Thighs Wide Shut

Thigh Mizzle’s
Top Hill-even
Art-ease-its
of Balls Thyme
& why
and my flavorite piece by em

1) Vincent van Gogh

Why?
Cause everytime I van gogh to his museum (6+ times and counting), I pay for the audio tour juss to hear some Dutch woman who sounds like Willard’s mum say these three simple words: ‘The Potato Eaters’. Bonus for being portrayed by Kirk Douglas AND Tim Roth

Which Piece?

The Sower, 1888
Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

2) Edward Hopper

Why?
Cause his paintings make me feel more lonely than Roy Orbison’s ‘Only The Lonely’, and Todd Haynes and countless others totally jacked his stizz for many a beautiful flicks

Which Piece?

Soir Bleu, 1914
Whitney Museum of American Art, New York

3) Salvador Dali

Why?
Cause he collaborated with two of the 20th Century’s entertainment go-liaths, Disney & Hitchcock… although these dynamic duets didn’t turn out the way they should’ve

Which Piece?

Lincoln In Dalivision, 1977
Minami Art Museum, Tokyo

4) Georges Seurat

Why?
Cause Alan Ruck gets the POINTillism, even if he isn’t the true sausage king of Chicago!

Which Piece?

A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, 1884-86
The Art Institute of Chicago

5) Giuseppe Arcimboldo

Why?
Cause he made it safe to play with your food, but not with yer balls

Which Piece?

The Vegetable Gardener, circa 1590
Museo Civico Ala Ponzone, Cremona, Italy

6) Caravaggio

Why?
Cause Tarsem hit gold with his C’vaggio laced vid for REM’s ‘Losing My Religion’ and hit the level of Judy Gold (read: BOO) with The Cell starring J-Ho

Which Piece?

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas, 1601-02
Neues Palais, Potsdam

7) René Magritte

Why?
Cause only he and a nakkid Rene Russo could turn The Thomas Crown Affair into a watchable non-Bond Pierce Brosnan feature! Plus, this is not a pipe, cause it’s a painting of a pipe!!!

Which Piece?

L’Empire des Lumieres, 1954
Peggy Guggenheim Collection, Venice

8) MC Escher

Why?
Cause the world’s first white rapper gets no respect on the East or the West coast, and I’ve NEVER seen one of his works hang in a proper museum, juss numerous college dorm walls

Which Piece?

Waterfall, 1961
National Gallery of Canada

9) Gustav Klimt

Why?
Cause his last name sounds like an Austrian word for vagina and he often shows vagina or BOOBS or BOTH in his work. And it’s not often I throw around the word ‘ornate’, but his shiz is as the hoodlums say, ‘nate, yo!

Which Piece?

Der Beethovenfries, 1901-02
Secession, Vienna

10) Edvard Munch

Why?
Cause he loves to munch on box and his bumblin’ countrymen apparently guard their national treasures with guns made out of balsam wood

Which Piece?

Anxiety, 1894
Munch-museet, Oslo

11) Hieronymus Bosch

Why?
Cause along with his partner Lomb, they cared more about eyes than Ree-Yees and V Eye Whoreshoutski combined! And I bet he was like the Puck of his day, and stuff

Which Piece?

Hell part of The Garden of Earthly Delight triptych, circa 1504
Museo del Prado, Madrid

Han-Solorable mentions: Leonardo da Vinci, Rembrandt van Rijn, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Thomas Hart Benton, Andy Warhol, Fernand Léger, Henri Rousseau, Grant Wood, Roy Lichtenstein, Keith Harring, Jan Vermeer, Paul Signac, Damien Hirst, BOB ROSS(!) and MANY MORE whom I forgots to include

Wurstest
1) Mark Rothko
2) Lucio Fontana
3) both 1 & 2

THIS JUSS IN!!!
– DREAM CUM TRUE: TK Stack Money a go for MNF
– DESTINY CUM TRUE: Maryland offically becomes Garyland
– DRAZZLE CUMMING ON MY LEG: Everytime I look at Meg White and her ‘disco boobs’

ABC is planning to take a dump on its bestest show, YES, I’m talking about INVASION and not Lost (or Fencing With The Stars either!), juss so Orlando Jones can mix things up with Oscar-winning actor Martin Landau. But don’t fret kids, cause I doubt we’ll ever see the werds ‘Oscar’ and ‘Orlando Jones’ in the same sentence again. WHY GAWD WHY!>!~@#>!@#!@ Where’s the david justice? Is it cause Evan Peters is the new Brock Peters or looks like Jack White Jr? Or the audience consists of me and my tall semitic roomie?? Sio, prepare the corntroopers and head to ABC’s HQ. For this can mean only ONE thing…

Spanks ‘tastic, cause I really need that $10.50 to purchase a grundle hair clipper [NSFW that you should click on even if yer work isn’t safe for things that are not safe for work!]

Wanna know who to bet on in any major sporting event? Be sure to czech in with Bandwagon Boy, the day AFTER

Goonies 2 R’nt good enuff

All work and no play makes HFutureRT Camilla Belle scared shi(r)tless

Stalking Samaire Armstrong at Kinko’s

The Jizzfeld (aka the Ziegfeld) be takin a month of from showing crap to bring the screen’s biggest and brightest back to the biggest and brightest screen, like The Jones trilogy, LOTR, some gay musicals, + MO! [via Tom Wellington, the world’s greatest living actor & AOoF]

Streaking of the Jizzfeld, here’s yer gran’pa-pa’s beat-off matz [SFW]

Phrase that should never hever appear in print hever never hagain: ‘fingering Aaron Neville‘

Hopefully this means he’s spending a wee bit more time on those dreadful Extras scripts

The wurstest Mexican wrestling movie starring Jack Black and directed by the man who brought you Napoleon Dynamite has gots to be Nacho Libre. Thats good news for The Neverending Story III, although it has nothing to do with Jared Hess or Mexican wrestling

Learning never ends: the voice at the beginning of Us3’s ‘Cantaloop’ [d-lode] is that of midget maestro Pee Wee Marquette (think Gary Coleman of the 50s), former doorman turned MC of the famed Birdland, from Art Blakey’s A Night at Birdland, Vol. 1 [stream WMV file]

[snap via MoP]
The 2006 U.S. Olympic Team Roster, By State. Who knew that Mini-soda was like the center of the universe for American curling?

Biggest Super Bowl Disappointment: Joe Namath did not attempt to hump Suzy Kolber’s leg like it was the ’03

Gheorghe Muresan still haunts the DC haunts

SPiN’s Hottest Significant Other Tournament: Foxy Four

The internets best kept mp3 blazzle secret: Puritan Blister. Doesn’t hurt that I’m a zucker for mash-potato-ups. And thanks to the PB, I’m totally thighing out on my thIghpod to ‘Smells Like Oh My Gosh’ Nirvana vs Basement Jaxx [d-lode]

So den, how do songs get stuck in your head?

How do astronauts go to the bathroom in space? Goo thing freeze-dried ice cream doesn’t give one the runs

X-Entertainment’s Freezer, which aint as Freezy as Freakies

The Mohammed & Christ cartoon that will soon spark the burning and looting of Canadian embassies all up in the Middle East

Not as in-depth as the Borat entry, but czech out Wikipedia’s bit on You’re The Man Now Dog, if yer a man OR dog, man! [via Wananmaker]

Before you DARE enter our ultraFAB Oscar Pool (group name: House of Wax Dat Ass password: neckbeard, $10 to rule them all), you may wanna get a leg up on the competition by peeping the live-action and animated shorts, but only if yer an LAer or an NYer

So that’s what you call that

Eyebrow-Raising Tattoos

Thank you for not pot smoking

Park Slope 2009 according to Freejack… wonder if La Bagel Delight survives?

Japanese Spiderman

Brille-YANT commercial [MaybeNSFW via Fleaski]

And this just in: SIDE BOOBS still RULE!!

Pee ess – don’t forget to look at yesterday’s corn masterpoops and get yer effin VOTE on or DIE, like Puffdido’s career

So hows comes we’ves nevers seens Sarah Jessica Parkers & Mitch from Real Genius in the same bat room, at the same bat time?

You mean joe greene to tell me that telegrams hadn’t already gone the way of funny American sitcoms? And that Falkor’s sister isn’t already a US citizen? Shiz is gonna be a tuff task considering Fantasia is apart of the Axis of Evil.

A Gorillaz/Madonna penta-et (that’s like a duet, but for 5) will open the Grammys with 7 minutes of bang, and then the rest of the show will be 203 minutes of whimper. And why can’t we let Borat [vid] host everything?

Freaking of Borat Sagdiyev, sucks to be the British ambassador to Kazakhstan right about now, hispecially when you have to defend his humoristic merits of British racism to the people being racilisted against

Breastest home video news, until the announcement of the Twin Peaks season 2 discs: two-disc special editions HD DVD AND standard DVD releases Clockwork Orange, The Shining, 2001: Space Odyssey and an UN CUT VERSION of Eyes Wide Shut will be released later this year. Dats the news Ebert‘s been waiting ages for, for he’s been love jonezin for that lost ark of beatoff matz [source]

Jodie Sweetin a Meth addict? I guess someone had to buy Tical 2000 : Judgement Day [via Syntacular]

Reservations. Candlelight. Table Side Service. Valentine’s Day. White Castle?!?!!? Mankind has just jumped the shark… and I’ll see there! [via BRAWNY IFOCE FUTURE SUPER CHAMPION MAN]

You my friend, is no Alfred Hitchcock, and you my Malkovich aint no Kubrick, and Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.

Lindsay Lohan’s Lost Diary, is nothing but 347299553 pages about her being coo-coo for my huge-huge co-cock. Lettuce hope it does see the light of day, but not starring Michael J Fox or Joan Jett [via Navi the Elbirret]

Belated conflatulations to the mother of my children for her Outstanding Choreography nomination for work on a local ghetro production of Kiss of the Spider Woman [source]

MoMA’s gonna be a SCREAM come late Feb when there’s MUNCH to do about nothing

Gnarls Barkley

The commercial is still MIA, but Jhoon Rhee still fights for right. And for all the lizadies out there, this stud’s for you

[via SkunkI via the Dollar]
DAVE KRIEG RULES… in the fumbles department!! Ah, to be a Bears fan in ’96, when DK was kickin it and fumble apprentice Rashaan Salaam was his RB

AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh, HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh!

I’m an XL and my addy is:

Thigh Master
c/o Amblin Entertainment
123 Anywhere St
Thighland, Thailand Killah Hills 10304

Somesbody please take a thing and get Sean Paul’s ‘We Be Burnin’ [d-lode] straight outta my head and into my car a jar

Cool is having you sitting on my face

Awesome is when your TV sister is giving me a mustache ride… in 3+ years time

Something not to poop on: Triumph The Insult Comic Moonlighting As TV Weatherman In Hawaii

Is the saying “Beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer, never fear” physiologically accurate?

Fender to Kitty, ‘Hello!’

Wolf Howl Animal Peserve’s Wolf T Shirt Long Sleeve [via Kruisemanko]

IFILM’s Viral Video’s Best of 2005’s

Thighs wide Shut

I guess I can scratch this one off for Hot Cross Buns Friday: 57 Hines Ward

Bad Candy AND Bad-Candy AND Bad Video Game Covers [via Tededore | Data Que?]

And I’ve got my mind set on [aud] replacing Coyle (the soon to be William Henry Harrison of her Her Royal Thighnesses)

But I’ve also got my mind on the Shroud of Torino Winter Olympiad, where I predict that

Michael Essany
&
Meathead’s
cousin
Jan Michaelis

is an 8pt favorite
to becoming the
2nd becoming of
Simon Ammann
Swiss Ski Jumper Hero of Swissland
(but not to be confused with Swaziland)
of the Salt Lake Games
who had the single grate-ist
celebration
of
balls
time

YA GOLD!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
!!!

[watch the vid
2mins 40secs in
for all that jazz]

PEE ES – this FRIDAY at 11:59 PM IS THE HAPSOLUTELYE FINAL DAY TO SEND IN SUBMISSIONS for the Cornme in History Photochop super contest!!! Monday all entries (all 7 of them) will be posted and you will vote for who is supreme over-underlord, to me, Supreme Adobe Photoshop Commanding Vice Lord General Madine! Here’s an eggsample that I masterfullofitly did for you to choke on my genus bitches!!

go gettum gumshoes!!

and THIS JUST IN
although a day late
[via Metz]

o’ Nancy, u are so O’Best, so O’Brills, so Oh-some!!
O’y vey is the old new O-tay?

Coachella or
Bonnaroo or
Palooza
or Vans Warped Tour?
Hmmmmmmmm…

Welcome To Yer 20s
¡Meesa Barfon!

Now stop looking like yer 30, and play more croquet!! And damn that FALKOR, for he stole our sunshine [d-lode]!!!

The 2006 Bloggies BOO-ies, starring many a boo bazzles + the underground goodness that is YCMIU, and doves course, not us!! Bitter much? M’yes, but not as bitter has dem herbs during Passover. Maybe it has sum tang to do wit being #11 search result for ‘PAINT YOUR TITS.COM’???

Speaking of people who search for things like that, gay bashers who love tits (and Larry David) can finally rejoice: NSFW clips of Anne Hathaway AND Michelle Williams in Gay Cowboys: THE MOVIE, on the internets/webs!!!

Kids In The Hall, like Tony! Toni! Tone!, are doing it again! [via CRAP!]

Apple are the new Nickelback, cept they don’t copy themselves [via Mod Squad]

It so sad that I was juss learning how to m-bate around the time that Willa Holland and Saaya Irie were born

More Holland cheese that isn’t edam or gouda: TV Guide int + Countdown Clock on DakotaCountDown.com??!!? I still can’t bee leave people are counting down to Dakota’s age of ripeness. She’s like everyone’s perfect kid sister, kinda like Lisa Simpson, cept a lot hottier

Sometimes I wish I had the foresight of Rosanne Cash

With Ladytron westward bound and gagged for the end of April, you can book em dano for Coachella

Droopy Dog‘s finally got himself some spank material!

Does the title of your book got twat it takes to be a bestseller? Lulu’s Titlescorer KNOWS ALL! So who wants to publish my memoirs?

I think RANDOM House would be a good fit, eh?

What, a Walkmen Walkman wouldn’ta’been hip enuff? What if we reserved a square for it on the Hipster Bingo card? [via Leafy Greens]

Top 65 Music Videos of 2005 [via Korean Grosser]

Kazakhstanis Against Borat

The one, the only, the IFOCE video montage

Vintage Vantage’s Top Shelf… what, there weren’t any fat people who wore cool threads in the 70s/80s? And me donts thinks $234 clams is too much to pay when Burger Chef memories are on the line!! Yes, BURGER CHEF [beware audio]!!!

Could possib-drew-bly be better than The Man

Go-Go Boots.com’s Photo Gallery

Celebs sing + ads rock!

Bidders beware of fake Cliff Engle sweaters, and fake dog poop. What ‘fake dog poop’?

Mozzy likes it!

I spit you not, but yesterday, a bum on the subway smelled eggzactly like a freshly opened bag of salt and vinegar chips

And to take the stink straight of outta yer mouth from this snapple of KK, HRT the V, givin us the sassy takin a dump face, Strut magazine has blessed us with this slut tazazine!!

Pee es- PHOTOSHOP ME!!! IN HISTORY, like with Charlemagne or Charles In Charge!!! Email ent-trees here!

And an oldie, but still a good n plenty

Freaking of, I think it was about thyme we had ourselves another one of dem Photoshop me corn head contests!!! This time there’s a theme: HISTORY. So take this, and these broken wings, learn to fly again, and let the magic begin. Winner gets a package of FUN stuff!! All submissions are due by next Thursday, the 26th by 11:01 PM EST (right after TV’s Invasion ends, and the William Fitchner fanta-sees begin!)

PHEWWWWWWW!!!! Call off Leonard Smalls!!! The Arizona (née Huffhines) quintuplets are safe para todos los dias!!!

I heart you Kaitlin Cooper

Gunnar and Matthew Nelson (aka Nelson) will be performing some of their father Ricky’s songs after a screening of a doc about his life, which was directed by Taylor Hackford, who is far from being a hack, at the Musée d’Tele & Radio next Tuesday. No word if there’ll be a Father Dowling Mysteries reunion with T-Bos and Gunnar and M-dawg’s sister Tracy, who was sorta like the OG Michelle Gellar

Why does the Archdukes ‘Outsiders’ [d-lode] sound like a lamer 2005 NEW EDITION (DeVoe) of Oingo Boingo [wma proof] ?

Sometimes I forget funny things, and sometimes Ms Ism remembers them for me

Do you still own/use a VCR?

And if yer able to bring yer cpu into the shitter then Wikipedia(the fastest growing bestness site in the solar system (next to NUH.8k.com)’s Borat entry is the greatest shitter matz since Strunk & White AND Blanche Knott!!!! I mean, where else you gonna learn that the man who’s sister was awarded ‘best sex in mouth’ by the Almaty Chamber of Commerce has never washed his trademark suit? Or since Borat.KZ PTFO (peaced the fork out) that it has since been reborn as Borat.TV? Or mos pier one importantly: BORAT could be MAHIR 2.0. The similarities are so similar that this case that was never opened is now closed.

Kids, this Sunday marks the 2nd to last weekend of FOOOTBALLL(!?go steel-town?!) til the dog daze of summer roberts. Lettuce all revel in America’s FINEST sport (not up for debate cause the NBA blows goats, cept they do have those Ali G spots) and get more blottoed than Joe Namath humping Suzie Kolber’s leg. I KISS YOU!!!