT, besides gettin yer nosh on at Al’s French Frys, you muss muss stop at Ben & Jerry’s Factory Tour in Waterbury. It’s not the craziest thang ever but me & the Thigh Mistress, although not as hot as these two, found it all to be quite mooooooooooving

If you need more info on the tour
please contact them toll-free
at 866-BJ-TOURS

The Academy Awards are beginning to reflect the movies they honor: they blow donkey balls like Kevin Smith! Without furtrher a poop…

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

WINNER: Babel, but if Little Miss Sunshine does, I’ll never watch a movie again

Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O’Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last king of Scotland

WINNER: what, no love for the cast of Little Man? Oh wait, that’s the Razzies, so take a walk in the Forest Whitaker

Actress
Penélope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

WINNER: Streep throat would make a great Supporting winner, but all hail the Queen AND the Redskins!

Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

WINNER: Eddie Murphy, although Kelly Leak would be a nice

Supporting Actress
Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

WINNER: remember, singing doesn’t = acting, but voters don’t know this so Jennifer ‘As Big As The’ Hudson

Director
Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Babel
Paul Greenglass, United 93
Martin Scorsese, The Departed

WINNER: Make-up call time so tits your year Marty! Although to hell with Marty if he wins one cause Alfred Hitchcock never won one!!!

Foreign Film
“After the Wedding” Denmark
“Days of Glory (Indigenes)” Algeria
“The Lives of Others” Germany
“Pan’s Labyrinth,” Mexico
“Water” Canada

WINNER: I hear Water is wet but Pan can handle!!

Adapted Screenplay
Sacha Baron Cohen and Anthony Hines and Peter Baynham and Dan Mazer and Todd Phillips, “Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”
Alfonso Cuaron and Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby, “Children of Men”
William Monahan, “The Departed”
Todd Field and Tom Perrotta, “Little Children”
Patrick Marber, “Notes on a Scandal”

WINNER: all are eggsalad choices but I think Tom and Todd will have a FIELD day!!

Original Screenplay
Guillermo Arriaga, “Babel”
Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis, “Letters From Iwo Jima”
Michael Arndt, “Little Miss Sunshine”
Guillermo del Toro, “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Peter Morgan, “The Queen.”

WINNER: since it really won’t win anything but hype, the voters will give Lil Miss this win here

Animated Feature Film
“Cars”
“Happy Feet”
“Monster House”

WINNER: who cares, but the one with cars will DRIVE away with it

Art Direction
“Dreamgirls”
“The Good Shepherd”
“Pan’s Labyrinth”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
“The Prestige.”

WINNER: Dreamgirls with Pan as a pastability

Cinematography
“The Black Dahlia”
“Children of Men”
“The Illusionist”
“Pan’s Labyrinth”
“The Prestige”

WINNER: Children of Bestness

Sound Mixing
“Apocalypto”
“Blood Diamond”
“Dreamgirls”
“Flags of Our Fathers”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.”

WINNER: Dreamgals cause they aint nominated in the following category…

Sound Editing
“Apocalypto”
“Blood Diamond”
“Flags of Our Fathers”
“Letters From Iwo Jima”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”

WINNER: one of the Eastwood flicks cause no one likes anti-Semites

Original Score
“Babel” Gustavo Santaolalla
“The Good German,” Thomas Newman
“Notes on a Scandal,” Philip Glass
“Pan’s Labyrinth,” Javier Navarrete
“The Queen,” Alexandre Desplat

WINNER: Glass, cause he’s never won one

Original Song
“I Need to Wake Up” from “An Inconvenient Truth,” Melissa Etheridge
“Listen” from “Dreamgirls,” Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven
“Love You I Do” from “Dreamgirls,” Henry Krieger and Siedah Garrett
“Our Town” from “Cars,” Randy Newman
“Patience” from “Dreamgirls,” Henry Krieger and Willie Reale

WINNER: yuck. Vote against D-girls so go Melissa Etheridge!

Costume
“Curse of the Golden Flower”
“The Devil Wears Prada”
“Dreamgirls”
“Marie Antoinette”
“The Queen”

WINNER: to hell with Coppola so why not give Prada the love?

Documentary Feature
“Deliver Us From Evil”
“An Inconvenient Truth”
“Iraq in Fragments”
“Jesus Camp”
“My Country, My Country”

WINNER: it should be Jesus Camp but it’ll probably be the Al Gore show cause he invented the internet, documentaries, and Jesus

Documentary (short subject)
“The Blood of Yingzhou District”
“Recycled Life”
“Rehearsing a Dream”
“Two Hands”

WINNER: two hands… will clap for Blood In Zhang Ziyi’s Crotch!

Film Editing
“Babel”
“Blood Diamond”
“Children of Men”
“The Departed”
“United 93”

WINNER: United AIRLINES, even though that Discovery channel doc was far lake superior!!

Makeup
“Apocalypto”
“Click”
“Pan’s Labyrinth”

WINNER: you mean to tell me that CLICK can now call itself an OSCAR NOMINATED FILM??#@?@#?>@$ Pan I Am green eggs and SPAM!!

Animated Short Film
“The Danish Poet”
“Lifted”
“The Little Matchgirl”
“Maestro”
“No Time for Nuts”

WINNER: who isn’t nuts about deez nuts?

Live Action Short Film
“Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)”
“Eramos Pocos (One Too Many)”
“Helmer & Son”
“The Saviour”
“West Bank Sto
ry”

WINNER: the Middle East is so out so lets roll the dice on Binta & The Jets

Visual Effects
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
“Poseidon”
“Superman Returns”

WINNER: boo, but Supes

Academy Award winners previously announced this year:

Honorary Award (Oscar statuette)
Ennio Morricone

WINNER: a close race, but Ennio Morricone will get a fist full of Oscars!!!

JEAN HERSHOLT HUMANITARIAN AWARD
Sherry Lansing

WINNER: the ghost of Sherry Palmer!

Join
Thighs’ Annual Oscar Pool!!
Group name: Kelly Leak Takes A Leak
Password: badnews
$10 entry fee
Winner takes all
(if there be a tie, the winner will be decided by a Jell-O pudding wrestlin match)
contact me for payment shazzle!!
(ps, my entry is ‘Pan’s Labium’)

Here were our early picks in the ’05 & the ’06

Twice again, inspired by the the greatestist single newspaper and sorta by the Bruno skit where one has to choose between giving Jack Black candy or cancer, I ice man giveth to you, what will be hottier and nottier than my shits in the ‘007

OUT	IN
Daniel Craig’s Bond	Gold Bond On Craig’s List
Gerald Ford Death Watch	George HW Bush Death Watch
Idlewild	Girls Gone Wild
Dwight Schrute	•Andy Bernard
Nintendo Wii	WWIII
Heebs	Peabs
Cat Butts	Dave Butz
JOing	Faping
Trapper Keepers	Trapper John, M.D.s
Midgets	Midgees
Borat	Carl Barat
Cleft Chins	Cleft Palates
Ayn Rand	Rand McNally
Remakes	RE/MAX
Sesame Street	Sesame Chicken
Al Gore	Frank Gore
The Hobbit	John Wayne Bobbit
The Blogerati	Literati
Lily Allen	Ethan Allen
Nudie Books	Louise Brooks Nude
Wikipedia	Wookieepedia
Hating On Mel Gibson	Hating Mel Gibson
Fried Okra	Fire Oprah
The Frat Pack	Hebrew National’s Party Pack
Smoking Kools	Monocles
Thin Women	Thin Crust
Tony Kornheiser	Dan Steinberg
Pigs In a Blanket	Pig Blankets
Fantasy Football	The Fantasy of Your Mom Playing With My Balls
‘It Smells Like Upyo’	‘Want Some Fumunda Cheese?’
Keith David	David Keith
Dancing With The Stars	Dancing With SARS
Eye Patches	Thigh Patches
The Rape of the Sabine Women	The Rape of Dakota Fanning
Seacrest Out	Seacrest In
Unitards	Retards
US Weekly	IP Freely
Deforestation	DeForest Kelly
Adolf Hitler Eating Watermelon	Adolph Coors Eating Pussy

and here’s what was In Oder Aus in the ’06

Remember, I’m a movie snob, not a music one, so my top picks are pretty much the only albums I listened to this past year. I’d rather be adventurous when I order out for Chinese, not when seekin out hot new artists that every other blogger cross the globe wastes their time leg humpin on. But why should I explain myself when I basically launched Lily Allen’s US career, right?

Les Breastest Albums
of 2006
To Hug Denim In Closets To

(I just don’t know hot to quit using this image)

1) Matthew Friedberger – Winter Women
(but NOT Holy Ghost Language School)

2) Lily Allen – Alright, Still
3) Jean-Benoit Dunckel – Darkel

4) The Flaming Lips – At War With The Mystics
5) The Sounds – Dying to Say This to You

6) The Streets – The Hardest Way to Make an Easy Living
7) The Who – Endless Wire
8) Kasabian – Empire

9) The Blue Safari – The Bluegrass Tribute To Air
10) Ghostface Killah – Fishscale
11) Keane – Under the Iron Sea

Concerts That Were More
Procerts Than Concerts

Wu-Tang Clan @ Phil’s Electric Factory – Feb 11
Gorillaz @ The Apollo – Apr 2 & 6 (Opening/Closing nights)
The Sounds @ Irving Platz – Apr 12
Ladytron @ Irving/Webster Hall – Apr 14/Sep 28
Keane @ Bowery – Jun 23
The Streets/Lad
y Sov @ Webster Hall – Jun 27
The Raconteurs @ Lolla – Aug 4
Chris Isaak @ The Beacon – Aug 18
Roger Waters @ Jones Beach – Sep 15
The Who @ MSG – Sep 18
Lily Allen @ Hiro Ballroom – Oct 10

+ two mos painful shows I sat thru
Charlatans UK @ Webster – May 16
Radiohead @ MSG Theatre – June 14

Tuneses For Toonces

Amy Winehouse – ‘Rehab’ [d]
Beck – ‘Think I’m In Love’ [d]
Beirut – ‘Mount Wroclai (Idle Days)’ [d]
Charlatans UK – ‘When The Lights Go Out In London’ [d]
Chris Cornell – ‘You Know My Name’ [d]
Christina Aguilera – ‘Candyman’ [d]
Darkel – ‘TV Destory’ [d]
DMC w/ Sarah McLach ‘Just Like Me’ [d]
Edie Brickell & The New Bos – ‘I’ll Wear You Down’ [d]
Fanfare Ciocarlia – ‘Born To Be Wild’ [d]
Fiery Furnaces – ‘I’m In No Mood’ [d]
Flaming Lips – ‘It Overtakes Me’ [d]
Ghostface Killah & Ne-Yo – ‘Back Like That’ [d]
Gnarls Barkley – ‘Crazy’ [d]
Gnarls Barkley – ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ [d]
Good, The Bad & The Queen – ‘Herculean’ [d]
Jack White – ‘What Goes Around’ [d|vid]
Jarvis Cocker – ‘Cunts Are Still Running The World’ [d]
Justin Timberlake – ‘My Love’ [d]
Kasabian – ‘Shoot The Runner’ [d]
Keane – ‘Is It Any Wonder?’ [d]
Leperchaun’s Hot Dogs – ‘Where The Gold At?’ [d|vid]
Lily Allen – ‘Friday Night’ [d]
Lily Allen – ‘Knock Em Out’ [d]
Lily Allen – ‘LDN’ [d]
Matthew Friedberger – ‘Her Chinese Typewriter’ [d]
Moby & Debbie Harry – ‘New York, New York’
(Armand Van Helden remix) [d]
Paris Hilton – ‘Stars Are Blind’ [d]
Raconteurs – ‘Steady As She Goes’ [d]
Red Hot Chili Peppers – ‘Dani California’ [d]
Sean Lennon – ‘Friendly Fire’ [d]
Sounds – ‘Painted By Numbers’ [d]
Streets – ‘Hotel Expressionism’ [d]
Who – ‘Not Enough’ [d]
Wigwam – ‘Wigwam’ [d]
Wolfmother – ‘Woman’ [d]
Wu-Tang Clan – ‘9 Milli Bros’ [d]
Zutons – ‘You’ve Got A Friend In Me’ [d]
•
think this year’s blazzles blew burrito chunks? Czech out the ’05, the ’04, and the ’03’s moist choices!

and before we jet outta here, lettuce pay due respeck

Peace The Fork Out
to
the man who really needs no introduction
other than bein
the Godfather of Soul
James Joseph
Brown, Jr.

1928 or 1933 – 2006
I was lucky to have seen the man perform twice in my life. The first time was the mos memorable, although I was 10 and I can’t eggzactly prove that I was there. Anywho, the event was a six-hour Vietnam Vet tribute concert entitled Welcome Home, and was held at the now deceased Capital Centre, in Landover, MD. The bill was chock-loaded with the likes of Crosby Stills, & Nash, Richie Havens, Linda Ronstadt, et al, but one act stood above the rest: James Brown. I didn’t understand why he kept on playing, even after endless pleas for him to stop came from a stagehand, but years later I found out that is was all a par
t of his act. What a true showman. A showman who’s talents (and hair) will never equalled. Hopefully Papa’s got a brand new bag and whatever else he desires in that big Apollo Theater in the sky

DC’s NBC bids a-boo to my girl Susan Kidd & Arch Campbell, aka the world’s wurstest movie reviewer, juss a couple o weeks after forcin George Michael and his Sports Machine out da door. It actually went all downhill for GM back in the summer of ’98 after I quit an internship with his Sports Machine after one day cause I was told I would be watching baseball games all summer long. They should try that form of torture down there in Guantanamo! Anywho, you all will be missed. Well, not all of you, but I don’t think they shoulda lost their jobs they way they did… and if their jobby jobs aint safe is Mac McGarry‘s?

and I guess it’s better to lose a job than yer life, so we give brief PTFOuts to the dude who sorta helped Edward Norton’s career and Richard Gere’s hair and the bizatch who basically paved the way for Alex DeLarge to have a song to sing while raping and pillaging

Lily Allen, cutie at large (no relation to Alex DeLarge)

[herspace]
Prices Is Right: THE Bouncing Boob Montage [Soriano’s Lover]

Jack White, the OG Dane Cook

Hey, YAAAAAAAAAA [Hattan]

‘I Done Soiled My Britches!‘ [Gulf of Tonkin]

Where Are They Now: The White Shadow

the real Fapino Royale [NSFW]

world’s wurstest burglar since the Hamburglar [Jewanicur/Texas Dave]

Jonesing for Jones. I dare you to try to keep up with them all

Where does the expression ‘Be there or be square’ come from?

Stuff People Write On Money

Abandoned Shopping Carts

before Sacha Baron Cohen was the cause of Kiddd Rockk’s ire he was a nobody/the host of some busted-arsed UK cable show called Pump TV. Peep a bit o’ his stylin’s here (at the beginning and then about 3:45 in)

and whatever you do, do NOTTTTT click this