Thighs Wide Shut

– A thousand boo-urns and one giant Boo Williams go out to Kevin Smith’s Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks. What happened Kevie? Can’t think of another schmaltzy Ben Affleck piece of crap to force on all of us? And what’s up after this, Mallrats 2: Electric Boogaloo? Or that ill-fated Fletch movie you want to helm? Call it a day Kevin, will ya? Go back to yer lil comic book store and beat off to Aquaman already. Here’s a pre-peace the fork out to yer ‘career’!!

– Want to catch a glimpse of the Lohan & Herbie? Then get yer a$$ to the NASCAR Nextel Cup Pop Secret 500 this weekend at the California Speedway, where they’ll be filming. And if yer lucky, maybe you’ll see Breckin Meyer!!

– Man may have landed on the moon on July 20, 1969, but something more important occurred on September 2 of the same year: The internet was born!!! I mean, yeah, going to the moon is cool and all, but do they have free porn there?

– Talking toilets have been installed at a cultural center in Amsterdam. If yer on the shitter for too long, say 50 minutes, the throne will say, “Do you know that during this 50 minutes you’ve spent in the toilet, 50 people have died in wars all over the world?” These would not be the ideal toilets if you were shrooming yer balls off in the Dam.

– The soundboard we’ve all been waiting for: Borat’s. [via Wanamaker]

– A Chinese chimp has picked up the nasty habits of spitting and smoking because she’s sexual frustrated. I guess chewing ice is not a big thing in China.

– This weak’s sign that the world has no taste: Garfield the movie mcnabbed $64 Million at the foreign box office.

– Matt Damon’s uncle became the oldest geezer to swim the English Channel. How do you like dem apples?

– Man Sentenced For Watching Porn In Car. I guess he was caught white-handed.

– Garbage art mistaken for real garbage.

– Remember those AT&T “You Will” commercials? They promised all sorts of crazy things like being able to renew yer drivers license at an ATM, and getting hand jobs on Saturn. Well, we all now that shiz aint happening, but what about flying cars? Looks like we’ll be waiting for decades.

– How come nobody told me that one of me mostest favorite Hitchcock flickzies, Strangers on a Train, is being re-released in a special 2-disc DVD set next week? And please, don’t judge this book by its retched new cover.

– And we all love Elvira’s bizoobies, right? Well, now you can see them in all their glory, plus her bushy von poo-nanny, and much more here (mos def NSFW)! [via Anon Amos, the Dirt Bag]

– Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano is alive! And apparently he’s not Marilyn Manson, but a big time lawyer! Good thing he didn’t pin his hopes on becoming the next Sir Laurence Olivier. [via Navi]

– Andre Rison is alive! And apparently going to play football in Canada. Maybe Left-Eye Lopez will come back from the dead and burn down his new house. The only comebacks I’m dying to see are from Ickey Woods and the great Wayne Fonts.

– Sweden’s King Carl XVI Gustaf is alive! Apparently he had been assassinated, but I guess not.

– Borat/Sacha Baron Cohen keeps getting in more and more hot water. He can now add the British version of the FCC and the U.K.’s Jewish Board of Deputies to the growing list of organizations jumping down his thiz-oat for the “Throw The Jew Down The Well” ditty (click and watch if u haven’t already done so 464663246 times). And according to this very heducationalist article, Sacha has been labeled ‘the new Al Jolson’, is a devout Jew who keeps kosher, has lived on a kibbutz, and at Cambridge University, did a history dissertation entitled: The Black-Jewish Alliance – A Case of Mistaken Identity. Easy-now rude boys!

– Swoon, the bestest gay/black & white movie about Leopold and Loeb, is finally being released on DVD tomorrow.

– Van Halen sues the Baltimore Orioles. What a great PR move, since this is the only way that either group can garner any media attention these days.

– Regis Philbin set the record for most time in front of a camera at 15,188 hours. That’s 15,187 hours too many if you ask me.

– Toggle, the most useless search engine in the world.

– Whatever you do, don’t send Andy Rooney a gift.

– To hell with Spongebob, cause only the koolest kids will be dressed in pimp costumes this Halloween. [via YouCuntMakeShizUp]

– If you are one those bastards who stole Edvard ‘Butt’ Munch’s ‘The Scream’ and happen to be reading this, step away from the computer, return that masterpeace immediately, and come to America so I can beat the crap out of you with a piece of Norwegian wood.

– t.A.T.u. are not only NOT lesbians, but there’s also the hottest name to give to baby African hunting dogs.

– Butt Paste. It’s not what you think… or maybe it is.

– Napoleon Dynamite won’t ever quit. Since June, it’s raked in a sirprizing $15.9 million, despite nevers evers cracking the top ten! Fox Searchlight is expanding its release to 1,500 theaters nationwide and there’s even talk about a sequel! Some say the success of the film is linked to the studio’s ‘canny marketing campaign’, but we all know its cause yers truly was the star of the commercial. [via Thigh Master’s Mumsy]

– The Bowery Ballroom’s website gets a well needed makeover.

– Modest Mouse, The Killahs, and The Walkmen are all set to appear on the upcoming season of The O.C. (not pronounced The Ock). Speaking of The Ock, Mischa Barton is going to donate her vagina to the Thigh Master in hopes of producing his daughter.

– Disney World said peace the fork out to the broke-a$$ 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride years ago, but this guy refuses to let the memories die. Someone, please buy one of his t-shirts and make his day.

– Coming soon to a Mount Vernon near you: Reconstructing George Washington.

– Julia Roberts to take some time off from movie making. Please honey, take as long as you want and don’t ever come back.

– What’s a worserer idea than buying The Scorpions’ CD box set? Living in a glass box with 6,000 scorpions at a shopping mall in Kuala Lumpur for over a month.

– A finally, the awfulestest word on the street is that George Lucas may be down to make 3 more Star Wars sequels, which will pick-up where Return of the Jedi left off. George, you have 7 zillion trillion dollars, why do you want to continue shitting on my childhood? At least Mark Hamill now has a reason to continue living. And if he’s not available, maybe he can lure Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano out of acting retirement. [via Trent Lotz]

– White Stripes to split? According to Jackie’s nephew/WS roadie/historian, Ben Blackwell, the duo wants to end on a high note and so Jack can roll like Han, solo. Sayeth it aint so!! Well, for Meg’s sake, I hope her ‘acting’ career takes off. Her latest role is portraying Little Red Riding Hood in The Detroit Cobras new video for their single “Cha Cha Twist”. View it in High or Low bandwidth here [via WhiteStripes.net].

– Kevin and Wayne Arnold are reuniting. Now don’t get yer panties all in a bunch Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano, cause yer not invited to this sha-bang. Screen brothers, Fred Savage and Jason Hervey, will be paired once again, but this time to voice the characters of Hawk & Dove for Cartoon Network’s Justice League Unlimited. I’m so eggcited for J Hervs that I’m jizzum jazzing all over myself. The dude had so much promise. Remember when he played a young Thorton Melon in Back To School, or the bratty acting kid with Pee-Wee’s bike in his Big Adventure, or when he bullied the kids in The Monster Squad? To hell with Michael J Fox, the 80’s belonged to J Hervs. [scoop via Pak-Man]

– Le Tigre juss announced a fall tour of North America. They hit Irving Plaza on October 31 & November 1st. Their shows are like their music, umcredible, loud, and outta control. Not to be missed peeps.

– MTV has truly jumped the shark with their Lizzie Grubman reality series called PoweR Girls. Look for it, or for that matter, don’t look for it, in 2005.

– It’s no Brady Bunch teeter-totter record, but two Michigan teenagers claim they broke the world record for uninterrupted TV viewing at 52 straight hours, inside an IHOP of all places. I wonder what the record for non-stop blogging is?

– Everyone loves to watch people get hurt. Peep Glenn Danzig get punched-the-fudge out and these biznitches beat the livin daylights out of each other like Timothy Dalton. For more info on these links, czech out my gal CityRagDoll’s stizzle.

– Borat’s “In My Country There Is Problem (aka Throw The Jew Down The Well)” song has really ruffled the feathers of the Anti-Defamation League (ADL). Do they have any clue that the man behind the mustache is none other than Sacha Baron Cohen, a Jew who’s just trying to expose anti-semitism in America, not exploit it? I not only say boo-urns to that, but Jew-urns too! By the way, a true meeting of minds occurs this Sunday when my hero, Ali G, interviews my idol, Andy Rooney!! It doesn’t get much better than this!!!

– Peace the elmer fudge out to Oscar-pimping composer Elmer Bernstein. I’ll be reading the Ten Commandments in yer honor.

– Czech out the video for The Thrills new ditty “Whatever Happened To Corey Haim?”, which happens to be the breastest title since “Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?” And I’m sure this song will pop up on The O.C. sometime this season.

– Still bored? Why not play Frogger, Donkey Kong, Duck Hunt, Pong, Simon, and much more right on yer computer! [via Shake Yer Wanamaker’s Special Lady Friend]

– In a GQ interview, John Kerry admits that he beats off to Charlize Theron, Catherine Zeta-Tomato-Jones-Douglas, and Wayne Gretzky… in not so many words.

– What’s more awfulester than Leonard Part 6? DownSyndromeDolls.com. Click if you dare you evil bastages!!! [via My Man Marvkus]

– And in con-clue-shun… First there was Ill Mitch, who wasn’t really that ill to begin with. And now comes Super Greg, who isn’t really all that super… unless you count his Bertesque uni-brow. I’d like to see a cage match between the two and the winner gets both adjectives in their name. So the champ would be either Super Ill Mitch or Ill Super Greg. [via Guns n Rosenthal]

Let the zzzzeszzzz begin!!!! That’s right folks, the Summer Olympaidad is back, so lets get ready to be bored to death. I mean, how eggciting can the competition be if the Americans pretty much win everything. And who cares if we or anyone else rules in badminton? That’s why the Winter jounks is truly where it’s at. Sure we sweep the snowboarding events, but we’re never really favored in any other event. And where else can u get a boner for things called luge and curling?

I must admit that the Opening Ceremonies were quite impressive. What a pageant these Grecians put on. I mean, I thought the just completed stadium would have collapsed mid-way thru, but alas, it all went off w/out a hitch and it was like watching Disney’s Fantasia and Fantasia 2000 rolled into one. Plus it didn’t hurt that I TiVoed it and didn’t have to sit thru all 4 hours of hand waving and feta cheese tossing.

The roll call of countries took for ages. I mean, how many countries does this planet need? I suggest that we reduce the amount of countries by rolling back the names and territories of the world to match that of a Risk board. Wouldn’t be so much cooolerer if we were facing off against Kamchatka and Irtusk? But it was nice to peep so many fly honeys from the globe. I am going to make it my goal to bang at least one from every country… starting with Equatorial Guinea, Kazakhstan (sirprizingly the men AND women don’t look like Borat), and The United Arab Emirates… wait, they didn’t send any women to the games! And a few notes before departing: 1) me love Bob Costas, but he’s too insulting of other countries to be NBC’s main man at the games. 2) Allen Iverson looked really bored 3) Bjork is the greatest. She wore a dress that was so huge-mong-us, it covered ALL the athletes in the center of the stadium. If yer reading this Bjork, let me be yer Matthew Barney.

– Popbitch reports that Ivan Shapovalov, t.A.T.u. father/child pornographer/Rasputin-like genius hasn’t abandoned his devotion to jailbait just yet. Ivan the Terrible has a new act and they’re called n.A.T.o., which consists of a 16 year old Albanian singer who looks no more than 12. And the schoolgirl outfits have been replaced by, get this, burkhas!! And if this band doesn’t work out for Ivan (Navi spelled forward), he could always recruit some 6-year-old lil Dutch (treat) girls and call them p.o.t.A.T.o.

– Here be two lil gems dug up from Metafilter: one freaky looking cat (complete with soundtrack) and what will probably be the wurstest Christian Slater-Tara Reid-Stephen Dorff movie ever (a trailer that has to bee seen to bee leaved).

– If only we could build a time machine and buy up every single thang in this 1978 Sears Catalog, cause we could make an eBay fortune at the expense of hipsters everywhere.

– Bandwagon Boy reports on Emnight Shalamalamaman and Tom Cruz’s latest.

– This guy sells NYC garbage. Art is officially over. I doo-doo all over yer Dada you dodo!

– Saturn, not just a crappy car anymore.

– A 480-pound woman could not be lifted off a couch and died in the process. If only the gov-mint implemented their new food pyramid ages ago, maybe this woman would havef stopped brushing her teeth with pork chops and lived. [via My Man Marvkus]

– Fellers, if you have “front vowels” in your name, you better be getting laid every six seconds. [via Flea]

– Lazy monkeys go to work. [via Thyme Werespanko]

– Is Fark selling out? [oddly enuff via Blogoverlord Nick Denton’s blog]

– Time to break out the Manishevitz wine and challah like crazy cause Tarts of Pleasure (K+1 and Ultrrrrayummy) are conducting a Shabbos Service not to forget this Friday in Willie-Williamsburg.

– Here’s a lengthy Brit-tush article about everyone’s favorite chameleon, Sacha Baron Cohen aka Ali G, aka Bruno, and of course Borat. But beware, it contains spoilers for upcoming episodes. And does anyone know what’s the f-in story with the Spielberg backed project Dinner For Schmucks, starring the wunderkind himself?

– Speaking of brillyant Brits who make Americans look foolish, where in the world has Louis Theroux gone? Has he been replaced by Justin Theroux?

– And for those of you rocking on Randall’s this Saturday, this is the line-up and set times for Lil Steven’s Garage-A-Thon. Come find me. I’ll be the one wearing sunglasses, with corn in my mouth.