Thighs Wide Shut

The Good, The Bad & The Queen
Webster Hall
March 12th
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[muse sick spy]
It goes without saying that Damon Albarn is an effin musical genius. I take that back, cause I want to make sure everyone knows: Damon Albarn is an effin musical genius. Not only would I bone him, but I would also PHONE him! If only I had his number. But seriously folks, Damon is a grade-A artiste, which is almost as tasty as grade-A beef! Everything he touches turns to critical gold, if not popular culture gold. The sorta-still front man of Blur is actually having more success now with his Traveling Wilburyesque side projects than he did with his ye olde fab foursome, aka the bestest thing to come outta England in the 90s, besides me and a case of Walker’s Salt & Lineker crisps. DA is like the Quentin Tarantino of the music world, digging up luminaries of days past and making them shine again. On the last Gorillaz joint, Neneh Cherry and Ike Turner were given new life and with Damon’s latest project, the band without a name, although everyone calls them The Good, The Bad & The Queen, Clash bassist Paul Simonon and Afrobeat founder Tony Allen get their due over.

As an album TGTB&TQ is a spirited and all around beyond solid effort. As a concert, tits exactly like listening to the album, since the gang play it from song one til song end (+ a B-side & and unfinished ditty), but it is not such a rock and/or rolling affair. Those looking to jump around would probably have to wait another night when the Fab Faux take up residency. TGTB&TQ’s show was more like a performance than a concert, which is purty much how I felt about the Apollo Gorillaz shows last year. One blizzoger said it breast, ‘The crowd was more impressed with who was on stage rather than the music itself.‘ Regardless of the rump shakenlessness and sorta-lameness of the crowd, the show ruled, juss like it’s ringleader. Can’t wait to see what Alban has up his sleeve next go around cause I’ll be there with bells on and cows on and most likely cowbells on!

‘Kingdom of Doom’ [d]

what, you lookin for an album that gives TGTBTQ a run for bestest of 2007? try this on for thighs

‘Young Folks’ [d]

Jill Cunniff
Mercury Lounge
March 11th

Although Austin’s annual South By Southwest music eggstravaganza sounds like the grandest event of the year, I doubt I’ll ever go. It’s not that I have anything against rockin out with my cockin out in the great state of Tejas, but there’s this thing called the NCAA Tourney that commences over the same weekend, and lettuce be honest, it trumps everything, including HJs, BJs, and seeing The Zico Chain in some sweaty bar! Anywho, lucky number slevin for me that a lot of these bands and musicians stop by NYC before heading south by southwest (ha!). Over the next three nights, I’m catching three of these acts, starting with ex-Luscious Jackson lead Jill Cunniff

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I cannot pinpoint when I fell in love with Jill Cunniff, but I can tell you that its been a love that has lasted almost 15 years, and a love that will last another 15 years, if not 1,500 years! While I’ve basically been out of the Luscious Jackson loop since their ’96 release Fever In Fever Out, I’ve never forgotten the hottness that is JC. And after catching one of her first solo gigs, at the Merc, I muss say that this mother of two is hottier than ever. Even hottier than Pat Summitt AND your moms!

Jill is not only hot, but she’s got the voice of an angel… the HOTTIEST ANGEL MT EVEREST!!! While her singing chops defined the sound of Luscious Jackson, Luscious Jackson did not define her. Take away the phat beats, as she did with then keyboardist Vivian Trimble for the side project Kostars and their one fab album Klassics With A ‘K’, and you will see who’s the most luscious of them all! Well, 12 long years after that side project, Jill finally has dropped her first solo album, the simple, fun and breezy City Beach. While most may find it all too mellow, I say give it a try, I say that you should say HELLO!

‘Happy Warriors’ [d]

what, you want something juss as simple, but with mo beats?
try this on for thighs

‘Starz In Their Eyes’ [d]

Oh, you wanted to know about the show? She was hot and so were her tunes. I want to make love to her and I want to make love to her music. And since tits impossible to make love to music I guess I’ll settle on making love while her music plays in the background!

Last noche we got our eyes and thighs on over to Southpaw to witness the disfitness that was the White Rapper‘s wrap party

As eggspected, there were more white people there than at a Jeff Foxworthy family reunion

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Not as I eggspected, John Brown and his les ghetto revival lost the grand prize to $hamrock and his grill

As eggspected, my camera snapped the mos les ghetto pics since Brett Ratner’s photobooth

Not as anyone eggspected, corn-row fuglyster G-Child outperformed sasstress Persia. The land mass now known as Iran was so effin whoreable that me and the mistress had to exit the venue before John Brown ever took to the stage

As bespectacled, MC Serch owned the night

If anyone truly was a winner from this show, it was him. Many forgot how effin best he was, and spanks to this semi-wack show, we will never make that mis-steak again. If only he still had that jewfro!

and as eggspected, I went home and JOed to the images on Misfit’s myspace page

Lily Allen
Webster Hall
February 10th

What’s sweet, sassy, more brassy than Shirley Bassey, in a classy all her own, and a bit too gassy to stifle her Shepherd’s Pie burps? If you guessed Abigail Breslin or Abigail Adams then you seriously have more issues than a 11-year subscription to Highlights Magazine. And if you didn’t guess then you obviously knew that the the answer was none other than unclassifiable British wunderkind Lily Allen.

Despite the jitters and understandable stiffness that she displayed at her 1st show on American soil, I was still thoroughly impressed with her 30-minute showcase last October at the Hiro Ballroom, while others were mos certainly not. Well, by the end of her triumphant one hour show on Saturday at Webster Hall, which featured edward james almost every song on her US release, 3 brilliant covers (some might call her Not So Weird Alice Yankovic), and the darlin’ underheard ‘Absolutely Nothing’, everyone was in agreement that she’s the bees knees more than Rick Dees‘ nuts.

Lily rules and I’m not juss spraying that cause she came to Thighland for a lengthy chat, or winked at me when I saw her live on Friday’s TRL, or cause she smokes more fags than Ted Haggard did in the ’06, but cause she really does. She’s the mos entertaining solo female artist going. She’s so fantabulous that MTV and myself both agree on something of greatness for the first time since they picked The Smashing Pumpkins’ ‘Tonight, Tonight’ as the video of the year for 1996. And oh, if you didn’t know how yumstoppable Lily truly is then be sure to czech her out in the upcommin’ She-Hulk movie!

LDN / Nan, You’re a Window Shopper / Knock ‘Em Out / Shame For You / Littlest Things / Cheryl Tweedy / Everybody’s Changing (Keane cover) / Naive (Kooks cover) / Not Big / Absolutely Nothing / Everything’s Just Wonderful / Friend of Mine / Friday Night / Smile /ENCORE/ Blank Expression (Specials cover) / Alfie

Justin Timberlake
MSG
February 7th

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I didn’t kick, I didn’t scream, but I was dragged to JT’s FutureCrazySexyCoolThingamajigs tour stop at Madison Square Garden last night, where apparently there were so many bizatches and so few men that del ladies were allowed to use our bathroom… and there was STILL a line! And after all is daid and sone, I will never let myself be dragged to a show like this ever again. While I actually do enjoy the kid’s latest album, cept for that unlistenable ‘Sexyback’ track (I still don’t get how the rest of your pleabs loves it), everything that he played that wasn’t on said album reminded me why I loathe 98% of the poop they pipe onto MTV. It was like watching a 2 hour half time show programmed by the people who choose the winners at the People’s Choice Awards. It’s not that the show wasn’t entertaining (although I was easily distracted trying to figure out who ‘Holzman’ was and why the #613 was retired in his honor), but it’s so far from my cup of tea. I’d rather be closer to a man tea bagging his nut sacks 5th ave into my mouth than drink from this white man’s R&B bs brew. The kid can dance, but he can also dress like that d-bag in Not Another Teen Movie (see above if yer too dumb to dot all the ‘t’s and cross all the ‘i’s). The mistress and I decided to beat the crowd and left before the show ended. Apparently we lost the berry rare opp to catch a live rendition of ‘Dick In A Box’, complete with Andy Samberg, Color Me Badd wardrobe, AND boxes [vid]. I never found that skit to be funny so I’m not too miffed about missing it. So if I can’t groove to ‘Sexyback’ or laff at ‘Dick In A Box’, will the People ever Choice me for one of their prestigious Awards? If so, maybe I’ll get all Sally Field and spray, ‘You choice me, you really choice me!’