Thighs Wide Shut

The greatest sorority known to man, Catherine Omega-Mu-Zeta-Jones-Douglas-MacArthur, and I hath so much in common. We both are T-Mobile whores, we both can do this with our a$$es, and we both love fellow Welshie and current Her Royal Thighness the BREASTEST, Charly Church. Zeta-Tomata hearts her so much that she’s eager to enlist her in her directorial debut of Dylan Thomas’ Under Milk Wood, which was first brought to screen back in 72. Des problem is that she’s so dang worried that leaving for LA LA land will hurt her relationship with current beau and rugby hunk Gavin Henson. Did I mention that I changed my named to Gavin and no one could touch me at Sega Genesis’ Rugby World Cup 95? I say go for it CC the IV!! Hollywurst needs more large breastest Welsh beauties. Just stay away from Michael Douglas, and Louis Farrakhan, who’s speaking at you.

• Faux-gayers t.A.T.u. will be faux-gaying it up at the UK Club G-A-Y this Saturdgay. That’s more gay that sipping Earl Gay Tea with yer pinky sticking out.

• Although she’s now #2321183thrdieth in my heart, Showerpoopa troopa has regained the #1 ranking in tennis. TALK ABOUT REBOUNDIN’!!

• In balls related news: “I love baseballs, do you love the baseballs?“

• In more Borat related news: the following bestness was released in stores yesterday. Gobble gizzile it up peeps… although I’m going the cheap route and waiting for it to match the price I set using Half.com‘s blesseded Wish List

• Back to more hairy balls situation news: Patrick Ramsey should start auctioning off his pubes on eBay cause Brunell will be named Comeback Player of the Year after the Skins go 16-0.

• In one last ball related things: I don’t know jack scalia about Tim McGraw, but his Monday Night Football halftime highlight recap country rhyme-e-shiz was the biggest lode of crap I’ve seen since this

• Andy Rooney may hates a lot of things, but the ‘browmiester surely hearts New Orleans

• SNL needs to stop adding ‘new faces‘ and needs to starts adding ‘new writers’. Or at least send Horatio Sanz packing… on Horatio Hornblower’s first ship outttttttta here

• Is it deja vu or deja boo that the day I lament briefly about Can’t Buy Me Lover Amanda Peterson (but more so about Ami DoleHOTfRUITenz) that someone goes and wonders the same dang thing? I dunno, but in Ami Dolenzerzz related stizz, I want to invent a machine that turns me into Jerry Trimble

• Lynch poo-poos any new Twin Peaks woo-whoness

• I knew Steven Loserbergh was well on his way to killing cinema (ever see Full Frontal? good, so DON’T), but this whole releasing a movie in theaters, DVD, and TV on the SAME DAY is wurstest call since Neville Chamberlain was elected Prime Minister. Peace in our time my a$$!!

• Kubie giving Jack the nod as Napoleon woulda been DYNO-MITE!

• I love Supergrass’ new ditty St Petersburg [video]. I also love that Gaz Combes and Jack Black look sorta similar with beards. And oh, I LOVE mustaches!!

• Pete Tong spankfully returns with a 2-Disc Essential Selection set soon. Trackilisting here

• One of the mos whocares editions of Then & Now

• Jeopardy! contestant searches are headed for LA (DUHVS), NYC, Tampa, Seattle, and Vancouver. Signs up here

• Clear yer calendars cause the Harlem Globetrotters are invading East Rutherford in February. A wise man once wrote, ‘When life hands you Meadowlark Lemon, make Meadowlark Lemonade‘

• Rachel McAdams High School Yearbook Photo… I bet her snap was probably the 6th mos beatoffedable one from that yearbook

• Are Renton, Sick Boy, Spud, Tommy, and Begbie’s ashes really disrupting train service?

• A.C. Slater DOES Rule [via Steve Bartman Hater #6]

• Thighs Wide Open? [sorta SFW]

• Here lies the very first TWS.org Katrina-related link, and it’s amusing, not sad [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Troy’s Mixtape of Love [via Richie Richardson Loves Rice]

• And me have done some serious thinking as of late. Although I am a self-appointed ruler for life, I doubt that I’ll be able to be a Thigh Master for your kids’ kids, so I’ve decided to take on a Padawan. Sio Bibble knows that this could mean only one thing: INVASION!!

An Unfinished Life
Another Sweet One From Everyone’s Flavorite Swede
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Lasse Hallström is the master of making sweet movies that never come off being overly schmaltzy. He won us over time and thyme again with such tart lemonade as What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (Leo has never been better), The Cider House Rules (it does RULESzz), The Shipping News (highly underrated), and ABBA: The Movie (bet you 6 nickels you didn’t know he directed that). And L-diddy wins us over once again as he pours on the sugar without having to dilute it with water. What the snorks does that mean? I have no friggadero clue, but I’m trying to sound all cool like EW scribes Lisa Schwarzbaum and Owen Gleiberman. Life is one of those pictures were the characters start off being so distant from each other that by the end, you know everyone will see past their differences and make everything aiiiiight. Although highly predictable in that sense, it is no bother to the viewer cause the journey to the finish line is where the real meat lies. It doesn’t hurt that the journey has some of the best scenic views outside of an IMAX theater and two of Hollywurst’s best actors. Robbie Redford soars as an ole bitter crumedgeon (think a more dexterous Andy Rooney on a farm), who has never gotten over his son’s death, and his bear mangled right hand man Morgan Freebird, who chips in some solid work (is he ever bad?). Also on board for the ride is Redford’s unknown granddaughter (newcomer Becca Gardner), Mr blue-eyed nice guy sheriff (Josh Lucas, who usually makes me want to slit my eyes out), a caring diner owner (that fat chick from the Practice), and J-Lo as Redford’s be-loathed abused daughter-in-law. Wait, which actor in that list sticks out like a sore thumb? That’s right J-Lo, who doesn’t belong in a movie of this caliber. It’s not like she takes away from anything, but she mos def certainly doesn’t add to the ensemble. She juss doesn’t have the gravitas to make us believe that she’s anyone but J-Lo. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to buy it. I kept waiting for her to run into Ralph Fiennes who’d make her dreams come true and turn this into a real schmaltz fest. I can see it now, Maid In Cheyenne.

Recommended for those who like: Alberto Gonzales & Wolf Blizter’s tastes, Bob Ross paintings, and Bryant Reeves.

Possible Porno Name: An Unfinished Line From Yo Buttcrack To Yer ‘Gina

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Legends of the Fall

2046
The Moody Blues: Days Of Future Past
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Ever have that one true love slip thru your fingertips, never to return, and yer left trying to recapture that magic, with unfulfilling results for the rest of your days? Then you’ll easily empathizes with 2046‘s main protagonist, hack writer Chow Mo Wan (Tony Leung), although I bet you’d do a helluva lot more m-batin’. In this quasi-follow-up to Kar Wai Wong’s masterful In The Mood For Love, we find Chow trying his damndest to finally put his bout of unrequited love to rest. While living in a hotel next to room 2046 (GET IT!), he encounters numerous Asian hotties (I’d love to zig zag my jizz jag all over Ziyi Zhang and bonk my way with Faye Wong) with whom he embarks in various kinds of relationships. They don’t seem to help him get over the hump, although he does get to hump some of them. But what he does get from his experiences with them are literary fodder that he then employs into his science fiction novel about the year and place, 2046, where one can recapture lost memories. The problem is that once you get there, you can never return (welcome to ze Hotel California). Sounds a bit confusing? Well it is. This flick isn’t the most fluid one in a story sense, and raises more eyebrows than it lowers, but yer not likely to see another movie so beautiful and so visually stunning in theaters this year… or years to come for that splatter. If you want to see a real art house film, then this is yer golden ticket. If you want to shut off yer brain, Four Brothers can be found in any theater in a 5 block radius. There’s way more style than substance at play here, but does it really matter when the Asian bitties are so fine that they’ll make forget about yer lost loves and turn yer dong long duck?

Recommended for those who like: LG products, the NSFW anime porn The Pianist, and Asian mustaches

Possible Porno Name: 2046nine

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Code 46

The Brothers Grimm
Where’s The Brotherly Love?
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Poor Terry Gilliam. The man finally lands a budget to fit his scatterbrain imgination, but is forced to play ball with short leash holders the Brothers Weinstein. The result is an uneven flick that yearns to be commercial, yet can’t cause it’s filled with the usual gitty Gilliamisms. The main problem is that those two worlds can never co-exist. If Gilly reaches a mainstream audience, it’s a bleepin miracle. It’s still hard to believe that The Fisher King (41K) and 12 Monkeys (56K) were able to crossover in a country where people like to have everything spelled out for them. To help put people in the seats, Matt Damon and Heath Ledger both chip in admirable work as the storytelling huckster brothers who travel from town to town pretending to rid them of evil spirits. When the two are finally forced into an encounter with a real threat (children, like Lil Red Riding Hood and Gretel, disappearing in the woods) it’s more than their reputation that’s at stake. Sounds kinda like the situation Gilliam is in here in the director’s chair. The critics haven’t been kind to Grimm, but I guess they don’t like to have a lil bit o fun. It’s not even remotely an awful film, but a good film dying to be a great film. Even Scorsese has his off days, but his films are always worth the peepage. Then again, Gangs of New York almost made me ashamed to live in New York. Can’t we all juss live happily ever after? Yeah, maybe if Monica Bluecheese got herself all nekkid and stizz.

Recommended for those who like: Ents, Renaissance Festivals, and Murray Melvin in Barry Lyndon

Possible Porno Name: The Brothers Rimm Jobs

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead

Grizzly Man
Dr Dumblittle
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Everyone knows not to feed bears, hispecially if they’ve seen The Great Outdoors, but does everyone know not to chilly chill wit them? Well, after seeing Werner Herzog’s fascinating doc about one man’s (wacko Timothy Treadwell) obsession with bear life that eventually turns fatal, you’ll probably never want to be near a bear again, let alone the Alaskan wilderness. Since yer clued in early on about TT’s fate, you sit and wonder why a man would risk his life summer after summer just to be around a sleuth of bears. You have so much time to wonder that yer mind starts focusing in on other topics like what’s the deal with his voice and why is he sporting a Prince Valiant haircut? His friends and family paint a pretty good portrait of this misguided man with a heart of honey, but no one does a better job than the man himself, who left behind a wealth of self-videotaped monologues from his time in the last frontier state. I bet if he ever met the blue fairy, he’d wish he could turn himself into Christopher Robin, and pal around with Winnie the Pooh all day long in Hundred Acre Woods. Sadly for TT, nice bears like Winnie aren’t real (sorry folks). They also don’t care if you like them or want to help them cause they look at you they way we look at a cow… unless of course yer Indian… not to be confused with dem Native American Indians, who I’m sure love milk, flank steaks, and Polly-O String Cheese.

Recommended for those who like: Kodiak snuff, Woody Boyd, and the Great Alaskan Shootout

Possible Porno Name: Grizzly Man Tits

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Fox And The Hound

Sequins
aka Snooooozequins
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What happens in this movie? Well, some pregnant French chick who works at a grocery store is hiding the fact that she’s preggers. Why? I have no forking clue. Maybe cause she’s a lame-o who doesn’t want to bring a baby into a world where she’s a lame-o. Anywho, she’s pretty good at sewing shit, so guess what do she does? She quits her job at the store to work for a seamstress, who’s son had died cause WE DON’T CARE WHY! OH SNAP!!! Somehow working for this lady and sewing shit changes her mind about her baby and then Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. To recap, this is what happened: Absoposospazotively NADA. This is probably the most pointless movie I have ever not paid to see. The people who paid for it (my rents) disagree with me. However, they could not come up with a good enuff eggsplanation as to why it was good, besides having nice cinematography. If this movie were in English it would have aired in the 80s as an afternoon TV special. Someone contact Homeland Security cause the real terrorists are the people who sneaked this boring garbage into our country.

Recommended for those who like: watching wet paint dry, being the thimble in Monopoly, and the redhead from tATu, in her frumpy days

Possible Porno Name: Sequins: Small Shiny Ornamental Dicks

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Morvern Callar

After losing my snoop joppy job on Friday I wished I could’ve had Scotty beam me to the 4th Annual Lebowski Fest in Louisville, KY this past weekend. But alas, Scotty had to go and czech out on us and thus leave this year’s fetives rather Thigh-Less. Apparently the show went on without me and the boys as there were plenty of other characters abound like the suspect usuals, camel jockeys, the Folger’s can carrying Donnie’s remains, the JO book, and the best of them all, the white Russian. The only positive thing I can think to say about my absence is that this toe was spared my harassment and constant attempts to try to lick and bloody her crotch region more than it already was.

• Speaking of hot, yet inappropriate things, The Smoking Gun dug up some 1977 testimony from Roman Polanski 13-year old rape victim, Samantha Gailey. Sure, Roman is a pedicured pedophile times pi R squared, but isn’t a 13-year old girl who previously had had sex twice before, tried Quaaludes, and refers to oral sex on a girl as ‘cuddliness’ a bit of the mark as well? Plus she spoke out in his defense before his PenisPianist would take home a bunch of ’03 Oscar gold. By the lame, how the forkspoons did Chicago beat Piani AND LOTR: The Two Towers for Best Pic? Well, I guess I can still be happy that Gangs of New York shit the bed that night.

• Sprekenze hot, yet no longer inappropriate things, everyone’s flavorite (Disclaimer: everyone = me + Her Royal Russian The III) faux-lesbo Russian wet dream team, t.A.T.u. are going to drop their long awaited 2nd album Dangerous and Moving on the 18th of Rocktober.

• Spankinze of people no longer with cash, you can get Horshack, Mr Belding, Otho from Beetlejuice, and many more F-listers to call one of your loved ones or enemies, thru the genius Hollywood Is Calling [via Double Liking]

• (belated) Peace the fork out of your TV Dinner

• The people have spoken this past weekend with their ticket buying power and say no way Michael Bay. And I was juss starting to think Americans had no taste. Then again, a Vince Vaughn vehicle has already netted 80.9 mils in only two weeks of work. By the not michael bay, forget to mention in our review, big ups to Tim Burton for throwing a couple o’ Kubrick props in The Choco Factory.

• The me hath spoken when I say that last nite’s Six Feet was wUnderful (almost time for Nate to show Hedwig/Fraggle/Mary Gross/Brenda the door!), and Entourage remains one the most over-hyped pieces of junk that’s somehow totally watchable. But if they leep puttin Mandy Moore on the show, I may have to declare it the best series since Twin Peaks.

• Have you peepened the V For Vendetta trailer? Screw Kong cause V is for VAWESOME!!! And if V lived somewhere it would be VAWESOME’S CREEK!!

• Patchouli heads west for Halloween [via Bill]

• ESPN & Ben Widdicombe don’t know shit from Sharapova [see 2nd item down]

• NY Times give some times to Sacha Baron Cohen

• My visual idea of Heaven: the Fiery Furnaces pose in front of The Cyclone

• Repeat: Rooney, out of his league

• Name sure to be missing from many a Fantasy Football drafts: Adimchinobe Echemandu [via Wannamaker]

• Eight Men Out trading cards

• Too Brian Pepperishly gross to be real [via The Zach Attack]

• Appy polly loges, but had to drop a 2nd TSG link cause they always have the A1 mug shots: Goldsmeller

• Ackbar strikes again

• I was this close to plastering this HOT PIC OF A GIRL STICKING CORN UP HER WHOOTANANNY all up on this site so you’d get canned from your jobs too, but decided to play it safe with the following pic, which came from this greatness collection of strange 70s ABBAesque boy bands. [via Made of Brawny and Richard the Richie]

While the search continues for Holy Tail that is Jenny Wright, may I briefly shift our attention to another long lost 80s screen gem? As I was bumbling round looking for infos on The Boy Who Could Fly, I was reminded of the pulchritudinousnessness girl next door who believed the boy next door was a boy who could fly. She seemed so virginal, yet highly vaginal, and her name be Lucy Deakins. She didn’t have much of a career, sides being River Phoenix’s lil loveita in Little Nikita and Chris Young’s snack bar snack in The Great Outdoors, but nonethebreast, made an impact on a young me. I don’t wanna really want bother her in this day and rage, as she’s since married, dropped the Deakins for Webb, and bore a child, but just kinda wanna make sure that all is well in her world. If you’re reading this former Deakins, I think you’re more splendid than Splenda and would love to buy you a dessert of yer choice at DQ that’s sweeter than you. This offer is not valid in states that don’t observe Daylight Savings Time…

• Congress to extend Daylight Savings Time by 2 fargin months?!??! WTFiddlesticks? First Indiana sells out and now this? I think they’re out to get me and make me sweat my grundle off since I voted for Lohan/Dukakis in ’04. I don’t even wanna think about what’s possible if Heath Shuler Goes To Washington… and not as a sorryarsed QB who cursed the Skins from ’94 on.

• The Charlatans UK ready follow-up to 2004’s Up At The Lake. America still awaits a release of 2004’s Up At The Lake.

• Statler & Waldorf, still more credible than Gene Shalit [via JJ]

• Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny THE TEASER SITE!

• Spank the lord, cause Mr Fantastic would’ve been the mos unfanstatsic choice for 007

• The Chem Bros love on Charlotte Church hates on the Pope

• Coming soon to a theater near you: Evan Rachel Wood’s Citizen Kane, Loverboy, and Frankenhooker.

• Andy Rooney slummin it on a Central Iowa rag? Possib, since I know he loathes Duran Duran.

• The Fingertips Project, in the key of TMBG [via Metafilter]

• Google maps the Moon, and apparently Hitler [zoom in sez Gorilla] Still waiting for one of Endor. They have an older code, but it czechs out.

• (should be left) Undiscovered

• Please, no more Numma Numma knockoffs… hispecially ones that don’t even try [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Keds, the official shoes of Gypsies

• Boof & Stiles love them some beavers

• Toiletgarten

• He Brakes For Midgets

• Point(less) and Cut

• Airline Meals

• Asian People Porking In Cars might juss be the new Catholic High School Girls in Trouble [semish NSFW via My Man Marvkus]

• Anna Smashnova, sorta like Maria Sharapova, cept looks like a shemale hooker from the Gaza Strip Club. But I’m almost US Open to anything…

Yessirree BOB my dearest THIGHLANDERS!!! No need to adjust your monitors or your crotch cause what you see is what you get: Her Royal Thighness the I, Lindsay Morgan Lohan, has now become HER ROYAL THIGHNESS THE III!!!! I can’t bee leave it either folks, but it’s the effin truth like Sloth/Popeye Jones lovin them some Baby Ruth!!! [pic via Wizniz] Ya know, they say you can’t go home again, but nobody said nuttin about not coming again on the same girl’s face again… and again!!!! Sure, Cuthbest was one great reigning Queen (since 10/20/04), lover, footstool, and coaster, but all the while, my heart and shlong always longed for my former thronemate. Think I need to eggsplain this more before your complain more and throw cans of Dinty Moore against the walls of my castle? I shall.

Ya see, as me and my board of trusted trustees (consisting of the likes of Jimmy Smits, Ilan Mitchell-Smith, Mayor McCheese, Lukas Haas, Ms Pac Man, Andy Rooney, Barret Oliver, John Stossel, and duhvs course, Dakota Fanbelt, who will have to live with me and the new HRT the III) were reviewing the possible candidates for weeks upon weeks and not even coming close to a decision, we decided to take some time off to celebrate the independence of my former homeland, America. Well something funny happened sometime Friday night/Saturday morning: I had one of those dreams again. Co-wince-eye-dent-lee, that next day, the 2nd of July, was LL’s 19th b-day. When I awoke, I qwikly paid my respects to Luther Vandross and my 1millyanth visitor, and then jetsetted on the 1st LA bound plane to sirprize my former belovededed on her special day. Plane landed and I headed straight to her 8th b-day party. I thighspotted her walking into a restaurant and cried out her name. I think she thought I was the stalkeraztzi cause all she did was turn her back and throw up a peace sign. But I grabbed her, in that way she always liked to be grabbed (one hand on her ass crack, the other choking her neck), and she knew that daddy had come home. We left her posse and party in waiting and qwikly caught up. What happened next was too graphic to describe, but lettuce juss say it was hottier than this. She was all set to re-take her place on the bone throne, but I gave her three caveats before shoving my cak down her cavities back in Thighland: 1) dye yer hair a freakin normal color 2) eat cupcakes everyday… off my grundle, and 3) stop being such a skankbot. She agreed to that and more and the rest is, shall we say, herstory. Welcome back sweettits. It’s been a long and winding road, but poppa’s ready to blow his load. You may juss end up HRT for life. And oh yeah, YOU ROCK!!

• In less important news, looks like NYC will be free of chaos in the summer of 2012. Maybe we can enlist Rush’s help to mcnabb the 2112 Olympics.

• Peace the fork out Vice Adm. James Stockdale!! I dont remember much about you, cept you acting kinda strange during yer debate with such goobers as Dan Quayle and Al Gore.

• Loved that Pink Floyd reunion? Too bad, cause it looks like that shiz aint happenin again

• Franz & The Archdukes have juss announced their US tour schedule. They hit up el Theatre at MSG Rocktober 16-17th.

• MacPherson & Pacino? I’d actually rather watch Vince Vaughn act than think of them humping.

• Tix for a-ha’s date at Irving Platz go on-sale today at noon

• Portman is smoking… HOTTASTICCULAR!!

• Shirley Bassey gets all sassy on Charlotte Church. I’d love to goldfinger them both. D-lode Shirley’s ‘Goldfinger‘

• Alba calls for an end to racism. Lemme help Jess, by dipping my kinish into your hybrid danish-fish taco thingiemajingie.

• Can’t wait for Spielberg’s next joint

• MasturCates

• B-wagon Boy picks the 15 Most Aweosme Americans of All Times!

• Butter late than never, but congrats Mr Ebert on gettin a star on Hollywurst’s Walk o’ Fame

• What’s the story with Jude’s hair? LiveHate it!!

• The mp3 yer THiGHPOD’s been missing: Sharapova moaning [via Daaaan]

• Robot Hand Performs Remote Breast Checks [via UMC]

• I think this urbanizing of McDonalds unies could end up being a good thing

• Be safe in the car and use a French-Fry Holder [via Rich E-z-EEEEE]

• The world famous Hamburglar Translator [via Mag Bastard]

• Never mix LSD and hot dog eating [via Drop Out via Ceffle]

• And this handing over of power shiz hasn’t really sat well with Her Former Royal Thighness the II, Ms Cuthelles. She started stealing all of my Donruss Rated Rookie cards, slashing up her hands, making love to a teddy bear, and let some guy point in her presence. Boy how the mighty have/hath/half jimmy fallen.