Thighs Wide Shut

– I dream of Lohan or is it I Dream of Knightly? I have a grand idea, throw away that script, sign up Elisha Cuthbert, and make them a lesbian Charlie’s Angels. You can have them fighting in pudding, car washes, and uber-huge glasses of champagne. Anywho, Lohan’s got a brand new single. It’s called ‘Rumors’ and you can here it hear (Real Media link via Stereogum).

– The Office 2-hour Special finally debuts stateside only on BBC America, October 21st. Czech out what genius Ricky Gervais has to say about it.

– Batman: Year 32.

– Guess who doesn’t make money? Yep, bloggers. I’m so sick of reading these kind of stories.

– Got $2,950.00 + Tax to burn? Book a flight on Zero-G.

– Norman Chad, aka the Couch Slouch, takes on USA Today and their list of thangs to change in sports. I’m in favor of Slouch’s #6: Pay college athletes not to come to campus during school week, thus freeing up the better-looking women for the rest of us.

– Playgirl names Andy Rooney the 5th sexist sexiest male newscaster. His eyebrows were rated third best in the world by TWS. Right behind Martin Scorsese and NY1’s own George Whipple da III.

– You may have seen this before, but tits always worth a 2nd or 18th viewing. [via Jon Juan de Kur]

– Think Clint Howard is scary looking? You boviously haven’t seen this pic.

– Ashton Kutcher’s Restaurant Burglarized. Big whoop-d-do!!!

– Peppers, Vedder, and Rollins rock in honor of The Ramones. Next up: The Strokes & Blondie.

– And frinally, I need me time machine so I could have gone to see a screening of Tron with that dude in the male-camel toe Tron costume. Double dang!!! [via GoldenFiznizzle]

– Speaking of Del Redskins, there was a nasty lil internet hoax going around on CBS.sportsline yesterday about Clinton Portis being out for the next 8 to 12 weeks. My boy and fellow diehard burgundy and gold worshipper, Jon Juan de Kurr, freaked the f-in freak freak when he saw that info and proceeded to leave frantic voice mails on the Washington Post‘s Mark Maske and Nunyo Demasio’s inboxes. I applaud him for his dedication to seeking out the truth and his unyielding love for dem Hogs, but this was a bridge too far. I’ve since committed my compadre for psychiatric evaluation to prevent him from becoming like that bizatch stalking Catherine-Zeta-Alpha-Omega-Jones-McDonald-Douglas.

– By the way, Skins are going 17-0. Yep, they’ll even win during their bye week.

– Next Strokes LP may not be out for years. Whys is that? So they can take their jolly-a$$ time learning every riff the Cars and the Clash ever riffed? Get an f-in haircut and shower you post modern hipsters.

– It’s a dog eat dog world, and now apparently a dog shoot man world. [via Spakula Shaker]

– Noah Wyle to leave ER at the season’s end. I honestly didn’t realize that that show was still on. Must See TV, eh? Yeah, maybe if yer blind!

– Peace the fork out Mikey Eisner. Maybe now’s the time they unfroze Walt and let him run the show again.

– This IS the world’s largest bottle of catsup. Does it also count as the largest bottle of ketchup?

– Popeye turns 75 this year and what butter way to celebrate (besides inhaling some of his fine fried chicken) than by attending the 25th Annual Popeye Picnic in Chester, Illi-noise this weak end. Peep this mammoth list of events. I’m berry interested in whatever this ‘Cash Giveaway’ contest is on Sunday night.

– Green potato chips explained!!!

– I love these ads for Elle Macpherson’s Intimates Lingerie. Hispecially the one of the topless chick with knives. Too bad not everyone agrees.

– The Dutch be so crazy. They have words like Neiwsjikciakskraewuiae, they let you buy the world’s sickest ganj AND cheese, and they also pour Tabasco sauce on their crops AND have a 9/11 inspired film festival entitled, See, Fly, Die.

– How much awfuler can this Dukes of Hazzard movie get? Seann William Scott awfuler. [via Navi the Terrible]

– Andy Rooney loves the Soup Nazi. I love this planet so much.

– And finally, did Ali G ruin the world of bling?

– Kerry and Busch are missing the boat on the hottest topic in America: dem unreleased videotapes of Roy (of Siegfried & fame) being mauled by a tiger.

– Wondering how Ali G landed that uncomfortable interview with Andy Rooney? The truth is out there. And if you didn’t get to see it, you can peep it at our good pal Norm’s place.

– Michael Phelps, Michael Schmelps. Here’s an event he’d never medal in: The Asian Mustache Olympics. [via Newbsy Russell]

– Lord loves a hairy man and someone must love this guy. [vias CityRagDoll]

– Are you the breastest at Rock, Paper, Scissors? Head to DC this weak end and show yer stuff. [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– StupidVideos.com. Need I say moore? [via Use His Computter]

– Is it juss me or does I Heart Huckabees look like a poor man’s Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind?

– Stoned Rose Ian Brown vs Yo Mama As Well Director Alfonso Cuarón, round 2.

– One of my moast flavorite Bob Mould produced bands, Magnapop aints dead yet. They’re playing a show in Athens, GA this Friday, and in Belgium next month.

– One person who wouldn’t be caught dead in Ambercornbeef & Fitch’s West Virginia: No Lifeguard At The Gene Pool t-shirt is the Mountaineer state’s Governor.

– I’m one of the blessed folks to receive a 2nd round pre-sale password for MoveOn.org‘s Vote for Change concert series. And since I live in a very Democratic city, none of the shows are coming here. Sooooooo, if u live in bumblefork, and yer the 1st person to email me, I’ll give you my passcode which can help you land up to 4 tickets to one of the shows.

– And to close up shop, a Montana State student charged with intentionally clogging a toilet.

– Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano is alive! And apparently he’s not Marilyn Manson, but a big time lawyer! Good thing he didn’t pin his hopes on becoming the next Sir Laurence Olivier. [via Navi]

– Andre Rison is alive! And apparently going to play football in Canada. Maybe Left-Eye Lopez will come back from the dead and burn down his new house. The only comebacks I’m dying to see are from Ickey Woods and the great Wayne Fonts.

– Sweden’s King Carl XVI Gustaf is alive! Apparently he had been assassinated, but I guess not.

– Borat/Sacha Baron Cohen keeps getting in more and more hot water. He can now add the British version of the FCC and the U.K.’s Jewish Board of Deputies to the growing list of organizations jumping down his thiz-oat for the “Throw The Jew Down The Well” ditty (click and watch if u haven’t already done so 464663246 times). And according to this very heducationalist article, Sacha has been labeled ‘the new Al Jolson’, is a devout Jew who keeps kosher, has lived on a kibbutz, and at Cambridge University, did a history dissertation entitled: The Black-Jewish Alliance – A Case of Mistaken Identity. Easy-now rude boys!

– Swoon, the bestest gay/black & white movie about Leopold and Loeb, is finally being released on DVD tomorrow.

– Van Halen sues the Baltimore Orioles. What a great PR move, since this is the only way that either group can garner any media attention these days.

– Regis Philbin set the record for most time in front of a camera at 15,188 hours. That’s 15,187 hours too many if you ask me.

– Toggle, the most useless search engine in the world.

– Whatever you do, don’t send Andy Rooney a gift.

– To hell with Spongebob, cause only the koolest kids will be dressed in pimp costumes this Halloween. [via YouCuntMakeShizUp]

– If you are one those bastards who stole Edvard ‘Butt’ Munch’s ‘The Scream’ and happen to be reading this, step away from the computer, return that masterpeace immediately, and come to America so I can beat the crap out of you with a piece of Norwegian wood.

– t.A.T.u. are not only NOT lesbians, but there’s also the hottest name to give to baby African hunting dogs.

– Butt Paste. It’s not what you think… or maybe it is.

– Napoleon Dynamite won’t ever quit. Since June, it’s raked in a sirprizing $15.9 million, despite nevers evers cracking the top ten! Fox Searchlight is expanding its release to 1,500 theaters nationwide and there’s even talk about a sequel! Some say the success of the film is linked to the studio’s ‘canny marketing campaign’, but we all know its cause yers truly was the star of the commercial. [via Thigh Master’s Mumsy]

– The Bowery Ballroom’s website gets a well needed makeover.

– Modest Mouse, The Killahs, and The Walkmen are all set to appear on the upcoming season of The O.C. (not pronounced The Ock). Speaking of The Ock, Mischa Barton is going to donate her vagina to the Thigh Master in hopes of producing his daughter.

– Disney World said peace the fork out to the broke-a$$ 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride years ago, but this guy refuses to let the memories die. Someone, please buy one of his t-shirts and make his day.

– Coming soon to a Mount Vernon near you: Reconstructing George Washington.

– Julia Roberts to take some time off from movie making. Please honey, take as long as you want and don’t ever come back.

– What’s a worserer idea than buying The Scorpions’ CD box set? Living in a glass box with 6,000 scorpions at a shopping mall in Kuala Lumpur for over a month.

– A finally, the awfulestest word on the street is that George Lucas may be down to make 3 more Star Wars sequels, which will pick-up where Return of the Jedi left off. George, you have 7 zillion trillion dollars, why do you want to continue shitting on my childhood? At least Mark Hamill now has a reason to continue living. And if he’s not available, maybe he can lure Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano out of acting retirement. [via Trent Lotz]

– White Stripes to split? According to Jackie’s nephew/WS roadie/historian, Ben Blackwell, the duo wants to end on a high note and so Jack can roll like Han, solo. Sayeth it aint so!! Well, for Meg’s sake, I hope her ‘acting’ career takes off. Her latest role is portraying Little Red Riding Hood in The Detroit Cobras new video for their single “Cha Cha Twist”. View it in High or Low bandwidth here [via WhiteStripes.net].

– Kevin and Wayne Arnold are reuniting. Now don’t get yer panties all in a bunch Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano, cause yer not invited to this sha-bang. Screen brothers, Fred Savage and Jason Hervey, will be paired once again, but this time to voice the characters of Hawk & Dove for Cartoon Network’s Justice League Unlimited. I’m so eggcited for J Hervs that I’m jizzum jazzing all over myself. The dude had so much promise. Remember when he played a young Thorton Melon in Back To School, or the bratty acting kid with Pee-Wee’s bike in his Big Adventure, or when he bullied the kids in The Monster Squad? To hell with Michael J Fox, the 80’s belonged to J Hervs. [scoop via Pak-Man]

– Le Tigre juss announced a fall tour of North America. They hit Irving Plaza on October 31 & November 1st. Their shows are like their music, umcredible, loud, and outta control. Not to be missed peeps.

– MTV has truly jumped the shark with their Lizzie Grubman reality series called PoweR Girls. Look for it, or for that matter, don’t look for it, in 2005.

– It’s no Brady Bunch teeter-totter record, but two Michigan teenagers claim they broke the world record for uninterrupted TV viewing at 52 straight hours, inside an IHOP of all places. I wonder what the record for non-stop blogging is?

– Everyone loves to watch people get hurt. Peep Glenn Danzig get punched-the-fudge out and these biznitches beat the livin daylights out of each other like Timothy Dalton. For more info on these links, czech out my gal CityRagDoll’s stizzle.

– Borat’s “In My Country There Is Problem (aka Throw The Jew Down The Well)” song has really ruffled the feathers of the Anti-Defamation League (ADL). Do they have any clue that the man behind the mustache is none other than Sacha Baron Cohen, a Jew who’s just trying to expose anti-semitism in America, not exploit it? I not only say boo-urns to that, but Jew-urns too! By the way, a true meeting of minds occurs this Sunday when my hero, Ali G, interviews my idol, Andy Rooney!! It doesn’t get much better than this!!!

– Peace the elmer fudge out to Oscar-pimping composer Elmer Bernstein. I’ll be reading the Ten Commandments in yer honor.

– Czech out the video for The Thrills new ditty “Whatever Happened To Corey Haim?”, which happens to be the breastest title since “Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?” And I’m sure this song will pop up on The O.C. sometime this season.

– Still bored? Why not play Frogger, Donkey Kong, Duck Hunt, Pong, Simon, and much more right on yer computer! [via Shake Yer Wanamaker’s Special Lady Friend]

– In a GQ interview, John Kerry admits that he beats off to Charlize Theron, Catherine Zeta-Tomato-Jones-Douglas, and Wayne Gretzky… in not so many words.

– What’s more awfulester than Leonard Part 6? DownSyndromeDolls.com. Click if you dare you evil bastages!!! [via My Man Marvkus]

– And in con-clue-shun… First there was Ill Mitch, who wasn’t really that ill to begin with. And now comes Super Greg, who isn’t really all that super… unless you count his Bertesque uni-brow. I’d like to see a cage match between the two and the winner gets both adjectives in their name. So the champ would be either Super Ill Mitch or Ill Super Greg. [via Guns n Rosenthal]