Thighs Wide Shut

[See the real thing!]

• Wendy’s Finger Woman Arrested

• Charles is now in charge of the forthcoming Borat movie. I don’t care if Gus van Sant and Vince Vaughn are attached to this, me juss so dang elated that there gonna be a Borat movie!

• Peabsy Von Peabsllestein, some say the only reason to go to Coachella this year.

• PWNT! [via My Man Marvkus]

• Finally, I have some NSFWness to please the liz-adies AND Trent! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Her Royal Thighness In Training?

• Who said people in Des Moines don’t have des taste? Why lookie who won their des Moose Madness shabangalang for chrysler out loud!?!? Her Royal Hotness spelt doom for des Heidi Klum! Mos Des! Not even this alien photoshopping of her face can make her des nasty! [via Thigh Slave/Tr3nt]

• Download the new Stripes’ single ‘Blue Orchid‘ [via Scenestars]

• Getty’s gotz many a pics of Brandon ‘Mouth’ Routh as Superman.

• Matzo and Metal: A Very Classic Passover [via Posh & Becker]

• Chess’ version of the Malice @ The Palace.

• The two tours I need to see before me die.

• Non-albino to play albino in da Da Vinci Code?

• The premade unused prequel to The Exorcist will finally get a release. So I guess that will be two Exorcist prequels that no one will see.

• And speaking of releases… why re this?

• If yer husband got three Oscar noms for your co-stars, but zilcherino for you, wouldn’t you divorce him too? OH my yes!

• Gawd, I wish I was a crack-smoking rockstar.

• Burt Prelutsky (whoever the fork that is) hates on Andy Rooney, by sounding like Andy Rooney.

• Apparently Mr Bean’s pockets aren’t very deep anymo.

• Gruesome twosome: Maria Bartiromo & Joey Ramone? [see 5th item down]

• I thought I told your granny to stop acting like a jackass in public.

• Nintendo theme songs dunn up acapella Scott Skiles styles!! Zelda’s best, game AND song! [via Juwanamaker]

• And if I ran Hollyweird, I’d see to it that every movie includes a scene of a woman soaking her breasts with lemons. Bless you Louis Malle, for getting Susan Sarandon to do juss that in yer Atlantic City. And even at age 28,9321,3, I’d still wanna watch SS turn her yummy-yummy-yam-yams into lemonade stands!

• I juss watched the Domino trailer again, this time on the preferred QT format, and I have a request out there to any superstar DJ who reads this site. Can you pease make me a 76 minute mix filled wit nuttin but phat beats and Keira Knightley saying ‘My name is Domino Harvey. I am a bounty hunter.‘ over and over? I can pay you in tacos. And feel free to throw a Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ or 6 in if you like.

• ZZzzzzZzzzz. And even more ZZzzzzZzzzz as Lois LAME!

• Peace the fork out to woman whom you’d only recognize by face, not by name.

• 622 music vids, all at yer disposal (too bad Iron Maiden, Sonic Youth, & LL Cool J makes up like 53/61 of that list). Twas a pleasure to see the B-Boy’s ‘Netty’s Girl’ again after all these years. Them Bastard Boys, for some reason, omitted it from their DVD. Cryin’ effin shame! Also, if you’ve never seen the NSFW Prodigy vid for ‘Smack My Bitch Up’, then u’ve never seen a real music video… no wonder MTV banned it. [via MetaFilter]

• Don’t lie to me, but I bet you didn’t buy Moby’s Hotel. Well, how bout givin’ some listenage to the bestest song off the album, and my mos flavorite single of the year: ‘Raining Again‘. [via My Old KY Jelly Home]

• Stripes name new album Get Behind Me Satan. I can juss see the lawsuits a’comin!

• Snoop Dizzle Dawg to work with The Archdukes? Maybe he wants to channel Bob Dylan on his next LP too!

• Ultimate Warrior, the ultimate arseface? And is ‘queering’ considered an gerund? [via the D to the mutherstickin V]

• You can juss tell by lookin at this pic from the Dukes of Hazzard flick dat tits gonna be a shitstain and 3/7ths. General lee e speaking, who wants to get me this, or this or this non Brothers Duke item?

• Gr8 cover to an almost gr8 movie. Although I may have to viddy it again before making such closing arguments.

• Olivia Newton WOW, you’re still FLY honey!

• The latest 40 images posted to Live Journal. Hit refresh over and over and before you know it, the work day will be over. [via Ultraness]

• Boo has a new name and it’s…

• Bandwagon Boy, one of my bigger influences in life.

• John Kerry is pretty in pink.

• Does anyone have a better smile than Richard Kind?

• Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search. How’d they know I totally wanna give Agatha Christie a Kansas City Car Wash all over her Orient Express. If that doesn’t work out, I may opt for an Imaginary Girlfriend.

• “It was the worstest thing…” Did I say that or was it some kid who got his face bit by a dog?

• Andy Rooney takes the stand in a fraud case and can’t help being… Andy Rooney.

• Airline Providing Mile-High Service [via Cy-Nappy-head]

• Dig Doug criz-azzy-ness

• 10 things that are Smurferiffic!

• Dack Ralter

• Mandyilla Parker Bowles who?

• The internets is so wonderfullofitself. Case it point: The Pat O’Brien Scoreboard AND LookAtMeAndSayYes.com… they even have a killer tee for sale. [2nd via St Ignacio]

• Lollapalooza to give it the ole college try? [via PSNYC]

• Vincent comes clean about his Gallo’s pole.

• DJ Qualls, former model?

• Sandra Bullock claims she’s still a sex symbol at age 40. Luckily she didn’t claim that she’s a good actress.

• Don’t ask Penelope Cruz to spell ‘Matthew McConaughey’

• Danny Aiello slams’ Kevin Spacey’s unwatchable Beyond The Sea, but not cause it licks turtle’s dingleberries, but cause he hired Bob Hoskins?

• Wanna learn how to succeed in bidness? Be like Jeff Feagles and maybe Plaxico Burress will buy you an outdoor kitchen for your home in Zona. [via Juwanamaker]

• Ben McKenzie Diversifies By Growing A Moustache

• Matt Fielding NOT gay!

• Search Continues For Origin of Finger Found in Wendy’s Chili. I hear Count Rugen and his six fingers are the prime suspects!

• Next on Andy Rooney’s sh#tlist: gas prices

• Stereogum is so darn ‘cheeky’ AND beloved in MapleSyrupLand

• I guess the kids of Hogwarts start smoking alotta pot and following Widespread Panic around the country in the next flick. How else do u eggsplain their hair?

• Confessions of a Prairie Bitch [via retroCRUSH]

• Dynamic Duos of 2005: Kobayashi & Krystal’s AND me & the National Sweet Corn-Eating Championship. [vias Brawny Man]

• Next up for bidding: a servant for one whole year [via Natty Lite]

• The “If Your Name Was An Emo Song… Generator Thingy”. Somewhere Ian MacKaye is unimpressed.

• Finger Twister

• This is probably the biggest load of girlpoo ever featured on the internet and possibly in the world. Myranda Didovic (22) was constipated for little over a week due to I.B.S. when this scene was recorded. [major NSFWness via Fubar Redux]

• Tasteless has a first, middle, and last name and it’s the Shiavo Animated Gif! [via Newbsy]

• The ultimate tribute to Kool-Aid’s pal, Sharkleberry Fin

• Thigh Master still looking for questions, advertisers, but not an intern. Announcement on the last one 4thcummin.

• Coming soon to BetaMax and your pants: Banging To The Oldies w/HRT the II. Eat yer heart out Richard Simmons!! Btw, sweaty shoulders are the new side boobs.

• Which mooovie director still maintains a beard so it can help hide his super-obese neck? If you can’t figure it out from the picture, maybe this equation will help: his Neck Size is in Inverse Proportion to the Quality of his Films.

• Congrats to les Twerps for somehow gettin invited to the tournament of tournaments.

• Pulp, not dead yet!

• If Guy Ritchie ever wants to win an Oscar like Sean Penn did, he’ll have to ditch Madonna like Sean Penn did.

• Next Bond flick to be more classy, less Cleesey, and Tarantino won’t ever shut up.

• What do De La Soul, Salt-N-Pepa’s ‘Push It’, Deborah Harry, Ike Turner, Shaun Ryder, MF Doom, and Dennis Hopper all have in common? They’re going to be on the year’s breastest album: Gorillaz’ Demon Days.

• Dolly Parton gropes Sandra Bullock in the name of cinema.

• Terry Reid to play Glastonbury this summer. Tara Reid to gargle jizz this evening.

• The line-up for this year’s Tribeca Film Fest is up.

• Somebody please arrest Hilary Duff… she’s missing an ‘l’ in her first name.

• There’s nothing better than a chocolate dipped cone from the DQ.

• Andy Rooney teaches you how to weed thru yer mail.

• I am – Sheryl Crow is Naked (NSFW)

• One in three dads try breastmilk. The other two prefer tossed salads.

• Dirty boobies are the new side boobs…