Thighs Wide Shut

• Lohag to star in Mission Impossible 3?!?!??!?! Although none of the MI movies have been remotely watchable, this call makes about as much sense as letting the dude who makes Mad Libs write the sequel to Homer’s The Odyssey, or choosing KFC fried chicken for a picnic over Popeyes, or sitting down to watch UPN for 3 straight hours of programming, or going to college to actually learn things, or beating off to Rosie O’Donnell playing a retard. Have I made my point clear? If this ever happens, Satan has won. [via Defamer]

• Did you know that I attended the ELEVENTH BEST HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY! EAT THAT LOSERS WHO KANT SPELLS OR USAGES GRAMER CO-erect-LEE!!! ROCKET PRIDE & ROCKET POWER FOREVER BIZATCHESZZ!! [via the I-Train]

• Coldplay set to bore 36 cities

• Talk bout doing a 180, Marty Freedawg gonna follow Hitchhiker’s with Anthony Minghella’s latest, Breaking And Entering, co-starring Jude Law (whom I’d love as my own personal cole slaw)

• Orlando B(l)oo learned how to act from lizards. Explains why he’s so boring, but not why he refuses to star in a movie that takes place in the 20th or 21st century.

• Hayden Christensen, NOT gay?

• Who knew Borat loved the Knicks and chilled with Sandler? And good luck Timmy R trying to follow-up what Ali G did last year.

• Apparently Jim Henson’s crew wants to scare the crap outta me again! Speaking of, cant wait til Six Feet Under returns this summer.

• Will the US Open’s blue courts cause blue balls? I dunno, but I bet she’s caused many o’ cases of them!

• Z is for trailer

• Behold, the new and improved WhiteStripes.com. I hear if you visit it each day, you’ll keep the doctor away and the Kip at bay.

• Duran squared to get all orchestrated.

• The fine peoples that brought you Slice are done with za and have moved on to bigger and better burgers with A Hamburger Today. Hopefully they’ll do an international version as I’m dying to know how the burgers of Calais taste!

• Saving Adrmiral Ackbar & this & this!

• Tickets for the Digable Planets show @ Irving Platz are on-sale. Who’s in? [via The Vegan]

• Jeopardy! is looking for the next Ken Jennings Pam Mueller in the following cities: NYC, Philly, Memphis, & Bostonia.

• SexySlumberParty.com [SFW], a part of probably the most decent Simpsons‘ episode I’ve seen/the only episode I’ve sat thru in 2 years! [All Thangs Christ]

• A Pringles Flagship Store in Times Square?

• This will make you feel pathetic

• The world’s largest building made of Lego pieces? [via Cubicle Hater]

• Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight [via the midget source, Zach de la Roachclip]

• ALMOST as much fun as watching someone play Burger Time [via K to the P]

• Nuttin beats an internets site choc fulla animated gifs of women beating up people, sometimes utilizing their thighs. [via T Gunzzzzzz]

• And nobody tears up the Côte d’Azur like mees and my’s crew!! Sorry yer missin’ out on all the fun Cuthy, but after taking part in these brat-wurstestest photos of all’sthymer, I had no choice but to leave you at home.

• [Peas Note: I know nothing of politics, cept that I love a good parade AND free buttons!] All hail Mayor Mikey Bloomberg!! What, you a hater? How could be raggin on my man who green-lit the Gates AND be close to gettin us AN NFeffinL STADIUM, a Super Bowl, AND the Oryimpics!?!! And who cares if he controls the media? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Now if only we can get him to love the gays, then he’d be my most favorite person Mt Everest next to Billy Zabka. And who would you rather have in hizoooner’s place? Franz Forking Fernando Ferrer? Mark my slurs: You should never trust a man with a mustache. Hispecially one who has a blog that leo getz less comments than I’s! Or maybe, au jus maybe, FFFF should hire ME to be his publicity manager and pep up his boring-arsed campaign! Juss think of the pastabilititities…

• Smoking Gun’s gots Jeff Weise’s ‘Target Practice’ cartoon. Eerie, Indiana Minnesota.

• Thighs, it’s not what you think [via Typo]

• A third Gorillaz LP not far behind??? If Damon put together an album of farts and me screaming about how bad microwaved tuna fish smells, it would still be gene by genius. [via The Blower of Maple Leafs]

• Gotta love the Drunken Stepdaddy: Dunstin’s Nips check in & Pam in saran

• What’s scarier than this cat that looks like a shriveled penis? I dunno, but dis comes close: Billy Corgan and Robert Smith dueting The Bee Gee’s ‘To Love Somebody’.

• Is this considered news in Engrland? I guess that’s why they call London, the new New York!

• NYers, Bostoners, DCists, and Chipeoples, you can all see the Donnie Darko Director’s Cut fo free! BONUS for NYCers: suffer for FREE thru Fever Pitch!

• Own yer own Gestapo Soup Shop or Scott and Laci Peterson’s former restaurant. [via Made of Brawny]

• I’ve got you covered [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Napoleon Dynamite Numa Numa Dance

• A bunch of Asian boobie animated gifs [NSFW Junk via UselessJunk]

• The Longest Bird Penis Ever [via WTF Peeps]

• I’m being Xtreme-lee liz-azy this morn and didn’t plan on any April Foolishness Elliot Ness-ness. Boo is me. Maybe I’ve been too busy being a fool in love (Frankie Lymon stizzle stick stee-lo style) with this 2/3 NSFW clip of Cuthbert getting some in the back seat of a car to the sweet sounds of David Gray, or this pic of her punching herself…

I wasn’t yankin yer alice in chains folks when I tolds you that meself was gettin an intern for the Thighs. Times are tough and I really need someone to pick up my dry cleaning, scrub the hard to reach places like my grundle, and of course, make me even more power hungry (I plan to annex Russia within the next 2 months). So me scoured all 7 corners of the earth for the breastest possible trung candidate and when I couldn’t find one, I asked my friend Pat O’Brien what qualities he looks for in a intern and he said, ‘Make sure they’re f#$king HOT!‘ At that point, he was dry humping my leg and that really wasn’t helping me to accomplish my goal. So Pat decided to call a dear friend of his and tried to set up a threesome with Betsy and well, you know the rest.

Anywho, I found a kid rummaging thru my trashcan and giving my dog a handjob and decided right on the spot that he was the Golden Child. For those who care, his name is Hardcore Matty. But from this day forward, he will simply be called THIGHS WIDE SLAVE (and I’m his Master… get it?). This is his site, this is his Live Journal, this is His Space, I’d like to get into her space, this is not a Fugazi t-shirt, this is not a love song, this is not a good movie, and this is an animated gif of Thighs Wide Slave:

I gave him an easy 1st task

Take this

And Thighzercise it

The future’s so bright Hardcore Matty
er, um, Thighs Wide Slave,
that we gotta watch Blade!

• I want to start something new here where YOU dear readers get to ask ME, yer beloved Lord of The Thighs, questions about anything and everything that’s plaguing yer lil demented minds. And no, this aint some bunk arsed stizz like Ask Thighmaster where I tell you how to cure those grundle herpes you gots, but what I’d like to call ‘Crap For Questions’. Email me yo query and if I answer it on this site, I’ll send you some crap. Simple as that. Right Ben Mc?

• Practical Magic + Ron Burgundy = Bewitched: the trailer. [via Double V]

• She’s no Linda Carter (who makes men harder), but I really do bee leave that Mischa Barton would make a great Wonder Woman. I mean, mos of her body fat is invisible to begin with, which will blend in well with WW’s jet.

• Lohan’s Grandmother sells out.

• Katie found a Holmes in Josh Hartnett’s crotch? Who’s next on her boring boyfriend list, Paul Walker?

• Does PCP turn people into cannibals?

• Now serving at Wendy’s: Chili w/real human fingers! [via Mr Thought]

• What do you get when you cross Mike Tyson’s Punch Out & Breakfast? I dunno, but it goes a lil something like this! [via The Artful Badger]

• Buy the weigh, have you heard these Pat O’Brien saucy voice mails? Word has it that they’s giving Howard Dean’s ‘I Have A Scream’ a run for their funny.

• And I’m proud to say, this is the first animated gif I have ever created. WATCH OUT WORLD! With this and my other UMcredible Photoshopping skillz, I’m a true Jackass of all trades and a master debater of none. Betsy’s so jealous…

Me peepholes, you have forspoken and spoked that you love spotting a drummer. Therefore it shall remain a part of your days and your nights, juss how we all wanted Charles to be in charge.

– This was my flavorite site around this time last year, and it has quickly recaptured my love once again. Bless you Ms Burned By and yer ultimate page of pre-Coachella goodness!

– Speaking of, looks like you can count The Archdukes/The Other FFs in, and probably U2, although we’ll have to wait until Monday when the announce the full details of the World Tour, which begins in late March, Chargers style.

UPPPPPDATE: How does Coachella with Jay-Z, Lincoln Park, Garbage, Bjork, Prince, Smiths sound???!!!??!?!? Go to ProductPops for more scoopage/rumorage!!

– Charlatans UK frontman Tim Burgess will be guest DJing at Don Hill’s Saturday the 29th. It was also double as a semi-release party for the Chemical Bros’ latest Push The Button.

– Dreskin, Field Day, the environment, permits. Sounds like 2003 all over again.

– Next Tuesday, Ted Leo + many a special guests will be playing a very special benefit show at Rothko. More info here.

Back to your regularlaly scheduled linkgramming…

– You may have seen that pic of Lohan spitting floating round the net, which is actually an outtake from the Mean Girls DVD, but I bet ewes haven’t with the mos perfect caption. Or how bout in animated gif form, made by the great Mr Shane-Shane?!

– File under gifts for Siamese twins: The SMITTEN Mitten. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– The lovely Louvre will open its doors and glass pyramids to Opie and his film version of da Da Vinci Code.

– I meant to post this yestershizz, but peep Roller Girl’s Jenna Bush vs Jenna Jameson thingamajig.

– Much belated congrats to JP H-Lister for his D.I.Y. Zissou Adidas Kicks making the pages of USA Today.

– Artistic Tanks… not the kind that blow up things.

– She F%#king Mars.

– And FINALLY, I found some pre-release hotness of Her Royal Thighness the II’s (Cuthy Cuthbert for those of you WHO ARE REsTARTED) next joint, House of Wax, which will probably end up being as un-umcredible as her last flick, Dick Tease: The Movie. Apparently she had a reason for dying her scumdeliumptious blond hair… so she could get all dirty and nasty and rub up against that Tween heartthrob Chad Michael Murray, who has also co-starrred alongside such on their way out hotties as LLski and Hildawgo Muff. [pics via JoBlo]