Thighs Wide Shut

So much shiz to ketchup on, so lets get this part-tay started…

– Star Wars: Episode Blah has a new name: Revenge of the Sith. George Puck-on-us, you already shat on my childhood, so why don’t you just do us all a favor and call the final piece of yer dung trilogy, Return of the Shitstain. And if Lobot doesn’t make an appearance in Sith, Linda Ronstadt and I will never bone you again!!

– So if I stop wearing furs and denounce my carnivoreship, can I hook up with some hot hippie chick all day long? (click on the video on the right side)

– Where do washed-up famous gay peoples find work? On a 24-hour gay network that needs to fill a lot of hours o’ programming. Welcome back to the working world Scott Thompson and Chastity Bono!!

– Everyone least favorite Jeopardy! contestant, KJ, ended the season on a high note. Cpt Boring broke the one-day record with $75K large, bringing his grand total after 38 episodes to $1,321,660. Wow, that’s more TV appearances than the entire cast of 21 Jump Street (sans J-Depp) has had after the show was cancelled. Poor Dustin Nguyen and Peter DeLuise. Maybe they can try to borrow some cash off of KJ when the show resumes on September 6th.

– Peace the mudder-fudge out to a man with one of the flyest names ever: Cotton Fitzsimmons.

– Ian Brown plays Stone Roses songs for the 1st time in almost ten years. Now do everyone a favor and get the band back together before someone dies.

– Amateur porno makers take note, cause Paris Hilton is once again open for bidness.

– News article that reinforces my point about F-9/11 only appealing to Democrats: few Republicans who have seen the movie appear to have been swayed by its propaganda. Anywho, the flick just crossed the 100 mil mark.

– Speaking of the erection, Bush Hopes to Sway Jewish Voters. Good luck with that one!

– This bird hates Dutch art.

– I love women, but I’d rather slit my eyes out or see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen than watch them play basketball. However I may have to waive my harsh policies since the NY Liberty have found temporary asylum at the infamous Radio City Music Hall, while MSG hosts the Resucklican Party Convention. How umcredible is that? If only they handed out free HJs and BJs then more men would go too!

– Trainspotting pub to close down.

– Ricky Williams chooses weed over the NFL. Glad the Skins passed up on that shlub-bub.

And here be a forkload of odd news (new and old) with major help from Flea’s Ho-bag:

– Police Seek Naked Fast-Food Patron. Hopefully he wasn’t covered in nacho cheese.

– Olsoivian hotel workers call to ban hotel porn. I guess they don’t want to make a profit anymore.

– Bush writes on dung. Fitting since his words are sh%t!

– 416 pounds of beauty.

– Women Plow In Nude To Relieve Drought. Is that how Borat’s wife died?

– DotComGuy changes name back to Mitch Maddox. Surprisingly, DotLoser is married. I bet her name was DotTunaCrotchChick.edu

Listen now rude boys, if you don’t have HBO by now, it’s time to stop buying that monthly porno and hunker down a whopping $12.95 a month before I come to yer MASH (mansion, apartment, shack, or house) and beat you down. And if you don’t even have cable, it’s time to denounce yer citizenship and head back to Mother Russia you communist swine. America was built on cable TV. Why do you think dem Pilgrims left England? 5 channels of snooker and woman’s curling? Eggggzactly. Anywho, get HBO, NOW. Why o rye? Cause tonight’s presentations of Six Feet Underful and the brand spankin’ new Da Ali G Show were so phat, they were off the pH scale (not an acid, nor a base).

I have berry high eggspactations for this season’s Da Ali G Show and the first episode did not let me down one megabyte. Classic Ali G (the ATF canine bit was umcredible). Classic Borat (Polaroids speak louder than words). And yes, even classic Bruno (wanted to give a gay converting pastor a lap dance). I hadn’t laughed this much since the Calvin Coolidge administration.

And now for Six Feet Fumendercheese love. This show does not quit. Alan Ball is so on the ball that he’s the Pele of TV. Tonight’s ep was one of the best of the entire series. Period! Exclamation point. I won’t get into sordid details about what happened, as I’d prefer you actually watch the replay sometime this week on HBO14MST (HB0-14-Mountain Standard Time), but it was one of the most terrifying and gut-wrenching episodes of not only Six Fleet, but of telly-vision in the last few years. If only The Sopranos were half as good as Feet Thunder in its 4th season. I think they were too busy arguing over a cannoli and doing the same things 32 times over. Anywho, bravo Alan Ball. May Hollywood just keep throwing money at you, cause yer one of the few who actually deserve it.

And here’s yer sorta-weekly Rachel Griffiths Bitched @ Swirth (sorry, but she does sort of scare me like dem puppets from The Dark Crystal):

– Ken is bigger than Jesus!!

– Field Day Festival on for July or August 2005? I’m sure it will get cancelled 10 minutes before the first band is set to go on and thus Andrew Dreskin will have a Failed Day 2 on his hands. And by the weigh, get rid of this ye olde stinkbag website… no one cares what yer next move is.

– It’s a tough time to be named Michael. I should know (although my first name is really Thigh). The most heteroflexible name around is also the title of the most heteroflexible song since Air’s “Sexy Boy”. Damn you Franz Ferdeez-nuts!!! I don’t want to ever hear this phrase coming out of another man’s mouth, “Come all over me, Michael!”

– Bestest/stoopidistist political thing since the Howard Dean remix-eggsplosion: this. [Linka via Navi]

– OK, now forget about Carey and Busch. Let’s get Ditka one step closer to the White Huis. [Link via My Man Marvkus]

– Nuewe Yorkers: Why pay to see M Night Shamalangadingdong’s The Village when you can see it for free? Here’s my guess on how the plot thickens: Unknown forces from forest scare people from Pennsylvania and eventually they have to confront them. The Pencil-vain-ens eventually figure out that the unknown forces have a phobia of rutabagas and run them out of town. And somewhere in there M Nigh Sha-dingdong has a 17 minute cameo.

– More free: The Sugar Hill Gang rocks the South Street Seaport Thursday at 6 pm. I hear they do a 43 minute version of “Rapper’s Delight”. [Heads up via The Biz vs the BJNewms]

– How come almost a month passed and no one had informed me that Surreal Life: Round 3 was a go until yesterday? It’s peace out to the Double-U-B and hello-mello VHOne. Onboard this go around is the rather impressive line-up of Charo, Dave Coulier, Flava Flav, NKOTBester Jordan Knight, Brigitte Nielsen, and some American Idol finalist douche bag. Unfortunately, none of these housemates were who I had in mind. I can’t believe they passed on The Fat Boys, Poochie, Yakov Smirnoff, the Lohan, and JD Salinger (click for pre-Thigh Master musings)! [Gawd bless you for the knowles-edge Senor Gombiergas]

– Best flea market score evers!

– David Grohl bangs his gong for Nine Inch Nails. Is a Tupac collaboration far behind?

– Please die Clear Channel. Last VV article, I promise!

– Bad Idea Jeans: Fox’s 24-hour reality channel AND Basic Instinct 2.

– “Peeping Tom” explained!

– And yer headline del dia: Man Jailed for Shooting Off His Testicles.

– Blind man marries Tori Spelling. Somewhere David Silver breathes a sigh of relief and Screech Powers is contemplating suicide.

– This is where the world’s finest vaginas go.

– Is this guy the Lenny Bruce of Winnebagos? [Link via Posh & Beckser]

– May be old news, but it was just brought to my attention that picking your nose and eating it may make you healthier. With this and french fries being considered a fresh veggie, its only a matter of months before Norman Chad’s Tour de Couch becomes a reality. [Link via Senor Gombergos]

– Who knew that David Koresh was such bad-a$$? [Link via RayKwan the Chef vs Meth vs Chef Boyardee]

– Jacky White dropped by TheWhiteStripes.net for a lil Q & A. Word is that they may head back into the studio this summer, he’s never gonna repair his mangled hand, there’ll be a CD release of all their B-sides, Fritz Lang rocks, the jihad on the documentarian is still in effect, Peru may be in the cards, and Rene Zellweger puckers her lips too dang much. Read the whole transcript here.

– Related to Genghis Khan? Then you can get yerself some free eats!! And if yer related to Chaka Khan, you can get, er, um, uh, ah, nothing!

– Fish can be so heteroflexible sometimes.

– Go ahead, Rate My Implants. [NSFW Link via Tim “Fudger” Altie]

– One of the most umcredible/hands-on museums in the world, The American Museum of the Moving Image has assembled quite an impressive backlog of Presidential campaign commercials. Boy do the ones wees got today suck asthma. I mean, czech out this Nixon anti-Hubert Humphrey spot… it looks like an episode of The Prisoner. F-in mint.

– Fattyboy Slim Jim’s Palookaville drops Doc October 5th. I already know the collaboration with Damon Albarn is going to be more money than The Money Train.

– Fellow Jew Yorkers, enter to win passes to The Bourne Supremacy or some movie that might as well be called JuJu Bees.

– Finally, what’s going to be the worst date movie since my friend Joel took a gal to see Kevin Bacon molest kids in Sleepers? This one.

And how bout some love for Ali G’s Kazakhstani cohort, Borat Sagdiyev. Remember this following classic exchange at the rodeo:

Borat – I once carry a woman against her will for near one mile.

Southern Man – You did? [to 2nd Southern Man] He carried a woman against her will for one mile!

2nd Southern Man – Oh really?!

Southern Man – Why’d you do that?

Borat – To show her my home

Southern Man – OK. She liked itwhen she got there?

Borat – Yees. She my wife now.

Well, Borat will be happy to learn that there’s a Wife Carrying World Championship held every year in Sonkajarvi, Finland.

And just for good ole thyme shiz and kibbles, here’s Drobnjak Manjaks’ interactive website. This is about the best thing that the NBA has to offer.

[Major link love via Joe E Tartar and The Hof of the Nads]