Thighs Wide Shut

Tis the season to be gif giving…

• Miami Vice and MI:Whatever trailers

• Rachel and her NSFW ‘friends’ [via not so Shabby]

• A whole lotta love

• Bid on Flags From President John F. Kennedy’s Dallas Limo [via Rider Hard]

• It’s no watermelon

• Kangaroo Jack… off

• And take a wild guess as to what me lady carries in her bag at all thymes?

Click to find out!!

Is it juss me, or is it hapsolutley recockulous that we set a side one day each year to celebrate the talents of movie director/writer Chris Columbus? Don’t spank me wrong, the man has warrick dunn some good in the past, but from the early 90s on, he’s been more worthy of crucifixion, than adulation for screen fiction. The first 2 Harry Potters? Poo/boo/snoozefests to the Zth degree. Bicentennial Man? Could there be a worser call than having Robin Williams play a robot gayer than all the gay robots combined? The list doesn’t really go on and on, but I’m not really jumping and jazzing all over meself for his next joints, like the one named after a Pavement album or this one, which has the schmaltzyiest plotline, described as a, “about a temperamental head coach who ends up adopting a kid. By becoming a father, he learns to be a better man and a better coach and he takes his team to the Super Bowl.” Dear Gov-mint. Please repeal this holiday and instead bestow the honor of a day off of work for a more worthy director, say, Savage Steve Holland, of Better of Dead, One Crazy Summer, and Shasta McNasty fame. Howevs, if you peeps MUSS revel in all thing C Columbus, may I recommend you spend this day with some of his finest works like…

• There is something seriously wrong with Brooke Shields’ mother. I can’t fathom how anyone would ever let their 12-year old daughter star in Pretty Baby, the controversial Louis Malle flick about a daughter of a brothel prostitute who has her virginity sold to the highest bidder, and later marries a man maybe 3 times her age. That may not sound so bad, but B Shields’ prepubescent assets are fully on display numerous times. YIIIIIIIIIIIKES!!! I felt so dirty watching it that I had to shower 17 times afterwerds. [NSFW proof, for you dirty dirty p-philes]

• Amy Ruth’s on 116th St has the mos bestest southern/soul food that one can find in Manhattan. Do yerself, but not yer arteries, a favor and get yer fried chicken smothered in gravy, next to a giant waffle loaded with cinnamon, ‘nanas, and pecans. The title heart attack hotness was previously held by Miss Mamie’s Spoonbread Too. Next on the list, Sylvia’s. [CityShirt]

• The Redskins may not be going 16-0, but will probably finish 15-1. OK, that may be a bet far-fetched, but they are actually a legit squad [WaPo]

• tATu may be faux lezzies (and faux tanners), but faux lezzies, are still better than no lezzies at all [Spencer 4 Mire]

• My mom may be the world’s biggest Hedwig & The Angry Inch fan. So much so, that her and pa came up this past Saturday to see mastermind John Cameron Mitchell introduce the film for all of 5 minutes at the MOMA. Bless you momoosky. And for that lets spread the love. [d-lode the bestest song ‘Wig In A Box’, or the Pirate version]

• Trainspotting helped Sinbad O’Connor realize that hard drugs and babies climbing on the ceiling are not good things [IOL]

• Earnest Byner exercising makes a good animated gif [Speed Fit]

• William Fichtner and his 4 by forehead looking fabulous in What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

• Tennis scoring is rooted in medieval numerology [Straight Dizzle]

• There’s a chance none of us have to pay to see Keira ‘I beat off to you’ Knightley in Pride & Snoozefest [EW free screening]

and although Elisha still may be the Cuthbestiest ’round

why?
cause we bid a fond
PEACE THE FORCE OUT
to
Admiral Kendal Ozzel
aka Hitler in Last Crusade
aka Michael Sheard

1940 – 2005

• If Keds remade Braveheart with Mischa Barfon, it would probably look something like this

• Titles by Saul Bass

• The Catholic Church’s latest attempt at being cool. Maybe they should team up with Keds & Mischa

• The Hank Garrett Interview

• A nice, but small collection of Booger snaps

• Interesting order of results when Googling ‘museum’

• Can anyone name all those who make up Roy G Biv above? It’s not that hard, but in the meantime, go here

• Morer funnier than all of Anchorman [vid via Shady Harry’s Son]

• Streetsy

• Arcade Flyers

• Cats In Sinks

• JSF Worthless Baseball Card Collection… c’mon, one day that Lenn Sakata will be worth nillions!! [via the Mask]

• The hipster strap-on

• Fucking, Austria

• And I don’t know bout the rest of y’alls, but I was heavily saturated with nuttin but 007 these past couple o weeks, thanks to AMC, who don’t really have classics anymore, and I guess don’t always show movies that are American. And after watching both The Living Daylights and License to Kill, I’ve decided to change my long standing negative position on Timothy Dalton in a tux. Sure, he’s far from attractive (what’s up wit dat hair yo?!?), a lot bit boring, and co-starred in The Beautician and the Beast, but the dude was so forking hugo and BOSS when it was his turn to James Bond it up. We don’t even have to mention King Connery here (or one-timer George Lazenby), but Dalty brought much more weight and seriousnessness to the role than Roger Moore or Pierce Brosnan ever did. He was a darker, angrier Bond, and it worked to a tee when he was defying his orders, and even going all rouge and shit to avenge the death of his pal Felix Leiter’s wife and Felix Leiter’s missing leg that was eaten off by a shark!! Plus Daylights and Kill where also the last best Bond flicks (sorry Pierce, you surely had the look, in a Roxette kinda way, but didn’t have the scripts to back it up in your three tries… Christmas Jones, wtforkment anyone?!?@!?##!). And those Bond flicks sure gave Dalty some choice o bond chicks!! To this day, I’m still in love with Maryam d’Abo, Carey Lowell, and Talisa Soto. I should get them all together for a kinda ghetro older ladies Charlie’s Angels thingamajig.

• Today’s vid game hot topic belongs to the fine folks at CAPCOM and the 8-bit games they created for Nintendo. They didn’t have the best games, but their graphics were always top notch, and duhvs course, they were always so fargin icehole easy to beat (cept 4 the ever so challenging Ghosts & Goblins). And most of them were xerox versions of other games they previously released. I mean, what’s the difference between Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 2112? Wasn’t Legendary Wings juss a glorified version of (pellet gun) 1942 & 1943? Or how bout all dem synonymous Disney games they pooped out, such as Mickey Mousecapade, Rescue Rangers, AND the best of the lot, Duck Tales? Purty much the Mad Libs of late 80s gaming. Too bad Gummie Bears didn’t get any love, cause who wouldn’t want to drink Gummie Juice and bounce off the walls for hours? I think you can do that in reality, it’s called Jolt Cola, which is making a mini-comeback in these energy drink crazed days. Anywhozitz, the best game they ever sold, hands and thighs down, was Bionic Commando (beware of the audio), which was sorta like a cross between Metal Gear & Blaster Master (not to be confused with Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster). I can’t even tell you how many hours of enjoyment I got shooting that Bionic arm and hearing that Bionic sound effect. Too bad that era has gone Bye-Bye-onic.

• 22 countries I’ll never visit again.

• Eff Superman, cause the people demand the return of Teddy Ruxpin. Peep out his brand spankin new website! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Can’t find a link, but the werd on the street is that the t.A.T.u. anime movie has been indefinitely postponed due to lack of funds. How do you say ‘boo-urns’ in Russian? I dunno, cause I’m too busy creating Russian dressing after looking at these pics. [via Tom Wellington, who thinks ‘I suck’]

• B-Wagon Boy weighs in on the ‘Micheal Jorden’ [sic] verdict.

• Like the Simpsons movie, here’s another thing that would’ve been better in ’95, and not in ’05

• Lohag is a dirtbag

• Jenna Elfman invents the faux mullet, and in turn, looks like Jamie Lee Curtis from the 80s.

• I lourve how that Lucy Pinder chick and her bazongas appear to be glistening in every single snap she takes. Wet women = wet men.

• Don’t know if you’ve been watchin Ashton Crouton’s Beauty & The Geek (I was forced into it, but I hate to say, twas berry entertaining), but the Lauren, the “Lingerie Model”, from head to tongue is like a real life version of The OC‘s Summer Roberts. And no, that’s not a good thing.

• The Brothers Grimm trailer [via DV]

• Cone Pizza!! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!! We’re one step away from Pizza In a Cup (audio)!! [via K to the P]

• Lolliepaloozer’s set times have been posted.

• Set yer TiVos to fun: AFI’S 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases

• Google Quick Reference Guide [via JJ]

• Movie scenes you didn’t get to see

• Lebowski Fest tix go on sale tomorrow

• Tons o’ $20 tix avail to crappy shows at Jones Beach

• Anyone else try to peel the non-existent 99 cent sticker off this week’s Time Out New York?

• Wanna dress like the Thigh Mizzle? Bid away!!

• How to Make Your Own Totally Sweet Mario Question Blocks and Put Them Up Around Town [via Datar Sauce]

• Squirrel Liquor Decanter [via Ceffle Kizzle]

• Kevin Dillon and his fivehead are engaged! I guess he won’t have to chase Kim Bauer/Cuthbest in the woods no mo!

• Related: This guy defends Kim Bauer, ‘I just think that Kim was always an integral and interesting part of the psychological narrative, even without the nipples.‘

• Related: I think we’ve gone long enuff w/out a pitcher of Cuthlete. Here’s a reminder why it’s so hard to give her the boot when she makes me so hard, to boot…

• This is the first page dedicated to my favorite Godfather of Galactic Funk, the hardest working man in gambling, soul brother #1, Lando Calrissian [b-ware of the audio]

• Celebrities-Eating.com

• Some A&W fun for the kids

• The Bible, as told thru Legos

• The PET Computer

and this gem of Jems (truly out-rage-YES!)

• JC Penny’s 1980 Fall/Winter Catalog

• Admit it, you don’t watch Jeopardy! and therefore probably never gots the pleasure of seeing my dearest Pammy Pam Mueller on the telle, right? Well, you can make up for your lack of vision by tom peeping this lil mini web interview thingie they did with her back in the ’01. Maybe NOW you can get a sense of why I was once bitten, and forever smittened. By the gay, I think I fingered out my reasoning for my seasoning/why I digs her so dang much: she has the same EGGSzact ‘do that Dana Delany/McMurphy sported on China Beach aka China BEST! I was all of 11 when the show first aired, but I think that was the very first time I had a hu-mungo crush on an older woman, on a weekly basis, and was quite vocal about it. I was so wrapped up into the whole thang that even I made my mom buy me a China Beach sweatshirt from a kiosk at Montgomery Mall (the same mall which was once used as a setting in the 80s shit pic Prime Risk, and is now home to a stab happy woman). Oh Dana (who was once stalked by Corky), how I hearted you so. I much wanted to rip that green uni off with my teeth and take you right then and there on that gurney. My member would be your IV, pumping vital fluids all up into your ailing organs. Somebody lock me up for my own good, STAT!!!

• And in sorta-related links, czech out Tourney of Champ champ Brad’s mini-int, when he looked like a fat Ben Affleck, and this other pic of him that makes him look like a big winner!

• Ready or not, here they come! I guess there are now plenty of mics for the too many MCs. Hopefully they will stay permanent one and not return to number ten. While I wait, you can find me in my Mitsubishi, eatin’ sushi, bumpin’ Fugees. Oooh La La La. I love it when you touch my Tra La La.

• Lohag the Elder off to Prisonville

• And while Daddy tries to avoid dropping the soapy-soap, lil Lohag is considering starring in a remake of this gas passer.

• Peace the pitchfork out Eddie Albert! May I be the 12891849053rd person to wish you well on your way to GREENer pastures.

• Indy 4’s script FRYnally gets the OK from Baron Papanoida & Senor Spielbergo.

• Bad Idea Jeans #37622: The Griswalds Down Under!

• The Stones will be supported by BECK (!) on a bunch o’ Canadiananian stops this fall! Lucky mothercanuckers! Then again, they didn’t have hockey all last year, so we gotta throw em some bones. (Editor’s Note: Canada is easy to make fun of, but I love all Candandnadians)

• Trey’s Zooma tour cancelled! Finally, the beginning of the end of patchouli smellin’ neo-hippie sub-culture! Unless of course someone spends a fortune on a motor home last owned by Trey Anastasmellio. Now if only the Dave Matthews Band were dumped into a river and instead of their dumps! [eBayness via Andre Dawson Fan #1]

• The Warshington Po qwikly looks back on 25 9:30 Club years!

• Anakin Skywalker/Lord Darth Vader, In Pictures 1977 to Present [OMforkinG!]

• I really likes me some Fischerspooner. Their latest odyssey was miles and away better than Daft Punk & the Chem Bros’ efforts this year. Peep the video for ‘Never Win’ [Win or Real or QwikThyme]

• Remember the band Grandaddy (I only said ‘band’ so people not in the know don’t think I was talking about Grampa Joe)? Well, here’s a bunch of tasty live mp3ers. Or maybe u’d prefer some live or regular Dios Malos, who are sort of Grandaddyesque, and sure have one of the hottiest internets sites around!

• And while were sorta not on the topic, I agree that W Dafoe would have made a great WW

• Da Da Vinci crew make another fine choice. So when are they going to replace Tom Hanks with Harrison Ford?

• Don’t trust a virgin and a poll

• Alfie to star in Alfie the II’s wedding starring Alfie the II’s on-screen and off screen flame. Got it?

• Did you know Ebert gave 4 starts to the Karate Kid, even though he thought it was going to be ‘an adventure pitting Ricky Schroder against the Megaloth Man‘? Whatever the fork that means!

• This guy is my new hero. When I grow up, I want to be juss like him! Pee es – why are American concert tickets (read: Ticketbastard’s) so booooooooooring, just like our cash currency?

• This guy is as gay as Gaylord Perry

• It’s official, Jake Jill loves bubble/testicle tea!

• Ever wonder what my bedroom looks like? Click away [NSFW]

• Free screenings in several major cities for Hilary Duff’s next big stank bomb

• Well then spank gawd that mumsy’s daddy had a lot of freakin hair!

• TV mini-series I forkin wish were DVD bound: the Twin Peaksish Wild Palms & the place I first heard Pet Shop Boys’ thumcredible ‘Opportunities (Let’s Make Lots Of Money)’, The Billionaire Boys Club.

A bunch of useless TWS stuff:

• Here are some enter-resting reviews of TWS. Sure I may be a ‘pig’, but I’m too busy looking listening to what Raindrop has to say!

• Could this be considered a Thighs Wide Yearkbook?

• No one’s erecting cakes with my thighkness, but at least someone loves us (see honorable mentions for ‘website of the year’).

• ThighsWideShut.com, still the biggest waste in cybersquatting history.

And back to the shit shinola:

• The reason the interwebs was NOT invented: two dudes karaokeing to hit songs, but change the lyrics to ‘All Your Base Are Belong To Us‘

• Is the person responsible for this trying to overtake me as wurstest Photoshopper of the world? [Axis of Ebert]

• How Did They Get That Name? Game

• Sock Master’s Game Console Controller Family Tree [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Jean-Claude Van DANCE, the animated gif [via SickTracks via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Who knew there was a WHOLE world of You’reTheManNowDog out there??! I started too see the light once ‘The United States of NOOOOOOOO‘ came about [download the song]. And now I’m lovin it all like my name was Morgan Spurlock: Mike Tyson Punchout one [NSFW], Vader’s No dance, Vader learns the birds & bees, United States of Kimble, Batman the model, this Pee-Wee one, they found Carmen Sandiego, Transformer rave, Mortal Kaaaaaaahnbat (+ this other Kaaahn one), and Conan makes popcorn!

• And while Rooney was waxin about Memorial Day, I was dreaming of attending the New Zellwood Sweet Corn Festival this past weekend [via Magnolia Bread Head]. I also did a bunch of other lo-key stuff (bowling, muse-zams, Yankees/SOX game, movies galore, masturbate), and doves course rooted for my Tetris-loving lovey, Sharapova, as she continued her clay conquering ways @ Ban Roll-on Garros. Anywho, along my travels on the nets, I came across what is probably one the greatest pictures ever taken of her, and deer-4, the greatest in the history of tennis…