Thighs Wide Shut

The Diana Ross & The Supreme Courts of Thighland, consisting of me, her, and Sio, is now in session. First order of bidness: What to do with my Thigh Slave, who hasn’t done shit since he started 3+ months ago? No brianer, I mean brainer, YOU’re fried, I mean fired!! Second order of bidness: How come it’s easier to find Carmen Sandiego than it is to find that fine piece of 80’s movie a$$?? Tabled til next session. Third order of bidness: Who flung poo? Dave Matthews & Co, case closed. And fourth and final order of bidness: Should Thighs branch out into the tee-shirt industry? This decision my friends, is in your hands… + needs 37/59ths approval from the Lower House of Thighs.

• ET 2? Et tu lizzaaame!! I’m still holding out for a different ET flick, one based off of Cheech’s character from Still Smokin’: Eddie Torres: Extra Testicle [via The Hole]

• Fake Katie Holmes shows us her tats [NSFWness via ONTD]

• Magic Mushrooms have been made illegal in the UK. Well, considering that Air Wick hasn’t produced that air freshener since the 80s this really won’t be much of an issue.

• I may have more pubes than Frankie Muniz, but he now officially has more fiancées than me. JERK!

• The Bloc Party continues thru Zeptember. Hit up the always horribilistic Roseland on Zept 9th. Electric Six plug in Zept and Rocktober. Hit up Bowery on Zept 30th.

• Spice Girls reunion? Mel C sez C u in hell to dat idea.

• Merry 75th to Blondie. I don’t think I’ve read more than maybe 2 of your strips, but yer hubbie has a killer sub shop in Bloomington, IN, with sit-down Donkey Kong!! In yer honor, d-lode Blondie’s ‘Rapture’

• Merry 1,000th issue Readers Digest! The only place where people get paid to write jokes worser than the ones found on the inside of Laffy Taffy’s wrappers.

• Westmoreland is more or less forked the peace train outta here AND Fitzgerald goes on the fritz, for good. Girl be my #1 gay sistah!

• Be a Doll and record a new album

• This eggsplains a lot

• Close yours eyes, pretend it’s the 30s, and listen to the radio broadcasts of the Mercury Theatre… hispecially Orson’s well done War of the Worlds

• Maryland is officially a part of the south as Gladys Knight and Ron Winans’s Chicken & Waffles opens up shop Largo [via Daddy ThighMaster]

• Even Pinder loves looking at her boobs

• Eddie Furlong, waiting to exhale [via Hattan Girl]

• The NeverEnding Story‘s Childlike Empress grew up. I wonder if she makes her lovers call her name?

• Gay is the new cereal

• A T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so he wouldn’t have to put the boy in the game. [via Not Too Shabby]

• Cover Art Recipes #7

• What?

• ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com [via My Man Marv]

• In the ‘How Did I Not Find This Myself’ category: Pictures of famous men with moustaches [via Van Mega Man]

• The Greatest Letter Ever Written to an Airline

• 72% of Welsh men want to make love to Charlotte Church in a car. I juss wanna welch off of her trillions, pour Welch’s Grape Juice all over her plumbolicious body, and read her passages from Lisa Whelchel’s pseudo-blog.

[via Q mag article]
AND THIS JUST IN: Police find body near Charlotte Church!!! No word if grape juice was involved or not!!

• Usual Suspects 2, with Lex Luthor AND the Apt Pupil attached?!?!?!?! Wowie zowie!!!! If they need help with the script, I’m loaded with ideas…. like: Keyser Soze, now a huge rock star in the band the Kaiser Chiefs, is up to his old tricks when he tries to steal Kaiser Wilhelm’s kaiser roll from the Kaiser Permanente HQ. But the trynamic trio of Chazz Palminteri, Giancarlo Esposito, and Dan Hedaya are once again hot on his trail. They eventually mcnabb him, riding a talking giraffe, and interrogate him for days back at their brand new precinct building. All the while, Keyser, with walls of fresh material at his disposal, tells them some fish tales consisting of made up people, places, and thangs. He asks the threesome if he can take a dump. They oblige. He then jumps into the toilet headfirst, Ewan Mc/Trainspotting style, and escapes. Cut, print, edit, market, market some more, let blogs hype it beyond watchable, still have a huge opening weekend, greenlight third movie with Seann William Scott and that Kumar dude taking over the Spacey and Palminteri roles respectively, still a solid opening weekend, I jump out window only to have my dead body cast in Usual Suspects 4.

• I’ve had it. I have it up to here. You can’t see here, but lemme tell you, IT’S UP THERE. Not as up there as say, The Air Up There, but it’s up there. And the reason for my up here/there/and everywhere? The Frat Pack. Should be redubbed, The Usual Suspects of Suspect Movies. Please, all you swell guys take 3 years off from making movies. The eggception is Vince Vaughn who should star in every drama he possib-bly can and make people realize that he’s not only one of the mos unfunny people in the known universe, but also the brat-wurstest actor since DJ from TV’s Roseanne!! [via Sceneflazzum]

• FORKelsticks and 3/4!!! Mischa Mischka Barfon’s return to the banging block fell a couple o days too late!!! Why? Although you all hate on her and you know who you is, she love hactually came this close to becoming your new Queen Mum-bles. I shit you not spit you snot. [via SunnyListern]

• While bad is happening to Brad Pitt, lettuce look at the good: not knowing who Lindsay Lohag the Wurstest The I was

• The vid for Gorillaz’esz ‘Dare’ [via Poophead]

• 50 Shekel sells out his Judaism for Jesus, by way of Mel’s The Passions The Of The Christ The!?!?! [via Jewcy]

• The first thing to come out of England in years that will totally suck donkey kong’s bong water

• Without Jane Fonda and her Al Gore like claims, I currently would be unemployed.

• One reason to see the Texas Chainsaw prequel

• American Movie Classics Craptastics

• Here’s a hot 2 for 1 coupon for some Wagamama’s. Too bad that in order to use it, you have to get yer arse to Amsterdamage by the end of the month…. although that isn’t the wurst idea I’ve heard. The heartache never ends folks. As they celebrate the almost-opening of their 50th house of ramen-awesomeness, I wait in vain and for the 2/3 train for any news of a cross-Atlantic invasion of our shores (don’t worry, cause we’ll know the minute it happens as I have one of my top men, Sio Bibby, on ‘invasion’ alert). Alas, as my hourglass reads half empty, I’ll keep dreaming of a day where the UK cities of Birmingham and Brighton share something else in common with their American city counterparts (Birmingham, AL and Brighton Beach, Brooklyn) besides juss a name. And while I’m out to lunch, the rest of yas, email em and beg on my behalf.

• Rachel Cole [keep clickin next for NSFWness], either a sluttier UK version of Courtney Thorne-Smith or a less sluttier UK version of Tara Reid [duhvs course NSFW]. You decide!!

• Schtickers, a schtick that will wear thinner than a Lance Armstrong yellow testicle bracelet around Lohag’s gaunt waist/waste line.

• Headphone Fetish [via Double XVI]

• We do not endorse or recognize whatever Thighpaulsandra is. [via Lynn V]

• Bid on Freddie Mercury’s Volvo CareLine Card [via BayRaider]

• And oh, before I take off, I wanted to tell you ‘alls some great news!! Maria will join Roger Federer as official spokespersons and cover athletes for the Top Spin game for Gaystation 2! I heard they were close to putting Lindsay Davenport on the cover, but they reconsidered when they realized she blows and also that Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова was recently crowned Her Royal Thighness the III. My Siberian sexpot had this to say, ‘Now, everyone gets a shot to play against me – but look out, I’m bringing my ‘A’ game in Top Spin!‘. So while she’s beating your ass on grass/parent’s basement cause your too busy czeching out her digital приклад/derrière, we’ll be pouring vodka all ourselves and digitally penetrating our collective orificeseses until Red Dawn.

• So what does Lohag The Wurstest The I do as a follow-up act after getting dumped on her no-longer frumpy fanny by the King of Kings, me? Oh, you know, take her daily skankbot meds, gets into talks about bastardizing Swiss Family Robinson and even lets Robbie Altman, aka the Crypt Keeper, grope the back of her thigh!! Well you can keep her Cpt Boring of 2 and 1/2 Hour Movies cause I’m more over her than I am of Jay Mohr doing Roger Moore impersonations!!! And I have more important things to do these days then berate and hate on her, like taking off my borscht belt, whipping out my balalaika, and having Maria Sherry-povich keep my comrade warm. Damn son, I really don’t know how lucky I is, cause I’m back to my roots, I’m back in the USSR. Btw, me and the new Mrs are thinking of reviving Rasputin from the dead so Dakota has someone to play with!

• Happy 40th belated B-day to the Slurpee, and congrats to the city of Winnipeg for being devoid of everything, cept holding the distinguished honor of Slurpee Capital of the World!! But ENUFFFFF with all this 7-11 talk comin from my finger banging tips!! Nows I wanna give some qwik, yet much needed, props de leon to the far superior frozen (non-alcoholic) beverages that constantly filled my young pie-hole: the Slush Puppie and the Icee. NOT EVEN A CONTEST SLEVEN!!! But I guess the BMOFD (Big Man of Frozen Drinks) had the last laff as the places I had to go to get said drinks, High’s for my SPs and Woolworth’s for Is, are either nearly extinct or have peaced the fork out. Howeski, our story has a some what happy ending. During a college break, I worked at a country club’s snack bar and Lohan and behold, they had a Slush Puppie machine. It was probably the best summer romance I’ve ever had. I mean, we got friendly down in the sand!! So why not d-lode ‘‘Summer Nights‘.

• Borat spotted in and around NYC

• I’m sorry, but paying $30 to see the Arcade Fire and $35 for the Killers is just plain wrong. For that price, there would have to promise of live porking on stage [NSFW].

• TWS.org, the only place in America that gives a damn about this whole Charlotte Church/Shirley Bassey gassey mess. In today’s episode CC takes over for mum in the nasty werds category.

• Peaches & Pete would have scarier children than John Kerry and any of these guys.

• Where did the phrase “I’ve got dibs” come from?

• Sauerkraut Wrestling Proposed For Lawmakers [via Mr Poon]

• Moving Mannequins [via Monkey]

• And sadly, it looks like Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski will never live happily ever after cause Tiffani-Amber ‘Senior’ Thiessen had to go and get hitched!! Don’t worry Z-man, cause I bet her younger sister Nicki still sweats you!! In memory of this very sorrowful day, her wasted career and huge bazoombies (that appeared outta nowhere!), I shall post my mos flavorite snappage of Tiff, which coincidently was one of the 1st semi-nudie pics I ever d-loded off the internets… before it was even called the internets!! I know it’s a bit NSFW, but hey, so is this site so stop czeching it out at work, k?

Shame, shame, shame on you’alls and Lou Rawls. Did you honestly think for a stankonia moment that I’d let a woman who’s hair’s gross, Christain Bale Machinist rail thin, and a complete skankbot, rule our kingdumb? I’m even ashamed of the fact that I’m a top search result for ‘‘Lindsays Butt Paste‘… although being the #1 result for ‘cleveland cleavage‘ is kinda respectable, right? I picked Lohag when your backs were turned. Ha-ha, you fools! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Master of Thighs, when Her Royal Thighness crowning is on the line!! Good thing Snopes and the Museuem of Hoaxes didn’t read last week’s posts, cause they would’ve easily exposed this rue de ruse in about 5 heartbeats!! The past is the past and the butt paste is a thing of the past… although I have been looking to switch up brands as of late. So lets push thighs forward, whilst you d-lode The Streets’ ‘‘Lets Push Things Forward‘. And before I officially announce who the heir to the hempire is, I juss wanna note that Cuthbest, unlike Lohag, never did us wrong, cept when she wore that tunafish thong, and will always be welcomed back anythyme to the House of Thighs. Plus we both share joint custody of Jean-Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt, and she even agreed to pay for her dental bills! In choosing a woman worthy of the crownship I didn’t want to make any rush decisions… although she ended up being a Russian. Sure, I could have gone with a Albacauseofyou or Pinderlicious, but it was sign from heavens when I thighspotted my lady in waiting rubbing her thighs. And the rest is how I say, Game, Set, Snatch…

I present to you
The REAL Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd
Maria Yuryevna Sharapova
aka Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова

You may now kiss the Thighs

ON WIT DA POOS DEL LINKY…

• Visited the new 7-11 on 23rd and Park Ave. Brief reflections: shiz was the cleanest and smallest Sleven I’ve ever seen, Big-Bites were effin moneybagsmcgee, but had NO CHERRY SLURPEES on-tap??#!@?@#?#? Their license should be revoked!

• Knocked back a few with The BlogFather, and the rest of the Bloggeratti. Brief reflections: so effin best.

• ESPN.com stalked jinxed for life Cub fan, my Halloween costume of ’03, and the all-around mystery that is Steve Bartman. Brief reflections: it was about effin time.

• Ricky Gervais chats up about the pressure of topping The Office with his next effort Extras, which airs in the UK on July 21st (‘How do you beat six Baftas and two Golden Globes? That’s mental. That record’s safe.’), his New Romantic band Seona Dancing (‘We thought we were Tears for Fears.’), his family (‘The whole point of my family was taking the mickey out of the one sitting next to you. It was all a wind up.’), and about dreams come true (‘My ambition was always to get a joke on The Simpsons, and here I am at the read-through sitting next to Homer.’).

• Charlotte Church’s mum strikes back and un-classy Shirley Bassey. Don’t care? Then at least czech out a whole lotta snap-ples of C Church in a bikini.

• Another pointless Indy IV update

• Nancy O’Dell met her husband while waiting in line at an airport. I think I need to fly more often.

• Many a celebs have been deliverin’ Amazon.com packages as a part of their 10th annie-verse-airy celebration. Peep Don Cheadle dropping off a box, Howie Mandel taking time off his ‘busy schedule’, and Kournikova opening a box with a customer (I’d love to open and munch on Kournie’s box! [NSFW])

• Dustin Hoffman has bigger-man-tees than yours drooly! [sorta NSFW]

• The Photos They’d Rather Forget

• I’ve never been able to describe TWS.org site in words, but Dawn of Man did a pretty good job by sayings, ‘If you’re not impartial to a bit of Anthony Burgess-style linguistic butchering combined with Jim Careyesque zany mad adult behaviour, head on over to The Thighmaster.’

• Why didn’t JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com get bigger than Jesus?

• (not) My Collection of Vintage Cigarette Lighters

• Geek Tattoos [via Dr Falada]

• Mildly entertaining ’80s print ads

• CantFindOnGoogle.com [MetaFiler]

• And happy belated 50th b-day to my new dawg, Jimmy Smits/Bail Organa, and to my old dawg, who’s love taking bites outta crime, McGruff the Crime Dog, who just turned half of Jimmy’s age. Growing up, in an age of hella-lame famous dogs, McGruff was buff and more ruff than then the baddies in Tuff Turf. Ya see, me at McG go way back. One day, while I was a hyperactive student at College Gardens Elementary School, we took a field trip riding the newly extended Red Line on DC’s Metro for three whole stops!!! When we demetroed at our final destination, White Flint, McGruff was there to greet us, dole out hugs, and distribute free Redskins trading cards to us all. I’ll never forget what you did that day McGruff, for as long as I live. So in his great name why not send him a b-day card, or get yoself a fab tee, or sign up for some free trading cards (sadly not Redskins)?

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• Things are gettin a bit hectic like General Electric in the race for the soon to be vacant throne. Pinder’s been grabinin other chick’s boobs [sorta semi NSFW], Harley Quinn’s been transforminin into a real person, Mischa’s been wearinin less clothes than she has pounds, Albanski’s been crossinin her arms way too much, yuMM’s been cuddlinin with ma and dawgs, Padme’s been screaminin more than when she was preggers, Sharapova’s been fondleinin balls, and Cuthabovetherest has been launchinin a massive counter-offensive of over eggsposeher to win the hearts of the peoples and stay in power. I’ve never felt so wanted. Cept when I signed up for Columbia House six times over, never paid em a dime (just that one tapped penny), and their collector’s were following me around the globe from Ocean City, NJ, to Ocean City, MD. When will the madness end in my house? And when will I hear Madness’ ‘Our House’ [d-lode] on my shores? Oh yeah, probably this fall.

• Lindsay Lohag’s taste in music is 55% gag me with a spork, 33% rad, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

• Bob Geldof dropped from his own event

• It (muss) Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold them Back… from releasing more albums with catchy names that no one will buy.

Cuthbert-Camilla flick, The Quiet, gets its world splurtmear at this year’s Torononototo Film Fest. I’ve already booked my flight and put an order in for 23 boxes of Kleenex and 12 bottles of Jergens.

• The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Lemme take a bite of the peach.

• Love Page Six, but don’t feel like registirrin in order to read it on the interwebs? Me too. So many spanks to PG6 for doing all the work for us. Please do not confuse this site with PerezHilton.com, formerly PageSixSixSix.blogspot.com, but not to be confused with PageSixSixSix.com, PaigeSix.blogspot.com, PageSix.blogspot.com, PageFive.blogspot.com, PageThree.blogspot.com, PageThree.com [NSFW], ESPN.com Page 3, or GI Joe hero Deep Six. [1st link via Ms Ism]

• Stella needs a new groove to get her old one back. While it may be awhile before her next ménage e trois, Stella can suck on some Artois.

• Despite Mischa’s hotness, monkey, and milk, no one wants to buy Keds.

• One thing that could possibly get me to watch the NBA: the 7-years too late debut of ex-Terpie Sarunas Yesamadcabbages

• Keira Knightley and a visibly upset man in a yellow polo

• AMC Theatres theythinks you’ll love Cinderella Man so dang much that they’re offering a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE. More info here.

• My new job is located in the gravyest of gravy area. Willem Dafoe walks down the street in peace, there are 5 places that vend baked carb yummies in my building alone, and the beloved highline lines the skies. I’ve never had the pleasure of exploring the high line, but that all will change very soon. Before they make it all neo-crazy-sexy-cool, I want to eggspearance it in its current dilapidated form. Thanks to Verbose Coma, this will be my guide.

• What Ken Jennings watches

• Mexican Stamp Called Offensive To Blacks [via The Real Jonah]

• Boffins Create Zombie Dogs. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. [via Red Hot Core-Vette]

• This may be a repost, BUTT… Today’s Front Pages

• Alex Feingold and his whoreibble taste in animated gifs

• York, PA, the ‘Factory Tour Capital of the World’! With 5 of these tours focusing on potato chip or pretzel manufacturing (Utz being #1 in both categories), they may want to change their motto to ‘Crumbiest Place On Earth’!