Thighs Wide Shut

Wii Didn't Start The Fire

12. Dec, 2006 0 Comments

jfk, blown many days, what else do i have to spray?

And that fire is peoples’ mad desire to become gamers again, for the first time, or to continue on being the twelve-sided dice freaks that this for this new busted-arsed century. Seriously folks, aged 9, 69 or 6969, man or bizatch, whitey or blackie, yellowie or Redskin, dirty Jew or dirty dancer, if you’re an agronomist, a
boatswain, a comptroller, a dominatrix, an exchequer, a fellmonger, a gondolier, a haberdasher, an innkeeper, a juggler, a kinesiologist, a lady-in-waiting, a manicurist, a ninja, an oboist, a pickler, a quivermaker, a registrar, a sexton, a
taikonaut, an usher, a ventriloquist, a wainwright, a xylophonist, a yodeler, a zoot-suitist or are of any other occupation and have two hands YOU MUSS GO OUT AND BUY A NINTENDO WII (don’t let the caps throw yo off, although the ‘tendo is gettin into a World War for yer money vs Sony & Microsoft).

After my domination of Tony Hawk 3 on PS2, I had retired from the gaming world, I thought for good, cept for the occasi 8-bit glory of blowing into my ye olde cartridges, but hype and curiosity got the breast of me. And methinks that $250 is a small price to pay for the single greatest toy of balls thyme. Also, I never owned me the Power Glove, and I figured that this would help to make up for that bit o’ my lost childhood

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the ultimate in hand jobs

it’s so much fargin fun that even hot chicks dig it

she can play with mii joystick any olde day

and even average looking chicks too!

and I’m sure fatty-boom-booms do too since the Wii provides more eggsercise than removing a slice of pizza from a box and shoving it down one’s piehole!

Breast part of the whole dang thang, besides the thumcredible interactivity, the people destroying their televisions and themselves (czech out Wiihaveaproblem.com early and often), or the old school skin you can buy, is that you can download old games (NES, SNES, N64, Sega Genesis, and even ye booty arsed TurboGrafx-16) thru their Virtual Console. Not a ton o games are available yet, although I’m totally rockin Sonic the Hedgehog, but every Monday four more get released. No word on if or when Toobin’ will be available

So don’t delay, blow whomever you have to, but get a Wii so you can wii all over yerself like I have for the past 2 bestestest weeks of my life, besides the first 2 weeks of life and the 2 weeks I totally anally raped your father in Guam

All Posts, Games

Nintendo, Sega

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Spanksgiving & Misgivings & Earnest Givens

27. Nov, 2006 0 Comments

Say what you will about Labor, Arbor or Secretary’s Day, but thighs down, there is no better American holiday than Spanksgiving. Everyone in our mostly fine country celebrates it, regardless of race, color, smell, or updog. If yer not eating pie on the third Thursday in November, then you probably aint gonna make it with anyone anyhow. So in honor of Honor Blackman‘s boning of Principal Onyx Blackman while listening to Onyx‘s ‘Slam'[d], we give spanks, and misgivings, and Earnest Givens

Spanksgiving!
-for my mother’s redonkey-donk greasy spoon
-for Joe Gibbs listening to Jesus’ call to bench Mark Brunell
-for Cliff Engle
-for Goldenfiddle
-for Orbit’s Lemon-Lime gum
-for Shitney giving her ho the heave
-for Garyland’s 7-0 start that may wash away memories of missing the tourney for the past 2 years and this, Navi the Terrible Bowler’s desktop background image
-for the color combo of green and yellow
-for Amy Ruth’s candied yams
-for The Onion‘s headlines
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors, and for those who boo his name when they see his Apocalypto trailer in theaters
-for Under Armour undies, they protect this house, and by house i mean my sweaty ball sac and killer dong!
-for Jhoon Rhee’s ‘Nobody Bother Me’ commercial
-for saucy red-heads with everlasting smiles
-for Spike TV’s Bond-A-Thon & AudioGarden’s Casino Royale KILLAH Bond theme
-for the moment I get my grubby lil hands on the Nintendo Wii
-for Drew Brees’ fantasy numbers that actually make Peyton Manning benchable in my keeper league
-for 1/20/09
-for Maryland’s world’s bestest flag
-for Borat’s endless curiosity of packaged cheese
-for Dan Steinberg’s Sports Bog
-for Sesame Chicken
-for bowling
-for Matthew leaving Eleanor at home to put her boots back on
-for mustaches
-for the return of Kelly Leak

Misgivings!
-for that cacophony of crap that is Timb Lake’s ‘Sexy Back’
-for the NFL Network
-for HD-DVD & Blu-Ray
-for mircowaved tunafish
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors
-for Nazis
-for Surf Nazis, who must die
-for my State Comptroller
-for Tower Records’ closing
-for the NBA
-for Philly’s MÃ¼tter Museum‘s love of all things mad yuck, including but not limited to sliced sections of the human head
-for NBC picking up Studio 60 for the whole season, thus forcing me to watch overly dramatic shiz that doesn’t need to be dramatic
-for Libby Gelman-Waxner’s mostly worthless ‘If You Ask’ articles in Premiere
-for Jessica Shaw’s always worthless Shaw Report in EW
-for the Lions, who should be banned from Turkey Day
-for Gustav Graves