Thighs Wide Shut

Us 80s DC metro kids alls know that this is the greatestist commercial of balls thyme (sadly, not a link to the actual commercial), but did we, and the rest of you jerkfaces from st elsewhere, know that the spot above, where a methed out Fraiser is trying his damnedest to sell the world on Shaq-Fu: THE VIDEO GAME, is 2nd breastest of gaul’s lime? I consider the uploading of this ‘mercial my biggest contribution to the internets mt EVERest/olive!!

BONUS FU: the fu-iest fu-sic video for the ultimate in fu-llaboration: The Fu-Schnickens & Shaq-Fu gettin all ‘What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock?)’ e-fu-ed!!

• Ice-T AND Body Count is both coming out wit NEW albums?!??!SE#@#@@2!!! [source matz] WH—AAaAT??!!t5t1!!yes!!! One is called Murder for Hire and the other is Gangsta Rap. If you can quess which deep title belongs to which artist and are the 3751223485th person to email me your answer, I’ll buy you one medium thin crust pizza from Domino’s! And if that’s not enuff grate news about meaningless old things that rock, New Edition is reuniting for the 15th time so Bell Biv and DeVoe can pat their rent, but THIS TIME with Bobby Brown on board, who also needs to pay his rent!! Wow, maybe they all should make a NEW EDITION of the Rent movie cause the one we got SUCKED. Get it, a NEW EDITION, cause they’re New Edition and I want them to make a NEW EDITION of the movie Rent cause thereir’s will be better than the one with all the stoopid white people who sing instead of earning a paycheck. STOP SINGING AND HAVING SNARKY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES AND STOP SINGING!!!!

• I’d be down with a Pumpkins, ‘rillaz, Stripes second night of ‘chella

• Cause like Doggy Poo [trailer], sometimes dreams really DO come true: Free Marissa shirts (+ Falkor’s sister with Hitler’s fruit of choice)! [apparel american via Chillary G]

• So is having HFRT CC THE IV on The OC my next wet dream come true like Jude Law making out with Damon Albarn, with a soundtrack by Pasemaster Mase?

• Merry belated peace the fork out to President David Palmer. Hopefully you got some killer Allstate Life Insurance!!! And may the YMNTD.com be with you, ballways [via Mega Man/Van]

• Merry war the spoon in to Nixon Pt II: President Logan aka llon Tandro aka Dr. Dysek aka Captain Sopek!!!

• Ziyi Zhang totally wants to 2046nine it up with Slim Shadeball

• ClintonPortis.com’s collection of Clinton Portis Characters [via Mr I-495]

• IFC Films secured the US theatrical rights to a movie that maybe 4,876 people would want to see (including me, annie + 1, and 4,873 hipsters)

• The Fiddler should quit blogging and juss make eyelicious art things with album covers all ze time

• celebrity rebus – part 1

• Hottest Significant Other Tournament, Savory 16

• Little Urchins, for when you want yer baby to oh, well, whatever, nevermind.

• Can you peoples stop taking pictures of me in the park while I’m reading A Catcher In The Rye

• 25th Anniversary AllSportsMarket.com DeLorean Give-Away

• Many a FREE screenings to the next Pied Piper of Perabo adventure

• This one is for TK Stack Money: Who’s responsible for naming the planet Uranus?

• THE goal

• Coca-Cock-a? [SFW via Navi’s Unibrow Universe]

• Sorry I couldn’t be of service for the one earthling searching for “Nick Goings’ eyebrows”. To make it up to you, here’s an old link of an old man with old eyebrows doing what he does best: being old

• And

Twats sure to be le breastest movie (at least remake) of the ’06?

Camilla Belle vs Water: THE MOVIE

• Cuthbest to return to 24 this year? Only if you trust the werds of one Joanne Weintraub

• Peep the teaser trailer to Mel Gibson’s Mayan mess Apocalypto… 3 to 1 he somehow he blames the Jews for their extinction

• A year later and the good people of Roanoke, VA still aren’t sure if it was Borat who turned their rodeo into a almost stampede… guess dem Red States aren’t big subscribers of HBO

• Gorillaz up for MTV’s Cribs

• 18 zillion people sent me this link, so I guess I should post it: The Chappelle Theory

• Justin Case you missed it on yer internets rounds: He-Man/She-Ra: A Christmas Special

• So I guess I shouldn’t count on potato latkes in the Kingdom this year, eh luv the V?

• What do you plan to do with yer extra 2005 second? I can’t decide between patting myself on the back or patting my balls

• Rotten Tomatoes’ ’05 Bombs List… boviously House of Wax and Domino wouldn’ta been considered bombs had they taken in account the only reviews that matter: OURS!!

• The True Cadillac™ of Bicycles

• wayfaring.com

• Frynally, someone else’s boobies have replaced Tara Reid’s judge hatchet job as les nastiest bazongies in the world [double duhvs NSFWness]

• Lookin for a bigger effin miracle than the sorta special holiday of Chahhannuaakakkakkah? How bout dem Skins who are the NFC’s HOTTiest team, who juss avenged the live abortion I saw in late Rocktober, and who now be mere baby steps away from the pay-offs? So start hittin up Orbitz for early Feb flights to the D, fill yer thIghpod up wit the sweet reggae sounds of The Joe Gibbs Family in the back [via the Dollar], and wipe the dust of yer bumpers, cause I wanna see these babies everywhere!!!

+ Peace the fork out Borat.kz

+ Our queen makes you wet, and herself

+ Damon Albest, Thom Prenatal Yorke, Colin Firthy Rich, and others loved to get dumped on

+ A true Chrismukkah miracle: the 4thcummin return of Seth Cohen’s soul mate, Samaire Armstrong!

+ Hopefully this is the season of 24 where Chloe and Edgar make mutant alien babies like on V

+ Why haven’t you checked the children?

+ Atari, Chuck-E-Cheese, and 80s robots, a match made in bankruptcy

+ What I’ve learned from my latest Vermont trip: every radio station plays Led Zep… good thing it aint Zeptember

+ Why is the letter “E” on top of all eye charts?

+ How to do pop art portraits

+ Bid on a Wolf Parade pita setlist [via Bendy Dick]

+ The top 10 weirdest USB drives ever [via Fleaski]

+ Rocky Balboa: THE BLOG, some say scariest thing to hit the internets since those pictures surfaced on Pinky and the Brain of that dude’s b-day cake with Trent’s face on it. I’m sure Grambo won’t be gettin one of dem for his b-day!

+ Speaking of b-days, I bet Nikki is having the wurst one ever

+ Thighmaster For Your Goat

+ Matt Line Hart supposedly likes to get drunk, grope women, and get slapped. We don’t know this fo sure, but these will do…

[via The Meat Hook]

[see more snaps from the next Balboa bout | via Pakula Shaker]

• The 2006 Independent Spirit Awards should be a whale of a time. Good night, and good luck to Good Night, And Good Luck

• The 2006 Sundance Film Festival should be a squid of a time, with such new hotness from the likey likes of Michel Gondry, Jonathan Demme, Wim Wenders, Terry Zwigof, and Nick Cassavetes. No word if Drama or Turtle will return to romance the same woman, or to shop Romancing The Stone 3

• The mos illiest Bat Mitzvah of 5766, thus far

• From the desk of Andy Rooney: Andy Rooney’s desk

• John Franklin scared the living daylights outta me in Children of The Corn, and so did the design of his official website

• Borat learns the ways of American Football. HI FIVE!!!

• King Kong doesn’t arrive in theaters til next week, but if yer mad jonesing, feel free to contact the real King Kong, or his imposter, King Kong, or eat at the King Kong restaurant in Brooklyn. Or don’t, and continue to play Donkey Kong Jr Math

• Bless those intersleuthing for ‘Wilson Jermaine Heredia and a-rod‘ and ‘thigh master really work?‘

• The gift that keeps on blinging [via Ceffle]

• Ditka + Grabowski = CLICK NOW [via The Meat Hook]

• And while Her Royal Thighness the Colin Firth is having a case of no nipple regrets, mine eyes have shifted attention to her Pride & Prejudice sistah [soon to be reviewed, PROMISE]. No, not Pikey, but lil Kitty, played by the relatively unknown Carey Mulligan. She may not appear to be quite the Dane Looker according to these snaps (next to KK), but lemme tell you, she’s got a certain gumption that makes conjunction junction function beyond function. Camilla’s still the heir to the bone, but my thighs are always wide open to fresh clams. We’ll keep a tab, shift, alt, and ctrl on you lil one!

My 10 year high school reunion RULED, cause I was the most popular kid EVER and our school ruled and I ruled the school!!!! All my classmutts got to meet, greet, and bow to the newly minted Mr and Mrs Thigh Master of Thighland!! And My Man Marvkus was there and he even wore his special helmet!!!

• NINE minutes of Narnia footage!!! I only allowed myself to watch a minute of it, but this shiz is gonna be the CHRONIC(les) [via CumSoon]

• Borat responds, in video form, to Kazakhstan’s litigation threats against his alter ego [via CNN/Borat Site]

• Who knew that CC the IV was niggled by her knees?

• The Encyclopedia Britannica commercial kid has a blog, with 98% less mandibula [via Data Dizzle]

• Congratulations Hanes, you have finally created some beatoff matz

• Pat Morita proving that man who fish with chopstick can get press in ’67

• The MySpace Legion Of Extraordinary Stupid Hair Super Heroes!

• 2004 was sorta the new 1861

• Cheerioke [via Crude Feet]

• Most dangerous toys

• Macy’s T-Giving Day Parade of ’89, with bonus footage of NBC’s KILLAH Saturday Night Lineup (227, Amen, The Golden Girls and Empty Nest)

• Bid to own Herbie, which may or may not have Lohag butt stains [via The I-Train]

• Shockey, premature jockularity (stolen from Dan Patrick), gif stizz [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Kate, can we be friendsters with privileges?

• And what’s the bestest advantage of having older siblings? Being exposed to things your really shouldn’t be at many a tender ages. One memory of mammories that stands out in my mind is watching Valley Girl at or around the age of 6. I think that was the berry first time that I saw boobs on TV. I don’t remember much else, but from that day forward, I was hooked for life on the things that most men don’t have, but we all love. I think even gay men love boobs. I know the Bloodhound Gang surely do, but who knows if they are gay or not. Anywho, everyone in that movie showed us their boobs, even Tommy Pickles/Pee-Wee’s bike buddy Dottie/the singer in and of Better Off Dead, eggcept for, I believe, the one lil hottie that Nicolas Cage would stop the world for, just for melting: Deborah Foreman [d-lode the Modern English tune for full effect]. I give her props for keeping her clothes on, but I give her POOPS for being one of the flyest lizadies of the his-eighties who basically fell into b-movie helldom and started to look like crusty Charlotte Rampling in Swimming Pool [NSFW]. Why can’t I invents a time machine and bring Ms Foreman, Dirty Woman, Fly Girl, and The Dolenz, in all their former glories, into the now and make them party with me in a giant jacuzzi… kinda like what Uncle Rico dreamt of with his soul mate. But alas, I can’t invents things and can only write about the wrongs my lil prepubescent eyes had seen. BOOOOOOOOOOBS!!! So, ya think you don’t know who Ms Foreman is? Wellski, did I mention that she was the sultry sultan in Real Genius that made me want to own dress shirts so that one day a nakkid chick could wear my dress shirt, NAKED??