Thighs Wide Shut

– What’s grosser than gross? I guess anything over 144, but the fact that this girl, who used to work in my office, is doling out costume sex advice. YUCKIKES!!! [via Tim Werespanko/Ram Her Cruisemanko]

– The film I’m dying to see is I, Curmudgeon. No, this isn’t the sequel to some overbloated Will Smith movie, but a documentary featuring interviews with such bastards as comic booker Harvey Pekar, Kid In The Hall Scott Thompson, and the greatest of them all, Andy Rooney. It plays next Thursday in Minny Appleous as a part of the Get Real Docuementary Film Festival.

– Straight Doper Cecil Adams always has an answer to the most random of questions. This week’s queries: Have we ever had a killer in the White House? & What happens to all the stuff that goes down the toilet?

– Translate any url into Ali G-nese. When you apply dis to TWS, yer brain will explode. [via The Thinker]

– One thing I’ve always wanted to do since moving to NYC during Halloween, but still won’t get the chance cause I is DC bound this weekend: Legend Weekend in the Sleepy Hollow hiz-area

– Many Bothans died to bring you Bush’s debate notes. [via Dickie Greenleaf]

– Moby is a wuss.

– Poor poor Rip Torn.

– If you see one movie this weekend, or for that matter, this year, GO SEE Ray. Read our glowing review here where we basically guaranteed that Jamie Foxx will win the Best Actor Oscar. I’ll really be shocked if he doesn’t.

– And here’s a great site of crap where I nicked this fantab animated gif

Added final note #2…

Czech out this krizazy stat (via CBS) that Joey Sack o’ Nickel reminded me of: Since voters elected Franklin Roosevelt to his first of four terms in 1932, the Redskins have forecast the next president of the United States. Over the past 18 elections, a Redskins victory in their last home game before Election Day has preceded a victory by the incumbent party. A home loss before the vote has preceded a loss by the incumbent party. The Redskins play host the Green Bay Packers in Week 8 on Sunday. Well don’t worry cause the Redskins WILL win, cause I’ll be at the game, and so will JFKerry. Thinker seems to agree since this is the year of the Masshole. And juss for shiz and biggles, the Skins were the last team to beat los Pats, and I was at that game too! The Daniel should give me season tickets for being the squad’s lucky rabbit foot!!

Hey Dude, Small Wonder, My Secret Identity. What do all these shows have in common? They were some of the Thigh Master’s all-time flavor favs as a youngin. And as I grew up, so did my taste. These shows have now been replaced in my heart with more humoristic and intellectual fare such as Six Feet Wonder, Da Ali G Show, anything Andy Rooney sez, and of course, one of the finestest shows ever to grace a PAL or NTSC monitor: The Office. In a measly 12 episode set, I had never larfed, cringed, or become so attached to a show’s characters than I did with this BBC import. I got my first taste when my former officemate P Diddy Robbins brought back the first season from the Olde Country. I couldn’t live without seeing the second season and pleaded with my expatriated British Hotlantian bud Jamsey KnightsoftheRoundTable to dig them up for me. The very last episode ended on such a bleak tone that I almost wanted to cry my eyes out. I thought that was the end of it, but found out they released a Christmas Special that put the Star Wars Holiday Special to shame… like thats some feat. The Special picks up 3 years after season 2 ended, as the documentary crew are seeing what everyone’s dilly be.

Now FF (or is that REW) to a month ago when I found out the Special was to finally get its US air date on BBCA in late October. I was more eggcited to peep this than Star Wars: Episode III… like thats some feat. Then Big Bad Bogs informed me that there was going to be a special screening of the Special at the Museum of TV & Radio, with the man behind the goatee himself, Ricky Gervais. I would have sold all of my organs and sperms to be at this event. Luckily it was only 12 dollars.

the DVD comes out with both seasons AND the special (which would make a grand Thigh Master b-day gift). If you’ve never seen any of em, its never to late to start. I personally give it my sign of approval. And if for some reason you aren’t satisfied, I will buy you an ice cream cone from McDonalds (this offer not valid outside of the continental USA).

The Q&A didn’t really reveal much more than I already knew, but Ricky’s greatest influence is Laurel & Hardy and his next project is about being a movie extra. Stay tuned!!

The Office Special airs Thursday, October 21st at 9pm, Saturday, October 23rd at 9pm, and Sunday, October 24th at 9pm. And Ricky will be appearing on Letterman tonight with Jude Law. Quite the Brit-lovefest!

– The National Enquirer are friggin geniusesses. Not cause they have the scoop on Calista Flockhart returning to her home planet of Lipsezzes, but cause last week they beat me to the punch on a headline I could of used on this site (see right, below her feet). [via DJ Southern Fried Rebel]

– Speaking of Ms Thang, Lohan and Mark Ruffles Potato Chips were honored at the Diversity Awards. How could the Double L win one of these thangs when the Awards ‘celebrate diverse achievements in film and television‘? Do you think playing a buxom high school teenager in 4 movies is diverse? Watch yer merry lil steps Meryl Streep!!!

– Britney calls it a day… for now. Possible future replacements as the sluttiest person in entertainment: Jamie Lynn Spears, Dakota Fanning, Charlotte Church, Inconsiderate Cellphone Man, and ROB from Gyromite.

– Playboy is hot to get ye olde hottie Susan Sarandon undressed. My left hand and Jergens® are too!!

– ESPN released their pre-season College B-ball Top 25 Rankings. Da ACC (the greatistist of em all) occupies 6 of dem spots. And since me beloveded Twerps are ranked #10, as usual they’ll probably lose a few or their early games, drop out of the Top 25, beat some highly ranked squads, make the tourney, only to lose in the second round. CAN’T F-IN WAIT!!

– Bush’s thought process EGGSPLAINED!! Read this shiz and tell me you still want to vote for this Commander In Thief.

– You thought Apple Blythe Martin was an oddleistic name? How bout Sir Bob Geldof’s daughters: Pixie, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and of course Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily? Who cares, I’d love to pick Pixie’s pocket and see if Peaches’ peach is fuzzy or not!

– Sam Mendes and Shrek team up for Broadway. Screw that, bring on Toy Story: The Musical or Rosie O’Donnell’s Head Meets Mr Guillotine.

– Peace the fork out Pierre Salinger. Yer eyebrows belong in the Hall of Fame next to Andy Rooney’s, Martin Scorsese’s, and of course, NY1’s own George Whipple da III’s.

– Air, Dizzee Rascal, Nellie McKay and TV on the Radio are scheduled to perform at the Shortlist ceremony at the Avalon Theater in Hollywood on November 15. More names to be added.

– Get yer free tickets to tapings of Jimmy Kimmel and Carson Daly. Btw, wtf is the deal with The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion being Daly’s ‘house band’ for an entire week? That makes about as much sense as Jews for Jesus.

– THE REDSKINS WON A GAME!!! Joe Gibbs is the messiah and we’re going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl!!!

– Club Paris. I wish that first word was used as a verb and not a noun.

– Break out yer 20-sided dice and max out dem hit points cause Dorks & Dwebs Dungeons & Dragons turned 30 this past weekend!! And in honor of the event, we should all burn every DVD copy in eggsistance of the self-titled movie starring Jeremy Irons. Jeremy’s Iron? Mm hmm, well that’s…very good…for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you’d like to bounce it?

– Did you know that some 40 percent of Albanians have no street address?

– And finally, Crazy Horse Kin Want Strip Club Renamed

What you doing this weak end? I don’t really care, but I thought it would be nice to ask. Anywho, here’s what I’m doing…

– Being enlightened by Andy Rooney.

– Forcing you all by knifepoint to see Dig! (opening this weekend at the Sunshine in NY/Nuart in LA!). What, you’d rather see Will Smith play an f-in fish?

– Sitting on a couch

– Acting like a monkey when I see Supergrass @ Webster Hall.

– Going to the Dive Bar and watch the Skins take on the Browns, in what is sure to be NFL’s most un-eggciting game of the week!

– Trying to understand what THX 1138 was all about.

– Staying away from all men when I hear ‘Michael’ at the Franz Federline show @ Roseland.

– Having my a$$ catch on fire at the Chile Pepper Fiesta.

– Scribbling the words ‘Lindsay Lohan’ in my notebook all day long.

– Building a sukkah out of Legos.

– The costumes have juss been unveiled for the new The Fantastic Four movie. I have serious reservations about how good it will actually be, especially since the most apt person to play The Thing czeched out on us in ’98, but after taking this Alba pic to the bathroom for 18 1/2 minutes, this will tee-boviously be the most frantastic Fantastic Four movie Mt everest! Bi-the-weigh, why on earth did the producers choose one of Gawd’s mostest gorgeous creatures play an INVISIBLE WOMAN!!! Wasn’t their a need for Spread Eagle Girl? [via Navi/Pakulashaker]

– The mostest pointless news story rocking the world right now is that Her Royal Thighness will not reveal her political affiliation. And why should she? She’s piecing together her run for the White House with Michael Dukakis in ’08. Backdafuckup Hillary Clinton and Hilary Duff!!

– Did you catch Mike Wallace’s interview with jack-ass at-large Bill O’Reilly on the season premiere of 60 Minutes? It was only 1/2 as umcredible as Andy Rooney’s rant about his disgust for people who don’t vote.

– Bob Dylan gets all Jewish and shit this past weak end. [via Glennmidiah and the Burrito Posse]

– Download the new U2 song here. You know what they say, if it aint baroque, then don’t fix it. [via ProductFudgeShoppeNYC]

– I always thumb thru every single piece of spam I get, but usually I’m not interested in such offers to lower my mortgage, increase my penis size, or a large sum of money with my name on it waiting for me in Nigeria. However, this company caught my eye and I’m thinking of getting a large balloon of The Kid to hang outside of HQ in Thighland, Thailand.

– Old firecrotch hotness, Julianne Moore, beats out lower-lip biting hotness, Katie Holmes at this paat week end’s box office. By the way, is anyone out there jonesing for me to revive my Box Office Bidness thang? I’ve left it for dead ever since we went all dot org and stuff.

– How are we suppose to take the Moro Islamic Liberation Front seriously, if their acronym is MILF? [via Laing Sack of Shit]

– Larry David’s TV wife joins the cast of Lohan Herbie: Fully Loaded.

– Matt Sharp & Rivers Cuomo’s reunion may never see the light of day. And whatever you do, please don’t rent the Michael J Fox/Joan Jett mastercheese, Light of Day.

– FraudFrond.com, a site more useless than TWS. However, they did link to these fine sites: Eric Conveys An Emotion and good ole Engrish. [via Seltzer with an H]

– Dame Mary Poppins will never sing again. Whoever that bastage is who botched her throat operation should be forced to watch Princess Diarrheas & Princess Diarrheas 2: Royal Engagement over and over again until his eyes fall out.

– T4. Quadruple BOOOO-urns!!! Like I care if Claire Danes saves us from my-so-called future.

– Is the world really yearning for an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? I for one is clamoring for a big screen adventure from Dangermouse or Hulk Hogan’s Rock N’ Wrestling!

– Everyone contact Wagamama and demand that they bring one to the grand ole USA NOW!

– This is a whole lotta whistling.

– Mailboxes, etc. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– And here’s a charming headline to start yer week off right: Teacher Sends Feces Home With 6-Year-Old