Thighs Wide Shut

The Illusionist
Eat Yer Fart Out Doug Henning
Trailer

Tis about butt stankin time somone cast Jessica Biel in a real motion picture. I mean her only worthwhile credit before this was striking gold with the much honored, much snoozerificness of Ulee. In between the two it’s been nuttin but dreck (Stealth [TWS review]) upon dreck (Summer Catch) upon dreck (Blade: Trinity). I wouldn’ta been sirprized if her next project was called Dreck The Halls With Balls of Biel. Yet being cast in a real movie doesn’t always translate into a breakout performance, as is the case here with The Illusionist. Although Biel’s Sophie is a major character and plot point of the movie, she doesn’t have much to do besides smile and occasionally wear a dope a$$ satin red cloak. Hell, if they’re gonna give her lil to nothing to do, she should at least be in those scenes with lil to nothing on! Maybe her break out (or bustin out… of clothing) will take hold with her Next project (pun mos def intended, jerk!).

The lack of Biel meat is just one aspect as to why The Illusionist is merely entertaining, and not a thumcredible piece of cinema. The story about a traveling magician (a very hairy Edward Norton) who wows every audience eggcept that of the crown prince of Austria (bestest screen arsehole/poor man’s Jude Law, Rufus Sewell) doesn’t eggzactly wow us either. If they didn’t throw in that whatever twist at the end, I probably woulda picked up garbage from the theater’s floor and flung it at the screen. I don’t really understand why The Illusionist didn’t live up to it’s potential. How could they not pull a Ulee with a bearded up Paul Giamatti emoting his motes in front of one of the year’s finest set designs mees has seen? I dunno. Maybe it was all an illusion!!!

Recommended for those who like: David Brent’s training day facilitator from Episode 4, the Handlebar Club, and the kickin clothes of the Five Chinese Brothers

Possible Porno Name: The Ill Na Na-usionist

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix director Neil Burger’s udderly fascinating first feature Interview with the Assassin [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Abracadabra’ by The Steve Miller Band [d]

IMDb Sweeney: in the span of 4 years, character actor/THAT GUY Eddie Marsan has worked with Mike Leigh, Terrence Malick, Alejandro González Iñárritu, Michael Mann, and Martin Scorsese. Eggspect the Man from Mars to show up in even more hotness for years to come

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next time the balcony is clothed…

Looks like someone went to hell and back yesterday…

[UMC]

Yes, I finally updated the right side of this site. And yes, Brooklyn Vegan has moved inches away from dethroning the World Beard & Mustache Championships for the top spot in my (lynx) heart (sorry Grambs, but u juss don’t post often enuff to keep atop my ATP rankins, all dough, So Dark The Con Of Vanegas is a klassic with a k, but not as classic as the Kostars(Luscious Jackson side project)’s Klassics with a K)! I mean, I check no site more often than the BV, even if he keeps turning down my offers for free bacon cheeseburgers, and without him, I wouldn’t know which bands I’m going to miss at the Siren Fest cause I’ll be too busy trying to work off dem junk food calories at the batting cages. Besides, praying to the guy who really hates foie gras, u’all should give some love to the new links in the cellar, hispecially my boy and king of thighly contributions, Zach de La Roachlip, who doesn’t care for what’s above, cause he’s all about DEATH FROM BELOW

Keanu, ready for the girl of his Reeves! Woooah!

Any Air news is… AIR NEWS!!!

Fiddler tips us to the trailers for Woody Allen’s 2nd adventure in Britannia and the Wicker Man remake mistake. First off, is there anything the Fiddler hasn’t tipped us to these days? And secondly, I’ll cut off yer johnsons, but not nearly as much as the whole One Day In September/Munich shaz, if you don’t Netflix the original Wicker Man, NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

What’s the bestest thing Brittany Murphy has appeared in since Clueless? Her and Paul Oakenfold’s ‘duet’, ‘Faster Kill Pussycat’ [vid]. Personally, I think Oaky as found the winning recipe for Murphy tolerance: limit her to 3 1/4 minutes of air time!

Korhneiser, talksin bout Ricky Williams’ defection to Canaduh, and what it sez on the ‘plaque’ of the CFL, ‘Give us you tired, you poor, and your whizzinators, and Lazarus‘ So tell me again why aren’t you DVRing the best darn sports show MT EVERwood?

Skeeter, I hearts you like mad (cow disease spread all over Hitler’s mother’s vagina), but if I can’t get thru Horton Hears a Who!, how the hell am I gonna get thru yer 6,079 worded behemoth of a post?

13 Memorably Unpopular Characters From Popular TV

Taking a dump, in FLIPBOOK mode!!

Catputer!!!

Dungeon Escape!!!!

Photographs of Harry Enfield!!!!!

For Sale: Judah Friedlander’s microwave!!!!!!

“Пока смерть не разлучит нас” похоже устарело:) Японские “трупы” женяться (8 фото)!!!!!!!

and triple peace the fork out goes to Space Ghost, the 19th 5th Beatle, and some Egyptian actress!!!!!!!!

The Heart of the Game
Nuttin But Net
Trailer

Two miraculous things happened right before my very own eyes. The first is that I saw people clapping and rooting loudly at a taped basketball game on film like they were in Vega$ for the NCAA Tourney. The second is that I lived after watching 102 minutes of women’s basketball, which is 9.27272727(repeated) times more minutes than when I watched the Lady Terps triumph over the Duke Rapists, which was the first time I watched women’s b-ball since my Rocket Pride Rocket Power days. That right there should tell you there’s sum-tang quite special about The Heart of the Game, the captivating and truly heartwarming doc about a UW taxation teacher (who could pass for any pudgy bearded teacher with a great dry wit that you may have had), who decides to give high school basketball coaching a try, and the girls who’s lives and figures he shapes over the course of a handful of seasons. While not as epic and stu-pen-dis as Steve James’ slam dunk, it’s still worthy of being dubbed by meself: Hoopette Dreams.

That brief but summationious summary pretty much sums it up, so now I’d like to take the opportunity to pass along a note to any aspiring documentarian, or filmmaker for that splatter: please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please STOP SHOOTING ON Digital Video. Sure, no budget cinema was cool for all of 10 minutes in the mid to late 90’s (see 10 minutes and then some of T Vinterberg’s mid to late 90’s Dogme95-a-thon The Celebration), but enuff already. Slain and pimple, movies shot on DV look like crap, or like a real film that’s been shat upon and then taken to the dry cleaners who try their best but still can’t get the shat upon stains out. Look, I know film stock is eggspensive as hellz, but it’s worth it. So do whatever you have to do, sell yer dad’s sperm, yer mum’s eggs, and yer brother’s worthless unopened boxes of 1990’s Pro Set NFL cards, but stop torturing my eyes. Plus, film is forever, and digital video is fornever, or maybe even for Fenella Woolgar

Recommended for those who like: Christopher Brian Bridges‘ vox, Jimi Hendrix and Quincy Jones’ high school, and the second ever female Harlem Globetrotter

Possible Porno Name: I Heart-On Your Gams and Yams

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix last year’s DV wunderkind Murderball [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor [d]

IMDb Sweeney: someone by the name of The Angel not only scored this film, but also worked some of dat magic for Boiler Room (REMEMBER THE MUSIC??? neither do I). Anywho, I have the feeling that she may be related to Drexl Spivey, but then again, I’ve been known to make mistakes, from time to time

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): A doc that works = Breast In Show

Opens this Friday in NY/LA, and elsewhere whenever LOSERS

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

Akeelah and the Bee
Spell On Earth
Trailers

Outta all the modern spelling movies I’ve seen (Spellbound/On Your Knees Season) and filmed entertainments involving the Spelling clan, letter for letter, Akeelah is the grand prize trophy winner of them all, in my mind, and mos importantly, in my heart. Sure, the outcome is a tad predictable (I mean, isn’t a child gunning down all over her classmates with an uzi so passé these days?), but the journey that Akeelah takes from reluctant speller to outright queen of the alphabet had me at ‘can I have the word’s origin, please?‘ I’m a sucker, of and for many things (like large cock lollipops), but hispecially for franztastic heartwarming stories about overcoming odds in the least likely of places. There is not one negative thing I could say about this, cept I was crying so dang much, that I think I lost most of my street cred that day. Everyone involved is the knees forkin BEEs, from our lil hero-ette Akeelah (Keke Palmer), to her feisty mentor (Laurence Fishburne, sportin a killah beard, yo!), to her widowed mother (Angela Bassett), to her rival’s asshole father (Jack Bauer’s wurst nightmare), to even her pal of princes principal, played by the one and only Booger, who’s single-handedly having one the bestest, mos quietest career resurrections since Jesus Christ joined the Steppenwolf Theater Co. ABCee this now!!! You won’t be disappointed. Trust me, or e-a-t s-h-i-t a-n-d d-i-e!!

Recommended for those who like: Crabman, Scrabble (or even Yahoo!’s ghetro version Literati), and movies funded by overpriced disgusting coffee

Possible Porno Name: Akili Smith and Deez Nuts On His Tonsils

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Stand And Deliver [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘No Rain’ by Blind Melon [d] cause of the bee girl in their vid

IMDb Sweeney: Todd Wagner, Mark Cuban‘s producing partner, makes his acting debut here as the Regional Bee assistant judge. And cause I know you wanna know, Mark Cuban has appeared in 2 movies, and THREE episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): do I have to SPELL it out for you? Breast In Show, yo!

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

How did Resident Bush react to Stephen Colbert’s roast-tissere?

What do the new Radiohead tunes sound like?

Who ironically does 2-D(amon Albarn) want to duet with on the next Gorillaz album?

Where can you see a sheetload of beards and ‘staches in the NYC area?

When one sees something odd coming outta Japan, can we still blame Hiroshima? [NSFW via Marwanicur]

&

Why does it always rain on me? [d]