Thighs Wide Shut

The Squid and The Whale
A Divorce Is a Divorce, Of Course, Of Course!
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Bar none, one, of, THE, best, films, I, have, seen, all year!!! Everything about TS&TW is so darn commendable, that I’d almost offer a money-back guarantee, but alas I am semi-funemployed, and can’t even keep up with my own Magic Shell addiction. As with the Constant Gardner, this is ‘purty much as perfect as perfect can get‘. The only blip on the radar of negativity is that the ending may be a bit too unfulfilling for some. But everything else is more gold than a Simon Ammann ski jumping celebration (sorry, but I could not find the video of him yelping ‘YAAA GOLD!!’), hispecially: Jeff Daniel’s beard, Anna Paquin reprising her 25th Hour role, William Baldwin as a philistine, Jesse Eisenberg’s awkward relationship with Sophie Greenberg and her freckles, Jesse Eisenberg criticizing books he’s never read, Jesse Eisenberg thievery of Pink Floyd, Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates’ son sorta paying homage to Judge Reinhold’s self-reliefdom in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (I think they even used the same Cars song, but don’t quoth me raven on that), being shot on location in the Slope (former home to the Thigh Master for 2 years), the cast’s vibrant wardrobe that any hipster would DIY for, and mos importantly, a killer killer killer soundtrack that is killer. I know the info I’ve supplied isn’t much to go on, but yer gonna have to truss me and the Rotten Tomato meter on this one.

Recommended for those who like: parking in Park Slope, Ilie Nastase, and things that are Kafkaesque

Possible Porno Name: The Squid IN The Whale

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Royal Tenenbaums, which is =ally as brills, but more of a unrealistic, idealized TS&TW with Adidas track suits

Further Fun: visit the real squid and the whale

Bee Season
Wabbit and Duck Season Have Some Competition!!
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If yer looking for a simple heartwarming story about kids, parents, and the ultimate goal of winning large at the Scripps Howard Spelling Bee, then feel free to czech out Spellbound, or hold off, if you can, for Akeelah. But if you desire something a bit more complex and spellbinding (had to use it cause it’s kinda punny), then get yer a$$ to the theater and see Bee Season. The bees here serve as a backdrop for the real drama, a gorgeous family on the surface who’s slowly being torn apart by favoritism, kleptomania, and religion. And what a family it is, consisting of pushy Jewish mysticism professor Richard Gere (doing his usual great work as… Richard Gere), his distant and delusional wife Juliette Binoche (who I always get confused with Julia Ormond, who did appear in First Knight with Gere-head), their heavily eyebrowed lost souled son Max ‘Anthony’ Minghella, and the queen bee glue who keeps them all together, Flora Cross, who chips in the greatest child performance I’ve seen since Dakota’s work in I Am Sam. To BEE bluntly honest, I wasn’t eggspecting much from a movie all about a lil cleft-chinned girl and the letters that spewed from her mouth. So it came to me as a great sirprize that we not only get the pronunciation, definition, use in a sentence, and the language origin of words, but how they define us as who we are and our place in universe. Did I mention that Kate Booozeworth is it and it doesn’t B-L-O-W?

Recommended for those who like: kaleidoscopes, Joe Isuzu in Airplane, and Kabbalah, without all that infedel Madonna red string bs

Possible Porno Name: On Your Knees Season

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Pi

Further Fun: How well can you spell? + IMDB ruins the ending of the movie by simply listing the cast and the roles they played

The Passenger
Stop This Train, I Want To Get Off
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After taking in this udder borefest, where I witnessed three old ladies walk out, while crust was forming over my eye lids, all I can say is WHY WAS THIS SNOOZE-O-RAMA WORTHY OF A RE-RELEASE? Sure, it’s got Jack right in the prime of his career, and sure it was helmed by the dude that brought us Blow-Up, but isn’t that one of the most overrated movies you’ve ever did done seen with a hyphen in it? So sayeth me!! And I still can’t believe how uninteresting it was considering the plot revolved around Jack switching identities with a dead man, assuming his role as an arms dealer, while running all over the most scenic parts of western Europe, and finding time to fall in love with a free spirited gal. But all of that is lilo and stitched together with zero suspense, zero thrills, zero chills, and zero NOTHING… not even enuff nudity to make any movements in yer pants!! And don’t even get me started on that much ballyhooed 7-minute tracking shot that closes the movie. It is mos def technically brilliant, but like the movie as a whole, is juss so darn gratuitous and pointless. I agree with the old dude who sat behind me as the closing credits started to roll, ‘Thank gawd.’

Recommended for those who like: Antonio Gaudi, that evil dude from Beverly Hills Cop, and that hairy bizatch Brando poon-tangoed with in Paris [NSFW]

Possible Porno Name: The Passage-intomyanus-r

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Talented Mr Ripley

Further Fun: Top 5 Tracking Shots

…until next time, the balcony is clothed

Can someone please explain to me why t.A.T.u. aren’t bigger than Jesus Christ or at least Christ…opher Makepeace? I mean, Sting bassed it up for em, Bryan Adams shot them, they made love to the bat cave in their next vid, they have partied with the anti-Christ, they have the best album of the YEAR (sadly, I’m not joking), and most importantly, they know how to smile and point at pieces of paper on a door!!!

• If 52 is the new 56, then ’05 muss be the new ’91. Whether yer a believer or not, the Skins is are back, and so is Mark Brunell, who can now actually complete a pass over 7 yards. I’ll be at the Giants/Skindawgs game Sunday, wearing my jersey proud. Hopefully I won’t get raped in the bathroom, cause I only liked to get raped in NY.

• Not like I needed another reason to visit the UK in the name of Stanley Kubrick. Location, location, locations.

• One, two, three, peace the fork out Gordon Lee. Three, four, five, look at him jive… or not

• So when is Jesus coming to Misshapes?

• How do you like yer bearded clams in Vega$, teaserriffic or slutty to the bone? [via future wing eating champ, Made of Brawn-steen]

• Knowing this, is it safe to say that during the Super Bowl when Homer and co broke out of jail to the sweet sounds of Blur’s ‘Song 2’ (that’s the ‘Wooooooo Whooooo’ song for u idjiots) was the best moment of the decade?

• What the spell happened to that 3am white chick, and how come the other 3am white chick got a new pic, but the black 3am chick didn’t?

• My ye olde porn factory of a company are gonna be the first to offer anime on the new video thIghPod. And this can mean only one thing!!! (notice how they share my sense of humor, but not love of Good Humor ice cream products)

• Is it week 45 yet?

• Could a human swing through the jungle on vines?

• Er, um, uh, ah, eh, what?

• And remember WENN Amy Locane? She was the smoking hot chick in Cry-Baby and that smoking hot chick on Melrose Place. Well, she hasn’t completely fallen off the face of the earth like dirty woman, the Monkee heir, and the girl next door who believed the boy next door was a boy who could fly, but she hasn’t eggzactly had the career path that many of us hoped she woulda had. While I’m glad I found numerous pics of her nekkid and touching herself on the interwebs, I kinda cry like a baby for what coulda been. Oh well, I guess woman naked on horse juss doesn’t scream Oscar… juss my name, over and over, when I massurbate to that image…

While the rest of you fools are munchin on carpet and drinkin gin and jews, some of us good Semitic peeps are atoning for our sins. Some of us probably need to fast for a lil bit longer than a day to make up for all the evil m-batin’ sin shiz that we didage this previous year. Anywho, for those takin part, I bid you a

• Got yerself some White Sox fever? Then get yerself some of this rare Cliff Engle sweater hotness

• The VV dubs BV Best Blog for Knowing What Scenester Concerts to Avoid Every Night… congrats, I guess

• The Harriet And George Letters

• Where were these guys on Rocktober 1st?

• A-Z of Fake schools… what, no love for the Horny Toads of Olde Tex from the Anthony Michael Hall mastercheese Johnny Be Good?

• Jake’s related to Art? Well I guess it’s time I outted myself as a distant cousin of Shelly Winters

• What’s the purpose of the little pocket in the right front pocket of jeans? The answer MAY juss sirprize you!

• Do “close door” buttons on elevators ever actually work? The answer(s) will PROBABLY not sirprize you

• Free passes to Harold Ramis’ latest attempt at comedy

• Bright Feet Lighted Slippers… thanks, but I like my feet dumb

• Star Wars: The Forgotten Force Customizing Group… I’m a big fan of Bespin Guard series

• Gallery of Bellydancing Librarians… makes me all gooey decimal system [Popbiatch]

• Paris Hilton Screwing [SFW]

• Never forget: Joe Namath drunk and trying to get his groove back like Stella [video]

• And enuff with you nay-sayers, cause SBREAM (side boobs rule everything around me)

frynally, some news of the utz mos importance…

• By the gay 2, Boof from Teen Wolf is in no way related to Shia or anyone else of the LaBeouf Tang Clan

• Janet Jackson. NSFW. Non-Super Bowl related. Sorta hactually beatoffable, unlike these sweet talian hams. Click now.

• On Dec 1st, The White Stripes will boldly go where no band has performed before: The Daily Show wit Jon Stewart. Maybe they’ll do something special like wear orange and purple… or talk about their upcoming Michel Gondry directed video featuring Conan O’Best (?)

• Belated but, no more $40 a lay for the former Ms Ray

• Somehow Brett Ratner will fuck this up

• Did you know that Monks Diner in Seinfeld is the same place as Tom’s Diner in Suzanne Vega’s world? [via the Vega]

• The Flash 6-Disc DVD Box Set be coming in early ’06. Don’t all pre-order it at once or the world’s computers may all implode. [via Pakula Shaker]

• Field Day founder/perennial loser, Andrew Dreskin finally succeeded at something… even if that something is really nothing important

• Soccer Wives and Girlfriends [via Double V]

• I swear that I had nothing to do with these Hasselhoff photoshoppings from hell

• Siberian City Raises Concert Costs for Gay Performers… click for the story, but stay for picture

• How does scratch and sniff work?

• What’s up with the “Acme Company”?/Why Wile E. Coyote Will Never Catch The Road Runner

• The Top Ten Classic Arcade Game Songs

• What Is 88mph? + oldie What Is Cosby? [beware the AUDIO]

• Ukulele Disco

• Textbook examples of Moustaches, Chin & Cheek Beards, and good ole Full Beards

• Loved you some alternative Shining trailer? Then you’ll surely love you some zombie West Side Story, and maybe this Titanic one, which would have been a better way to market that POOPfest. Looks like these 3 were all created by the creative folks at PS260

• And while one Charlotte Church got her shoes jacked, another CC got sentenced to the big house for 21 years for likey-ing kiddie porn. What does this have to do with the price of eggs? I dunno, but she kinda looks like Melinda Clarke/Atia in this snap, and I since need me to gets my swerve on with dem following curves on, she hath saved herself from the chopping blocks. The same can’t be said of Annie Boleyn, who had to go cause she had six fingers and like ZERO boobage!

I drink champagne with
Nipsey Russell*

Too bad Nips won’t be
having any Moet in 5766
NIP IN PEACE!
1924-2005

+ We bid a semi-belated peace le fork outs to writers and wrongers August ‘Mookie’ Wilson AND M. Scott Peck ‘ing order’

+ We send out big props to Abe Lincoln Town Car for proclaiming back on Rocktober the 3rd of the 1863rd year of your lord that Spanksgiving will be observed on the 4th Friday in November FO-REVER!

+ We wish America was Europe cause then Borat would be hosting our MTV Music Awards, and we’d be receivin’ 46 and 1/8 effin BEARD and MUSTACHE RIDES, from all the world champs!! [1st via Indy RePukeagain]

+ We revel in the fact that the Redskins aren’t racist, just the breastest wurstest 3-0 team mt everest and etnaiestest!

+ We are dying to own our own painting painted by Bob Ross, but perhaps one from his son Steve Ross would suffice!

+ And we needs to know if Richie Incognito is related to Guy Incognito? [via Joe E Tartar]