Thighs Wide Shut

The Quiet
Coming Thru (My Pants) Loud And Clear
Trailer

There are only two ways I can objectively review this movie: Han Is Lee and Len Biased. And you my lucky (reuben) drones, will be treated to both

Sexual abuse within a family never makes for the mos popcorn pleasing cinema, yet The Quiet, director Jamie Babbit‘s follow up to her quirky But I’m a Cheerleader, is a pleasure to watch. Me not saying that I get my kicks outta watching a father molest her daughter to the point of her wanting to kill him, but what I is saying is that all the players involved are so darn convincing that I could overlook the student-filmish feel and pacing of the entire picture. Hell, this thing had ‘straight-to-video’ written all over it, but since it stars the hotliest screen duo of the aughts, Cuthbest/Bellebest, and not Justin Timberlake, it has a chance to strike a chord with a wide audience. And I sure hope it does. While there’s much to commend about the mannered performances of Martin Donovan, Edie Falco, and of course, one of the brightest and mos eyebrowlicious stars around, Her Eternal Royal Thighness, the real props deleon have gotta go to HRT the II, Elisha Cuthies Cuthsplurt Cuthbert. Best know for being the clueless daughter of Jack Bauer, who has been chased by everything from bears to Johnny Chase, and for her mad blue-balling of audiences everywhere in The Girl Next Door, Ms Cuthbert really hasn’t had a chance to show her true talents, outside of those who’ve seen Lucky Girl/My Daughter’s Secret Life (I’m spanking in yer direction BlogFather). As the abused and damaged gooded daughter in The Quiet, Cuthie goes the extra mile here and truly has earned the right to be called something a lil more important than a fine piece of a$$. If I’m not mistaken, I believe the industry calls such a thing an ‘actress’.

Dude, Barbara Fiorentino and Rebecca Mangieri should not only receive honorary Oscars, but the key to every Scottish city that has a loch (get it?), a parade across the entire surface of Mars complete with Shriner escorts, and the right to take a dump in any men’s bathroom they please. Why? Well, as casting directors for The Quiet, one can only a$$ zoom that these two were responsible for the mos splooge-tastic screen pairing since a bottle of champagne met with Denise Richards’ bosoms [NSFW, duhvs]: Cuthlisha Bellmilla. OH MAI FORKING LORD O MIGHTY MOUSE! Even though the two don’t lick each other, share a bath, help each other shower, help each other shave, help each other apply lotion, Cool-Whip, or WD-40 to their respective bodies, the screen sizzles whenever the two occupy the same frame. There was one shot in pardickular where the two are lying on a bed together, fully clothed, and I turned to Tom Wellington, the greatest living actor and Pat O’Brien remixer in the world, and said, ‘this is what heaven looks like.’ Juss think of it as the ultimate tease. While there’s so much dark matter being displayed on the screen, the viewer/splooger is left to create his (no ‘her’ here, unless ‘her’ licksalottapuss) own light splatter when they get home from the theater. While some may see that as a disappointment, you gotta give these young girls credit for keeping their clothes on. Cause once they head down the nekkid road, there’s no mystery left and therefore no man needs to see a movie with them in it ever again. And to make yer splatters wurst, the only yammy yams one gets to see belong to Edie Falco. I haven’t seen such sloppy jalopies like dat since Edith Wharton took her top off at that Who concert! Did I mention that when Cuthbust is not being molested by her father (and if you were her father, wouldn’t you…) she’s probably wearing a cheerleading outfit? You can’t spell ‘actress’ without ‘ass’, as in piece of. YOWZAAAAAAAA!!!

Possible Porno Name: Quite The Tit

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Woodsman [Review | Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Quiet’ by The Smashing Pumpkins [d]

IMDb Sweeney: I’m all aboard the Babbit train, hispecially if she keeps lining up the hotties. Her next pic, Itty Bitty Titty Committee, stars the Diet Coke-Starry Eyed Sirprize beaut Nicole Vicius (see bottom of posting)

Han Is Lee John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Len Biased John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): dude, do u even have to ask? Four Breasts In Show

The Quiet opens in NYC/LA this Friday
& st elsewhere st whenever

until next time the balcony is clothed…

..and hopefully next time Camish Cuthbelle will be nekkid

a far ways away from Are We There Yet?: Ice Cube, the next pimp behind the Gorillaz wheel? Speaking of the next album, are we there yet?

it’s hard to stay alive when u loathe surnames: Mako peaces the fudgie the whale out

soon to be Don’tUseMyComputer.com: donate now biznicheszz!!

three words for Cuthslpurt: sassy, modest, and 69(0)

the reason Gawd invented H₂0: Darren Aronofsky’s The Fountain

speaks the truth ruth: Orrin Hatch, natch!

way to save D Housewhores from The Nothing: sign Falkor’s sister up

Michael Jackson loses again: The Streets to release 20 minute Guinness World Record breakin music vid

the story behind those gravity-defying breasts: NSFKeeley

things to do in ’07 besides yer mother: figure out how to fly into Preston, Idaho, which is home to the Napoleon Dynamite Festival [Teen Wolff]

question I really needed answered cause I need to know how dirty my a$$ is for including her in the 1st edish of The Fap Five: how old is Emma Rigby who plays Hannah Ashworth in hollyoaks?

Chowdaheads turns 1: and the fun has juss beguns!

bestest internerd use of a Star Trek 4 ref: DoubleDumbAsOnYou.com

never get lost on the way to the Texas Cheesecake Depository again: Guide To Springfield USA [My Man Marvkus]

the truth can now be told about the yak population in Lake Lillian, Minnesota: Why are rebate checks drawn on obscure banks in the middle of nowhere?

they get their game on, yet no game for the gamiest game movie of balls thyme The Wizard?: The Electric Playground

Famicom-edy: this dude and his collection of 10,000 to 15,000 Nintendo thingies

juss in case you didn’t f&cking see it: The Big Lebowski – F&cking Short Version

potty mouthed: animated tigers teach yer kids how to poo!

NSFW: milk & cookies dookies

and

[tracklisting & full NSFWness here]

Scoop
Cup or Cone, A Tasti D-Lite!
Trailer

Scoop re-teams WoAl with his muse of the moment, ScarJo, and for this go around, the two appear together on-screen. And despite what you may think of her acting chops, the two make a purty darn good team. Wo as Splendini, aka Sid Waterman, an 8th rate Borscht Belt magician, and Scar as Sondra Pransky, the wet behind the ears (and between the thighs) budding journalism student studying abroad for the summer (man, I love studying broads!). Well, after Sondra has a run in with the spirit of recently deceased Fleet Street ace reporter Joe Strombel (Deadwood‘s Ian McShane), who literally jumps ship on the road to Hades just to let her in on the scoop of the century, odd couple WoJo/ScarAl pick up the case of Tarot Card Killer that’s currently taking London by storm. Strombel strongly bee leaves that aristocrat Peter Lyman (the sideburnless/bladeless Hugh Jackman) may actually be the killer, and the dumb-namic duo set out to prove it the only way they know how, which is by not having a clue at all. ScarJo investigates by working her way into Lyman’s pants, but of course gets more than she bargained for. As the story unfolds, we get plenty of typical Allen yuks, and an added bonus of a mystery that would even get Miss Marple‘s panties in a bunch.

You know dem ancient Greek comedy and tragedy theater masks? Well, if Woody Allen’s return to form Match Point [review] purrfectly wore the tragedy one, then Woody Allen’s return to fun Scoop mos deservedly gets to don the comedy one. Dat’s right, these two British ventures from the Woodman demonstrate back-to-back consistency goodness for the first time in over ten years, since Mighty Aphrodite followed Bullets Over Broadway. Not to say that Scoop is an all time high in his comedy cannon, but solid enuff to prove that Match Point was no fluke… and Hollywurst is hoping the same as they promote this new joint as being from the director of Match Point. What, Annie Hall holds no weight anymore?

Recommended for those who like: undercover names made up on the spot like John Cock… tos… ton, Evening Standard headlines, and General Veers/Walter Donavan/Aristotle Kristatos

Possible Porno Name: Scoop Nanny

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix His Girl Friday [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Don’t Fear The Reaper’ by Blue Öyster Cult [d or peep SNL ‘More Cowbell’ skit]

IMDb Sweeney: (correct me if I’m wrong but me thinks) Toby Jones, bestest known as the voice of Dobby the House Elf in the Potter series, and the poor fellow who has to follow Phil S Hoffman‘s incarnation of Truman Capote in Infamous, appeared in a blink and you’ll miss em cameo

Threepeat?: look for the Woodman’s across the pond success to continue with his UWASP, a tale about two brothers with serious financial woes, who turn to crime, and then turn against each other. Del joint will co-star Colin Farrell, Ewan McGregor, and Tom Wilkinson. At this rate, he’ll employ all the brightest and bestest of UK cinema. Good thing his casting peeps already had the right mind to enlist the likes of hottie Romola Garai, nottie Fenella Woolgar (‘Bestest Names Award’ namesake for our year end movie thang), and ’06 Screen Asshole Guild – Hall of Fame UK inductee, Charles ‘Lets’ Dance. One suggestion for down the road: Carey Mulligan

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Scoop opens this Friday, the 28th

until next time the balcony is clothed…

Mr Do’s

mourn the peace the fork outting of OG member and namer of Pink Floyd…

finger out who the fork this is…

for once ogle something else on Stacey Dash‘s self besides her (antonio) piercing eyes, lby way of her her Playboy spread [NSFW]

somehow take all the credit for ‘rapper'(?) Lily Allen hittin #1 on the UK Charts

celebrate The Onion‘s 10th

visit DC’s refurbbed/refabbed Donald W. Reynolds Center for American Art and Portraiture. I spent 2.5 mesmerizing hours in there, and still didn’t even get thru 1/2 o del collection! Muss c outta the bunch: Nam June Paik’s Electronic Superhighway: Continental US

hit up Charleston, SC on July 28 for Nancy O’Dell Bobblehead Night

discover the evolution of GBark’s ‘Crazy’ [Brooks Robinson] + the mash-up with ‘Steady as She Goes’ & ‘Rapper’s Delight’

stay away from summer’s big budget fiascos, and hit up the thumcredible Once In A Lifetime doc

somehow fly back during Lolla to see Body Count at NY’s Knitting Factory

ignore their stoopid drink ticket policy and the fact that the only sold 2 kinds of beer, one of them being Corona, and hit up Billyburg’s wurstest monikered outdoor house of fun, 718 B-Klyn Diner. Hownever, there is no guarantee that you will see Susan Sarandon rock out w/o Robbins as I did

Kube’s 2001, in 2001 seconds

fap to 60 years of Lois Lame

read Dan Steinberg and Desmond Bieler’s Starting Lineup article every Monday

hope Beckett heeds the werd of the Baseball Card Blog and raises the value of Topps’ 1987 set, the series I cut my collectin’ teeth on

get yer Streets re-mix & b-side galore d-lode on

find that NSFW pool party starring Rachel Leigh Cook [Step Aerobics]

watch my homegirl Kruisespanko and her mustachioed friend win dough on Cash Cab [watch]

Page Threeley [NSFW]

bookmark bebopics for all yer Potter kid candids. Juss beware of Angelica Mandy‘s eyes. They have more power than Prince Charles

steal all 5 of the top 5 stolen paintings

admire fotos by Myla I, II, III, without the use of mylar ballons [NSFW]

judge a band by its cover

enjoy really stretched snaps of Eleanor Rigby’s super-cutie gran-da Emma

Dinner In The Sky

learn how to blow perfect underwater bubble rings

Bacon Cereal

anal fist a tailpipe with numerous vegetables and other sundries

and never stop posting Zidane headbutt ani gifs (or games that are more bonk than Bonk’s Adventure)

(bi they gay, we’re are currently eggepting applications and BJs for anyone who wants to make animated gifs of the gawds like those for our thighs only. 501k, dental plan, anal plan, 365^1/4 days of vacation, EEE, ELO, EZ-E. irish need not apply.)

Mr Dont’s

listen to a limony snippet of the Killers’ new song snooze ‘When You Were Young’ [d-lode], from their new album that drops in Rocktober. Sounds like the boys have stopped ripping off every New Wave band and started to rip off themselves. Zzzzzzzzzz. Somebody wake me up when they’ve gone they way of the Strokes. The who? Eggzzzactly

watch season 4 of the The OC, cause FOX is so behind it!

wonder why the Oscars always go to the wrong people/movies

be like Florrie, the OG Jerri Blank [Pubesbower]

spend a night in Nicky’s Hilton

use the internets in Kazakhstan

buy a tent and camp out until next year for Tim Blake Nelson’s latest joint to open, starring Kate Hooraysworth & Orlando Boo

watch reruns of Roseanne, despite the fact that ‘Corn’ (the vegetable) is shown or mentioned in every episode [imdb vis Menyinc]

d-lode Gene Rayburn wallpapers

push the ‘push to walk’ button

read AA comic strips

hire Clithero as your moving co

drive drunk & masturbate after a T-Wolves game [SFW watch]

and buy these phallic ice cream cones for yer Asian daughters [WTFOMGZ, DUHVS]