Thighs Wide Shut

– Our Thighs Spies spill the beans about Her Royal Thighness from the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded. We all know she’s an overtanner, no thanks to her milky Irish complexion, but she’s also a crazy lush who has to have handlers follow her around everywhere to make sure she doesn’t go to parties. That way she won’t show up to the set all hungover and gross looking. But don’t worry hun, I’d still lick you from head to toe even if u were wearing a tunafish kitty litter g-string covered in gefilte fish. And if you want sweetsie, we can make our stambed, a tanning bed.

– And even more from the pointless Lohan news department: Lindsay Lohan’s Father Denies He Kicked in Door

– My dearest Uncle Grambzy was quoted in a NYTimes piece about Vincent Gallo… sort of.

– Jessica Cutler, aka Ms Washingtonienne aka Capitol Ho-Bag, gets the full Washington Post treatment. And what words of wisdom she gots: “I was only blogging for, what, less than two weeks? Some people with blogs are never going to get famous, and they’ve been doing it for, like, over a year. I feel bad for them.” Thankz bizotch, but some of us don’t need to suck cock to be famous. I just want to be famous for eating funnel cakes… [via Flea]

– Newsday likens Little Steven’s Garage-A-Thon MC Kim Fowley to Max Headroom. Too bad we already broke that story hours earlier bizatches!!! But czech out these fab photos they posted. And what was with all the crazy film cameras at the event (that Iggy Pop humped)? Oh, that was just director Chris Columbus (Mrs Doubtfire, and the two not-so-good Harry Potter movies) filming a doc of the whole show. Good, now I can cherish the Electric Prunes for eternity!!

– Rolling Stoned drummer, Charlie Watts, is battling throat cancer. That’s a crying shame considering the dude always looked so cool when smoking a fag (that’s British slang for homosexual/cigarette).

– What has a lot of blonde hair and a combined IQ of -6? The Paris Hilton/Nick Carter sex video.

– Imagine being the guy/gal forced to sit next to Andy Rooney at the movies…

– John Malkovich is Stanley Kubrick in Colour Me Kubrick. Be sure to watch the teaser, which is one of the wurstestest known to man.

– Stamps are cool. And in 2005, they will be even coolerer. Look for ones featuring the likes of Ronald Reagan, Henry Fonda, Greta Garbo, Arthur Ashe, Jim Henson & The Muppets, and some Disney characters.

– Phish fans abandon cars to get to the farewell shows this past weekend in VT. They say the floods caused all the problems, but I bet a truck carrying barrels of patchouli jackknifed and made the area reek of dirty hippies… before the dirty hippies showed up. Peace the fudge out to vacuum cleaner music for good!!

– Caddyshack legend Bill Baroo is sold for a measly $5,336.00. [via Navi]

– We all know about Awful Plastic Surgery (this one takes the cake), but what about Good Plastic Surgery? Either way, I’d still bone Katie Holmes before or after! [1st link via Amberger]

– Love Pittsburgh AND signs? It’s yer lucky day.

– The War of the Worlds is happening sooner than you think. Be sure to lube up before we invade Uranus. [via Wanamaker]

– The voice of “please hang up and try again” revealed! Best phone sex me’ve ever had!!

– Trump, on November 9th, yer fired bizatch! Why? The Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best

– And finally, you know yer mum is the bombsheet when she tells you, “It would’ve been more creative if you would have named your website Thighs Wide Open.” Thanks ma, without you keeping yer thighs wide open in November of 1977, none of this would’ve ever been possible. Love you! Send cookies!! Sorry that the above statements were far more gross than Arye Gross‘ post Soul Man career.

– Look who’s pairing up: Ali G and Shaggy (again?), James Spader & William Shatner (together at last), and Marion Barry and politics (again? dude loves it more than crack and ho-bags) [via Fleaski again]. If only we can get Charo and Flava Flav to live under one roof… oh wait, that’s already happening. Best combos ever? Some say nacho cheese, others, Dudley Moore and Kirk Cameron, or turkey wrapped in bacon, Arm & Hammer, Deloitte, Touche & Tohmatsu, A&W, mortar & pestle, or even Ludivine Sagnier and being nekkid (NSFW).

– Where the funk are all these NY ‘cuddle parties‘ taking place? And how come the Thigh Master is getting cut out of the loop? Isn’t the house password ‘fidelio’? [via Flea]

– “Fancy” Ketchup explained!!

– The NY Times and Daily News get premature ejact for Lebowski Fest NY. And is it me or is fest co-founder Will me and Lohan’s long lost brother (note the sunglasses)?

– Franz Ferdie, aka, the Archdukes, add a 2nd Roseland show. Pixies’ December Hammerstein shows presale begins Thursday. And the mighty Supergrass jaunt to our shores for a six-pack of shows. All shows should be more killer than Lizzie Borden.

– Nader, yer campaign slogan should be Unsafe At Any Speed. Go drive a Chevrolet Corvair far away from this election. Thanks. This message paid for by Americans who actually want votes to count for something.

– Can you name all 53 states? Who we missing here? East Carolina, Texas II, and New Canada?

– TATU are no longer lesbians, just rabid smoke haters.

– Skins win preseason opener, lose #1 Dirtbag Jansen, and make me salivate for more. Sean Taylor looked good enuff to make me say Champ who?

– Please watch this video clip of Andy Rooney driving a tiny car: Real Media or Windows Media. At his age, he should be driving one of those mini Shriner cars.

– Peace the f%$k out to King Kong’s ho-bag Fay Wray. Damn, I was going to set her 96-year-old booty up with Andy Rooney and his fly-a$$ car.

– Larry Carlson’s site, best viewed on peyote.

– I think I’m going to get over my fear of a weight rooms and try for the 2008 Olympics. Especially since my meals would consist of massive cheeseburgers, Bugels and cookies. [via Brawny Man]

– The CD I cunt stop listening too is The Fiery Furnaces’ Blueberry Boat. It’s like a slab of PJ Harvey, wrapped in Radiohead lettuce, topped with a dollop of the Clockwork Orange soundtrack.

You are now entering the penis zone:

– Protect your largest organ. [via Navi]

– Major props de leon haves got to go out to my girl Charges, the engineer of the eggsalad Rollertrain, who sent me a lb of porn, and one of the sweetest letters I’ve received in a long time. Can’t wait to czech out such slutty titles as Swallopalooza and the instant classic, Sweet Ho Alabama.

– And is cutting off your penis ever a good idea? Even if yer a 70-year-old Moroccan who’s wife refused to bang you for a longs thyme.

– Lindsay Lohan ‘loves boyfriend to death’… not the headline I really wanted to read today, yesterday, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day after tomorrow never knows and never dies.

– Snail Spitting. Bigger than William Hung? Wait, who the fork is William Hung?

– Italians eat smelly food sez London Underground poster. At least they have a cuisine England!

– Andy Rooney is Gawd. And this is his gospel. I hope he lives forever like in that Oasis song. Lettuce pool are money and turn him into a popsicle. You think he’s pissed now? Imagine how irate he’ll be when we dethaw him in 2067!

– NYC. Pizza. And one Blog to rule them all. Come and grab a slicesh.

– I’d watch Keira Knightley eat microwaved tuna covered with spiders for 3 hours. I’d probably also go see her in this too.

– Better than Simple Life 1 & 2: Andy Dick’s The Assistant. Watch it. It airs 16 times a day on MTV.

– Ice T’s ancient side project, Body Count, apparently has resurrected from the dead and are playing at NY’s Knitting Factory on August 21st. I think their umcredible tune, “KKK Bitch” was the only track on that disc that didn’t have “Body Count” in the title. I’d give my third testicle to be there, but unfortunately, I’ll be sucking maple syrup in Vermont that weak end. Dang cause I was always wondering what Mooseman and Beatmaster V have been up to since I last saw them take the stage to sing “Cop Killer” with Public Enemy in November of 1992 at the Uni-brow-versity of MD’s Ritchie Coliseum, with Navi (pronounced ‘ney vie’).

– The Pixies are going everywhere (no NY dates yet), Wilco are coming to Radio City Music Hall in Rocktober, and Badly Drawn Boy heads to Walla Walla Whitman College.

– Ross K Dajoi comes alive like Frampton and Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science.

– And yes, Pubic Hair Toupees. Yep. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Posing for Playboy is a sure sign that your career as an actress is over. Next up to bat: Denise Richards. Thank gawd, cause the pause button on my DVD remote broke after too many a viewings of the infamous champagne shower scene in Wild Things.

– One more reason to never have a car in NYC: DMX will try to steal it.

– Want to read a recap of Lebowski Fest 3 with less pictures of thighs and more words than mine? Czech out The Houston Chronicle‘s review.

– Speaking of fests, if you like peeping old fat men in blue and red tights, then by all means, get yer azz on over to Metropolis, Illy-noise for their annual Superman Festival. [Linka via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Gary Oldman’s voice will appear in Star Wars: Episode III. Good move on his part, cause I wouldn’t want my mug imortalized in this trilogy, which has been nothing but the crappiest of the craptacular crap. Thanks for pissing on my childhood George!!

– Set yer TiVos cause Napoleon Dynamite himself (Jon Heder) will be on Letterman next Wednesday, the 30th.

– Da Ali G Show, season one, is finally premiering in Canada. They is so behind the times, a? I hear that BetaMax and Max Headroom are the latest rage in Canuckland.

– The US Court system is turning into a porno factory. First case in point: man drops pants and sticks his a$$ in the judge’s direction. Second infraction of the penal system: a judge shaved his balls/peenie area, used a shlong enhancement pump, and gave himself plenty of HJs, all whilst presiding over cases. [Link via Tommy T and The Furious 6]

– I never ask you people for much (cept yer dirty undies and Franz Ferdie tickets), but we must all do something together. Vote for Andy Rooney as the sexiest newscaster in all the land! Didn’t you know that curmudgeonism is the new heteroflexible?

– Three things that don’t belong together: The 70’s, Europe, and interior decoration. Say hello to Eurobad ’74!!

– Boo. Boourns.

– And finally, someone, please marry this poor girl!! [Link via Amanda Huginki$$]

I usually don’t like writing about myself. I mean who wants to hear if my poopie was corn filled or if I shaved my balls in the shower, but like my hero Jerri Blank, I’ve got something to say. I’ve had it with Washington, DC’s nightlife. I’m getting old and I’m slowly becoming a curmudgeon. If I wanted to go bowling in my adopted city of New York I would have to take out a loan from the bank and THEN sell my sperm. Sooos, everythyme I go back to my suburban roots of Merryland, all I want to do is go bowling for peanuts (not actual peanuts, but come to think of it, that’s not such a bad idea). I could only convince one out of my 10 zillion friends to join me in a night of foot fungus and bruised wrists. Since we’re not gay lovers (although at this point, I’m open to beastility), we opted to meet everyone else downtown in this uber-hip area of DC called Adams Morgan. After looking for a parking space for over an hour in a crappy 4-speed Toyota Tercel, with my pants about to be soaked in the 3 large Mountain Dews I gulped, I finally found a spot. And my reward for all that trouble?

Fuck Dipping Dots. This shit be the real future of ice cream.

Meeting up with my palsz at this dump hole (no, not Veteran’s stadium) bar called Millie & Al’s. The place was packed to the teeth with polo shirt sportin’ WASPy looking fellas and lumpy chicks in tight shirts out on bachelorette parties. After developing a major case of swamp-ass, I decided that I’d had enough. From this day forward, the only time I will ever go to DC at night will be to break into the National Air & Space Museum to feed my freeze-dried ice cream addiction. Bowling forever!!! See you at Lebowski Fest.