Thighs Wide Shut

– SAAB (Small And Animated Boobs). NSFW (Not Safe For Work). TTMMFNSA (The Thigh Master’s Mos Favoritistits New Site Around). [via Cefle via Metafilter]

– Really lame Urban Legends. [via Site With That HORRIBLE Logo]

– The Steelers’ logo and why its only on one side of the helmet all hexplained here! [via Ask Yazoo!]

– Alaska could have been the next Netherlands.

– ‘Kemosabe’, not racist.

– The Missouri El Tigres’ men’s b-ball squad were smacked with 3 years probation, but no ban on tourney play. Quin Snyder could not be reached for comment cause his nose was deep down in a pile of blow. Let it be known that Quiny, with the Leonardo DiCap hair, be the only person associated with the Dukies that I remotely respect.

– Liquid Heroin Found in Fruit Juice Boxes. I think these be those long lost/rumored juice boxes that were suppose to end up in Jonestown, Guyana, instead of that wicked cyanide Kool-Aid.

– Flash animation at tits wurstest, starring Ted ‘The Million Dollar Man’ DiBiase (best watched wit sound). [via Mr Flip] Speaking of WRASTlin’, is it juss me or did anyone else not know that Miss Elizabeth died last year? Everyone snap into a Slim Jim on her behalf and bewhole.

– Buy a the mix CD pieced together by Grandaddy’s Jason Lytle and you can win a mix cassette! WOW! Now all the winner has to do is find a tape player!

– Add Macca to the Band Aid III line-up.

– Select yous, sign up for free passes to see Natalie Portman play a stripper in Closer or Geoffrey Rush looking eggzactly like Peter Sells in The Life & Death of Peter Sellers. And for you EnWhySeaers, pick up free passes to see Bridget Jones II, Seed of Chucky, and Brett Ratner’s latest piece of crap.

And some final political fizz…

– Now that Puffy’s mission of getting famous skinny people and Democratic NYers to vote is over, maybe he can resurrect Nintendo’s Skate Or Die!

– Single and want to move to Canada pronto? Click me! Or contact Cutie Canuck Paige. [via My Democratic Man Marvkus]

– You thought G Dub won yesterday? Boviously you were mistaken. The map don’t lie peoples! Major congratrelations to The Peabs & The Coz!!! I can already hear the ‘4 more years!’ chant, but…

– Who you puttin yer money on in 2008? Here be

In what is to be the last TWS poll in a while, you, our dearest and devoted losers readers, came out in great numbers to decide once and for all, Who Is The Breast Mike Tyson Punch Out Foe That Isn’t Mike Tyson? I would have bet the farm on Von Kaiser and his killer mustachio to take home the title, or even on the great Don Flamenco as a longshot, simply cause he’s the Red Rose of Spain, but it was other stereotypes that dominated the top two spots in the hearts and minds of voters. And although Piston Honda blinked and winked his way into an early lead…

In the end, it was a landslide victory for

the Eastern European jerk, Mr Soda Popinski!!!

And many a thankses to the greatestist

Mike Tyson Punch Out site mt everest:

RedTom`s Punch-Out!! Page

For the grand thefting of such great gif(t)s

– Lettuce pack the car kiddies and head west until we hit Clearfield, PA 16830. Why? Cause two whole tomatoes, a half-head of lettuce, 12 slices of American cheese, a full cup of peppers, two entire onions, a river a mayonnaise, ketchup, and mustard, and 6 lbs of beef await us at Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub. I mean, you can’t even buy a black market 9 lb baby for $23.95! Freedom means a lot of things to a lot of peoples, but to me, it means burgers as big as Rosie O’Donnell’s left a$$ cheek!! [Bless you Wanamaker for this k-knowledge]

– To broke to get HBO? Today be yer lucky day as we bring, Ali G’s cohort, Borat to your computer monitor. [Link via London News Review]

– Subservient Chicken. And now, Subservient President. I’ll pay someone 6 dollars if they build me a Subservient Lohan. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– StereoTrident unravels: Kevin Ferderline, The Early Years.

– In honor of the Orimpics, just a few gyros away, we give you the worstest javelinerster evers. All apolygeez if you’ve seen it before. And this is what it sounds like if Webster was Asian and sang like a dying cat [Vids via Flea]

– Batman Begins begins. At least Joel Suckmaker isn’t directing.

– Nintendo’s Mario explained! The Super Mario Bros. Super Show starring Cpt Lou Albano not explained!

– She wore a JonRamseyBenet, the kind you find in a second hand store. Oh, by the way, her daddy is in a close race for a state House seat in Michigan.

– The Brown Billboard. [Link via Socialightbrite]

– Dave Chappelle is rich bitch. Fity mil rich.

– I’ll give someone a back rub if they send me to Hawaii this Thanksgiving to see The Maui Invitational. Tickets go on sale August 17.

– R.E.M., Springsteen, Dixie Chicks, the OG JT, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt, Jimmy Buffett, John Mellencamp, and Dave Matthews Band are all Kerryworshipers and are hittin’ the road in his name.

– Final-lee, THIS IS QUITE UMCREDIBLE. [Link love wants again from Zach de la Roachclip]

– Forget about following what those “professional bloggers” are reporting at the DNC. Just czech out what our man the Shoppe of Products Keeper has scooped up.

– And is Vincent Gallo the creepiest Republican ever? [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Weezer, say it aint so: New York Subway Stop Names For Sale?.

– To Hell with Lohan’s Herbie: Fully Loaded, cause Toyota’s going to unleash a real car with real emotions. Scare-E shiz. Maybe we should have listened to Will Smith’s proclamation of Them, Robots.

– The Archdukes invade the Roseland Ballroom on September 9th. Tickets go on sale this Friday at noon. Get em before all the hipster bloggers beat you to em!

– Everyone’s one stop shop for a$$holeism, SiegHeil.de has a new look… being redirected to Shoa.de, a site dedicated to exposing the horrors of the Holocaust.

– My boy Wanamaker is fit, but don’t he know it! He’s the one smiling in the lower left-hand corner.

– If yer rich, marry me, but also peepage what my girl Chillary “My Last Name Really Isn’t” Johnmis on CNN has to say about bling-bleaux travel and leisure.

– Saddam loves muffins and cookies, gardening, and penning poems about GWBusch. He’s more American than Amerigo Vespucci.

– Words. Lots of words.

– VMA noms announced. Yer umhumble Thigh Master has declared a jihad on the VMAs ever since the Gorillaz’ “Clint Eastwood” video lost to Mudvayne for the M2 award in 2001.

– Jenny McCarthy to star in a Dirty movie that she also wrote and her husband will direct. If her boobs aren’t in it for 68/69nths of the time, I’ll demand my money back.

– Calculate how much booze you’ve downed in yer life here. [Link via Randall Palms]

– The Steven Segal Official Fan Club. Don’t sign up all at once now! [Link 1nce again via Zach de la Roachclip]

– And don’t read this before lunch or visiting yer dentist: Dentist Allegedly Injected Semen Into Patients’ Mouths. [Link via Guns ‘n’ Rosenthal]

– On behalf of yers truly, the Thigh Daddy, the BeastMaster, Blaster Master, Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster and the rest of the Master clan, we want to wish our cousin, the View-Master a merry 65th b-day. To celebrate, they’ve even inducted him into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Go get em Viewie!! Yer 3-D is butter than all of Jaws 3-D and the virtual reality in The Lawnmower Man. Speaking of, where have you gone Jeff Fahey? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

– Bush/Hitler comparison clip removed from Ozzfest video montage. I don’t think people would have complained as much if it was just a clip of A$$hole eating a watermelon.

– Tom & Jerry, the live action talk show. It’s not what you think.

– What on earth is Bert doing to Ernie? [NSFW thing via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Dan the Automat on board for Archduke’s follow-up?

– Dave Abbott challenges pretty boy Ken Jennings to a cage match to the death. “I think I could take him.”

– The grandest college basketball team in all the land, los Merryland Twerps, are headed to Italy this fall for a 12 day preseason tour. And Duke, they’ll be at home shining Mike Kyryewqssrkskikiesies’s johnson. And the nihilists, they’re going to cut off the Dude’s johnson. And the Dude, he’s got a great soundboard. Back to Twerp shariz: Welcome back Keith Booth!! And do you think Walt Williams still hangs out with Hootie and his Blowfish?

– Dem be some tall buildings.

– Leisure Suit Larry all over again?

– 1 in 5 Germans drink to get drunk. What do the other 4 do? Have a bit of the olde stein-haussen-weiner-shintizel-fliz-huis-de-flughaufen and then gobble a watermelon?

– 21 days until the Athens games. Wake me up when it’s 2006, cold, and Johnny Mosley’s baking some more dinner rolls.

– Who created the scores for Planet Of The Apes, Total Recall, Gremlins, Chinatown, Hoosiers, many a Star Trek fliz, and yes, even The Twilight Zone? Oscar owner, Jerry Goldsmith, dats who. Well, he croaked Wednesday night. Peace the f%@k out dawwwwwwwwg.

– Some say breastesiest Goonies website out there. Some of those people are these people people.

– Join the Army and get bigger breasts or a smaller nose for free!!

– Those Dutch make killer pancakes, dope, and windmills. Apparently, they’re also tall is fork.

– And word on the street is that Lindsay Lohan ate lunch yesterday. I heard she also had something to drink, but when we contacted her reps, they responded with “No comment.”