Thighs Wide Shut

1. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

– $30 million (NEW) – Apparently Ben Stiller’s wife/Melody from Hey Dude is slowly building up an impressive comedic resume: The Brady Bunch Movie(s), The Wedding Singer, and now this? I may have to remove my jihad on Vince Vaughn movies and czech it out.

2. The Terminal – $18.7 million (NEW) – Senor Spielbergo, yer f-in lucky you landed two thumps up from Fatman and Closet-Gaydawg, cause I hear this movie causes terminal illness from all the Velveeta cheese oozing from the script. I mean, if yer gonna throw Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-Omega-Phi-Slamma-Jamma into the mix, at least make her do a dance with tassels on her ta-tatties.

3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – $17.4 million ($190 million) – After my Lebowski filled weekend, I just realized that Professor Lupin is the same guy as Knox Harrington, the guy with a cleft a$$hole.

4. Shrek 2 – $13.6 million ($378 million) – What’s green, messy, and isn’t really funny? Shrek and a case of the green apple splatters.

5. Garfield: The Movie – $11 million ($42 million) – Jennifer Love Twotits, time to give up on the whole acting thang and start stripping for cash.

6. The Stepford Wives – $9.2 million ($39.4 million) – Nothing is sacred anymore. Expect a Gus Van Suchs shot-by-shot remake of Citizen Kane starring Casey Affleck in years to come.

7. The Chronicles of Riddick – $8.3 million ($41 million) – Me buddy Mark w/ a ‘c’ came up with a great project for Sir Triple X-meathead: Vin Diesel and Jim Caviezel in Van Gogh’s Easel.

8. The Day After Tomorrow Never Knows – $7.5 million ($166.7 million) – Roland Emmerich directed his first film Franzmann with some dude named Oswald von Richthofen. Ossie went on to do nothing but bang chicks cause of his ultra-fly name.

9. Around the World In 80 Days– $6.8 million ($9 million) – With such a strong start as the at the box office on its first weekend, they should have no problem recouping the $110 million they spent on it. Could this be one of the biggest failures that I will probably never see since Wild Wild West?

10. Troy $1.7 million ($128.9 million) – I can’t wait til Troy gets bounced from this list next week cause I’m running outta material. I Image.Googled the word “troy” and this is the best picture I could find.

Wham!

– It’s official, The Sopranos are back from the dead. Or more like back with the dead. Finally, something actually happened on the show and I’m not talking about some fat dude getting head in a parking lot. I kept pleading for more whackings per episode, but my confidant Dicky Greenleaf/Mr. Pibbums told me that’s not what the show is about. Me was like, me don’t care, more whackings!! They’re in the mob. Mob = whackings, end of f-in story. Well, the writers stashed away their Annette Bening/horse fetishes and got back to the whacking!! And as eggspected, the family whacked-a-mole, who’s name be Adrianna. Don’t worry folks, she’s going to be reincarnated as Joey’s sister on the Friends spin-off. With this and last week’s whacking of Sherry Palmer on 24 I haven’t seen something this shocking, this lurid on television, since the series premiere of The Mullets on UPN. With one episode left, all hell is about to break loose like a girl turning 16. Too bad season numero seis doesn’t air until 2006!! By then Lindsay Lohan will be turning 20, the major awards will be handed out the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Berlin, and Greece still won’t be ready for the 2004 Summer Games.

– The word vulva.

– The Streets’ new album, A Grand Don’t Come for Free, is mos def worth picking up. Normally you’d think that 50 minutes of a guy just talking about fish and chips and getting ripped wouldn’t be all that amusing, but some how Mike Skinner pulls it off. What was known as “spoken word” has now become “blogging over phat beats”.

– Ponch still cares about highway safety! And what have you done for me lately Larry Wilcox?

– For 16 days in February ’05, Reichstag wrapper, and MC, Christo and his bizatch, Jeanne-Claude, will be bringing their long gestating dream art project to Central Park. 7,500 Gates, 16 feet high each, will be built and follow the edges of 23 miles of footpaths. If yer Wes Craven for mo information about this massive undertaking, I’d suggest you head on over to the best art museum this side of the globe, The Met.

– This guy also enjoys hot chicks, but he happens to have more time on his hands then me.

– Props to Marty Score and his The Last Temptation of (the) Christ. It wasn’t as well directed as Mel Gibson’s overblown snuff film, but he did let Jesus rock out with his coccyx out and bang a hooker… no seriously, and he even had children and broke-danced for shekels! Le only down side to the movie was what me and Wannamaker dubbed, one of the worst casting decisions ever: Harvey Keitel as Judas.

– I’m an Airhead and you will be one too after checking out the French duo’s KCRW session on LA. F-in mint.

– Napoleon Dynamite is the breast comedy I have seen since The Big Lebowski and Rushmore. It is that good. I took in my second free screening on Sunday and I intend to attend a 3rd.

For those of you non-believers, I urge you to go. I’m going to urge overkill you so much that I’m even offering up 5 free passes (that’ll admit two each) to a NY screening on Thursday, June 10th. Be one of the first 5 to email me and the passes are yers. And if you don’t like it, the Thigh Master will give you yer money back… And remember, a vote for Pedro is a vote for your wildest dreams!

– Waste yer time with this suckers.

– First there was You’re The Man Now Dog, now there’s this Milton Waddamsism. [Link via Shady Harry’s Son]

Bam!

– Wanna buy a used Arnold Schwarzenegger cough drop? Too late. Now get yer ass to Mars.

– Puff Daddy cares. No, he really does. My girl the Garvester weighs in on his politcal ambitions.

– Have you seen the new GI Joe Spy Troops cartoon movie yet? Don’t. Unless of course you don’t want to save whatever’s left of your precious childhood memories that George Lucas and his new Star Warses haven’t already urinated on. It looks like 3rd-rate Pixar animation meets The Lawnmower Man‘s long outdated virtual reality.

– For some odd reason, I was drawn back into The Whitney to get one last bad look at their forgettable Biennial. No change in opinion. Modern art can lick my chode. Note to Whitney: drop the pretentious crap and photos of guys’ shlongs and buy some more Edward Hoppers! Hop to it.

– I saw all of about 12 minutes of something with a Philip Glass score called Naqoyqatsi. I felt like I was walking through The Whitney again. My eyes can only take so much Clockwork Orange style torture. I was cured alright.

– So if there’s a 3-D church online, when’s the first synagogue being posted? I always need an eggcuse to eat virtual pigs in a blanket and rock out to “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge or “Celebration” by Kool And The Gang.

Thank You Cannes!

– The French gave us the Statue of Liberty and a kind of toast. They also handed out the prestigious Palme d’Or (aka, the top prize) of the Cannes Film Festival to Michael Moore for his revealing documentary about the Bushes, Fahrenheit 9/11. I wonder if he’ll have trouble finding a US distributor now. Czech out Ebert’s report of the festivities here.

– Searching for the ultimate LL boob pic? Search no further and click me now. As to the authenticity of the photo, Da Fake Detective (fake-detective.com) was quoted on el f.u.b.a.r., “If it’s a fake, I can see no true signs of fakery.” Case closed. Now we just have to find out if dem babies is real!

– The Siren Festival just got a lil louder. And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, Mission Of Burma, Electric Six, Vue, and The Thermals have been added to the already stellar line-up. See you on the Boardwalk… juss stay away from me and my Nathan’s corn dog farts. [Buzz right back at cha ProductChopNyc]

– Havana, Rio de Janeiro, Istanbul, and Leipzig have all been eliminated as Summer Olympic 2012 candidates. Like any of them had a friggin chance against the five final heartbeats: Paris, New York, Moscow, London, and Madrid. Note to IOC: please don’t bring the Olympics to our already smelly/busy/crazy/beautiful city. Unless hot dog eating becomes an event.

– Texas has the finest instruments and education… a student dares another student into drinking chemicals. I wonder what would have happened if he just choose the “Physical Challenge“?

– Willie Hung hung high above the Backstreet Boys, Lenny “Un-Original” Kravitz, and many others as the Wango Tango On-Air Festival headliner. Seriously, when’s this joke going to end? He’s already surpassed his 15 minutes of fame by about 30 minutes!

– Finally, my father, Thigh Master The I, is the f-in man. Not only does he rock the beard like no other, but he always gives back to the community.

He hid me in a cellar and has declared a coup d’etat on my blog. He harms animals and despises sausage. Have a great weekend, folks!

staches forever

Note: man pictured above is not man who hijacked this site.

One day my beard will look as cool as this

I’m usually an opening weakend kinda guy, but I was mos def not going to be camping out for Kill Bill: Volume 2 after the stinkbomb that was Volume 1 (Lucy Liu, no plot, pointless violence, and Lucy Liu). So mees finally stepped away from the computer for 3+ hours and got my a$$ to the theater to see the second round. And to me sir prize, Volume 2 was not only not awful, but 2,143,823,714,897,328 times better than the first one. It’s not on par Q’s Plop Friction or even Reservoir Diz-awgs, but what can be? It’s like Orson Welles and the Citizen Kane syndrome; everything after that is bound to not be as good. I mean one of Orson’s last credits was providing the voice of Unicron in Transformers: The Movie! Anywho, here are the highlights & lowlights:

– The revenge plot is still kinda straight fwd and borrrring, but FINALLY, we got the background stories on the characters. I actually cared for them instead of hoping they all would die.

– It seems the only one who can get great performances out of Michael Madsen is Tarantino. I was a lil pissed off that he wasn’t drinking a soda out of a straw and tearing a guy’s ear off, but you can’t win them all.

– The RZA’s score is um-f-in-credible. There was some Mobyesque mash up of the Zombie’s killer tune, “She’s Not There”.

– Daryl Hannah is crazy hot again!!! Probably cause she went on MTV’s I Want A Famous Face and told em to maker her over, Romijn-formerly-Stamos style.

– Less action and more talking is actually a good thing.

– We finally learn the Bride’s name. Now that I know, I’m wondering why they fudge they bleeped it out in the first place. It doesn’t add much to the story. Whatevs.

– Why cast a little girl who can’t act, if you can get Dakota Fanning.

– The credits weren’t as pretentious as Vol 1’s. I would have cut my eyes out if I saw “The Fourth.2 Film by Quentin Tarantino” on the screen.

– With this to his credit, Samuel L. Jackson has now appeared in more movies than Mc Donalds has served people.

– David Carradine has the coolest voice ever. He can sell me shit in a bag if he wanted to.

Thanks GAD there wasn’t two of these shit stains!!

Final point: Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2 is to movies as Guns N’ Roses’ Use Your Illusion I & II is to music. Why overdue it with two, when one would suffice? Cut the crap and create one masterpiece. I mean, did the world really need two versions of “Don’t Cry”? Btw, worst/best G N’ R song ever, “Garden of Eden”