Thighs Wide Shut

• So tell me again, why do we need guns in this country? Seriously, do u need one? Does it make you feel like a real man? Do you watch too much Deadwood or sumtang? What’s yer effin deal pal? Oh, you pissed at me? Why don’t you come over to my .org and shoot me dead. It’ll solve all yo problems, right? I mean, only COOL people use lead pipes, ropes or other Clue weapons these days (that aren’t the revolver). Don’t bee leave me? Ask my good pal Col Mustard. But don’t you dare ask him why ‘colonel’ isn’t spelt like it sounds, ‘kernel’.

• A diet-coked up Pat O’Brien likes to leave silly voice mails on hot chicks’ cellies. Dude loves to eat a$$ apparently. [NSFW audio via The Dec West]

• Eeeeeesssh, Mishka-Mischa’s sister looks like a microwaved version of the Keds hawkin’ star. But back to more important things, like Barty-Barfon’s NSFW nippies [via The Drunk StepDaddy & The Double V]

• Everyone knows I’m a big fan of freshly-minted 18 year olds, right? Well, guess who’s party I’m crashing on the second Saturday in April at Hiro in the Maritime Hotel, sponsored by Motorola, that includes a live performance by Maroon 5? I’ll give you a hint, she’s always in a hurry and hits yellow balls with great furry. Give up? Click here. And for you my dear, the countdown continues. Boy am I sick. [via NYDN]

• Why gawd why? Not even Gabrielle Union’s crazy/beautiful selfness can save this pointless reimagining.

• Twis it jus me or does the new Weezer song ‘Beverly Hills’ (listen to a clip here) sound like ‘Undone (The Sweater Song)’. I don’t even think the lads are even trying anymore.

• Jessica Simpson Cringes When Watching ‘Newlyweds’… join the club sweetats!

• David Spade, or is it Owen Wilson, has a penis nose? [via The I-Train]

• Graham Coxon to start work on new album, then decorate his bathroom.

• A black woman will be one of 7 peeps playing Bob Dylan in biopic directed by genius Todd Haynes. I guess the times ARE a changin’. [via Made of Brawnski]

• Ricky G will not be ‘BBC’s bitch!‘

• Pulp’s ‘Common People’ illustrated by Gorillaz/Tank Girl guy Jamie Hewlett. [via Attention Baby!]

• How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once? Let the debate begin! [via My Man Markus]

• 4 dolls that scare the crap out of me.

• Ouch! [via Z de la JuicyFruithead]

• Take one guess who said this, ‘I don’t like to complain all the time, but that’s what I do for a living, and I’m lucky because there’s so much to complain about.’ Did you guess right?

• Lass nite, me & Ms Megbot attended the NY premiere of D.E.B.S.. This has got to be the bestestist AND wurstestist plaid-skirted, lesbian crime-fighting flick of all thyme. A full review is 4thcummin (like 23476742389095 others I’ve promised), but in the meantime I wanted to point out how impressed I was with the rotoscoping. Somebody hire this girl, who I hear is a champion fencer as well! And major spanks to the mooovie for reminding me of the beauty and the peach that is Jordana Brewster, who was also in attendance. Had this site been a fully operational Death Star five or so years ago, she might have easily been crowned Her Royal Thighness The I. I guess I’ll have to settle for dreaming about licking honey and brown sugar off of her bushy eyebrows. Yummy-lama-lumma-licous!

• March 9th – One day in and we already have our first spin-off blog, AhRonGuy. Too bad it was one entry and gone for Mr. Ah Ron. But others would follow, like Kid Kadoji, The Thinker, Dropping off a Blog in the Turlet…, and The I-Train

• March 10th – First link to another blogger’s site, Mr Bandwagon Boy’s review of the new Mell Gibbsen movie Jesus Christ the Passions!

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• March 11th – First mention of Elisha Cuthbert (Her Royal Thighness the II) AND my sistah Flea becomes the first person credited for contributing a link. The link was this

• March 12th – ALF becomes the first pic posted in Thigh Wide Herstory. Thanks to Code 7R for letting me steal from their bandwidth for over a year and not saying a word!

• March 14th – Steve Buscemi & John Waters are the subjects for the first ‘Switched at Birth’ thang (which later would become ‘Bitched @ Swirth’)

• March 17th – Steven Weber of Wings fame becomes the first celeb I’ve run into since starting this whole thang.

• March 19th – Spot The Drummer debuts

• March 22nd – Eternal Sunshine & Intermish receive the first full Thighs Wide Review

• March 24th – I reveal my alter ego

• March 30th – Jesus blesses us with our first posted animated gif. No, not that Jesus.

• April 19th – The term ‘‘cock-blogged is introduced into the lexicon for all to use.

• April 30th – Dan Newbower becomes the first guest-blogger on this day.

• May 9th – My site finally overtakes all other booty-arsed urls as the #1 result when searching for ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ on Google.

• May 18th – I become fiending blog whore and start a second site: RidersOfLohan.blogspot.com. That lasted all of 12 seconds. Great name though, if I muss say so myself. I say you can say so! Thanks me. You’re quite welcome me.

• May 26th – We were added to F.U.B.A.R.’s link roll. The influx of hits hasn’t stopped since.

• June 2nd – Like the Jeffersons, I moved on up into Grambo‘s ‘Creme de la Creme’ category of link-a-dinks.

• June 4th – I am informed that I’m not the first blog to utilize the picture of The Kid :(

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• June 11th – Some douche bag buys ThighsWideShut.com before I did :(

• June 15th – Thigh Master meets Napoleon Dynamite

• July 2nd – While America was 2 days away from celebrating our independence from the Brits, we celebrated Lohan’s birth, the death of ThighsWideShut.blogspot.com and the birth of ThighsWideShutDOTOrg. Sure, this is the day I started to pay money TO blog, but I no longer had to steal people’s images/bandwidth.

• July 4th – I bowl a 231!!!

• July 7th – Thigh Master featured in national commercial whoring Napoleon Dynamite. Some might call this ‘un-baaa-leave-able!’

• July 9th – Lohan haunts my dreams

• July 11th – Lindsay Ismims becomes my newest bestest friend!

• July 15th – Lohan is dubbed the first ‘Her Royal Thighness’.

• July 16th – In memory of the founder of Gold’s Gym, the phrase ‘Peace The Fork Out’ is brought into this world for all to use. Up til then, I had been using ‘Peace The Fuck Out’, which is an homage to the Travis song of the same name. Wanna search all the ‘Peace The Fork Out’s? Thought so.

• July 20th – Prince Charles takes his first ride in cab EVER!

• July 25th – The readers of TWS.org vote that I should marry Lohan. Cuthbert wasn’t even on the ballot. Tsk tsk on my cysts.

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• August 8th – My love of corn is revealed

• August 18th – Our Thighs Spies scoop about Lohan’s lohandlers on the set of Herbie not only got some Defamer love, but also made the ‘buzz’ section of one of the most ghetto free newspapers in the world, The AM-NY… although not credited directly.

• August 22nd – I decide one and for all, The Thigh Master needs an heir

• September 1st – Ms Washingtonienne’s Playboy pics are unleashed. I consider chopping off my penis.

• September 12th – Sister Thigh Master engaged, FINALLY!!

• September 28th – Thigh Master meets Ultra and the Raveonettes

• September 29th – Baseball returns to DC

• October 5th – The last Thighs Wide Shut poll’s results

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• October 20th – Lohan’s long reign as Her Royal Thighness is over, as we welcomed our second Queen, Elisha Cuthbert. What can I say, my new sweetheart loves a man who loves corn. On this day I also received the best news in my first year as a Master of Thighs: Graham Coxon to re-join Blur!!

• November 3rd – Kerry gives up and I get all political… FOR ONCE!

• November 5th – Tara Reid’s gives us the nip slip. Yuuuuuuuuuurcsdcvjcvk!!

• November 7th – I celebrate myself and others born on this day.

• November 19th – Cuthbert dyes her hair and ALMOST gets booted from the Kingdom of Thighland

• November 22nd – Ron Artest goes ape shit & I hand in my bestest worstest Photoshopping to date. I also lie to everyone at work, go to the secret U2 show & insta-blog what’s going on to Stereogum.

• November 30th – Cuthy turns 22 and I wax poetic

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• December 1st – Ken Jennings LOSES!

• December 2nd – I request an intern. Only two people apply, but I never reply to them. I feel bad. But I think I do need an intern to search for crap on my behalf. Any takes out there? Email me.

• December 7th – Toughest day of my life

• December 12th – I become the first person to launch the search for Team Zissou Adidas shoes. Too bad they never made any, so people were forced to DIY it and some sold them for recockulous prices on eBay… which apparently no longer allows anyone to sell them.

• January 5th, 2005 – Superficial’s snaps of Jessica Alba in a white bikini officially end any chances that I may turn gay. And this proves that Jeff Gaycia is not gay-cia. But before you’re gay, you see The Hole.

• January 14th – My idol, Andy Rooney turns 86

• January 18th – Mischa Barton sheds the Falkor look and out-hots Her Royal Thighness the II at the Golden Globes. Barf-on becomes Her Royal Thighness the III for a day! Then went back to looking like Falkor.

• January 19th – Jamie Lynn Spears mania hits an all time high in the House of Thighs

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• February 2nd – I fall asleep at a concert for the first time and the future of TV is possibly saved!

• February 11th – Call it ‘Writer’s Blogck’ cause how else do you eggsplain how I could not come up with a title for a posting?

• February 16th – ‘Super-Giraffe’ movie idea is born

• March 8th – Thighs Wide turns 1!!! Duhvs!

Bitched @ Swirth

• Exxon & … • Rob Dibble & … • Cosby & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt I • Kim Clijsters & … AND Passanger 57 & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt II • Jenna Bush & … • Me & … • Kim Fowley, Ed Begley Jr. & … • John Kerry & EVERYONE • Lee Iacocca & … • I Heart Huckabees & … • Kuato from Total Recall & … • Carlos D & … • Not one of mine, but way worthy: Arafat &… • I was kinda proud of this one: The Bitched @ Swirth Trio Combo • This is probably 2nd finestest evs, and almost to true to be funny: Mischa Barton &… • Darrell Hammond & … • Napoleon Dynamite & … • The Kid & …

• Wyatt/Ilan Mitchell-Smith

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• Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano

• Chloe Sullivan/Allison ‘The’ Mack

• Biff Tanner/Tom Wilson

• Urkel/Jaleel White

• Wayne Arnold/Jason Hervey

• NOT Shia LaBeouf Cake

• D.A.R.Y.L./Barret Oliver

Fame Is A Bitch

• Still One of the Most Uncomfortable Pictures Ever

• Rich Kotite

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• Cut It Out.net

• John Kerry Is A Douche Bag But Im Voting For Him Anyway.com

• Draft Ditka

• Book Corky for your next event or The Fridge!

• Doing a Lynndie

• Scotty/James Doohan 4 EVA!

• Carl Lewis’ music video

• Hillary, Laura, and me

• ‘I hear there’s rumors on the internets‘

• Ulrich Haarbürste writes stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film

• Andrew Llllloyd Groper

• JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com

• The Many moods of Mischa Barton

Spank The Lord I Aint Any of These People

• The Tron Costume Guy w/the male camel toe!

• The Man of LaMustache

• The woman who stomped grapes

• Man selling swords on TV hurts himself

• Brutally Honest Personals

• World’s greatest mugshot?

• If I fall, will you catch me?

• Review of Dr. Ted Rothstein’s cosmetic braces

• BikerFox

• Angry Black Man: The Video

• The strange story of Lewis V Sills (we’re still the #1 search for it)

• What is this guy doing?

• The mos uncomfortable news report you may ever peep. You were warned. If you need to feel better, maybe you need to peep these news reports.

• Ouchers

• The Day After Party

• The Numa Numa kid

Listen Up

• Gunther Branlutte hands in one of the year’s best songs, ‘You Touch My Tralala’, videos [NSFW], and games [NSFW] that no one even remembers.

• 10 worst album covers of all time

• The Jim Mora Rants

• Coldplay hands in ‘Nappies‘

• The Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ remixes revisted

• I hope David Bowie never sees this

• CookiePuss speaks!

• ’99 Luft Problems’

• Thighs Wide Music of ’04

Cinemasters

• The faux Hobbit trailer

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• The faux Episode III trailer & Being teased by Ep III‘s teaser

• The breastest movie songs of all thyme

• Ebert & Roeper memorable review of White Chicks, audio style

• The Next Citizen Kane

• The only Mulholland Dr website you’ll ever need

• The Wet Dream Team

• No budget filmmaking at its mos awfulistical

• Why rent The Girl Next Door, when you can watch the best part here.

• Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project

• Thighs Wide Movies of ’04

Shall We Play A Game?

• The Subservient Chicken

• Let Them Sing It For You

• Touch this guy’s face

• Chicken Pong

• Kids ‘N Play

• Punch Bush in the face

• ROCK OUT!

• Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game

ProductShopTWS

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• Fake Dr Pepper

• Butt Paste

• Yarmulkebra

• Custom M&Ms!

• Nothing quite sez Chappy Channukah like this

• Torture your child

• For once, being a red state is a good thing

• Cat Butt Gum

• ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtray

• Steve Perry as Robocop

The Information Super Thighway

• Bar Mitzvah Disco

• 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

• Words I hate and words I love

• Build your own KITT car

• 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records

• Boong Ga Boong Ga

• Cellie-Bratin’ The Subway’s Cent-Tennyul

• Learn how to give a mouse an enema

• Search & Destro

• My best ‘Peace The Fork Out’ piece. The best one I didn’t do.

Information-less Super Thighway

• Ping pong madness

• Volume on and get ready for a sirprize

• Duct Tape Prom Fashions

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• Ali G’s Ghettosburg Address @ Harvard’s Graduation (FFwd to 01:27:34, unless you want to be bored for 90 minutes)

• Foriegn fingers

• Nuclear Bob’s Shirt of the Day

• POLAPOLAPOLAP

• Wurstest re-offender dot.evs

• Borat sings ‘Throw The Jew Down The Well’ and the world will never be the same

• Two girls beat the fork outta each other

• 2004 Asian Mustache Olympics

• Khaaaaaaaaaan!

• Whatevs.blogspot.com

• Hipster Jenga

• Why The World Hates American Tourists

• EaglesHaveNeverWonTheSuperBowl.com

• The Karate Chimp

• The Rubik’s Cube Kid

• Saved By The Be(ll)st

• Sausages: The Video

The Not Safe For Work
(NSFW) Collection

• A pic of Lil Kim’s Ill Na Na between her thighs.

• Why is this black man sucking of Courtney Love’s breast in public again?

• This one will make u lose yer lunch

• Rate My Camel Toe

• Cumshots, the band, and their stage show

• Ludivine Sagnier Nekkid

• Elvira nekkid

• Flash Mountain

• Watch the kid in the background

• Is this yer granny or yer gran-pa-pa?

• Natalie Portman was so darn good in Closer, and by good, I mean pole dancing up a storm!

• Tonya from Real World/Road Rules Playboys pics

• Japanese Anime dolls that poop

• Really milky titttties

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Porn

YOU, yes you, did a stooopendus job clicking dear readers. I ask of you only this one thing: Name me your favorite headlines from the past year (i.e. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Behrooz). Or ignore what I juss said and marvel at this collage of some of the best beards and ‘staches…

– Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game HERE! [via Navi via BeantownSportsGuy]

– If Jamie Foxx doesn’t win the Best Actor Oscar, Chris Rock is going to steal one ‘ from one of the sound or light people that win and give it to him.’

– Audrey Tautou possib on board for Opie’s da Da Vinci Code. Look, I love the wide-eyed French femme, but is this going to make the movie too sugary and cutesy? Regardless, the only thing that would keep me from seeing it would be if they cast Vince Vaughn.

– Last week during the Inauguration festives, CBS shmaltz specialist Steve Hartman headed to DC in search of President Bush in the flesh. Along the way he petted an armadillo, sat on a cow, paid a visit and cash to a scalper, took in a Hilary Muff performance, and yes, finally caught a glimpse of The Double-U himself.

– Have you been terribly jonesing since the days that fat Star Wars Kid took over the world (the Psycho remix is a personal flav)? Well, I guess we could call this a sequel [speakers ON]. And by this, I mean a fat kid gettin all jiggy to a Romanian techno song, on a webcam. Gawd bless the internerd. [much loved link via Ceffle]

– And whilst wees at-at it, why not take a peep at this video remix thingie about how messed up our gov’mint is. [via Juwanamaker]

– Five Things You Didn’t Know About Natalie Portman, but really won’t care to remember either!

– Is the world really ready for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo? Well, I know my dad is.

– Noel Gallagher hates Christmas.

– Nevada Judge Throws Out Lap-Dance Law

– Cuthbert pic w/NSFW see-thru top? Sounds too good to be true, cause it probably is… [via Clevetown Mustard King] Instead, how bout something so real, it’ll make you wet your pants in a good way, like its twin pic did to you last go around…

– Steve Urkel of 2004, metrosexual or heteroflexible? You be the judge.

– You’alls better pre-order the Sleepover DVD now before its sold out in stores everywhere. We’re talking Halo 2 type mania here folks!

– Bid with confidence on Munchkin Meinhardt Raabe’s umcredible hat. If only it included the munchkin as well… [via Navi The Terrible]

– Be a sport like me, and volunteer for The NYC 2012 Olympic Posee.

– Disgusted that you bought Ashlee Simpsons’ album? H.O.P.E. (Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment) is here to help! [via Cefflediddle]

– Here’s something for Ross, eater of balls, and all the rest of you olde shul gamers to enjoy: really stoopid 8-bit Nintendo flash movies (warning: site has music)! Be sure to watch the Big Bird ‘Word Up’, Bases Loaded, and Blades of Steel parody vids.

– The toy I’ve been waiting all my life for is finally a reality: Darth Vader Voice Changer Helmet. [via Laing Sack of Sh#t]

– Sacha Baron Cohen to play everyone’s flavorite Purim character? [via Fid Fisto]

– Do we really need an American version of EastEnders?

– I love (pumping) irony: Kubrick, a self-hating Jew, in Hebrew.

– Woman breastfeeds a dog. I don’t care what her reasoninging is, that’s FORKING dirtgusting!!! [via Made of Brawnstein]

– College would’ve been so much easier with Google Scholar. Do I foresee a peace the fork outtting for LexisNexis?

– Do Twinkies live forever? All the truths lie/lay here. [via Ask Yazoo]

– Need more Bitched @ Swirth action than yer humble mumbler Thigh Master is currently providing? Head on over to Seeing Double for all yer needs.

– And muchos Kudos and granola bars to Using Tony’s Computer for dropping in the comments box this udder HOTtiestnessness (YOU BETTER CLICK OR ELSE) of Cuthy Cuthbert&ernie getting her groove back like Stella. I’ve already had 14.7 wet daydreams today after looking at it and my workmates are starting to wonder why there’s a giant pile of glue near desk!!! But sadly, that may be our lastest magic moment together as a couple. It could be time to give Her Royal Thighness The II the ole heave-HO-bag. How could you do this to your hair dearest deario without even consulting me, your lil anal fisting king, first? I had to hear of this tragic news from Cullenigan (wo)Man, a dear and loyal subject of Thighland. Shame on you!! If I were you, I’d start packing yer 3,563456,35 pairs of shoes and other assorted crap, cause come Monday, I’ll make my final decision whether you stay or you vincent van gogh-go the FORK AWAY!! What a HORRIBILISTICally weak end this is already shaping up to be.