Thighs Wide Shut

It’s disheartening to report this, but I may be the sole blogger in the Northern and/or Southern Hemisphere who reserved space on their site for musings about the series finale of The Rebel Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best. Not only that, but I bet me, Juwanacurred, and Cousin DJ ‘Too Tall’ Jones, were the only people to have (love) actually watched every episode. We had to be! I mean, the show was getting shat upon on in the ratings by Gilmore Girls for cryingoutsows.

And what vexes me more than Joaquin Phoenix saying ‘It vexes me‘ in Gladiator is that no one (love) actually watched every episode. In this epoch of wretched fantasy TV shows, Rebel Zillionaire stood head & shoulders & pert plus above the rest. Sure there weren’t any crazy/beautiful/sexy/cool contestants (cept me would like to take a peep at Jess McCann‘s cans), buttt it’s awesomeness, cleverness, challengingness, and loch and elliott ness made the The Apprentice look as lame and tame as an episode of Shirt Tales. And it also comes right down to the fact that Sir Richard Branson is so much more mad iller yo than Donald Trump.

If you had to choose who to sleep with, it would be even less of a contest than choosing Desperate Haaswives over 24. Anywho, major congrats to zany Mormon Shawn (owner of LoveSac & this woman), who not only mcnabbed a cool mil-dough, but 3 months as co-prez of Virgin ashlong side Sir Perfect Hair, and possib-drew-bly the opps to run one of his dumpier subsidiaries… I’m looking in yer di-erection Virgin Cola. Since their won’t be a season two, may I heavily re-suggest that the Broccoli family tap Sir Richard to play Bond in the next installment. I guarantee more box office buxomness than Aquaman: The Movie.

– Borat Sagdiyev sighted in Salem, VA?

– Sarah Jessica Parker has finally found a project that’s more fitting for her tisgusting ogre face: Shrek 3

– Beckham Lookalikes To Marry. And you thought our news was wiggty wiggty whack.

– Have you ever remixed or covered ‘Army of Me’? Well, Björk wants em all!

– Tesla, yes, that five man acoustical jam band who loathed to read signs, are hitting the road. They shitstop in NYC on March Furst @ Irving Platz.

– Not a good time to be bad in tha ACC.

– GoldenFiddle.com is NOT dead, but juss back in the shop to be re-stringed. Hurry back now great Fiddler, cause me, him, and him, can’t keep up the hotness alone.

– Beware of garbage on 4/11.

– You can’t truss CBS no mo, so wees gotta turn to people who know what they’re talking about, like Norman Chad, aka the Couch Slouch. No one asks the hard hitting questions that hit closer to home than Sir Slouches-a-lot. Take for instance this query he quipped in his splendid article on bowling & America, ‘Bowling is a better life. In fact, given a choice between bowling a 220 game or dating Jennifer Garner, Halle Berry and Lindsay Lohan on consecutive nights, I have six words for you: “What size shoes do you need?‘ Well, since I’m an alum of the Lebowski Fest and already have a 231 under my belt, I’m free to hit the town and dem skins anytime me wants. But the rest of you need to strap on yer wrist braces, pour on the talc, and roll yer balls off. [via the great Joe E Steak Tartare]

– Lindsay Lohan walks thru LA airport in her jammies. Is this what pilots wet dream of? And while we’re questioning things, do androids dream of electric sheep?

Want something a lil LL hottier?

Clit Click

Anywho, on with the other crap!!!

– James Bond to be played by a black man? Now what if Shaft was played by a white guy?

– Much to do about me flavorite band of the year, Los Fiery Furnaces: On January 11th they’ll release EP, a ten-track compilation of U.K. singles (YUM!), they’re also finishing off their next joint, a collaboration with their bubbe (grandmother for yous not in the know) called Garfield El (double YUM!), which may end up on a double-CD release this May with another joint, Speaking Chinese (Yummyyummigans!!!)!! [via Rolling Broke]

– The Pixies just announced their first prim and proper Boston date on their massive world tour: next Thursday, December 9 at the Avalon. I’m sure the home crowd appreciates the short notice. The band hasn’t played BoSoxLand since they opened for U2 in ’92! Tickets go on sale this Saturday at noon on PixiesMusic.com and Ticketbastard.

– K-nowl-ledge thyme: Did Vikings really have horns on their helmets? And twat the fork is a Nittany, a Hoosier, and a Sooner? [last 3 via Ask Yizzle]

– Lisa Simpson wanted to marry a carrot. Well I want to marry The O.C. cause tit be the finestestestest show on the Fox network featuring Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows. If life were truly good, eBay would stop offering lunch with has-beens and start selling a night between a Mischa Barton/Kelly Rowan sangwhich! [via The Gum/The Fid]

– Pick your nose and be proud like these people. [via Z to the mudder stickin de la Roachclip]

– Metal chick seeks metal men who love to party.

– Pee-Mail. Hopefully you won’t be too pissed off…

– Bid on The Sports Almanac and Oh LaLa magazine from Back to the Future Part II or a bust of that fat and short creepy lady from Poltergeist. [via Navi the Blue Devil In A Blue Dress]

– If only this car commercial featuring a Transformerish car were fo real. [via Becker’s Pecker]

– Latkepalooza. [via The Brawny Man]

– I think I have a phobia of men dressed as le nasty women in music videos. It all started in my youths when I first peeped that dude dressed like a chick who placed produce up her skirt from Jane’s Addiction’s ‘Been Caught Stealin’ video. Just thinking about that he-she-man always made me feel sick in a Clockwork Orange type way. And after observing this guy dressed up like a skanky ole scroongamunga from the Hidden Cameras’ video for ‘I Believe In The Good Of Life’, methinks me scarred for life.

– And in closing, this has gots to be the greatestist site dedicated to a bearded man’s eggsperance with cosmetic braces!!! [via Sanguine Fruit Chews]

– The most fair and balanced periodical in the world, The National Enquirer, dubbed Her Royal Thighness HOLLYWOOD’S BIGGEST BRAT (I guess Benjamin Bratt didn’t qualify). We all know she’s a bit too much to handle when she’s on the drink, but did you know she’s really a mean girl with no love for her friends or fans? She told pal Tara Reid, “You’re a has-been! You’re so over it’s not even funny!” Well, that may be an awful thing to say, but it’s not like she’s lying! And Lohanski even alienated other gal pal Mischa Barfon by saying such smack like, “Mischa’s TV and I’m movies. Everyone knows I’m the bigger star.” Ahhhh snap! Word has it from the Nash Enq that LL Cool Bean also “made two kindergarten-age girls cry when they tried to approach her in a restaurant…. telling the waitress to keep them away from her table.” I guess when VH1 does their next Divas special, they know who to call. Yoooooooooowzer!!

– According to the press secretary for the Embassy of Kazakhstan, Borat doesn’t know a thing about his home country. You mean to tell me that women aren’t kept in cages? The national sport isn’t shoot dog? And their isn’t a movie called Dirty Jew? Damn, a day ago, I actually wanted to visit that country. So I guess they don’t have problem with transport neither. [via Ism de Lindsay]

– Did a plane really fly into the Pentagon on 9/11 or was it something else? I never even thought about it until I saw this. Or is that just some conspiracy nonsense. Snopes seems to think so. [via BronxRose]

– On November 2nd, please vote and then have sex. [via MC Kan’t Make It Up]

– Synthetic urine is all the rage these days. So is Kama Sutra in the classroom. [via Made of Brawnstein]

– William Shatner may have just won an Emmy, but he’s still a has been, according to the title of his latest album (give some listenage to his umcredible cover of Pulp’s ‘Common People’ if you haven’t already done so).

– I’ll bet you a zillion billion dollars that Tony Danza’s character on his new show is also named Tony.

– Yuri In Cab. Ali G rip-off or second-rate Ill Mitch? Either way, WTF? [via Shady Acres’ Son]

– I love Travis, but they make some of the lamestist videos. Their new one is no eggception.

– John Waters’ latest, A Dirty Shame, has its own blog. And with Remy Yorkish at the wheel, it’s guaranteed not to be awful, unlike Zach Braff’s blizog.

– Neue Yawkers, click here for a free screening of Alec Baldwin’s latest.

– I never wanted to see Tracey Gold look so sad.