Thighs Wide Shut

After 38 delicious episodes, spread out over four regal 4 seasons, and containing more spread legs than a Busby Berkeley production number, The Tudors reign has finally come to an end (for the second time!).  we salute you teamy dreamy Tudors, for you far superior infotainment and endless JO matz [NSFW], which never really seem to catch on to a humongous audience like it should have.  if you didn’t catch on, it’s truly yer loss, cause nuttin beats the combo of history and boobs, well, besides water and boobs.  for no better reason than to show some pics of hot chicks in corsets and crazy hood ornaments, we decided to rank Henry VIII’s six TV wives in order of royal thighness best/breastness to wurst/dogfacednessness.  enjoy

1)  Anne Boleyn | Natalie Dormer

she was crazy… crazy sexy foxy!!!  and made King Henry do things he probably shouldn’t have, but she did give us Queen Elizabeth the I, and gave I, calluses on my hand.  is ‘Dormer’ Spanish for ‘to give boners’?

2) Jane Seymour | Annabelle Wallis

Henry found a perfect wife in Jane, as she was mad slammin’, and in turn gave him what he always wanted: a BJ every 20 minutes a male heir. she was originally played in season 2 by the fetching Anita Briem, but was replaced by the even more fetch f fetching Annarungmybelle bangagainstaWallis

3) Catherine Parr | Joely Richardson

dearly departed Natasha Richardson was always the family hottie, leaving sis Joely solely in the background, but that doesn’t mean for a second that her talents aint on PARR with any other actress out there.  she brought humility to Henry’s court, without baring any breasts.  sometimes hotness doesn’t need to disrobe.  shocking, but true!

4) Katherine Howard | Tamzin Merchant

Katherine Howard was a floozy, and Tamzin Merhcant-Ivory played her as such.  she kinda looks like she’s 12 and she kinda doesn’t look so hot in our book, at least when compared to her lover Thomas Culppeps

5) Anne of Cleves | Joss Stone

Jossy done did well in her thankless role as the wife of Henry that he agreed to marry without ever meeting.  turns out she didn’t turn him on.  guess he thought the ‘Cleves’ in her name meant ‘totally wicked set of cleavage’.  if the internets were around in Anne’s time, there woulda been a search engine called ‘Ask Cleves’

6) Queen Katherine of Aragon |Maria Doyle Kennedy

Henry had every right to dump her frumpy a$$ for Anne Bone-lynn, although the fruit of their union, daughter Mary (Sarah Bolger), was the mos adorable character in the series

honorable non-Queen hotness/mentions: Anne Stanhope, Brigitte Rousselot, Princess Margaret Tudor, Lady Jane Howard, Ursula Misseldon and Lady Elizabeth Darrell, who had THE single greatest NSFW moment of the entire series, where a dude was feeling her up against a tree, and then, for the sake/benefit of the audience, turned her nekkid body towards the camera.  gawd save the King, and gawd bless The Tudors

Ola Ray was the girl in Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video.  she also had bit parts in Beverly Hills Cop II, ‘Gimmie A Break’, ‘What’s Happening Now!’, Night Shift and 48 Hrs. she also lost her clothes years before in Playboy.  that’s a nice!

more pic links here [NSFW]

this just not in: Eric Stoltz was the original Marty McFly in Back To The Future.  he filmed for four weeks in the role, and then was canned when Señor Spielbergo deemed his performance too serious.  he was replaced by Michael J. Fox (duh) and now for the THIS JUST IN portion of this post: Stoltz’s Jennifer Parker was none other than Melora Hardin (aka Jan from The Office)!!!!!  when Stoltz was canned, Hardin was too since she was taller than J. Fox.  the role then went to Claudia Wells (who didn’t reprise it for II & III, since her mom had cancer).  no scenes with Melora as Jennifer were ever shot, but this publicity photo is the proof in the puddin

oddly enuff, Melora (above) looks a lot like Pam from The Office, if she were stuck in the 80s and was fondled by Eric Stoltz

here be some additional photos of Eric Stoltz as Marty McFly

here’s what Claudia Wells looks like today
apparently she has boobs

here’s what Melora & her sweater puppies look like today

& while we’re at it: 1.21 GIGAWATTS (REDUX)

only one more episode of The Tudors remains (sniff sniff)

lettuce hope it goes out with a BANG!!

Selma Brook, as the nude French chick [NSFW]

Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky
The Rites & Wrongs of Spring
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

After watching the so-so Coco Before Chanel, which was filled with nuttin but horse riding and flirting and horse flirting, we were direly curious to find out what actually happened to Coco during Chanel. You know, the period in her life were she designed clothes and became and icon and stuff and things. Director Jan Kounen and writer Chris Greenhalgh‘s Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky is definitely an answer to what we were looking for, maybe not eggzactly THE answer, and so this is what happened during Chanel:

Coco Chanel, as you know, was a designer. Igor Stravinsky, as you may also know, was a composer. One day they cross paths, years pass, then they cross again, and another day after that Igor and his Russian wife and kids move into Coco’s country estate so he can work in peace and then some mo days pass and then one day Igor starts banging Coco and some other day after that Igor’s wife catches wind of it, but there’s not much she can do about it, cause she’s sick (and apparently has no eyebrows), so more lustful days pass and then wifey can’t stands it no mo and stuff and things, and then eventually, mo STUFF and THINGS! Somewhere in there, Chanel #5 is born, and the whole time, Igor has a killer mustache

True to its characters and their tumultuous relationship, the film is both cold and remote, which at times can be disengaging to the viewer. And yet, the film lingers on in our minds, weeks after seeing it. Maybe it’s cause Anna Mouglalis as Coco oozes major league attitude and sexiness, herspecially when compared to what Audrey Tautou did in her shoes. And dear ole Mads Mikkelsen, who’s usually resigned to playing badass bastards, is juss a quiet bastard here. We/I mean, who cheats on a sick wife with no eyebrows (played with much pity & sorrow by Yelena Morozova)??? But he looks so good in a mustache, even though he also looks kinda strange with a mustache, and so we kinda root for him and his mustache

But still, CC & IS left us wanting more of the Coco story. Does this mean we have to wait for Coco after Chanel for the complete picture that we seek?

Mon Chéri Poppin: Anna Mouglalis has eyes that can melt mens thighs

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Coco & Igor make mostly purty music together in NY & LA only, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…