An Unfinished Life
Another Sweet One From Everyone’s Flavorite Swede
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Lasse Hallström is the master of making sweet movies that never come off being overly schmaltzy. He won us over time and thyme again with such tart lemonade as What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (Leo has never been better), The Cider House Rules (it does RULESzz), The Shipping News (highly underrated), and ABBA: The Movie (bet you 6 nickels you didn’t know he directed that). And L-diddy wins us over once again as he pours on the sugar without having to dilute it with water. What the snorks does that mean? I have no friggadero clue, but I’m trying to sound all cool like EW scribes Lisa Schwarzbaum and Owen Gleiberman. Life is one of those pictures were the characters start off being so distant from each other that by the end, you know everyone will see past their differences and make everything aiiiiight. Although highly predictable in that sense, it is no bother to the viewer cause the journey to the finish line is where the real meat lies. It doesn’t hurt that the journey has some of the best scenic views outside of an IMAX theater and two of Hollywurst’s best actors. Robbie Redford soars as an ole bitter crumedgeon (think a more dexterous Andy Rooney on a farm), who has never gotten over his son’s death, and his bear mangled right hand man Morgan Freebird, who chips in some solid work (is he ever bad?). Also on board for the ride is Redford’s unknown granddaughter (newcomer Becca Gardner), Mr blue-eyed nice guy sheriff (Josh Lucas, who usually makes me want to slit my eyes out), a caring diner owner (that fat chick from the Practice), and J-Lo as Redford’s be-loathed abused daughter-in-law. Wait, which actor in that list sticks out like a sore thumb? That’s right J-Lo, who doesn’t belong in a movie of this caliber. It’s not like she takes away from anything, but she mos def certainly doesn’t add to the ensemble. She juss doesn’t have the gravitas to make us believe that she’s anyone but J-Lo. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to buy it. I kept waiting for her to run into Ralph Fiennes who’d make her dreams come true and turn this into a real schmaltz fest. I can see it now, Maid In Cheyenne.
Recommended for those who like: Alberto Gonzales & Wolf Blizter’s tastes, Bob Ross paintings, and Bryant Reeves.
Possible Porno Name: An Unfinished Line From Yo Buttcrack To Yer ‘Gina
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Legends of the Fall
2046
The Moody Blues: Days Of Future Past
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Ever have that one true love slip thru your fingertips, never to return, and yer left trying to recapture that magic, with unfulfilling results for the rest of your days? Then you’ll easily empathizes with 2046‘s main protagonist, hack writer Chow Mo Wan (Tony Leung), although I bet you’d do a helluva lot more m-batin’. In this quasi-follow-up to Kar Wai Wong’s masterful In The Mood For Love, we find Chow trying his damndest to finally put his bout of unrequited love to rest. While living in a hotel next to room 2046 (GET IT!), he encounters numerous Asian hotties (I’d love to zig zag my jizz jag all over Ziyi Zhang and bonk my way with Faye Wong) with whom he embarks in various kinds of relationships. They don’t seem to help him get over the hump, although he does get to hump some of them. But what he does get from his experiences with them are literary fodder that he then employs into his science fiction novel about the year and place, 2046, where one can recapture lost memories. The problem is that once you get there, you can never return (welcome to ze Hotel California). Sounds a bit confusing? Well it is. This flick isn’t the most fluid one in a story sense, and raises more eyebrows than it lowers, but yer not likely to see another movie so beautiful and so visually stunning in theaters this year… or years to come for that splatter. If you want to see a real art house film, then this is yer golden ticket. If you want to shut off yer brain, Four Brothers can be found in any theater in a 5 block radius. There’s way more style than substance at play here, but does it really matter when the Asian bitties are so fine that they’ll make forget about yer lost loves and turn yer dong long duck?
Recommended for those who like: LG products, the NSFW anime porn The Pianist, and Asian mustaches
Possible Porno Name: 2046nine
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Code 46
The Brothers Grimm
Where’s The Brotherly Love?
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Poor Terry Gilliam. The man finally lands a budget to fit his scatterbrain imgination, but is forced to play ball with short leash holders the Brothers Weinstein. The result is an uneven flick that yearns to be commercial, yet can’t cause it’s filled with the usual gitty Gilliamisms. The main problem is that those two worlds can never co-exist. If Gilly reaches a mainstream audience, it’s a bleepin miracle. It’s still hard to believe that The Fisher King (41K) and 12 Monkeys (56K) were able to crossover in a country where people like to have everything spelled out for them. To help put people in the seats, Matt Damon and Heath Ledger both chip in admirable work as the storytelling huckster brothers who travel from town to town pretending to rid them of evil spirits. When the two are finally forced into an encounter with a real threat (children, like Lil Red Riding Hood and Gretel, disappearing in the woods) it’s more than their reputation that’s at stake. Sounds kinda like the situation Gilliam is in here in the director’s chair. The critics haven’t been kind to Grimm, but I guess they don’t like to have a lil bit o fun. It’s not even remotely an awful film, but a good film dying to be a great film. Even Scorsese has his off days, but his films are always worth the peepage. Then again, Gangs of New York almost made me ashamed to live in New York. Can’t we all juss live happily ever after? Yeah, maybe if Monica Bluecheese got herself all nekkid and stizz.
Recommended for those who like: Ents, Renaissance Festivals, and Murray Melvin in Barry Lyndon
Possible Porno Name: The Brothers Rimm Jobs
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead
Grizzly Man
Dr Dumblittle
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Everyone knows not to feed bears, hispecially if they’ve seen The Great Outdoors, but does everyone know not to chilly chill wit them? Well, after seeing Werner Herzog’s fascinating doc about one man’s (wacko Timothy Treadwell) obsession with bear life that eventually turns fatal, you’ll probably never want to be near a bear again, let alone the Alaskan wilderness. Since yer clued in early on about TT’s fate, you sit and wonder why a man would risk his life summer after summer just to be around a sleuth of bears. You have so much time to wonder that yer mind starts focusing in on other topics like what’s the deal with his voice and why is he sporting a Prince Valiant haircut? His friends and family paint a pretty good portrait of this misguided man with a heart of honey, but no one does a better job than the man himself, who left behind a wealth of self-videotaped monologues from his time in the last frontier state. I bet if he ever met the blue fairy, he’d wish he could turn himself into Christopher Robin, and pal around with Winnie the Pooh all day long in Hundred Acre Woods. Sadly for TT, nice bears like Winnie aren’t real (sorry folks). They also don’t care if you like them or want to help them cause they look at you they way we look at a cow… unless of course yer Indian… not to be confused with dem Native American Indians, who I’m sure love milk, flank steaks, and Polly-O String Cheese.
Recommended for those who like: Kodiak snuff, Woody Boyd, and the Great Alaskan Shootout
Possible Porno Name: Grizzly Man Tits
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Fox And The Hound
Sequins
aka Snooooozequins
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What happens in this movie? Well, some pregnant French chick who works at a grocery store is hiding the fact that she’s preggers. Why? I have no forking clue. Maybe cause she’s a lame-o who doesn’t want to bring a baby into a world where she’s a lame-o. Anywho, she’s pretty good at sewing shit, so guess what do she does? She quits her job at the store to work for a seamstress, who’s son had died cause WE DON’T CARE WHY! OH SNAP!!! Somehow working for this lady and sewing shit changes her mind about her baby and then Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. To recap, this is what happened: Absoposospazotively NADA. This is probably the most pointless movie I have ever not paid to see. The people who paid for it (my rents) disagree with me. However, they could not come up with a good enuff eggsplanation as to why it was good, besides having nice cinematography. If this movie were in English it would have aired in the 80s as an afternoon TV special. Someone contact Homeland Security cause the real terrorists are the people who sneaked this boring garbage into our country.
Recommended for those who like: watching wet paint dry, being the thimble in Monopoly, and the redhead from tATu, in her frumpy days
Possible Porno Name: Sequins: Small Shiny Ornamental Dicks
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Morvern Callar
08. Sep, 2005 
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