Thighs Wide Shut

The full line-up has frynally been announced for Central Park’s Summerstage. No big sirprizes, cause I knows you read the BV, but how outta leftfield is the Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians reunion show? I guess Paul Simon put his wife back to work in order to pay off the debts from the Capeman debacle, eh? Anywho, EB and the New Bs are not only reuniting, but dropping a new album on July 25th! Listenage to their new track ‘Wear You Down’ [d]

Reason #1 to hit up Lebowski Fest Austin this weekend: personal appearance of Big Lew Abernathy, one of the inspirations for the Walter Sobchak

50 bucks will get ya into an early screening of the Strangers With Candy movie, and possibly into the pants of some gaylords

Didn’t realize Axl loved Misshapes THAT much

Bestest ep of Amazing Stories? Me spanx not. Dat honor blackman belongs to the Saving Private Ryanesque episode ‘No Day at the Beach’

Breastest post-1983 Star Wars tee of balls thyme

Wonder if these heads of state give great head, or juss headache?

I’d almost rather watch Jiminy Glick in Lalawood 7 times over than see Click fo free

I can’t finger out what’s so humorous about this

Blessed be the person who was intersleuthing ‘Rock Down To Electric Boogaloo’

Dispelling that Mentos/exploding Pepsi rumor that no one’s ever had a reason to spell-dis

NSFWNSFWNSFWNSFW

and

[plenty mo]

Guns N’ Roses
Hammerstein Ballroom
May 15th, 2006

In today’s world where Queen, INXS, the Cars, and the Doors tour without their centerpiece vocalists, it’s quite welcoming to see a band tour with the opposite DNA, aka, its original singer in tact, sans the supporting playas. Don’t spank me wrong, I love Slash and Duff McKegs like it was nobody’s bidness (it isn’t your bidness), but would I ever care to see a Velvet Revolver show juss cause they is members? Like Mr Poon and sugar in the same room, no never, never! And thus, whatever the cosmetics of Guns N Roses is today doesn’t make one bit o honey or difference to mes as shlong as Axl W Rose is involved (think our generation’s kinda sorta post-Waters Pink Floyd). Last nite, for 2 and 1/2 hiz-ours, I partied like it was 1992, and I rocked more than Iraned and although the faces may have changed, the song effin remained the same. Read: franzforkintastic!!! Bless you AWR (even if you love yerself more than I love myself) and co, who did quite an admirable job filling in the huge empty shoes… although I don’t understand why they didn’t play ‘Don’t Cry’ [d], which is by far, the bestest GNR song in their arsenal asshole. It’s waz almost a bigger let down then when i saw Duran² for the second time and they din’t play ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’. But after all’s said and Warrick Dunn, last nite’s show was probably the best $75 I’ve spent in a long arsed time, besides that 80s Astros jersey thats soon coming to my door. Here’s a rundown of what I got for my two cents (times 3,750):

[for you newbies or douche-Bs
click each pic for even mo fun]

Martin Freeman Is Rembrandt, NOT THE TOOTHPASTE

Jennifer Ellison’s boobs are opening a restaurant

Bob Ross Video game developer TALKS (in words)!

The next dames & knights of the realm: Summer, Seth, Julie, and Sandy

5 days lates, but still loves me the Norman Chad NFL Draft recap

Clowns Without Borders

[Guns n Rosenthal]

GO CINCO DE MAYO!!

Pee Es – And I don’t care what our friends from across the pond think or what you think, cause Mischa Barton is probably the mos beautiful girl in the world… hispecially when donin’ a a schoolgirl outfit or when slurping my jimmy jazzum [wish both were NSFW]

PS2 – I bee leave that this is the 1st ever review of a Lily Allen show, from last nite’s shazzle at YOYO

Colour Me Kubrick
John Malkovich Being Someone Else Who Was Being Someone Else
Trailer (contains too many spoilers in my o-pinion)
US Release Date – unknown

Written by one of MASTER director Stanley Kubrick’s assistants and directed with obvious passion by one of his assitant directors, Colour Me is the hilarious loose fictionalization of conman Alan Conway’s amazing mid 90s London exploits as a Kubrick impersonator [read the a UK article about it all here]. And since the internets was in its infancy, not many people knew what SK looked like. That worked heavily in the favor of the beardless, overly gay, and skinny Conway, who duped many, and in the process reaped the benefits of posing as the pseudo-Howard Hawks of our day. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect role for the overly serious, yet doesn’t take himself so serious Malkovich. It’s by far his mos humorous to date, unless you count his work as Teddy KGB in Rounders, which I don’t think was suppose to be funny. What more could you ask for? If you love the Kubrick AND the Malkovich, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this. PROMISE!! And if you don’t, please go back to Swaziland you effin Swazi!!

Recommended for those who like: the gayness of the killer from Silence of the Lambs, classic classical Kubrick scores, and costumes almost as outlandish and garish as the ones in Velvet Goldmine

Possible Porno Name: Hummer My Cute Prick

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other Malkovich gay con job, Ripley’s Game [trailer in RM]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Hello’ by Lionel Richie [d] or anything by Color Me Badd [d], I guess

IMDb Sweeney: the only cast member to actually have worked with the Kub was Barry Lyndon‘s lady in hotness, Marisa Berenson. Other random notables in the cast are: Ms Pussy Galore, whose real name is even butter than that, GUPPY(!), Ayesha Dharker, who was in something called Split Wide Open, and the last known screen role of Jek Porkins

TFF Thighspotting: the Malk-man himself for a Q & A, and I aint talkin bout a guy who fronts Jicks

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Although probably mo of a Jeepers Worth A Peepers PLUS, I’m gonna give it my golden seal of approval, Breast In Show, although there are no breasts, juss a lot of gay men, but alas, no cock

Gayest movie mt EVERest to be remade into probably the 2nd Gayest movie mt FUJIest

Paul Oakenfold + Brittany Murphy(?) = ‘Faster Kill Pussycat’ [d vis Rich Wee]

Matt Friedberger, music’s Woody Allen?

What do the Streets’ Mike Skinner and Scott Stereogum have in common? An unyielding love for Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’ video

Mandy Moore refunds those who bought her first album that ‘sucked’. If HJs are a form of repayment, I think I’m gonna go buy every copy in eggsistance

Lily Allen interview, cause what’s a day w/o a LA link (not to be confused with LA Law)?

How does Tori Amos and my’s HS go from being the 11th breast in the country to the 15th? I mean, our bell schedule is second to none! ROCKET PRIDE ROCKET POWER

Travis b-sides

CheckOutMyBreasts.com [NSFW, but in a good way vis Newbsy]

The Gumfighter‘s drink of choice? Hubba Bubba soda

Do McDonald’s milkshakes contain seaweed?

My Old Mac

Now Start A Beard

50 Animals Driving

Faces of Meth

From the Sorry, I Can’t Help You Dept: used underwear from maria sharapova you can buy

World’s wurstest Willy Wonka homage

Wickerpedia

The Art of Motion

Anne Sellors, uncredited for good reason

And they may not be Nazis, but they is still crazy…