Thighs Wide Shut

– The biggest hit at the Thigh Master’s family Channanaunaukah brunch besides the Latkes had to be Cat Butt Gum. Nothing sez Judaism more than chewable felines’ anus. Anywho, Mumsy seemed to enjoy the lil thangs I got for her, and hopefully popsy will have the nerve to rock his Manischewitz® tee in public. On the receiving end, me was pretty happy to getz a new pair of 180s ear muffs and the $40 A Day book. Think these gifts blow? Oh yeah, well Hannaunankah does too! At least le fam del Thigh Master are Jamaica bound and gagged in a couple o weeks time! Thank Gawd AND the Maccabees!!

– The Golden Globes, the mostest pointless awardses, have announced their nominations. Still, it is a nice to see someone recognize the amazingness that is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

– A baby is born with no face (pussies need not click). [via Victor Newborski]

– Andy Rooney: CBS News Anchor?

– This guy can’t be fo real. [via Z de la R]

– Last minute holiday shopping: Rocky statue or some Star Wars locks of hair. [via the I-Train]

– Carl’s Jr to add a hamburger w/fried egg to their breakfast line-up. Will the bigger guns follow suit? But more importantly, when will MacDougal’s start selling their hash browns all day? [via Made of Brawnsteeee]

– And the breastest headline I’ve read in awhile be: Lindsay Lohan’s Huge Thighs Are Responsible For Her Weight Loss! Huge are not, in her thighs, we lust!!

– Marc my words, The Pacifier, starring Vin Diesel as a Navy SEAL turned nanny, will be the wurstest movie of 2005. Be sure to watch the trailer. And is it me, or is this the same thang as The WB’s Commando Nanny?

– Andy Rooney is LORD: “Hammacher Schlemmer sells what they call a ‘name doormat.’ The one in the catalog has ‘Smith’ on it, but the idea is you get your own name put on it. That’s a bad idea, isn’t it? I don’t want a doormat with people wiping their feet on my name. Some of the letters I get are bad enough. If someone gave me a doormat for Christmas, I’d rather have one with ‘Smith’ on it instead of ‘Rooney.'”

– Popeyes is 2nd place LORD.

– After CRUSHING Elijah & the Giants, dem Redskins are BACK IN THE PLAYOFF HUNT!! Peace the fork out 49ers.

– What’s an odder pairing than Bill Gates & Mischa Barton? How bout Paul Allen getting his doug jollies on with buxom baby Laura Harring, of Mulholland Drive fame… Btw, in the same article it mentions that Lohan drinks alcohol in bathrooms at restaurants.

– Don’t look at this for too long.

– Magnapop, one of me mos flavorite bands of the early 90s, will finally be dropping a new LP on January 25th, entitled Mouthfeel. You can preview bits of it here.

– Stream the new Chemical Brothers song, ‘Galvanize’, featuring Q-Tip in Real or Winbows Mediar.

– Get yer Turin, Italy Winter Olympics 2006 tickets here. Women’s curling tix will go fast!!

– What be yo Pimp Name? [via Fleaski]

– Cookiepuss’ voice scares me… so does Tom Carvel’s. [via J$$Bill]

– While Team Thighs is camped out to be the first to buy Lohan’s debut album tomorrow, just be safe in the k-knowledge that “Lindsay doesn’t smoke pot, she smokes cigarettes.”

– When I grow up, I want to work for the Poon Design Group. I’ll be Mr Poon’s personal secretary, so I’s can make him coffee and then ask him, Sugar, Mr Poon? [via TiVo Junkie]

– Meet Ulrich Haarbürste. On his website he likes to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. Ok, sure, whatever, well, nevermind. [via Can’t Sit Stiller]

– And could this be the World’s greatest 4 star hotel?

– Virgin Mary In Grilled Cheese on eBay sells for $28K! But the madness doesn’t end there folks. Bid on Virgin Mary On Grilled Cheese@gmail.com or a trucker hat with her lady of GC or VMGC ala Warhol. Looking for something w/out Jesus’ mumsy, yet grilled cheese related? Why not bid on this photo of a Wyoming model with a grilled cheese sandwich!

– Wurstest use of the moniker ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ and horriblistic punning in general can be found right here. Somebody please send this guy straight to the PUNitentiary.

– I haven’t watched a full episode of ESPN’s SportsCenter in maybe 4+ years, but at least they still make fabulouso commercials. Case in point Star Wars vs. SportsCenter.

– Like more matchups and have nada to do tonight? Go see Senor Fluxbog take on Scotty Stereoshizzle in the The MP3 Blogger Battle @ APT (West 13th (9th/Washington) NYC) @ 10pm. These guys know their shiz, and they know Bo, but Bo don’t know Diddley.

– What happened here? [via Cubs Fan #1]

– Why on earth would anyone ever send a letter to Andy Rooney? I mean, he’s no Morey Schaeffer.

– How come none of yas clued me on on this whole Fat Darrell sandwich (chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks and french fries) dealio? And because you all let me down, I guess I’ll just have to eat 12 of them in one sitting.

– Nuttin sez Happy Anniversary to JFK’s brains exploding like a videogame!

– PEACE THE FORK OUT Franco-American SpaghettiOs.

– Did my girl Marianne Grizzle coin the word ‘mobnoxious‘?

– The Washington National’s brand spankin’ new logo is enuff to make me want to be an Orioles fan again. Boo. Boo Williams. Boo Berry. But props de leon to whomever the webmaster of WashingtonNationals.com is. MLB will be ponying up some major cheddar for some of dat urlness!

– Gawd I love NY. And so does U2. See Stereogum for more.

– This year yers jewly hit up the Lebowski Fest. Next year I’m aiming higher: Twin Peaks Festival 2005, set for July 29-July 31.

– Sleep easy tonight Grambsy, cause Camden, NJ just replaced Detroit as the nation’s most dangerous city! But was this decided before or after Ron Artest came to town?

– I LOUVRE posters. Hispecially Olympic ones.

– The Karate Kid Chimp. [via Nipsy Newbsy]

– Juss wanna say that The Thinker and myself are rocket scientologists for queuing up around 8:45 am this past Saturday for le grande re-opening of the MoMA. We got in no problem at 10. And when we left the museo, the line was 6 times the size. SUKKAHS!!! And oh yeah, the new digs FRIGGIN ROCK!! Cept they could use a few more Lichtensteins and a place to smoke pot… and like free bitches (an Ali G invention).

– Finally, in the realm of Her Royal Thighnessness, because she’s still the hottiest lil trollop in our solar system, and cause she makes the mos wickedest bowl of Rice Krispies after morning 69, I’ve decided to give Cuthy Cutbertson (HRT the II) a couple more weeks to clean up her act/dye her hair and pubes back to dirty dirty blonde before I can david givens her the boot. Meanwhile, Her Former Royal Thighness the I was quoted as saying “I want to be a young mom.” Well, Lord of the Thighs sez good luck with that sweet tits. You know you can’t drink when yer preggers.

– PEACE the fork out el creator of Flash! Send some shimmy-yas to ODB when you see him.

– Boo.

– The gawds muss be crazy to allow MTV Africa.

– MAJOR PROPS deLeon go out to my grrrrl Ultra and her nifty book deal! [via the Gid]

– Ricky Gervais, the mos modest man around.

– Who knew there were clouds on your anus? [via Marvcus Patton the II]

– Only a video game could make Monica Bellucci look awful.

– I love the guy, but I really don’t think of Tom Hanks when I read Robert Langdon’s adventures. Does that mean they’re going to dig up Jessica Tandy to play the French chick?

– I know my b-day was a week ago, but does someone wanna drop 10K so me can finally own my own Scoreboard w/Jumbotron? [via Navi the Terrible]

– Having trouble stalking B-Real or Sista Soulja cause u don’t know their real names? Click here for that AND more! [via Cubs Fan #1]

– Jack White, in lengthy interview, sez album #5 to be recorded soon and with a possible release next year. And in the meantime, pre-order their Live DVD and get a free Tee!

– U2 to tour America staring in March. The only known date is March 1st, somewhere in the state Florida. [via The Shopppppeee]

– Spoon to play a few Texas shows in early December and Britt Daniel is going it alone November 26th at Maxwell’s in Ho-broken. More details here.

– Biff Tanner, from Back To The Future, pop art-teest at large? [via Gumbo Gomby]

ApParently Trap, we now have a sports section:

– After delivering on of his breastest diatribes of the year, Andy Rooneyski laid an egg this week with his take on what needs to be changed in sports today. And although the NFL is the finest organization (besides TWS.org) in the world, I do agree with his notion that, “It would be illegal for an NFL game to go past 7 p.m. on Sunday night and intrude on 60 Minutes.” Amen brother curmudgeon man.

– Sure the Redskins lick five day old microwaved tunafish sandwiches, but I never give up hope… well at least until their officially eliminated from the playoff race.

– Giants fans’ prayers have finally been answered: get ready for Manning Version 2.0.

– To Hate Duke or To Love Those HOMOwners? That is the question. Either way, the Terps and their fans RULE, so eat a dick Matthew Waxman for saying otherwise. [all(aboard) via The I-Train]

Back to crap…

– Crazy Kent? More like LAME-HO Kent.

– Click me for a SFW video that appears NSFW (Windows Media Stizzle) [via My Man Marvkus]

– Beavers Weave Stolen Cash Into Dam [via Time Werespanko]

– And in closing, Stephen King really has a hard-on for our belovededed Cuthy Cuthbertenson. He first mentioned her last month by saying, ‘For every pretty, talented Elisha Cuthbert there is a Paris Hilton and her little dog, too.‘ Well, in his ultra-lame-o monthly EW column, he mentions how thankful he is for a new season of 24 filled with Kiefer Sutherland’s loud breathing, and then added, ‘Elisha Cuthbert is the best supporting actress on TV. Case closed.‘ Look, I’d bone Cuthy 14 ways from Wednesday, but I’m sure there are better supporting actressess out there (think that hippo woman from The Practice). I bet Stephen some how incorporates his love for Cuth-above-the-rest-bert in his next book. I can see it now: The Author Who Love Elisha Cuthbert. Either way, BACKDAFORKUP nerd boy, cause she’s all mine… or whoever that guy she’s engaged too.

Plain and nipple simple, you don’t, unless you watch the uber–unhotness VIDEO of it happening!! [updated betterest areola vid link mad hotness via Dis Lonely Hizland]

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– I never thought I’d see the day, but Elisha Cuthy Cuthinson did something that makes me want to puke all over my penis: had raw tuna for lunch.

– For those who care (or to see how orange she is), Her Former Royal Thighness, LL’s guest spot on That ’70s Show will air on November 10th – this Wednesday. And while u wait for that, Grambs dissects her upcoming album’s cover. Seriously, where are the tits!!

– So much good info from The Fiddler today: Six Feet Over? Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!! At least they know how to go out on top unlike The So-borings. Simpsons flick set for 2008. And after peeping Tim Burton’s Wonka poster, I’m officially scared for me and all the Augustus Gloops out there.

– CAT IN SPACE!!!! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Renee Zellweger engaged to Jack White? Maybe puffer fish face will take over on drums for Meg.

– Ewan McGregor as 007? NOW there’s something I can get behind… besides Jude Law on all fours!

– Google helps you find porn and now can even save people’s lives! [via Mediabistro]

– NBC will continue to carry the wurstest in network sports… at least until 2011.

– How does one purrfectly advertise for that super Wilco-Lips-Kinney New Year’s show? They do it like dis.

– The 70s were such an awful decade. Let these Weight Watchers recipe cards be further proof. [via My Man Marvkus]

– How dare some yokel use the great name of Waffle House in a song bashing Kerry. To make us all feel better, read the brief history of Waffle House. [both via Made of Brawnsteeen]

– The International Sand Collectors Society. These guys get slightly more pussy than the Elephant Man.

– Bruce Lee animated gif, from Johnny Dollar to you and me.

– Peace the fork out to Howard Keel, a man I knew little about, cept he had a WICKED-a$$ mustachio!

– Everyone knows the Thigh Master is a man all about dem Japanese peoples. And you should too, cause who doesn’t love ‘Japanese business man is tired‘ and bitch slappingings. [both via Newbsy Russell]

– Andy Rooney delivered one of his sharpest curmudgeon thing-a-ma-bobs of the year on last evening’s 60 Minutes.

– Adidas’ T-Mac 4: the mos pointless shoe since the Reebok Pump? If you see Dee Brown sporting these, run for your lives!

– Loathe green beans like me, then don’t even think about trying the Green Bean Casserole Soda.

– Alert to Arkansas boys who enjoy swordfighting, keep an eye on the Arkansas girl who can blow a 16-inch bubble.

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– 19 lobsters in 35 minutes. My hero.

– And just wanted to briefly mention the two fab election week shows I attended last week: Le Tigre @ Irving Platz and R.E.M. @ MSG. Le Tigs f-in rocked… whilst playing as few instruments as humanly possible. It was the day before the election and spirits were high… especially being around a ton o lesbians rocking out, who you knew were voting for JFKerry. The new and old tunes shined on like crazy diamonds. As for Rapid Eye Movement, a lot of peeps be knocking how boring their new album is, but they juss plain crazy. Listen to it 7 mo times for a full effect. And personally, I think since Bill Berry left the group, they’ve only gotten BUTTER! Yepper-ino. The show I saw was two days after the election. Stipey and co were rather quiet, quiet like the new songs, but the energy was high, but not as high as me. They summed up how the audience was feeling when when they opened with ‘It’s The End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)’ and before playing classic ‘Cuyahoga’, said ‘This is a song about Ohio’ to a chorus of boooos (to the red state, not the song). And sure, some of the new songs slowed down the set, and I wasn’t too happy the didn’t play the breastest song off of Around The Sun, ‘Electron Blue’, but it tit all sounded so beautiful (was that heteroflexible sounding enuff?). You can find the set-list here. Howevs, the show was not nearly as umcredible as the two I caught last year around this time on their greatistist hits tour. And I juss wanna add that it be a crying shame that the show wasn’t even sold out. C’mon people, they’re just as good as fellow 20+ year olders U2, cept they didn’t play inside a giant lemon or like the Pope’s johnson. So go and support the gay political bald dude. He needs more money to be gayer, politicaller, and even more bald. Who loves ya baby?