Thighs Wide Shut

• March 9th – One day in and we already have our first spin-off blog, AhRonGuy. Too bad it was one entry and gone for Mr. Ah Ron. But others would follow, like Kid Kadoji, The Thinker, Dropping off a Blog in the Turlet…, and The I-Train

• March 10th – First link to another blogger’s site, Mr Bandwagon Boy’s review of the new Mell Gibbsen movie Jesus Christ the Passions!

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• March 11th – First mention of Elisha Cuthbert (Her Royal Thighness the II) AND my sistah Flea becomes the first person credited for contributing a link. The link was this

• March 12th – ALF becomes the first pic posted in Thigh Wide Herstory. Thanks to Code 7R for letting me steal from their bandwidth for over a year and not saying a word!

• March 14th – Steve Buscemi & John Waters are the subjects for the first ‘Switched at Birth’ thang (which later would become ‘Bitched @ Swirth’)

• March 17th – Steven Weber of Wings fame becomes the first celeb I’ve run into since starting this whole thang.

• March 19th – Spot The Drummer debuts

• March 22nd – Eternal Sunshine & Intermish receive the first full Thighs Wide Review

• March 24th – I reveal my alter ego

• March 30th – Jesus blesses us with our first posted animated gif. No, not that Jesus.

• April 19th – The term ‘‘cock-blogged is introduced into the lexicon for all to use.

• April 30th – Dan Newbower becomes the first guest-blogger on this day.

• May 9th – My site finally overtakes all other booty-arsed urls as the #1 result when searching for ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ on Google.

• May 18th – I become fiending blog whore and start a second site: RidersOfLohan.blogspot.com. That lasted all of 12 seconds. Great name though, if I muss say so myself. I say you can say so! Thanks me. You’re quite welcome me.

• May 26th – We were added to F.U.B.A.R.’s link roll. The influx of hits hasn’t stopped since.

• June 2nd – Like the Jeffersons, I moved on up into Grambo‘s ‘Creme de la Creme’ category of link-a-dinks.

• June 4th – I am informed that I’m not the first blog to utilize the picture of The Kid :(

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• June 11th – Some douche bag buys ThighsWideShut.com before I did :(

• June 15th – Thigh Master meets Napoleon Dynamite

• July 2nd – While America was 2 days away from celebrating our independence from the Brits, we celebrated Lohan’s birth, the death of ThighsWideShut.blogspot.com and the birth of ThighsWideShutDOTOrg. Sure, this is the day I started to pay money TO blog, but I no longer had to steal people’s images/bandwidth.

• July 4th – I bowl a 231!!!

• July 7th – Thigh Master featured in national commercial whoring Napoleon Dynamite. Some might call this ‘un-baaa-leave-able!’

• July 9th – Lohan haunts my dreams

• July 11th – Lindsay Ismims becomes my newest bestest friend!

• July 15th – Lohan is dubbed the first ‘Her Royal Thighness’.

• July 16th – In memory of the founder of Gold’s Gym, the phrase ‘Peace The Fork Out’ is brought into this world for all to use. Up til then, I had been using ‘Peace The Fuck Out’, which is an homage to the Travis song of the same name. Wanna search all the ‘Peace The Fork Out’s? Thought so.

• July 20th – Prince Charles takes his first ride in cab EVER!

• July 25th – The readers of TWS.org vote that I should marry Lohan. Cuthbert wasn’t even on the ballot. Tsk tsk on my cysts.

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• August 8th – My love of corn is revealed

• August 18th – Our Thighs Spies scoop about Lohan’s lohandlers on the set of Herbie not only got some Defamer love, but also made the ‘buzz’ section of one of the most ghetto free newspapers in the world, The AM-NY… although not credited directly.

• August 22nd – I decide one and for all, The Thigh Master needs an heir

• September 1st – Ms Washingtonienne’s Playboy pics are unleashed. I consider chopping off my penis.

• September 12th – Sister Thigh Master engaged, FINALLY!!

• September 28th – Thigh Master meets Ultra and the Raveonettes

• September 29th – Baseball returns to DC

• October 5th – The last Thighs Wide Shut poll’s results

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• October 20th – Lohan’s long reign as Her Royal Thighness is over, as we welcomed our second Queen, Elisha Cuthbert. What can I say, my new sweetheart loves a man who loves corn. On this day I also received the best news in my first year as a Master of Thighs: Graham Coxon to re-join Blur!!

• November 3rd – Kerry gives up and I get all political… FOR ONCE!

• November 5th – Tara Reid’s gives us the nip slip. Yuuuuuuuuuurcsdcvjcvk!!

• November 7th – I celebrate myself and others born on this day.

• November 19th – Cuthbert dyes her hair and ALMOST gets booted from the Kingdom of Thighland

• November 22nd – Ron Artest goes ape shit & I hand in my bestest worstest Photoshopping to date. I also lie to everyone at work, go to the secret U2 show & insta-blog what’s going on to Stereogum.

• November 30th – Cuthy turns 22 and I wax poetic

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• December 1st – Ken Jennings LOSES!

• December 2nd – I request an intern. Only two people apply, but I never reply to them. I feel bad. But I think I do need an intern to search for crap on my behalf. Any takes out there? Email me.

• December 7th – Toughest day of my life

• December 12th – I become the first person to launch the search for Team Zissou Adidas shoes. Too bad they never made any, so people were forced to DIY it and some sold them for recockulous prices on eBay… which apparently no longer allows anyone to sell them.

• January 5th, 2005 – Superficial’s snaps of Jessica Alba in a white bikini officially end any chances that I may turn gay. And this proves that Jeff Gaycia is not gay-cia. But before you’re gay, you see The Hole.

• January 14th – My idol, Andy Rooney turns 86

• January 18th – Mischa Barton sheds the Falkor look and out-hots Her Royal Thighness the II at the Golden Globes. Barf-on becomes Her Royal Thighness the III for a day! Then went back to looking like Falkor.

• January 19th – Jamie Lynn Spears mania hits an all time high in the House of Thighs

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• February 2nd – I fall asleep at a concert for the first time and the future of TV is possibly saved!

• February 11th – Call it ‘Writer’s Blogck’ cause how else do you eggsplain how I could not come up with a title for a posting?

• February 16th – ‘Super-Giraffe’ movie idea is born

• March 8th – Thighs Wide turns 1!!! Duhvs!

Bitched @ Swirth

• Exxon & … • Rob Dibble & … • Cosby & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt I • Kim Clijsters & … AND Passanger 57 & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt II • Jenna Bush & … • Me & … • Kim Fowley, Ed Begley Jr. & … • John Kerry & EVERYONE • Lee Iacocca & … • I Heart Huckabees & … • Kuato from Total Recall & … • Carlos D & … • Not one of mine, but way worthy: Arafat &… • I was kinda proud of this one: The Bitched @ Swirth Trio Combo • This is probably 2nd finestest evs, and almost to true to be funny: Mischa Barton &… • Darrell Hammond & … • Napoleon Dynamite & … • The Kid & …

• Wyatt/Ilan Mitchell-Smith

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• Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano

• Chloe Sullivan/Allison ‘The’ Mack

• Biff Tanner/Tom Wilson

• Urkel/Jaleel White

• Wayne Arnold/Jason Hervey

• NOT Shia LaBeouf Cake

• D.A.R.Y.L./Barret Oliver

Fame Is A Bitch

• Still One of the Most Uncomfortable Pictures Ever

• Rich Kotite

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• Cut It Out.net

• John Kerry Is A Douche Bag But Im Voting For Him Anyway.com

• Draft Ditka

• Book Corky for your next event or The Fridge!

• Doing a Lynndie

• Scotty/James Doohan 4 EVA!

• Carl Lewis’ music video

• Hillary, Laura, and me

• ‘I hear there’s rumors on the internets‘

• Ulrich Haarbürste writes stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film

• Andrew Llllloyd Groper

• JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com

• The Many moods of Mischa Barton

Spank The Lord I Aint Any of These People

• The Tron Costume Guy w/the male camel toe!

• The Man of LaMustache

• The woman who stomped grapes

• Man selling swords on TV hurts himself

• Brutally Honest Personals

• World’s greatest mugshot?

• If I fall, will you catch me?

• Review of Dr. Ted Rothstein’s cosmetic braces

• BikerFox

• Angry Black Man: The Video

• The strange story of Lewis V Sills (we’re still the #1 search for it)

• What is this guy doing?

• The mos uncomfortable news report you may ever peep. You were warned. If you need to feel better, maybe you need to peep these news reports.

• Ouchers

• The Day After Party

• The Numa Numa kid

Listen Up

• Gunther Branlutte hands in one of the year’s best songs, ‘You Touch My Tralala’, videos [NSFW], and games [NSFW] that no one even remembers.

• 10 worst album covers of all time

• The Jim Mora Rants

• Coldplay hands in ‘Nappies‘

• The Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ remixes revisted

• I hope David Bowie never sees this

• CookiePuss speaks!

• ’99 Luft Problems’

• Thighs Wide Music of ’04

Cinemasters

• The faux Hobbit trailer

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• The faux Episode III trailer & Being teased by Ep III‘s teaser

• The breastest movie songs of all thyme

• Ebert & Roeper memorable review of White Chicks, audio style

• The Next Citizen Kane

• The only Mulholland Dr website you’ll ever need

• The Wet Dream Team

• No budget filmmaking at its mos awfulistical

• Why rent The Girl Next Door, when you can watch the best part here.

• Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project

• Thighs Wide Movies of ’04

Shall We Play A Game?

• The Subservient Chicken

• Let Them Sing It For You

• Touch this guy’s face

• Chicken Pong

• Kids ‘N Play

• Punch Bush in the face

• ROCK OUT!

• Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game

ProductShopTWS

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• Fake Dr Pepper

• Butt Paste

• Yarmulkebra

• Custom M&Ms!

• Nothing quite sez Chappy Channukah like this

• Torture your child

• For once, being a red state is a good thing

• Cat Butt Gum

• ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtray

• Steve Perry as Robocop

The Information Super Thighway

• Bar Mitzvah Disco

• 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

• Words I hate and words I love

• Build your own KITT car

• 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records

• Boong Ga Boong Ga

• Cellie-Bratin’ The Subway’s Cent-Tennyul

• Learn how to give a mouse an enema

• Search & Destro

• My best ‘Peace The Fork Out’ piece. The best one I didn’t do.

Information-less Super Thighway

• Ping pong madness

• Volume on and get ready for a sirprize

• Duct Tape Prom Fashions

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• Ali G’s Ghettosburg Address @ Harvard’s Graduation (FFwd to 01:27:34, unless you want to be bored for 90 minutes)

• Foriegn fingers

• Nuclear Bob’s Shirt of the Day

• POLAPOLAPOLAP

• Wurstest re-offender dot.evs

• Borat sings ‘Throw The Jew Down The Well’ and the world will never be the same

• Two girls beat the fork outta each other

• 2004 Asian Mustache Olympics

• Khaaaaaaaaaan!

• Whatevs.blogspot.com

• Hipster Jenga

• Why The World Hates American Tourists

• EaglesHaveNeverWonTheSuperBowl.com

• The Karate Chimp

• The Rubik’s Cube Kid

• Saved By The Be(ll)st

• Sausages: The Video

The Not Safe For Work
(NSFW) Collection

• A pic of Lil Kim’s Ill Na Na between her thighs.

• Why is this black man sucking of Courtney Love’s breast in public again?

• This one will make u lose yer lunch

• Rate My Camel Toe

• Cumshots, the band, and their stage show

• Ludivine Sagnier Nekkid

• Elvira nekkid

• Flash Mountain

• Watch the kid in the background

• Is this yer granny or yer gran-pa-pa?

• Natalie Portman was so darn good in Closer, and by good, I mean pole dancing up a storm!

• Tonya from Real World/Road Rules Playboys pics

• Japanese Anime dolls that poop

• Really milky titttties

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Porn

YOU, yes you, did a stooopendus job clicking dear readers. I ask of you only this one thing: Name me your favorite headlines from the past year (i.e. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Behrooz). Or ignore what I juss said and marvel at this collage of some of the best beards and ‘staches…

– Lemme start out by saying I am a huge hypocrite. On Friday, I tore Be Cool a new arsepipe and what did I go and do this weekend? Get FORCED by knifepoint to see it in theaters by my so called ‘friend’ Dickey Greenleaf. I wanted to see Dear Frankie with the every lovely Emily Mortimer, but I did get free popcorn for trying to Be Cool. Anywho, a full review is 4thcummin, but lettuce juss say that the percentage of Vince Vaughn movies sucking dingleberry cereal has risen from 76 to 82%. I mean, the effin Pacifier beat it at the box office!! And don’t even get me started on Steven Tyler…

– Andy Rooney’s take on the Oscars is his best of the year. ‘There are a couple of categories they might add to the Oscars. Lowest cut dress might be a category. We studied some pictures for a long time trying to pick a winner. It was a tie between Natalie Portman and Salma Hayek. I never heard of either of them, but they probably never heard of me, either.‘

– U2 add fall dates to their tour. They hit MSG 10/7, 8 & 10.

– More Danny Boyle madness, like Porno: Trainspotting 2, 28 Weeks Later, a sci-fi pic, and The Odyssey?!! The future’s so bright, I’ve got to wear shades!!

– Steven Shainberg’s follow-up to Secretary will be a Diane Arbus biopic starring Nic Kid.

– Britney to follow in Celine’s footsteps, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to marry some older creepy guy who looks like he always wearing eyeliner.

– Anyone else feel sorry for Flava?

– Don’t eggspect Mike Skinner to appear in Austin Powers 4: LotsPussy.

– Let’s make believe that Weezer could have come up with a better album title.

– Greatest name you never heard of: Fenella Woolgar

– The Singhsons [via Johnny Dollar$$]

– Chinese Adviser Urges Lip Synching Ban

There will be no more postings until tomorrow in preparation for a very special specialness. In the meanthyme…

[via UMC]

– Peace le fork out to The Gates, the namer of the Macintosh computer, & the king of intermittent wipers. In all yer all’s honor, I’m going to create the first orange Macintosh that has it’s own screen wiper. That’s almost a better idea than my giraffe movie.

– In a recent interview, Cuthy (HRT the II) reveals this about our private life, ‘We actually had wax*. It was interesting and messy, but it was fun.’ *’wax’ is what we call banging against a wall whilst covered in Blue Crazeberry-flavored ChapStick®.

– Former Thighs-In-Law, Papa Lohan, is planning a reality TV-show about his upcoming divorce proceedings with estranged wife Dina. If it ever comes to fruition, it has a shot a beating Jonny Zero in the ratings.

– Don’t fear, the Trainspotting sequel (aka Renton) is alive and well. Danny Boy Boyle is juss waiting for the original actors to look ‘middle-aged’.

– Win an Oscar, live longer. But what will Hillary do when she outlives her beloveded Chad Lowe?

– Andy Rooney, please tell us how you feel about our past Presidents.

– Originality is dead. Check out one of The Trying Game‘s categories…

– I like vanilla more than chocolate.

– That’sJustNotRight.gross/NSFW [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– Play with me

– The Twerps may blow, but JJ’s the one who’s Redickulous(ly gay)! [via Ad Mich]

– Merry effin b-day to my boy Don Jon de Wannamaker. Now stop being so tall.

– I thought Lolo’s Behrooz Shop was a great idea in theory, like communism. Too bad CafePress didn’t agree and promptly closed their doors. I mean, who wouldn’t want to rock a shirt like ‘What Would Behrooz Do?’ or this:

What a long and strange binge it’s been, but yer humble mumbler is back stateside and happy to return to the land of quality hamburgers and infotainment. I’ll have a full up-wrap of my Eurotrip… juss as soon as I can remember what happened. But as ‘they’ say, the blog muss go on!!! Sorry if you’ve seen any of the below info before, but hey, it’s Newzzz To Me.

– Where can you see Her Royal Thighness the II run in a sweaty white tee? Nope, not this season of 24, but what is sure to be this summer’s hummer, The House of Wax. More like House of YES!! Too bad there’s already a movie called that. Peep the BRAN new trailer here!

– Sideways is boosting sales of pinot noir. I wonder what tis doing to Merlot sales? Whatta ya say Miles?

– That fat kid dancing to the Romanian techno song isn’t from Holland after all, but from dirty Jersey? [via Double D]

– My girl, Anna Chlumsky, apparently NOT smoking cak for nickels!! [via Dog of Landers]

– The Saturday Night Fever disco dancefloor is going up for auction. If Gene Siskel were still breathing, you think he would have snatched it up to go along with his prized possession: Tony Manero’s in-famous white suit?

– Twats slightly more funnierisitic than Ghost Dad? The National Women’s Football Association. Big ups to ex-Skin Brian Mitchell for being named as the Assistant GM of my new mos flavorite team, the DC Divas! [via Juwanamaker]

– How many segments do you think eggisist of Andy Rooney complaing about adverts? Dunno, but lettuce juss say it’s more than one.

– Belated Peace The Forkage outtage to Twin Peaks‘ man who pretended to be forked the peace out, Andrew Packard, and the crash-test dummy inventor (and no, not of the ‘Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm’ variety)

– 70s & 80s Hand Held Arcade Games

– Ukulele Books

– In news that I’m sure would even make Michael Jackson sick to his stomach: A 2 year-old girl has been selected to marry a 40 year-old man! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– Who can turn a proper noun into a verb like it was nobody’s Better Business Bureau? Why, Peabs of course who ‘has been one to spasm-jasm my spyro-gyra into Elmira’s coffee (she takes it black; muhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!) and shat toffee into David Klingler’s Debra Winger.’

And although it’s closer to this Friday than last…

Me juss wanted to send out a special I HEART YOU to the sweetest darn thang in all of Thighland, Mrs Elisha Cuthbert-Thigh Master The II. Without you, none of this would be possible. I’d also probably have only 4 readers. And merry B-Day to Kid Kadoji!

[pics via The Double V]

– For those of you rolling solo like Han on V-Day, here’s a special treat: every famous person’s Playboy pictorial, from Le Femme Nikita, to Old Blue Eyes’ daughter, to Mike Tyson’s punching bag, and even to a very scary/hairy Madgedonna. Enjizz Enjoy! [via ONTD]

– And if you need tips on how best to enjoy enjizz the above haz matz, let the Druken Stepfather be yer guide.

– Not a good day if yer a fan of the NHL or Jeff Gaycia.

– WHY GAWD WHY did you allow someone to make an American/bastardized version of the The Office? Watch many a painful clips here. The agony begins Thursday March 24th @ 9:30. So much for much for must see TV. More like, muss pee on my TV when I see these shows TV!! [via ONTD, again]

– I often wonder if PG County Police have a whole division dedicated to Twerp fans.

– ABBA reunite publicly for the first time in almost 20 years! Too bad that not even a billion dollars could get them into those umcredible white outfits again.

– I love when pornos are disguised as ‘films’ and have killer soundtracks. Case in point, Michael Winterbottom’s 9 Songs. [via A-Baby]

– Jerri Blank stars in the one of the least sexiest photo shoots I’ve ever seen. Good times, good times. [via Clevetown Mustard King]

– Could you imagine sitting next to Andy Rooney at the Super Bowl?

– Uri Geller bends spoons and kids over in support of Jacko.

– Jack Osbourne wants to become a NYC fireman. I guess he’s looking for something a lil bit more challenging than his guest spot on Dawson’s Creek. [via Superfish]

– Mary-Kate & ET, bitched @ Swirth. [via Cpt Cum]

– Peace the fork out to Dick Weber, a guy who loved shiny balls.

– Justin Case you didn’t know, Cewebrity is back! Some might say butter than ever!

– My Creepy Valentine

– Renee Pufferfish & Jack Paleface, and Kate Boringsworth & Orlando Borefest all back together again? Enuff already. I swear this is the last posting about either of these couples. Anywhozitz, their offspring would look something along the lines of this: