Thighs Wide Shut

The Top Tenors
Plus 2 That Are Legit
& Don’t Need 2 Quit

1) The Devil & Daniel Johnston
2) Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple
3) Children of Men
4) Bubble
5) Sophie Scholl
6) Once In A Lifetime:
The Extraordinary Story of the New York Cosmos
7) 13 (Tzameti)
8) Flags of Our Fathers
9) Babel
10) Infamous
11) Only Human
12) The Notorious Bettie Page

G Sauce & Special Love goes out to Spike Lee’s When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts

3rd Annual
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

They Coulda Been A Contender

Strangers With Candy
Running With Scissors
Marie Antoinette
Da Vinci Code
V for Vendetta
Inland Empire

Puilty Gleasures

The Quiet
When A Stranger Calls
Nanny McPhee
Scary Movie 4

Trailers Worth Tractoring

A Scanner Darkly
An Inconvenient Truth
Borat
Brick
Children of Men
The Departed
The Last King of Scotland
The Notorious Bettie Page
The Pursuit of Happyness
V for Vendetta

& the one tune that sold the movie

Jay-Z And Linkin Park’s ‘Numb/Encore’ [d]
from the Miami Vice trailer

& the one trailer mos not worth tractoring

Deck The Halls

Post Her
Post Me
Post Haste!

& the wurstest one

Mos Unwanted Genre

•

40s/50s Los Angeles Flicks
which begat
Ben Affleck playin guitar & singin in Spanish
& Hillary Swank as vom inducing sex kitten

(F)unreleased

Colour Me Kubrick

Bestest Movies I Netflixed

Porn To Be Wild

The Road Into Laura San Giacomo’s Crotch
(The Road to Guantanamo)
Twatsi
(Tsotsi)
69 (All Sweaty)
(13 (Tzameti))
Akili Smith and Deez Nuts On His Tonsils
(Akeelah & The Bee)
The Notorious Bettie Page Loves B.I.G. C.O.C.K.
(The Notorious Bettie Page)
Holly Lands Wood
(Hollywoodland)
Jizzum Candy: A Cock and Balls Story
(Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story)
Why We Fist, starring Bill Frist
(Why We Fight)
Cuming On The Scissor Sisters
(Running With Scissors)
The Three Anal-Holes of Erik Estrada
(The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada)
Mini’s First Time
(Mini’s First Time)

Most Cpt Overlooked Performance

dude who played Tony Blair in The Queen

For Some Reason You Annoy Me So Go Away

Joseph Cross

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Oren Skoog
Burn Gorman
London Bridges
Benedict Cumberbatch

Sorriest Eggscuse for
An Episode of 24
That Doesn’t Star Edgar
But Does Co-Star Sledgehammer!

The Sentinel

Mos Eggsalad Bjork Turns Into A Knife Slashin’ Whale Movie
That Was More Watchable
Than Inland Empire

Drawing Restraint 9

The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious
Mos Overhyped Movie
For No Reason

Little Miss Snoozeshine

Welcome To The House, Dolls

Diora Baird

Sophia Myles

Julia Jentsch

Misty Dawn Wilkins

Ellen Page

Svetlana Metkina

Mía Maestro

Abbie Cornish

The Death to Smoochy Award
for Worstest Picture of the Year

Inland Empire
For Your Consideration
Lady In The Water
Poseidon
Pirates 2
Keeping Up With The Steins

Movies To Look For In The ‘007

Thank You For Cock Smoking
Full Nelson
Big Momma’s House of Pancakes
American Dreamz II: American Dreamzz
Akeelah and the C++
The Wicker Basket Man
Moses Camp
The Last King of Scottie’s Tissue
The Santa Clause 4: Clause Kinski
Lucky Number Slate
6 Fast, 6 Furious
•

Papa’s Pix

1) Water
2) Little Miss Sunshine
3) The Queen
4) The Departed
5) Notes on A Scandal
6) The Painted Veil
7) Borat
8) Little Children
9) Brick
10) The History Boys
11) Sweet Land
12) Jesus Camp
13) Catch the Fire

Honorable Mention
10 Items or Less
The Boynton Beach Bereavement Club
20 Centimeters
U-Carmen e-Khayelitsha

don’t forget to peep out our ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!!

Twice again, inspired by the the greatestist single newspaper and sorta by the Bruno skit where one has to choose between giving Jack Black candy or cancer, I ice man giveth to you, what will be hottier and nottier than my shits in the ‘007

OUT	IN
Daniel Craig’s Bond	Gold Bond On Craig’s List
Gerald Ford Death Watch	George HW Bush Death Watch
Idlewild	Girls Gone Wild
Dwight Schrute	•Andy Bernard
Nintendo Wii	WWIII
Heebs	Peabs
Cat Butts	Dave Butz
JOing	Faping
Trapper Keepers	Trapper John, M.D.s
Midgets	Midgees
Borat	Carl Barat
Cleft Chins	Cleft Palates
Ayn Rand	Rand McNally
Remakes	RE/MAX
Sesame Street	Sesame Chicken
Al Gore	Frank Gore
The Hobbit	John Wayne Bobbit
The Blogerati	Literati
Lily Allen	Ethan Allen
Nudie Books	Louise Brooks Nude
Wikipedia	Wookieepedia
Hating On Mel Gibson	Hating Mel Gibson
Fried Okra	Fire Oprah
The Frat Pack	Hebrew National’s Party Pack
Smoking Kools	Monocles
Thin Women	Thin Crust
Tony Kornheiser	Dan Steinberg
Pigs In a Blanket	Pig Blankets
Fantasy Football	The Fantasy of Your Mom Playing With My Balls
‘It Smells Like Upyo’	‘Want Some Fumunda Cheese?’
Keith David	David Keith
Dancing With The Stars	Dancing With SARS
Eye Patches	Thigh Patches
The Rape of the Sabine Women	The Rape of Dakota Fanning
Seacrest Out	Seacrest In
Unitards	Retards
US Weekly	IP Freely
Deforestation	DeForest Kelly
Adolf Hitler Eating Watermelon	Adolph Coors Eating Pussy

and here’s what was In Oder Aus in the ’06

And bloGOD said let there be Lily Allen. Actually, with a little help from MySpace and DJ/Producer Mark Ronson, Lily Allen turned herself into an unlikely popstar. A hit in the UK and a hit with people with good taste in America, Lils was a rising star in 2006 and sure to be one of its brightest in 2007. Recently, on a promotional trip to Los Angeles, Ms Allen sat down to talk with us about everything from Woody Allen to her brother’s mos flavorite New Mexican city. Actually, it was over the phone, but I was sitting and lettuce assume for shiz and gaggles that she was also seated. What, you don’t bee leave me? Hear the Lady of Bestness herself udder this site’s very name [audio]

Thigh Master: Hi Lily, this is The Thigh Master of Thighs Wide Shut.org

Lilly Allen: I know your website very well.

TM: You do?

LA: Yeah, when I Google myself there’s quite a lot of Thighs Wide Shut business going on.

TM: Hopefully you weren’t thrown off by the name at first.

LA: No, I like it! It’s good. You talked about me very early on.

TM: I did. First I want to congratulate you on all your success back home and on this side of the pond.

LA: Thank you very much.

TM: We’ve all know about you since last April, listening to your demos, and you’re finally getting your album released in the United States here next month. How does that feel?

LA: Good, I guess. I dunno… it feels pretty much the same as it did in the UK. [Laughs] …it’s just another country. It’s exciting, but I don’t know how it’s going to go. We’ll see.

TM: Did you ever think that when you made those demos that you were going to make it this far?

LA: No, definitely not. I signed such a tiny deal with EMI in the UK that I thought that literally I’d get a couple of singles and that’s it. To be honest with you, I didn’t even think I’d make music videos. So I definitely didn’t think I’d be coming this far.

TM: Speaking of your demos, I loved at the end of ‘Knock Em Out’, where you list all those nasty excuses, and I was wondering why you left off the ‘I’ve got AIDS’ bit.

LA: It’s not really particularly politically correct, I don’t think. [Laughs] That was the label’s decision, really. I didn’t see a problem with it, otherwise I wouldn’t have written it.

TM: I caught your first US appearance at the Hiro Ballroom in New York. I couldn’t have thought of a better locale for you to have your debut in the States. I thought you were fantastic, and I actually believe you made believers out of the non-believers. So what did you think of the performance that night?

LA: I was happy with it, but you know, I’m still really new to this thing, I only performed at my first ever gig in May.

TM: At Yo-Yo?

LA: Yeah, exactly. It’s all relatively new and I was shitting myself, to a certain extent, but only because I feed so much off of the audience and I’ve kinda been prepped that New York people can be a little bit… mean. [Laughs]

TM: I agree, sometimes they just sorta stand there and watch and don’t really get into it.

LA: Yeah, it’s like ‘come on and impress me’. But I was actually pleasantly surprised and the people seemed to really get into it, and I was really happy with the result. I read a lot of reviews on your blog and [read elsewhere] what other people were thinking and a lot of it was ‘it didn’t quite live up to expectations’, but then at the same time I’m 21 and it’s my first year.

TM: You played for only half-an-hour so it was more like a showcase in my mind.

LA: Exactly. It’s getting much better. That [show] wasn’t with a full band.

TM: So will you be coming back again soon?

LA: I’ll definitely be coming back in February to LA. We’ll be playing SXSW, and maybe Coachella, hopefully Bonoroo, and lots of other gigs next year. We’ll be touring for about 8 weeks next year. We’ll be back.

TM: The way I found about you was through this super fabulous email newsletter called Popbitch. Have you heard of it?

LA: Yeah, I have.

TM: And when I first hit up your MySpace page I didn’t even bother to listen to the actual music, but I was sold regardless because of the moving dots in the background.

LA: [Laughs] I’m half convinced that it’s got some hypnotic power, that dot moving thing, and that’s why I still haven’t changed it to this point because [Laughs] I’m too scared that everyone will stop believing [Laughs].

TM: What’s the story with the dots? Did you come up with those?

LA: No, I just stole them off of someone else’s page.

TM: Well, that person must be either very honored or the exact opposite.

LA: [Laughs]

TM: I love your mix tapes [1 & 2], they are unbelievable. And it’s great because now I don’t even have to bother asking you who your influences are or what music you’ve been listening to because the answers are there in the mix. So when should we expect mix #3 and what could be on it?

LA: I’m a bit torn because the thing with those two mix tapes is that I could put some of my own music that people haven’t heard on there and I haven’t made any new music yet. I only write in a studio situation and I haven’t had the time to get into the studio again. I just recorded a song with Dizzie Rascal for his next new album that comes out in February or March next year, so if he gives me permission to do something with his songs and I might want to do something also with a couple of really interesting remixes of ‘Smile’, and just all my records. I love doing them [mixes]. They’re great fun.

TM: Changing gears here a little bit, could you tell us about your eBay date for charity with g.clarke555?

LA: I haven’t done it yet. Funny you should ask that because I was just thinking about it this morning. I haven’t had a call as to when or where this date is supposed to happen, but I’m terribly excited [Laughs]

TM: What’s a perfect date for you?

LA: I like sitting down, watching TV and eating pizza. That’s my favorite.

TM: You’re like my dream girl.

LA: In fact my first date with my boyfriend, who I’m still with at the moment, we watched this documentary called John’s Not Mad about a guy with Tourette’s Syndrome. It’s fucking hilarious. This kid is 15 and he has Tourette’s Syndrome and spits at his mom and swears the whole time. It’s not really meant to be comedy, but, it is. My boyfriend was like, ‘you want to come back and watch this movie, it’s really funny’. Luckily I had the same sick sense of humor.

TM: Have you and Lady Sovereign ever spoken before?

LA: We have actually. She was rehearsing in the same studio as me a couple of months ago. I met her probably a couple of years ago at the Met Bar in London. She had just done a gig and my boyfriend at the time took me down to the after party and she kinda took a shining to me, shall we say. She actually told me about MySpace. She said ‘you should start up a MySpace page’. So I did.

TM: Did you ever talk to her about the guy from San Francisco who raised five thousand dollars to go on a date with her?

LA: No.

TM: Anyway, this guy raised the five thousand dollars and then she had to agree to it and then she basically set the ground rules. She made him rent a yacht, got a ton of beer and weed and all that stuff.

LA: [Laughs]

TM: So what song do you sing in the shower the most?

LA: This morning I was singing Boyz II Men’s ‘All My Life’. [Laughs] It was on the radio the other day and I thought it was really funny.

TM: Is that the one you sing the most or just today?

LA: No, just today. I usually sing those cheesy songs that you hear on the radio like Kelly Clarkson. Some of them just stick in your head. Nothing cool.

TM: What’s the first record you ever bought or that you remember owning?

LA: Probably Chris Russell (???). There was this band in the UK called Ultimate Chaos that was really terrible. I actually remember owning the Thomas The Tank Engine song on tape, when I was a kid. I think my dad [actor/comedian Keith Allen] got hold of it for me. And I just really loved it. [breaks into song, doo-doot-doing, then interrupts herself] Actually that’s a lie! The first song that I ever remember having on tape was the song by Prefab Sprout that went ‘hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque!’ Remember Prefab Sprout?

TM: No, I guess I’m not as hip as I let on.

LA: No, they’re the most un-cool band in the world. My dad used to play that tape in the car all the time when I was a kid. Actually my brother’s first word was ‘Albuquerque’ as a result of all that. Imagine that being your first word? And it wasn’t actually ‘Albuquerque’, it was more like ‘Alba-cookie’. Interesting nevertheless.

TM: So has it been his dream to go to Albuquerque?

LA: Yeah, definitely. He can’t wait. I’m going to take him there next year. [Laughs]

TM: It’s not too far from Coachella. Well, maybe not so close. If you could be related to any ‘Alan’, first or last name, who would it be?

LA: [thinks about it] I dunno, maybe Woody Allen? But then I might be married to him as well. [Laughs]

TM: If any film director, living or dead, approached you to compile a soundtrack for their next movie, which would you want it to be?

LA: Steven Soderbergh. Did he do Crash?

TM: No, that was Paul Haggis.

LA: The music to that was so terrible. If I had a choice, I would have done that one over, better.

TM: And then maybe you would have won an Oscar. Would you like to win an Oscar?

LA: Yeah, I think it’s probably in the cards. It’ll happen soon. [Laughs]

TM: I actually think you would do an amazing Bond theme song.

LA: Really?

TM: Yeah! Would you be interested in doing that?

LA: Yeah, maybe, that would be a good idea. I think Amy Winehouse is in line to do the next one. My godfather actually does the title credits, all the animation for the Bond films, for the past ten years. Maybe I’ll ask him.

TM: Obviously you’ve been to my website, but what others to your frequent in your free time?

LA: I like Slam Hype, Pop Justice, the Fader Blog. Usually when I’m on the internet basically it’s MySpace and my website. And Googling myself obviously.

TM: Of course, we all do it.

LA: [Laughs] Not like four times a day like me!

LA & TM: [Laughs]

TM: You can set up a Google News alert with your name and it will email you whenever something pops up.

LA: That’s a good idea! That’s what I should do. I’ll do that.

TM: I see that yer headed to Jamaica for the holidays?

LA: Yes I am.

TM: I’m going to be there for New Year’s. Well, if you’re around and you find me, the first 10 piña coladas are on me. Thanks for speaking with us today, and we wish you the best of luck in the future.

LA: Thank you very much. Where does Thighs Wide Shut come from?

TM: When I stared the site I needed a clever n

ame to match my clever self and I was a huge Stanley Kubrick fan. Eyes Wide Shut was his final film, and the rest is history. The name Thighs Wide Shut is both a blessing and a curse.

Thanks again Lily. I think you’ll do really well in America and if you don’t then I’ll personally go around beat up everybody.

Alright, Still [fynally] gets its US release on January 30, 2007

Remember, I’m a movie snob, not a music one, so my top picks are pretty much the only albums I listened to this past year. I’d rather be adventurous when I order out for Chinese, not when seekin out hot new artists that every other blogger cross the globe wastes their time leg humpin on. But why should I explain myself when I basically launched Lily Allen’s US career, right?

Les Breastest Albums
of 2006
To Hug Denim In Closets To

(I just don’t know hot to quit using this image)

1) Matthew Friedberger – Winter Women
(but NOT Holy Ghost Language School)

2) Lily Allen – Alright, Still
3) Jean-Benoit Dunckel – Darkel

4) The Flaming Lips – At War With The Mystics
5) The Sounds – Dying to Say This to You

6) The Streets – The Hardest Way to Make an Easy Living
7) The Who – Endless Wire
8) Kasabian – Empire

9) The Blue Safari – The Bluegrass Tribute To Air
10) Ghostface Killah – Fishscale
11) Keane – Under the Iron Sea

Concerts That Were More
Procerts Than Concerts

Wu-Tang Clan @ Phil’s Electric Factory – Feb 11
Gorillaz @ The Apollo – Apr 2 & 6 (Opening/Closing nights)
The Sounds @ Irving Platz – Apr 12
Ladytron @ Irving/Webster Hall – Apr 14/Sep 28
Keane @ Bowery – Jun 23
The Streets/Lad
y Sov @ Webster Hall – Jun 27
The Raconteurs @ Lolla – Aug 4
Chris Isaak @ The Beacon – Aug 18
Roger Waters @ Jones Beach – Sep 15
The Who @ MSG – Sep 18
Lily Allen @ Hiro Ballroom – Oct 10

+ two mos painful shows I sat thru
Charlatans UK @ Webster – May 16
Radiohead @ MSG Theatre – June 14

Tuneses For Toonces

Amy Winehouse – ‘Rehab’ [d]
Beck – ‘Think I’m In Love’ [d]
Beirut – ‘Mount Wroclai (Idle Days)’ [d]
Charlatans UK – ‘When The Lights Go Out In London’ [d]
Chris Cornell – ‘You Know My Name’ [d]
Christina Aguilera – ‘Candyman’ [d]
Darkel – ‘TV Destory’ [d]
DMC w/ Sarah McLach ‘Just Like Me’ [d]
Edie Brickell & The New Bos – ‘I’ll Wear You Down’ [d]
Fanfare Ciocarlia – ‘Born To Be Wild’ [d]
Fiery Furnaces – ‘I’m In No Mood’ [d]
Flaming Lips – ‘It Overtakes Me’ [d]
Ghostface Killah & Ne-Yo – ‘Back Like That’ [d]
Gnarls Barkley – ‘Crazy’ [d]
Gnarls Barkley – ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ [d]
Good, The Bad & The Queen – ‘Herculean’ [d]
Jack White – ‘What Goes Around’ [d|vid]
Jarvis Cocker – ‘Cunts Are Still Running The World’ [d]
Justin Timberlake – ‘My Love’ [d]
Kasabian – ‘Shoot The Runner’ [d]
Keane – ‘Is It Any Wonder?’ [d]
Leperchaun’s Hot Dogs – ‘Where The Gold At?’ [d|vid]
Lily Allen – ‘Friday Night’ [d]
Lily Allen – ‘Knock Em Out’ [d]
Lily Allen – ‘LDN’ [d]
Matthew Friedberger – ‘Her Chinese Typewriter’ [d]
Moby & Debbie Harry – ‘New York, New York’
(Armand Van Helden remix) [d]
Paris Hilton – ‘Stars Are Blind’ [d]
Raconteurs – ‘Steady As She Goes’ [d]
Red Hot Chili Peppers – ‘Dani California’ [d]
Sean Lennon – ‘Friendly Fire’ [d]
Sounds – ‘Painted By Numbers’ [d]
Streets – ‘Hotel Expressionism’ [d]
Who – ‘Not Enough’ [d]
Wigwam – ‘Wigwam’ [d]
Wolfmother – ‘Woman’ [d]
Wu-Tang Clan – ‘9 Milli Bros’ [d]
Zutons – ‘You’ve Got A Friend In Me’ [d]
•
think this year’s blazzles blew burrito chunks? Czech out the ’05, the ’04, and the ’03’s moist choices!

and before we jet outta here, lettuce pay due respeck

Peace The Fork Out
to
the man who really needs no introduction
other than bein
the Godfather of Soul
James Joseph
Brown, Jr.

1928 or 1933 – 2006
I was lucky to have seen the man perform twice in my life. The first time was the mos memorable, although I was 10 and I can’t eggzactly prove that I was there. Anywho, the event was a six-hour Vietnam Vet tribute concert entitled Welcome Home, and was held at the now deceased Capital Centre, in Landover, MD. The bill was chock-loaded with the likes of Crosby Stills, & Nash, Richie Havens, Linda Ronstadt, et al, but one act stood above the rest: James Brown. I didn’t understand why he kept on playing, even after endless pleas for him to stop came from a stagehand, but years later I found out that is was all a par
t of his act. What a true showman. A showman who’s talents (and hair) will never equalled. Hopefully Papa’s got a brand new bag and whatever else he desires in that big Apollo Theater in the sky