Thighs Wide Shut

[See the real thing!]

• Wendy’s Finger Woman Arrested

• Charles is now in charge of the forthcoming Borat movie. I don’t care if Gus van Sant and Vince Vaughn are attached to this, me juss so dang elated that there gonna be a Borat movie!

• Peabsy Von Peabsllestein, some say the only reason to go to Coachella this year.

• PWNT! [via My Man Marvkus]

• Finally, I have some NSFWness to please the liz-adies AND Trent! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Her Royal Thighness In Training?

• March 9th – One day in and we already have our first spin-off blog, AhRonGuy. Too bad it was one entry and gone for Mr. Ah Ron. But others would follow, like Kid Kadoji, The Thinker, Dropping off a Blog in the Turlet…, and The I-Train

• March 10th – First link to another blogger’s site, Mr Bandwagon Boy’s review of the new Mell Gibbsen movie Jesus Christ the Passions!

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• March 11th – First mention of Elisha Cuthbert (Her Royal Thighness the II) AND my sistah Flea becomes the first person credited for contributing a link. The link was this

• March 12th – ALF becomes the first pic posted in Thigh Wide Herstory. Thanks to Code 7R for letting me steal from their bandwidth for over a year and not saying a word!

• March 14th – Steve Buscemi & John Waters are the subjects for the first ‘Switched at Birth’ thang (which later would become ‘Bitched @ Swirth’)

• March 17th – Steven Weber of Wings fame becomes the first celeb I’ve run into since starting this whole thang.

• March 19th – Spot The Drummer debuts

• March 22nd – Eternal Sunshine & Intermish receive the first full Thighs Wide Review

• March 24th – I reveal my alter ego

• March 30th – Jesus blesses us with our first posted animated gif. No, not that Jesus.

• April 19th – The term ‘‘cock-blogged is introduced into the lexicon for all to use.

• April 30th – Dan Newbower becomes the first guest-blogger on this day.

• May 9th – My site finally overtakes all other booty-arsed urls as the #1 result when searching for ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ on Google.

• May 18th – I become fiending blog whore and start a second site: RidersOfLohan.blogspot.com. That lasted all of 12 seconds. Great name though, if I muss say so myself. I say you can say so! Thanks me. You’re quite welcome me.

• May 26th – We were added to F.U.B.A.R.’s link roll. The influx of hits hasn’t stopped since.

• June 2nd – Like the Jeffersons, I moved on up into Grambo‘s ‘Creme de la Creme’ category of link-a-dinks.

• June 4th – I am informed that I’m not the first blog to utilize the picture of The Kid :(

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• June 11th – Some douche bag buys ThighsWideShut.com before I did :(

• June 15th – Thigh Master meets Napoleon Dynamite

• July 2nd – While America was 2 days away from celebrating our independence from the Brits, we celebrated Lohan’s birth, the death of ThighsWideShut.blogspot.com and the birth of ThighsWideShutDOTOrg. Sure, this is the day I started to pay money TO blog, but I no longer had to steal people’s images/bandwidth.

• July 4th – I bowl a 231!!!

• July 7th – Thigh Master featured in national commercial whoring Napoleon Dynamite. Some might call this ‘un-baaa-leave-able!’

• July 9th – Lohan haunts my dreams

• July 11th – Lindsay Ismims becomes my newest bestest friend!

• July 15th – Lohan is dubbed the first ‘Her Royal Thighness’.

• July 16th – In memory of the founder of Gold’s Gym, the phrase ‘Peace The Fork Out’ is brought into this world for all to use. Up til then, I had been using ‘Peace The Fuck Out’, which is an homage to the Travis song of the same name. Wanna search all the ‘Peace The Fork Out’s? Thought so.

• July 20th – Prince Charles takes his first ride in cab EVER!

• July 25th – The readers of TWS.org vote that I should marry Lohan. Cuthbert wasn’t even on the ballot. Tsk tsk on my cysts.

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• August 8th – My love of corn is revealed

• August 18th – Our Thighs Spies scoop about Lohan’s lohandlers on the set of Herbie not only got some Defamer love, but also made the ‘buzz’ section of one of the most ghetto free newspapers in the world, The AM-NY… although not credited directly.

• August 22nd – I decide one and for all, The Thigh Master needs an heir

• September 1st – Ms Washingtonienne’s Playboy pics are unleashed. I consider chopping off my penis.

• September 12th – Sister Thigh Master engaged, FINALLY!!

• September 28th – Thigh Master meets Ultra and the Raveonettes

• September 29th – Baseball returns to DC

• October 5th – The last Thighs Wide Shut poll’s results

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• October 20th – Lohan’s long reign as Her Royal Thighness is over, as we welcomed our second Queen, Elisha Cuthbert. What can I say, my new sweetheart loves a man who loves corn. On this day I also received the best news in my first year as a Master of Thighs: Graham Coxon to re-join Blur!!

• November 3rd – Kerry gives up and I get all political… FOR ONCE!

• November 5th – Tara Reid’s gives us the nip slip. Yuuuuuuuuuurcsdcvjcvk!!

• November 7th – I celebrate myself and others born on this day.

• November 19th – Cuthbert dyes her hair and ALMOST gets booted from the Kingdom of Thighland

• November 22nd – Ron Artest goes ape shit & I hand in my bestest worstest Photoshopping to date. I also lie to everyone at work, go to the secret U2 show & insta-blog what’s going on to Stereogum.

• November 30th – Cuthy turns 22 and I wax poetic

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• December 1st – Ken Jennings LOSES!

• December 2nd – I request an intern. Only two people apply, but I never reply to them. I feel bad. But I think I do need an intern to search for crap on my behalf. Any takes out there? Email me.

• December 7th – Toughest day of my life

• December 12th – I become the first person to launch the search for Team Zissou Adidas shoes. Too bad they never made any, so people were forced to DIY it and some sold them for recockulous prices on eBay… which apparently no longer allows anyone to sell them.

• January 5th, 2005 – Superficial’s snaps of Jessica Alba in a white bikini officially end any chances that I may turn gay. And this proves that Jeff Gaycia is not gay-cia. But before you’re gay, you see The Hole.

• January 14th – My idol, Andy Rooney turns 86

• January 18th – Mischa Barton sheds the Falkor look and out-hots Her Royal Thighness the II at the Golden Globes. Barf-on becomes Her Royal Thighness the III for a day! Then went back to looking like Falkor.

• January 19th – Jamie Lynn Spears mania hits an all time high in the House of Thighs

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• February 2nd – I fall asleep at a concert for the first time and the future of TV is possibly saved!

• February 11th – Call it ‘Writer’s Blogck’ cause how else do you eggsplain how I could not come up with a title for a posting?

• February 16th – ‘Super-Giraffe’ movie idea is born

• March 8th – Thighs Wide turns 1!!! Duhvs!

Bitched @ Swirth

• Exxon & … • Rob Dibble & … • Cosby & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt I • Kim Clijsters & … AND Passanger 57 & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt II • Jenna Bush & … • Me & … • Kim Fowley, Ed Begley Jr. & … • John Kerry & EVERYONE • Lee Iacocca & … • I Heart Huckabees & … • Kuato from Total Recall & … • Carlos D & … • Not one of mine, but way worthy: Arafat &… • I was kinda proud of this one: The Bitched @ Swirth Trio Combo • This is probably 2nd finestest evs, and almost to true to be funny: Mischa Barton &… • Darrell Hammond & … • Napoleon Dynamite & … • The Kid & …

• Wyatt/Ilan Mitchell-Smith

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• Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano

• Chloe Sullivan/Allison ‘The’ Mack

• Biff Tanner/Tom Wilson

• Urkel/Jaleel White

• Wayne Arnold/Jason Hervey

• NOT Shia LaBeouf Cake

• D.A.R.Y.L./Barret Oliver

Fame Is A Bitch

• Still One of the Most Uncomfortable Pictures Ever

• Rich Kotite

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• Cut It Out.net

• John Kerry Is A Douche Bag But Im Voting For Him Anyway.com

• Draft Ditka

• Book Corky for your next event or The Fridge!

• Doing a Lynndie

• Scotty/James Doohan 4 EVA!

• Carl Lewis’ music video

• Hillary, Laura, and me

• ‘I hear there’s rumors on the internets‘

• Ulrich Haarbürste writes stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film

• Andrew Llllloyd Groper

• JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com

• The Many moods of Mischa Barton

Spank The Lord I Aint Any of These People

• The Tron Costume Guy w/the male camel toe!

• The Man of LaMustache

• The woman who stomped grapes

• Man selling swords on TV hurts himself

• Brutally Honest Personals

• World’s greatest mugshot?

• If I fall, will you catch me?

• Review of Dr. Ted Rothstein’s cosmetic braces

• BikerFox

• Angry Black Man: The Video

• The strange story of Lewis V Sills (we’re still the #1 search for it)

• What is this guy doing?

• The mos uncomfortable news report you may ever peep. You were warned. If you need to feel better, maybe you need to peep these news reports.

• Ouchers

• The Day After Party

• The Numa Numa kid

Listen Up

• Gunther Branlutte hands in one of the year’s best songs, ‘You Touch My Tralala’, videos [NSFW], and games [NSFW] that no one even remembers.

• 10 worst album covers of all time

• The Jim Mora Rants

• Coldplay hands in ‘Nappies‘

• The Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ remixes revisted

• I hope David Bowie never sees this

• CookiePuss speaks!

• ’99 Luft Problems’

• Thighs Wide Music of ’04

Cinemasters

• The faux Hobbit trailer

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• The faux Episode III trailer & Being teased by Ep III‘s teaser

• The breastest movie songs of all thyme

• Ebert & Roeper memorable review of White Chicks, audio style

• The Next Citizen Kane

• The only Mulholland Dr website you’ll ever need

• The Wet Dream Team

• No budget filmmaking at its mos awfulistical

• Why rent The Girl Next Door, when you can watch the best part here.

• Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project

• Thighs Wide Movies of ’04

Shall We Play A Game?

• The Subservient Chicken

• Let Them Sing It For You

• Touch this guy’s face

• Chicken Pong

• Kids ‘N Play

• Punch Bush in the face

• ROCK OUT!

• Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game

ProductShopTWS

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• Fake Dr Pepper

• Butt Paste

• Yarmulkebra

• Custom M&Ms!

• Nothing quite sez Chappy Channukah like this

• Torture your child

• For once, being a red state is a good thing

• Cat Butt Gum

• ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtray

• Steve Perry as Robocop

The Information Super Thighway

• Bar Mitzvah Disco

• 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

• Words I hate and words I love

• Build your own KITT car

• 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records

• Boong Ga Boong Ga

• Cellie-Bratin’ The Subway’s Cent-Tennyul

• Learn how to give a mouse an enema

• Search & Destro

• My best ‘Peace The Fork Out’ piece. The best one I didn’t do.

Information-less Super Thighway

• Ping pong madness

• Volume on and get ready for a sirprize

• Duct Tape Prom Fashions

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• Ali G’s Ghettosburg Address @ Harvard’s Graduation (FFwd to 01:27:34, unless you want to be bored for 90 minutes)

• Foriegn fingers

• Nuclear Bob’s Shirt of the Day

• POLAPOLAPOLAP

• Wurstest re-offender dot.evs

• Borat sings ‘Throw The Jew Down The Well’ and the world will never be the same

• Two girls beat the fork outta each other

• 2004 Asian Mustache Olympics

• Khaaaaaaaaaan!

• Whatevs.blogspot.com

• Hipster Jenga

• Why The World Hates American Tourists

• EaglesHaveNeverWonTheSuperBowl.com

• The Karate Chimp

• The Rubik’s Cube Kid

• Saved By The Be(ll)st

• Sausages: The Video

The Not Safe For Work
(NSFW) Collection

• A pic of Lil Kim’s Ill Na Na between her thighs.

• Why is this black man sucking of Courtney Love’s breast in public again?

• This one will make u lose yer lunch

• Rate My Camel Toe

• Cumshots, the band, and their stage show

• Ludivine Sagnier Nekkid

• Elvira nekkid

• Flash Mountain

• Watch the kid in the background

• Is this yer granny or yer gran-pa-pa?

• Natalie Portman was so darn good in Closer, and by good, I mean pole dancing up a storm!

• Tonya from Real World/Road Rules Playboys pics

• Japanese Anime dolls that poop

• Really milky titttties

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Porn

YOU, yes you, did a stooopendus job clicking dear readers. I ask of you only this one thing: Name me your favorite headlines from the past year (i.e. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Behrooz). Or ignore what I juss said and marvel at this collage of some of the best beards and ‘staches…

– I’m happy to report that it looks like things are getting back to normal in Thailand… like teaching their elephants to paint, dance, play musical instruments, and of course, take dumps like you and mies van der Rohe. What’s left to teach them? The courtesy flush? [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Guess where I’ll be May 22nd? At GW’s graduation to hear commencement speaker Andy Rooney. Great idea Colonials. He’ll really inspire them kids to do great things, like hate paper clips and they way people drive.

– Guess where I won’t be ever? Lil Kim’s clam bake. Microwaved tunafish nastinessness!!! [totally NSFWness via Pink Parts]

– Move over BK, cause this woman’s vagina is the real home of the whopper.

– Happy belated b-day to Mumsy ThighMaster (don’t worry, I called her yesterday). And a merry 35th b-day to Skeet Ulrich. The coolest thing about u is when Chris Rock introduced Johnny Depp as ‘a richman’s Skeet Ulrich‘.

– In the Gawd Help Us All department… David Brent signs on for Mission Impossible III, there’s gonna be a Spaceballs: The Cartoon, and a pastability of Taxi Driver II!?!?! Yuckerkarkq^iab#h$yikes!! Lettuce all pray they aint thinking about making Taxi II. [2nd link via Brad Foreskin and 3rd via The Fid Diddler]

– I love that I’m huge in Norway and StereoScizzle is bigger there than Jesus AND IMDB!!

– Is Kaylee DeFer the new Jessica Alba? I dunno, maybe we’ll need a rear view like this before making such a call.

– Todd Phillips apparently left the Borat movie because he’s a patriotic pu$$y.

– Chewbacca and Princess Leia, like you’ve never seen them before.

– Few things beat the whole burning sensation one’s testes acquire after teabagging Bilbo Baggins with some eggnog raggin flaggins. Is it safe to say that Peabs is our generation’s ee cummingsonmyface? Bozzle!

– Ooops, I did it again. But this time it was my stalking of the other Spears, J-L stizz, that put me behind bars. Damn you Trent and all your fingers that be firmly on the pulse.

– Finally, Mischa who?

If you go around looking like this again my dear Thighness, I may have to expel you from Thighland for good!! It almost happened when you dyed yer hair, but I cut you some slack cause you have one sweet rack & rear view. So I beg of you, don’t force me to fly Falkor so I’s can gets my Mischa Bart-ON!!!

Mucho a grassy-a$$es to Golden DisSpencer for dispensing this pic in my general direction. Also, thanks to Mr For Hire for pointing me/us to the perky Teri Polo Playboy snaps and to the fact that there’s gonna be a Borat movie AND hack director Todd Phillips is out of the picture… literally! And for an added bonus, here’s the finestestest pic [via The Drunk Step Pa] of Her FUTURE Royal Thighness the III from the GGs. Is there anyone more perrrfect than her besides my mumsy? I juss wanna give lil kisses to every lil freckle on her lil nose (Barton’s, not my mum’s)!

– And I’m sorry I be hating on you so much these dayz Stevey, but that doesn’t mean the powers that be should get rid of 60 Minutes II altogether! Instead why don’t they 86 one of the 14 CSIs? [via The Bistro]

– Prince Harry could have done worse… like eating a watermelon the way del fuehrer loved to.

– Clips of the new Fantastic Four flick lead me to believe that it won’t turn out to be the debacle that Roger Corman’s was. But making Jessica Alba an invisible woman could be the wurst call since Olestra. [via the Double V-miesters]

– You can judge how narly and rad a President is by the musicians they snag for their inauguration. And by the looks of Bush’s line-up (Hilary Duff, Gloria Estefan, Ruben Studdard, and 3 Doors Down), you could say that’s he’s almost more hip than Donald Dumpsfeld. On the other hand, back in the weigh day, Clinton cemented his wickedness when he kicked it with Natalie Merchant, Fleetwood THE MAC, and the one day only supergroup known as Automatic Baby, which consisted of Michael Stipe, Mike Mills, Larry Mullen, and Adam Clayton! Click this link to find an mp3 of their performance of U2’s ‘One’. Franzforkingtastic! If I was prez, I’d have The Fiery Furnaces, Air, White Stripes, and Ali G/Borat all perform in my honor. I’d also probably convince my first lady, Cuthbert the Hot, to pole dance for my supporters.

– Don’t trust every single Coachella rumor you hear or read, but feel free to be entertained by them. For eggzample, on the message board, some smorkbag claimed he heard from a friend at Capital (sic) Records that the likes of Korn, Limp Bizkit, and many other unlistenable bands were a go. And to which, someone retorted, ‘my friend at Mc donalds says the hamburgler is goin to headline night 1.’ Does anyone else find this humorwristic or do I need to get out more?

– Southwest Airlines to start flying out of real airports like LaGuardia and DC’s Reagan National… sorta.

– If someone out there is looking to start a blog and has no idea what to blog about, may I peas implore of you and bribe you with Girl Scout Cookies to make one dedicated to the finest sports and talk show on TV: Pardon The Interruption. This guy attempted to do so, but dropped the ball in ’02. Either way, how is it possible that PTI ever jumped the shark?

– What’s “continental” about a continental breakfast?

– Clicky here if yer dying to convert a specific dollar amount from the past to its present value, for any year after 1789. [via Cecil McKnowledge]

– Bryan Berg stacks cards for a living.

– I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney. That’s no headline, but Ben crApffleck’s directorial debut!?!?! [via CopyCatism]

– If you vote for Mike Birbiglia, I may get free sausages.

– Dizzee Rascal spackled my tackle box with Samantha Fox! Flazzum! Basically anytime Peabs posts, I’ll mos likely link to it. I mean, is there anyone more brilliant and beautiful than he is? Wait a sec, I think I may have just found the heir apparent to Andy Rooney!

– Mr Little Penis Gives Up. [SFW, not this SFW mind you!]

– And now it’s time for you all, my dear readers, to help decide the fate of the ‘Spot the Drummer’ thing you see here every Friday. Do any of you ever click on the pic (below) and play the game or should I just get rid of the whole damn thing so we can move on with our lives?