Thighs Wide Shut

• Elliot Smith – North Six – 6/6/03 [Forever Youth]

• The Cars Strokes to fly south for the winter fall. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

• Former Congressman and greasemonkey, Ben ‘Cooter‘ Jones is the new RottenTomaotes.com. Here’s his rotten take on the new Dukes flick, ‘the movie is a sleazy insult… and is like taking ‘I Love Lucy’ and making her a crackhead or something.’ [via The REAL Jonah]

• CollegeHumor.com mcnabbs a deal with Paramount to make movies with… college humor. So when is Dreamworks SKG hittin me up to filmology my autobiography, Lord of the Thighs (with music mash-up by Aerosmith/Breeders). But moist importantly, when is a movie going to be developed about Good Humor ice cream trucks? [via Dirk Fiddler]

• I don’t think the Pope smokes dope, or was ever a kid.

• Love Jews AND drawings? Then may I recommend Wild Things: The Art of Maurice Sendak at the Jewish Museum. Juss remember, they closed Saturdays because they hate Christians and need time to prepare goy children for sacrifices.

• I heart Poop

• Footballers Wive$ has a chance of being decent spankable.

• The greatest website that never was: Zealott.com [Disclaimer: that is my friend’s failed venture from halcyon years of the internets and yet it still lives with ZERO CONTENT!!!]

• Hi Res Eva Mendes or Nikki Cox, Erwin M Fletcher you choose!!

• Father finds Mariah Carey’s lame-o nip slip, but which one of yous out there was trying to find ‘‘mandy moore nipple slit‘?

• And I ask you dear reader (or searcher of ‘nip slits’), what’s the one thing you be sick to meth of me shoving down yer jazzhole day after day upon day? Praising anything Damon Albarn does? Pointing out Vince Vaughn’s lack or hair/talent? Talkin bout how I ate microwaved tunafish sandwiches off your girlfriend’s chest? Well, nows be yer chance to give that hot topic that makes your blood boil and mohel bleed a nice 2 week vacation. Dat’s right folks, juss shemail me your Thighs Wide Hate, with a brief explanation as to why/thigh, and whichever person/place/or bling gets the most love (hate) they will be excommunicated from this dot org for a fortnight!!! Lettuce pretend that Lohag is chosen as the taboo subject, then even if she invents hoverboards, bangs Sandra Day O’Connor, and re-records Ween’s Pure Guava, NONE of it will get a mention… for two whole wheat weeks!! The only eggceptions to the rule are yours drooly, cause I know you love it when I talk about my grundle, and Her Royal Thighness the III (or Masha, as her fam and friens call her), who can only be exiled by me, the Henry the VIII of the ’05.

• So what does Lohag The Wurstest The I do as a follow-up act after getting dumped on her no-longer frumpy fanny by the King of Kings, me? Oh, you know, take her daily skankbot meds, gets into talks about bastardizing Swiss Family Robinson and even lets Robbie Altman, aka the Crypt Keeper, grope the back of her thigh!! Well you can keep her Cpt Boring of 2 and 1/2 Hour Movies cause I’m more over her than I am of Jay Mohr doing Roger Moore impersonations!!! And I have more important things to do these days then berate and hate on her, like taking off my borscht belt, whipping out my balalaika, and having Maria Sherry-povich keep my comrade warm. Damn son, I really don’t know how lucky I is, cause I’m back to my roots, I’m back in the USSR. Btw, me and the new Mrs are thinking of reviving Rasputin from the dead so Dakota has someone to play with!

• Happy 40th belated B-day to the Slurpee, and congrats to the city of Winnipeg for being devoid of everything, cept holding the distinguished honor of Slurpee Capital of the World!! But ENUFFFFF with all this 7-11 talk comin from my finger banging tips!! Nows I wanna give some qwik, yet much needed, props de leon to the far superior frozen (non-alcoholic) beverages that constantly filled my young pie-hole: the Slush Puppie and the Icee. NOT EVEN A CONTEST SLEVEN!!! But I guess the BMOFD (Big Man of Frozen Drinks) had the last laff as the places I had to go to get said drinks, High’s for my SPs and Woolworth’s for Is, are either nearly extinct or have peaced the fork out. Howeski, our story has a some what happy ending. During a college break, I worked at a country club’s snack bar and Lohan and behold, they had a Slush Puppie machine. It was probably the best summer romance I’ve ever had. I mean, we got friendly down in the sand!! So why not d-lode ‘‘Summer Nights‘.

• Borat spotted in and around NYC

• I’m sorry, but paying $30 to see the Arcade Fire and $35 for the Killers is just plain wrong. For that price, there would have to promise of live porking on stage [NSFW].

• TWS.org, the only place in America that gives a damn about this whole Charlotte Church/Shirley Bassey gassey mess. In today’s episode CC takes over for mum in the nasty werds category.

• Peaches & Pete would have scarier children than John Kerry and any of these guys.

• Where did the phrase “I’ve got dibs” come from?

• Sauerkraut Wrestling Proposed For Lawmakers [via Mr Poon]

• Moving Mannequins [via Monkey]

• And sadly, it looks like Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski will never live happily ever after cause Tiffani-Amber ‘Senior’ Thiessen had to go and get hitched!! Don’t worry Z-man, cause I bet her younger sister Nicki still sweats you!! In memory of this very sorrowful day, her wasted career and huge bazoombies (that appeared outta nowhere!), I shall post my mos flavorite snappage of Tiff, which coincidently was one of the 1st semi-nudie pics I ever d-loded off the internets… before it was even called the internets!! I know it’s a bit NSFW, but hey, so is this site so stop czeching it out at work, k?

• I’ve heard rumors on the internets and thru nia peoples that Bojangles’ fried chicken is better than Popeyes’. I haven’t had the pleasure of trying Bo’s, so I can’t weigh in on this blasphemous propaganda, but it’s safe to say they are both better than KFC (sorry Dodge). Anywho, seems like the Bojangles’ empire are expanding like the waists of their patrons and have even added a few booty assed Maryland locations and one in Brooklyn, so we can soon put all these nasty rumors to rest!! I may actually get my Bo’s breast and thighs on when I’m in NC this tweakend for El Hofbergo/Natanay’s wedding. Man, I haven’t been this eggstatic since word of Fatburger’s invasion of the East Coast! Now if only we could get a Steak ‘n Shake & Waffle House in Times Sq!!!!

• Tom Cruise is officially a public relations nightmare. Watch the Oprah madness again and watch Dane Cook take on the TC madness! [2nd via ONTD]

• How Mark Felt Became ‘Deep Throat’, by Bobby Woodward & Lothrop

• Sorry, but the list should read: Kubrick, Hitchcock, Thigh Master, and Sidney Poitier, who did in fact direct Ghost Dad. And btw, I really REALLY REALLY need that 60 lb Stanley Kubrick Archives book. Take a look inside this wooly mammoth. [last via A-Baby via Me via him]

• Although I’m foaming at the mouth to see Burton’s take on The Choco Factory (I mean, this NEW trailer is off the HOOK like Mc D’s Cpt CROOK!), I do side with Gene when he sez, ‘I don’t see the point of going back and doing it all over again‘

• Mischa, cold hard gyllen’?

• Thats a nice interview with Dan Mazer, Producer of Da Ali G Show

• X-3 minus 2 directors = 1 giant mess

• Wanna see Gabrielle Union & Fischerspooner in the flesh fo free? Too bad you have to go thru Carson Daly to do so.

• June 3rd is free Krispy Kreme Doughnut day! [via JJ]

• Rockstar’s gotta a site up for their 4th cuming Warriors game. I couldn’t imagine a better pairing, besides maybe Dustin Hoffman & Run Lola Man, Tom Tykwer. [1st via Zachk de la Roachclip]

• Swatch the trailer to Keira Knightley’s latest: British & Boring

• Gayden Christensensen, you knows you in trouble when Kevin Smith is defending your honor. [via Cinematical]

• I sure wanna tap dat ass webcam!

• You can ring my BELLE When A Stranger Calls again. YUM!

• What do you get when you mix Fatboy Slim & bouncing boobies? I dunno, but I think my wrist is broken. [NSFW via Monkey Phil]

• Peepage the new vid for Doves’ ‘Snowden’ [Win – Real – QThyme]

• I don’t ask you alls to donate money, cause I’m actually sleeping with a very wealthy man, but who wants to start a Thigh Master Goes to The World Beard and Moustache Championships in the ’05 fund? Cause you know I wanna WAX DAT STACHE!

• Is this a pic of Lohag Version 2.3 looking at Lohag Version HRT the I?

• The MTA is looking for 10K good peeps to sign up for their pilot Subway Service Advisory E-mail Notification program.

• Mandy Moore running for Board of Aldermen in Scott County? Wait a parsec, I thought she wanted to be a croupier cause she was learning how to deal. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

• Gawd I heart u oh dearest Drunkenest NSFW-Father: I am – Kate Moss Topless Photoshoot | I am – A Bathing Ape Ain’t Cool | I am -Jules Asner’s Clit Hood | I am – Big Brother Fat Chick Flashing | I am – Lohan has Cankles….

• If only I were an apple… and I aint talkin bout shitty computers that only designers and idiots adore!

• A Lengthy Explanation of Why This Site Has Utterly Sucked Since, Like, January

• Seriously, does anyone read Wil Wheaton’s blog, or do we all juss link to it?

• Keep an eye on: DestroyAllCelebrities.blogspot.com

• My favorite kinda web sights are always filled with question marks, Sharapova, and only the word ‘Thighs’.

• Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries aka Books I Plan To Read But I Is Too Darn Lazy [via Meta Phil]

• Even in galaxies that are far far away, incest is best! [via DataWHHHHHHHHHAT?]

• You know it’s time to move when…

• Can anyone tell me what the fark is going on in this pic? [via His UMCness the I]

I’m sorry, what was I talking about?

• And SUNDAY @ 11:59PM the polls will close in the 1st EVER CORN ME Photoshop Contest! So VOTE NOW if u don’t think Super Thighs Me is the bee’s fleas.

• ADDDDDDDDDDDDED: Could this be Peabs’ last flazzum? So sayeth it aint so (for the 2nd time)!!

• Lohag to star in Mission Impossible 3?!?!??!?! Although none of the MI movies have been remotely watchable, this call makes about as much sense as letting the dude who makes Mad Libs write the sequel to Homer’s The Odyssey, or choosing KFC fried chicken for a picnic over Popeyes, or sitting down to watch UPN for 3 straight hours of programming, or going to college to actually learn things, or beating off to Rosie O’Donnell playing a retard. Have I made my point clear? If this ever happens, Satan has won. [via Defamer]

• Did you know that I attended the ELEVENTH BEST HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY! EAT THAT LOSERS WHO KANT SPELLS OR USAGES GRAMER CO-erect-LEE!!! ROCKET PRIDE & ROCKET POWER FOREVER BIZATCHESZZ!! [via the I-Train]

• Coldplay set to bore 36 cities

• Talk bout doing a 180, Marty Freedawg gonna follow Hitchhiker’s with Anthony Minghella’s latest, Breaking And Entering, co-starring Jude Law (whom I’d love as my own personal cole slaw)

• Orlando B(l)oo learned how to act from lizards. Explains why he’s so boring, but not why he refuses to star in a movie that takes place in the 20th or 21st century.

• Hayden Christensen, NOT gay?

• Who knew Borat loved the Knicks and chilled with Sandler? And good luck Timmy R trying to follow-up what Ali G did last year.

• Apparently Jim Henson’s crew wants to scare the crap outta me again! Speaking of, cant wait til Six Feet Under returns this summer.

• Will the US Open’s blue courts cause blue balls? I dunno, but I bet she’s caused many o’ cases of them!

• Z is for trailer

• Behold, the new and improved WhiteStripes.com. I hear if you visit it each day, you’ll keep the doctor away and the Kip at bay.

• Duran squared to get all orchestrated.

• The fine peoples that brought you Slice are done with za and have moved on to bigger and better burgers with A Hamburger Today. Hopefully they’ll do an international version as I’m dying to know how the burgers of Calais taste!

• Saving Adrmiral Ackbar & this & this!

• Tickets for the Digable Planets show @ Irving Platz are on-sale. Who’s in? [via The Vegan]

• Jeopardy! is looking for the next Ken Jennings Pam Mueller in the following cities: NYC, Philly, Memphis, & Bostonia.

• SexySlumberParty.com [SFW], a part of probably the most decent Simpsons‘ episode I’ve seen/the only episode I’ve sat thru in 2 years! [All Thangs Christ]

• A Pringles Flagship Store in Times Square?

• This will make you feel pathetic

• The world’s largest building made of Lego pieces? [via Cubicle Hater]

• Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight [via the midget source, Zach de la Roachclip]

• ALMOST as much fun as watching someone play Burger Time [via K to the P]

• Nuttin beats an internets site choc fulla animated gifs of women beating up people, sometimes utilizing their thighs. [via T Gunzzzzzz]

• And nobody tears up the Côte d’Azur like mees and my’s crew!! Sorry yer missin’ out on all the fun Cuthy, but after taking part in these brat-wurstestest photos of all’sthymer, I had no choice but to leave you at home.