Thighs Wide Shut

In life, as the Grail Knight sagely and parsley sez, we muss choose, but we muss choose wisely. For if we choose poorly, we may end up like ye olde Walter Donovan, but if we choose wisely, we can led a happier, healthier life wealthier wife into leaving all her ducats in our name when she decides to kick the charlie bucket. Since we don’t advocate sugarmommying and/or murder, we want to help you choose quality TV shows that will not only waste your time, but you thyme AND your rosemary as well!

I’m sure about .000000001% of you subscribe to Showtime. And if you do fall under that minority then I’m sure yer already thoroughfarely enjoying The Tudors. If not, then you should be either beheaded or have a sixth finger sewn onto your left hand like the great Tyrone Rugen or Anne Boleyn, who’s totally been hottied up for our benefit (see above). C’mon yolks, is there anything besterer than Jonathan Rhys Meyers gaying it up as Henry the VIII? What if I told you that there’s plenty o’ boobs, butts AND that dude from Clear and Present Danger? I can already hear you dialin up yer cable co and adding on Showtime now! OK, so Showtime shows the wurstest movies of balls thyme, but they also got Weeds and Dexter, they boths busters my poin!

Lookin for something a lil less royal, but still with plenty o’ cheese (not to be confused with Plenty O’Toole)? Thought so you stoopid fargin icehole!!! That’s why the genius cockmuffins over at DIC invented the bestest Saturday morn thang since the Pac-Man cartoon: Dance Revolution. This show is aimed at gettin lazy arsed tweens off the couch and shakin their booty, but like Invisible Ink, this shiz is beyond suitable for anyone aged 12 to 112! Hosted by speed freak Brit DJ Rick (he looks like the bastard son of James Burke and Jarvis Cocker), DR pits dance duos against each other for phat scholarship monies. What, did I lose ya at tweens? What if I told you that the guest judges, including this d-bag, are more ghetto than the Ghetto Revival? Or that they teach you moves that are more right than if they were choreographed by Craig T Nelson? I still don’t gots ya? OK, this is the final bendy straw: The NY Times worthy Slumber Party Girls, SPG for short, provide all the hot tunes for the show. Never heard of them? That’s the club that I was in 2 months ago before I got hooked on their fun, refarted and darn right catchy Mccathyson ditties. There’s a lota payolacrapola on the radio, and if people love that shaz, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t heart the SPGers. I hate all that other Fergie crap, but I loves me that SPG album. Hell, you can get yer own used copy, and the shipping will cost more than the actual disc!

SPG’s ‘Make A Wish‘ [d]

boo-nus

‘Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme‘, sung by Bill Murray [d]

[rsgsgguskind]
For butter or for wurst, Coney Island is changing. Astroland opened its amusement park for it’s last season ever yesterday, before some jerko co named Thor Equities turns it and a bunch of other bits of the CI into a year round Times Square on the Beach, complete with hotels, condos, and other things mondo (be sure to czech out these banana plans for redevelopment here). However, the famed and muss ride before you die coaster The Cyclone will live on. Same goes for the Wonder Wheel, although who knows what will become of the rest of Deno’s park, Shoot The Freak, or the horrid eateries that reside on the boardwalk. Some shiz is already gone. I almost cried AND died when I saw this

[classsssicgirrrrl]
Since the future’s picture is so darn cloudy, I’m having a hard time forming an opinion. Like Michael Scott, I see this as a lose/lose, win/lose, compromise, win/win, and win/win/win [from episode ‘Conflict Resolution’ + vid bonus]. Boviously, when old things get torn down, and bits of history become history, it can’t be a good thing. However, lettuce be honest here folks, it’s not like all of these spots are worth saving. Coney Island has been kickin it as a destination for fun since the mid to late 1800s (that’s 19th century for you history buffs!), and hit it’s peak in the ’40s

But most of that ancient goodness has already disappeared. The things most worth saving are still and will be around for generations to come. And besides the Wonder Wheel & the Cyclone, every other ride is a bunch of unfun crap from the 60s on. While Astroland’s dumpiness certainly adds ‘charm’ to the area, I can’t say that I’ll really miss it when it’s gone. Then again, who knows what they’ll be replacing it with, but I hope for the best, as I prepare for the wurst. So before anything drastically changes for good, I’ll be Coney Island/Stillwell Avenue bound and gagged as many times as times allow. See you there for the Nathan’s diarrhea, the world’s bestest coaster, or maybe even for the sloppiest-jaloopiest boobies!

Stay on top of the hot CI action by czeching out Save Coney Island• & Kinetic Carnival early and often!

The Lookout
Blind, Def & Fun
Trailer

If you asked me boint plank who my mos flavorite actor going these days be, I wouldn’t flinch for a second as I rolled the hyphenated bestness of Joseph Gordon-Levitt off my tongue. I never cared for 3rd Rock or care to see Angels in the Outfield or 10 Things I Hate About Jews, but after takin in his (shoulda been Oscar nominated) explosive turn as a teen hustler in Mysterious Skin [TWS.org mini review] and his ace high school Sam Spade role in Brick [TWS.org review] I was all about the JG-L. Well, I’m schlappy to report that his latest, the Memento-lite Lookout, is right on par with those other two eye-opening films. The Lookout is nothing revolutionary, but the strong supporting cast (mainly I speak of JGF-L’s blind BFF Jeff Daniels… who is slowly becoming a Thigh flavorite as well, hispecially after The Squid & The Whale) and solid script help make screenwriter Scott Frank(Out of Sight/Minority Report)’s directorial debut one to watch

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix another Alar Kivilo cinematographed joint like A Simple Plan [trailer]

Possible Porno Name: The Cock’s Out

Apt MPupil3: BRMC‘s ‘Shuffle Your Feet’ [d] from their vastly underplayed Howl disc

IMDb Sweeney: Director Frank wrote the episode of the Wonder Years where Kevin endlessly wusses over calling hottie Lisa Berlini, juss one of a zillion Wonder Fappers

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers••

Rental Round Up(dog): Underseen Federico Diaz Edish

Harsh Times [Trailer]
& Havoc [Trailer]

•Although Joseph Gordon-Levitt co-stars in Havoc, documentarian Barbara Kopple‘s fictional look at stoopid SoCal wiggers… aka the flick where Anne Hathaway & Bijou Phil’s boobs are abound, this space is not dedicated to him, but to Six Feet Under‘s Freddy Rodríguez, who’s great work in that film and in Harsh Times, David Ayer‘s directorial debut that basically takes his Training Day script and replaces Denzel with Patrick Bateman, has gots to be recognized. It’s unfortch that both of these films didn’t make much of a splash upon their releases cause they’re far superior showcases of his talents than the blah roles he was given in Bobby, Poseidon and Lady In The Water. But if for some reason, and I sure hope it doesn’t, this acting bit doesn’t work out he could always falls back on The Diaz Family Mortuary

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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all hail the side boob until May 18th, when Cuthies Cuthbert Cuthbest’s Captivity opens in limited theaters!! Here’s a quasi-trailer of the film which is basically Kim Bauer Gets Tortured for 96 Hours!

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but when all is said and nora and warrick dunn, will dirty pressed boobs end up being the old on fire sweaty blog boobs?