Thighs Wide Shut

A Scanner Darkly
The Real Pic-Czar
Trailer

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If Sin City was last year’s udderly franztatsic visually arresting eye orgasm of a movie, than A Scanner Darkly is mos def 2006’s. And although Sin was perfect from far, it was still a muss see, which is the case with Scanner. But before you invest yer rhyme and synergy, ask yoself, self, did I dig on Richie Linklater’s Dizzy Deanish talk-a-thon Waking Life? Like White Castle hamburgers, there are only two answers, yes or no, cause there aint no middle ground. So you were either mesmerized by it, or wanted to be all sick like Alex DeLarge being strapped down, viddying the unspeakable. So, if you felt a bit droogish by that eggspeareance, stay home and get a life. But if you fell under the spell, dig in, you forking drug addict.

A Scanner Darkly is another paranoid path carved out by the great Philip K Dick (Blade Runner, Total Recall, etc), yet it seems the least futuristic outta any of his stories brought to the big screen. This tale is more of a parable about drugs and society, for any day and age. The Dick-man had lost many friends to drugs, so he conjured this up as a way to preserve their memory, and to let those who live be aware of the dangers. While not all together straight-forward and coherent, which perfectly fits the brain activity of our protagonist NARC, one can’t help but being wowed at what’s going on on-screen. It’s like going to an animated art museum, sponsored by Adobe Photoshop’s filter pull-down menu. Hell, if they filmed 6 hours of a fruit bowl in that digital rotoscoping shaz, I’d still pay to see it. Luckily, the fruit bowl sits out this go around, and lets the digital scenery be chewed up by such bestness as Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr, Woody Harrelson, Slater from Dazed & Confused, and Winona Ryder, who has now replaced Harley Quinn, as the world’s sexiest digital entity that I want to penetrate. Ones and 0-HHH SSNAPPs!!!

The irony of it all is that this anti-drug film would best be enjoyed under the influence of drugs. Gawd bless America, and the fact that Linklater did this, and not School of Rock 2… yet!

Recommended for those who like: Ralph Bakshi, US patent #6061462, and dem Charles Schwab ads [via Seoul Brother #1]

Possible Porno Name: Jamming A Banana-er In Lark Voorhies‘ Lee Jeans

Unsatisfied with this? get yer OG rotoscoping jazzum on and Netflix Yellow Submarine [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘She Came in Through the Bathroom Window (rehearsal versh)’ by The Beatles (hey, who doesn’t love a don onslaught of Beatles refs?) [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Yes, the dude playing the Street Prophet, Alex Jones, was also the dude in Waking Life spouting mad isms from the PA system in his car

Next Up For A Philip K Dick Adaptation: Next, starring Nic Cage, Julianne Moore, and J Biel

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, by a nose, and by the animated boobs one gets to see

until next time the balcony is clothed…

No one has forseeneded the future more better butter than the great Arthur C Clarke. 2001: A Space Odyssey is a must read for anyone who has eyes. If you don’t have eyes, yer probably jealous of the hills, cause they have eyes, and yer probably not reading this cause u can’t and yer probably imagining how scary Lindsay Lohan’s face is, but one can’t even begin to imagine how scary it truly is unless they have eyes, or for this matter, hills. And for those with thighs, we not only salute you, but we implore you to Rendezvous with Rama. Why? Cause ACC tackles that space-age old question: BOOBS? IN SPACE????

Some women, Commander Norton had decided long ago, should not be allowed aboard ship; weightlessness did things to their breasts that were too damn distracting. It was bad enough when they were motionless; but when they started to move, and sympathetic vibrations set in, it was more than any warm-blooded male should be asked to take. He was quite sure that at least one serious space accident had been caused by acute crew distraction, after the transit of a well-upholstered lady officer through the control cabin.

from Chapter 11: Men, Women, and Monkeys

That leaves only one remaining space-age old question: will there be a History of the World Pt II, and thus… JEWS IN SPACE!?!?!?!

Art School Confidential
Good or Bad? Too Clowes To Call!
Trailer

You means to tell me that this basic milk dud of a movie came from the same very minds (Zwigoff & Clowes, which would make for the wurstest monikered law firm) that brought us the mos delicious Ghost World? It would seem more apt if this came from the minds that brought us Good Burger, or better yet, Hamburger: The Motion Picture [trailer]!! It really isn’t a total Amtrak train wreck, or even as big a wreck as Amtrak’s financials, but we the Zwigclowesians eggspect more, not bore! And since the closest any of us ever got to an art school was Claire Fisher‘s misadventures in gayville, you’d figure we’d be treated with the ultimate insider’s view, given the filmmakers’ pedigree, but NOOOOOOOO, all we get are flimsy stereotypes that any one of us coulda conjured up. Am I watching Art School Confidential or am I watching a semi-smarter Van Wilder, that happens to co-star Malkovich and my boy of boys, Jimmy Broadbent? I’ll stop there before I drop a ref to Hot Dog… The Movie, but at least Sophia Myles’ breasts were displayed… for art’s sake

[Abs Sop My]

Possible Porno Name: Hard Tool Cons The Dental Dam

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Real Genius [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘I Can See For (Sophia) Miles’ by Boris Laborde [d from BL.com]

IMDb Sweeney: Finneus Egan played the ‘vegan’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

District B13
aka Banlieue 13
Gerry-Meandering
Trailer

Ahlot like the beyond mediocre-domed Ronin, cept the thumcredible car chase in the middle is replaced by a toecredible rooftop chase scene in the beginning. And the rest, Merde A La Puissance Treize [fish that babble, ya know you want to]!

Recommended for those who like: Luc Besson’s recent ‘writing’, Luc Besson’s recent ‘producing’, and the man who basically begat the Queen Lequeefah/Jimmy Buffoon debacle known as Taxi

Possible Porno Name: Dis Dick B 13 Inches

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Running Man [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Papa t’es plus dans l’coup’ by Ludivine Sagnier [d], cause I’d rather think of her, nekkid [NSFW], then think about anything else French, besides French’s mustard

IMDb Sweeney: HA! Cyril Raffaelli, who’s one of the ‘stars’, did uncredited stunts for… RONIN!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Very Little Merit But Plenty of Merde

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

Reverend Eric Camden
committed the wurstest
sin of them all:
¡exec-producericide!
on
Aaron F. Spelling

1923-2006

pee es – lass noche @ the Bowery B-Room, Keane kicked more major glass than Major Dad kicking Major Payne’s a$$! Megbot and I totally rocked out with my cock out like I was at a cock fight with John Holmes. Ms Mod and her mum were there and they are both so modern and so was The Music Snob, although he was pretty snobby and humping everyone’s leg in sight, and Fran Healy was there too and I told him that I loved him, and Zach Braff was there too, but I didn’t talk to him, but if I did I wouldn’t have told him that I loved him, and even the great Donald Faison was there and no one was phased on as much I was, cause I had my phaser set to FUN!

i didn’t bother bringing a camera cause i knew that The Mod Squad would