Thighs Wide Shut

– The Peabs and the Coz are back on the campaign trail after a well deserved 14-year old banging spree in Thailand. Can life gets any butter than this? I sayeth no.

– Ralph Fiennes (somehow pronounced Rayff Fines) is named to play He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in Harry Pothead 4. Joseph Fiennes was found digging through Ralph’s trash for rejected scripts.

– Spielberg delays his movie about terrorism due to… terrorism. Maybe now he can work on getting Orson Welles alive to reprise his role as Unicron for Senor’s upcoming Transformers flick.

– What we’ve all been masturbating for: TiVo file sharing. [via Made of Brawn-Stein]

– In America, there’s 13,000 McDonald’s and only 392 White Castles. What’s up with that shiz? The NYTimes investigates. [1nce again via Made of Brawn-Stein]

– Having second thoughts about your cicrumsicion? [via Popbitch]

– Ouch. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Hacking admitted slaying wife. It would also work if his last name was ‘Slaying’: Slaying admitted hacking wife.

– The future was better back then.

– It’s Vinny to Meshawn all over again. What’s next, Rich Kotite getting a job?

– R.E.M.’s Around The Sun lands in a stratosphere near you on Rocktober 5th. And the full schedule for the Kerrypalooza has been posted!

– President Martin Van Buren exposes Resident Bush as a traitor… conspiring with the likes of Cpt Crunch.

– And finalimentement, I love him and so do you. So here’s some more Borat video love. Throw them Jews down the well!!! [via Ultrahottttie]

– Lettuce pack the car kiddies and head west until we hit Clearfield, PA 16830. Why? Cause two whole tomatoes, a half-head of lettuce, 12 slices of American cheese, a full cup of peppers, two entire onions, a river a mayonnaise, ketchup, and mustard, and 6 lbs of beef await us at Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub. I mean, you can’t even buy a black market 9 lb baby for $23.95! Freedom means a lot of things to a lot of peoples, but to me, it means burgers as big as Rosie O’Donnell’s left a$$ cheek!! [Bless you Wanamaker for this k-knowledge]

– To broke to get HBO? Today be yer lucky day as we bring, Ali G’s cohort, Borat to your computer monitor. [Link via London News Review]

– Subservient Chicken. And now, Subservient President. I’ll pay someone 6 dollars if they build me a Subservient Lohan. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– StereoTrident unravels: Kevin Ferderline, The Early Years.

– In honor of the Orimpics, just a few gyros away, we give you the worstest javelinerster evers. All apolygeez if you’ve seen it before. And this is what it sounds like if Webster was Asian and sang like a dying cat [Vids via Flea]

– Batman Begins begins. At least Joel Suckmaker isn’t directing.

– Nintendo’s Mario explained! The Super Mario Bros. Super Show starring Cpt Lou Albano not explained!

– She wore a JonRamseyBenet, the kind you find in a second hand store. Oh, by the way, her daddy is in a close race for a state House seat in Michigan.

– The Brown Billboard. [Link via Socialightbrite]

– Dave Chappelle is rich bitch. Fity mil rich.

– I’ll give someone a back rub if they send me to Hawaii this Thanksgiving to see The Maui Invitational. Tickets go on sale August 17.

– R.E.M., Springsteen, Dixie Chicks, the OG JT, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt, Jimmy Buffett, John Mellencamp, and Dave Matthews Band are all Kerryworshipers and are hittin’ the road in his name.

– Final-lee, THIS IS QUITE UMCREDIBLE. [Link love wants again from Zach de la Roachclip]

The Village Idiocy

If the Quakers ever made a movie about the Amish it would resemble something 1/3 as boring as F Murray Shyamalan’s The Village. This ‘movie’ hinges on 1 and 1/2 twists that are revealed 1 and 1/2 hours too late. I kept turning to my mother in the theater and asking when something was going to happen. And nothing ever did. Except that Michael Pitt somehow got another paycheck which is so mindgoogling that I’m sure Sir Larry Olivier, Orson Welles, and John C Reilly are all spinning in their graves. And wow, those monsters of the woods (who not hath names that shall beith uttered only on Wednesdays in our fair community away from the townseses who how why that shall not be neareth the color red for it is forsaken in the elder’s words of harvest and hoeing) were really damn scary… for those of you who thinkith that Count Chocula is scary. Hey F Murray Shyamalan, why not take a stab at another film genre besides F Murray Shyamalan brainfudge ‘thrillers’. Give it a rest you one-trick-phony F Murray Shyamalan!! You may have stroke gold with Haley Joel Omelette, but yer storytelling has gone downhill faster than Pirmin Zurbriggen. Your scripts read like a dead-end trail in a Choose Your Own Adventure book. At least yer cameo this time around wasn’t as horribleristic as your Signs one. Maybe you can star in the sequel to Harold’s Wild White Castle Adventure called, Dude, Where’s My Kumar? Slit me eyes out bad? Yep, if only I could keep them open. On the bright side of thangs, the sets and costumes were top notch! And hey, thanks F Murray Omelette Shyamalandingdong for making me utter these words after viewing yer movie: “Me’d like to bone Ron Howard’s daughter!”

Post script – please read Ebert’s review.

The Dreamers – Dream On Like Brian Benbenben

When you can’t cast Leo, get Pitt, and when Brad’s not available, get Michael Pitt. Who’s Michael Pitt’s agent? The dude most be as brillyant as Archimedes in order to get the Pittster work. His acting is about as wooden as John Wooden’s last name “Wooden”. Michael Pitt single handedly ruined a movie where an uber fly nekkid French chick, Eva Green, flaunts her fun bags and poonanny for most of her screen time. And why were people so up in arms about the NC-17 rating the ‘film’ was slapped with? Have you ever seen a movie where Michael Pitt busters a woman’s hymen, and then rubs the blood juice all over her? I not only wanted to slit my eyes out after that moment, but wanted to cut off my knob and build a fortress made of hymens to protect me from more Michael Pitt movies. Lord knows how you landed the role of Tommy Gnosis. Even Hedwig would cut off the rest of his/her’s angry inch.

Greendale – Low Adventures In Low-Fi

It’s The Who’s Tommy meets The Blair Witch Project minus the 300 dollar budget. A must see for anyone suffering from insomnia or wants to see a movie almost as boring as F Murray Omelette Shyamalandingdong’s latest. Just buy the CD and make up your own story in yer head. And please, “Be The Rain”.

The Human Stain – In My Undies

Who knew that Philip Roth could make a rich man’s version of C Thomas Howell’s Soul Man meets The Jerk? Bi thy weigh, can you bee leave that Soul Man also starred Arye Gross, Rae Dawn Chong, Leslie Nielsen, James Earl Jones, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Ron Reagan Jr, AND ALF’s crack smoking foster dad Max Wright!! The 80’s when everything was possible and ALF’s foster dad didn’t have gay orgy crackfests!!

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen – Confessions of a Thigh Master Forced To Watch A Wretched Lohan Flick For The 2nd Time

Don’t get me wrong folks, this Lohan-Disney-cheese-a-thon is great spanking material, but it’s probably one of the wurstestest movies I have seen all year. Not even a collaboration between C Thomas Howell, F Murray Abraham, and M Night Shyamalan could be this awfulistically. If only Her Royal Thighness outputted a few more stinkers like these instead of hitting it big like her rack, she’d be in Playboy 7 times over by now.

– After a weekend of munching down on an abundance of chocolate covered frozen bananas covered in nuts and watching hours upon hours of Kerry’s love-a-thon, aka Boston’s RUN-DNC, I’ve re-cuffed my hands to this keyboard and am reporting for duty. I hadn’t watched that much politicical TV since they had the Power Playaz week of Jeopardy! First of all, Mo Rocca’s guest anal-list gig on CNN was a stroke of the penis. I mean genius. Secondly, I want to be Tucker Carlson’s partner in a game of Trivial Pursuit. Thirdly, convention producer and balloon hater, Don Mischer is the new Lenny Bruce. [Link via StereoChiclets]. And lastly, after the whole convention was over, I made up my voting mind. I’m going to vote for any party that takes a very special pit-stop, on their road to victory, to celebrate an annual wedding anniversary dinner at Wendy’s. And by the looks of it, Elizabeth Edwards attacks the 99 cent menu, with her Hobbit appetite, for every meal of the day. Click me for more hot and lurid Democratic burger photos.

– And Gawd bless the Democratic Party and their bootynutritiouslicious single women. Oddly enuff, I found this link thru a Pakistani news service.

– I demand that you watch Da Ali G Show. There not be any show that not be butter than this one. Period! Exclamation point. Each episode this season has been more classic than Coke. Last week’s Borat intervieweeee, ex-congressional candidate James Broadwater, declared that when Jews die they would go to hell. Now Broadwater is “angry and embarrassed” about the whole thing and has filed a complaint with the FCC and the local sheriff’s office. And if you haven’t already done so, or lost the link, or are lost in La Mancha’s land of the lost of the land of the lost city of lost children, watch Ali G’s Harvard commencement speech (skip to 01:27:34). Beats anything I heard coming out of Boston last week.

– The Toronto Star‘s ‘buzz’ section reads like a 3rd grade version of Uncle Grambo’s brillyant ramblings. Effin tourists.

– Martine McCutcheon (the chick that gave me and Hugh Grant 17 boners each in Love Hactually) is set to star as Monica Lewinski in a FOX TV-movie. The only way this can get any better is if they offer me the role of Bill Clinton. I’d be McTouching Ms McCutcheon and be holding a McLuncheon on her body.

– WWII may be a thing of the pasture, but the Rome-Tokyo Axis is still alive with the sounds of odd commercials. [Link via Seltzer with an ‘H’]

– I wish bacon was a fossil fuel. [Link via Time Werespanko]

– My girl CityRag Doll’s site is blowing up faster than tin foil in a microwave. I wear a bib when reading her delicious columns and so should you.

– William Shatner’s cover of Pulp’s “Common People” borders on umazing and borders on Barnes & Noble. [Link via Popbitch]

– The Lebowski Fest NY is juss around the corner and its not just about bowling and getting sheet-faced anymore. Join Jeff Dowd, the real ‘Dude’, as he delivers a giant “gift basket” to the upcoming Republican Convention at MSG. The basket will contain truth serum, a pair of glasses to help them with vision, a copy of the Constitution, and a bowling ball. The Dude is inviting any friends who want to join him to make this delivery on Friday, August 13th before heading to the night’s activities. Camera crews will be filming for his documentary, The Dude: The Real Lebowski. If you are interested in joining him click here. He’s come a long way since his work with the Seattle Seven.

– And frynally, just wanted to give a big ole thanks to Navi for keeping the Thighs Wide open for bidness whilst I was away. Also a big shalom (in this case, peace & goodbye) to former NYers Beowulffie & B Zakades. You will be missed, but I will visit you… but only for the quality eats in yer new hiz-areas.

Kids, I’m off to the rainbow and family friendly confines of Rehoboth Beach, Delawhere (yes, it is a state) for a lil R & R, A & P, AT & T. Good thing I’m going with my family and not my gay lover Elijah Wood. Whilst I is away, some very special guests will be posting crap on this site. In the meantime, I’ve posted a few jounks below to tide you over. See you all on the phillipside!

– Our girl CityRag Doll is making us foam at the mouth just reading about her LES Food Tour.

– Shady Friendster pictures eggsplained!! [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Win a Hanson concert at yer MASH (Mansion Apartment Shack or House)!

– There is nothing ‘hip’ about these undies.

– Duff plays the hits, but shows no tits. You call that a concert? Lettuce just wait to Her Royal Thighness, the Lohan, goes on tour.

– I don’t care if the peaches are flat or not, but they butter be shaved and not smell like tuna juice.

– And I’ll be size XXXXXL after my weak end of gorging on za, taffy, fries, and more za, but I’ll never ever join a gang of XXL women shoplifters. Piece the fudge out peoples. Be fruitful and multiply!!