Thighs Wide Shut

Is it juss me, or is it hapsolutley recockulous that we set a side one day each year to celebrate the talents of movie director/writer Chris Columbus? Don’t spank me wrong, the man has warrick dunn some good in the past, but from the early 90s on, he’s been more worthy of crucifixion, than adulation for screen fiction. The first 2 Harry Potters? Poo/boo/snoozefests to the Zth degree. Bicentennial Man? Could there be a worser call than having Robin Williams play a robot gayer than all the gay robots combined? The list doesn’t really go on and on, but I’m not really jumping and jazzing all over meself for his next joints, like the one named after a Pavement album or this one, which has the schmaltzyiest plotline, described as a, “about a temperamental head coach who ends up adopting a kid. By becoming a father, he learns to be a better man and a better coach and he takes his team to the Super Bowl.” Dear Gov-mint. Please repeal this holiday and instead bestow the honor of a day off of work for a more worthy director, say, Savage Steve Holland, of Better of Dead, One Crazy Summer, and Shasta McNasty fame. Howevs, if you peeps MUSS revel in all thing C Columbus, may I recommend you spend this day with some of his finest works like…

• There is something seriously wrong with Brooke Shields’ mother. I can’t fathom how anyone would ever let their 12-year old daughter star in Pretty Baby, the controversial Louis Malle flick about a daughter of a brothel prostitute who has her virginity sold to the highest bidder, and later marries a man maybe 3 times her age. That may not sound so bad, but B Shields’ prepubescent assets are fully on display numerous times. YIIIIIIIIIIIKES!!! I felt so dirty watching it that I had to shower 17 times afterwerds. [NSFW proof, for you dirty dirty p-philes]

• Amy Ruth’s on 116th St has the mos bestest southern/soul food that one can find in Manhattan. Do yerself, but not yer arteries, a favor and get yer fried chicken smothered in gravy, next to a giant waffle loaded with cinnamon, ‘nanas, and pecans. The title heart attack hotness was previously held by Miss Mamie’s Spoonbread Too. Next on the list, Sylvia’s. [CityShirt]

• The Redskins may not be going 16-0, but will probably finish 15-1. OK, that may be a bet far-fetched, but they are actually a legit squad [WaPo]

• tATu may be faux lezzies (and faux tanners), but faux lezzies, are still better than no lezzies at all [Spencer 4 Mire]

• My mom may be the world’s biggest Hedwig & The Angry Inch fan. So much so, that her and pa came up this past Saturday to see mastermind John Cameron Mitchell introduce the film for all of 5 minutes at the MOMA. Bless you momoosky. And for that lets spread the love. [d-lode the bestest song ‘Wig In A Box’, or the Pirate version]

• Trainspotting helped Sinbad O’Connor realize that hard drugs and babies climbing on the ceiling are not good things [IOL]

• Earnest Byner exercising makes a good animated gif [Speed Fit]

• William Fichtner and his 4 by forehead looking fabulous in What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

• Tennis scoring is rooted in medieval numerology [Straight Dizzle]

• There’s a chance none of us have to pay to see Keira ‘I beat off to you’ Knightley in Pride & Snoozefest [EW free screening]

and although Elisha still may be the Cuthbestiest ’round

frynally, some news of the utz mos importance…

• By the gay 2, Boof from Teen Wolf is in no way related to Shia or anyone else of the LaBeouf Tang Clan

• Janet Jackson. NSFW. Non-Super Bowl related. Sorta hactually beatoffable, unlike these sweet talian hams. Click now.

• On Dec 1st, The White Stripes will boldly go where no band has performed before: The Daily Show wit Jon Stewart. Maybe they’ll do something special like wear orange and purple… or talk about their upcoming Michel Gondry directed video featuring Conan O’Best (?)

• Belated but, no more $40 a lay for the former Ms Ray

• Somehow Brett Ratner will fuck this up

• Did you know that Monks Diner in Seinfeld is the same place as Tom’s Diner in Suzanne Vega’s world? [via the Vega]

• The Flash 6-Disc DVD Box Set be coming in early ’06. Don’t all pre-order it at once or the world’s computers may all implode. [via Pakula Shaker]

• Field Day founder/perennial loser, Andrew Dreskin finally succeeded at something… even if that something is really nothing important

• Soccer Wives and Girlfriends [via Double V]

• I swear that I had nothing to do with these Hasselhoff photoshoppings from hell

• Siberian City Raises Concert Costs for Gay Performers… click for the story, but stay for picture

• How does scratch and sniff work?

• What’s up with the “Acme Company”?/Why Wile E. Coyote Will Never Catch The Road Runner

• The Top Ten Classic Arcade Game Songs

• What Is 88mph? + oldie What Is Cosby? [beware the AUDIO]

• Ukulele Disco

• Textbook examples of Moustaches, Chin & Cheek Beards, and good ole Full Beards

• Loved you some alternative Shining trailer? Then you’ll surely love you some zombie West Side Story, and maybe this Titanic one, which would have been a better way to market that POOPfest. Looks like these 3 were all created by the creative folks at PS260

• And while one Charlotte Church got her shoes jacked, another CC got sentenced to the big house for 21 years for likey-ing kiddie porn. What does this have to do with the price of eggs? I dunno, but she kinda looks like Melinda Clarke/Atia in this snap, and I since need me to gets my swerve on with dem following curves on, she hath saved herself from the chopping blocks. The same can’t be said of Annie Boleyn, who had to go cause she had six fingers and like ZERO boobage!

Spank the lord
and Barry Diller
cause
JEEVES
of AskJeeves.lame fame
is more done than the Green Bay Packers

1997 – 2005

• Note to HBO: I love nipples, but PLEASE stop showing Niobe‘s EVERY week during in the ‘Previously on Rome‘ bit. And the nips in question aren’t even actress Indira Varma’s. Peep the NSFWness and decide for yoself

• Spike Lee + Ali G = one reason to watch anything NBA-related

• Someone was married to Kathy Griffin?

• I thought only Disney did direct-to-DVD crappy sequels? Although I am intrigued at the prospect of 16 Seconds, the sequel to Luke Perry’s 8 Seconds

• Best of luck to Phil Olsen, the self-appointed captain of Team USA, who’ll be gettin very hairy this weekend at The World Beard and Moustache Championships

Related: Whiskers of Note Conceal Man of Note

• Hopefully Boondock II: All Saints Day will beget Overnight II: Even More of a Jackass

• Alexa Vega, not so little and big anymore

• Tickets for the Gorillaz’ 5 night Manchester shabang a lang go on sale Monday thru UK’s Ticketbastard [via XFM]

• Free screenings galore for Domino AND The Fog

• Sri Lanka’s election chief has voted since 1963

• Top Ten Female Streakers [NSFWness via Double Vikes]

• Christian Mime Ministry [via MoH]

• And I don’t care if they are married or not, cause this is STILL one of the most uncomfortable pictures ever…

Since being exiled to Thighberia, it’s been nuttin but downhillness for HFormerRTness the IIIrd. First she locked herself within the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant and started playing Risk (Parker Bros stizz) with herself for 17 straight days. That might sound like a good stress reliever for a person who juss got dumped on one’s ass, but she refused to conquer any other territories besides Kamchatka, Yakutsk, and of course, her beloveded Irkutsk. When she tired of that she proceeded to watch Robin Williams bang two chicks [both NSFW] in the pseudo prequel to The Terminal, Moscow on the Hudson (which is still 91% fresh!), frame-by-frame on her 1999 Divx DVD player. After 48 hours, the machine asked her if she wanted to cough up $3.25 (92.547 Roubles) to unlock the Divx disc for another 2 days, but she was a lil short on cash since she withdrew from the China Open and thus had to figure out a new way to entertain herself. With not many options at her finger banging tips, she embarked on a massive love making fest with each of her Simpsons matryoshka (Russian nesting dolls). You poor thang, with your poon tang. Tssk, tssk, tssk, from Chicken Kiev to Irkutsk. But don’t be red scared babe, cause the Coen Bros and I have come up with a grand idea to help save your career. I give to you…

• Another week of NFL fooball and the Skins are STILL undefeated!! The same can’t be said of my three fantasy teams, although Brian Westbrook is the new Michael Westbrook, which really isn’t saying much, but they do have the same last name, but neither of them have big bobs like Danniella Westbrook

• Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G/Borat/Bruno for u idjiots) invaded NASA, and now believes he’s being watched by the CIA. If dat’s tru, he better cease and desist from wearning juss one red shoe!

• Con-caps-ulations to homewtown hero, and dear family friend, Jeff Halpern for being named the 12th ever Capitals captain in franchise history!! Hope to see you during Rosh Hashanah, where many things are horny and blown.

• By the looks of these snaps, I’m gonna bet that Senor Spielbergo’s Munich is going to be the best eurotrash porn movie of the winter! But don’t be confused when they release it in theaters under the name München Box

• I guess 60 Minutes wants to appeal to a younger audience by replacing George Hamil-tanned Mike Wallace’s mug with hoop earring gangsta Ed Bradley as the first face of the show. Howevski, if they want to appeal to anyone in general, they should throw Dan Rather in the Hudson with all copies of Moscow on the Hudson, before Moscow on the Hudsucker Proxy gets released. Btw, how purrfect of a world is it that Andy Rooney and Kurt Vonnegut are friends?

• Why donate money to a hurricane relief fund when you can spend it more wisely on a DVD consisting of Body Count’s (Ice T’s rock n’ rap ‘Cop Killer’ crew) performance at San Bernardino’s Smoke Out Festival in 2003?!

• Losers unite for VIDEO GAMES LIVE, a full concert orchestra performing the music of Halo, Mario, Zelda, Tron, and yes, even Everquest II, whatever the funkdoobiest that is.

• And peace le Geordi LaForge out to Bond, Tommy Bond, aka Lil Rascal Tommy/Butch, aka the first live-action Jimmy Olsen….

“Jimmy Olsen’s Blues (Live)”
by the Spin Doctors
[d-lode]

But why Charly Church? First off, it’s what my mos trusted confidant/super-genius, Mike Brown, told me to do. And honestly, do u need reely need more harry reasonering than the hotness of the past month? Aiiiight… How bout the fact that she’s a pill poppin pop star (who probably loves Pop Tarts), smokes (anything, probably plenty of cak), and supposedly once asked a former lover who was eating strawberry ice cream in bed if he could ‘spread it on me and lick it off?‘ [source] Plus, my plus-size rubenesque bubbly baby cakes won’t quit showing off her sassafrassy ASSets until she’s turned into Martha ‘Dumptruck’ Dunnstock [source]. I’ll have to cut her some slack for favoring Oasis over Blur, but give her a lil bit o credit for never hearing of Bloc Party… considering they’re probably the most overrated band behind STYX [source]. And lettuce be honest, there’s more news to ooze over about her than there is about that lost chick in Aruba… who may or may not appear on this season of Lost. Did I mention that she loves it when I call her name?

• Only 15 more to go

• What’s a more unlikely move in the world of Sting: reuniting with the Police, replacing tantric with a bunch of quickies, or playing bass on t.A.T.u.’s sure to be a hit single ‘Friend or Foe’? Maybe the un-hyperlinked werds can help u out on that last one.

• Aint It Drool News give some sirprizing props to HRT the II’s acting chops in the upcoming The Quiet, which also co-stars future HRT C Belle. [via Dr Falada]

• Discovery Channel’s doc about Flight 93, The Flight That Fought Back, was not as hokey and cheesed out as you would think… considering it’s narrated by Kiefer Sutherland and uses Unsolved Mysteries type reenactments. Catch it if u can-i-bus.

• How Cosby Got his Flizzle Flazzal Back. Somewhere, he and the Peabs are banging 12-year-old Thai hookers

• Note to self: don’t even go away on vacay when phat and rare Cliff Engle sweaters are on the line!!!

• Remember DIC’s 1st ever cartoon The Littles? Didn’t think u would, but I certainly duche… hispecially since I had a thing for lil Lucy Little, that killer new wave theme song, and that one little dude who looked like the gyro pilot dude from Mad Max.

• Ebert, we need to talk, cause I still don’t understand how you could consider Errol Morris’ semi-amusing doc about pet cemeteries to be one of the ten best films ever made!?! Why not throw yer adoration towards a movie that was so fargin good that they had to make an urban Nick Cannon version 17 YEARS AFTER THE FACT. The movie in which I spank of is called Can’t Buy Me Love. And yes, after all these years, it still holds up as one of the mos perfect teen movies of balls thyme. Every damn re-screenage that I partake in always ends in me gettin played misty on as our unthinkable couple of Ronald ‘From Geek to Chic’ Miller and Cindy Mancini ride off into the ‘Zona sunset on a lawnmower. And the rest of the cast is more memorable than that of Platoon. Snot only was TINY wide-eyed Seth Green thrownin down, but so was an uncredited Paula Abdul as a dancer, and Mr Rico Suave himself, Gerardo, gettin all rich and smoothe with the in crowd. And lest we ferget about the other strong support playas like that huge farting dude who was also in Starship Troopers and Major League III, that dude who had his house ‘shit on’ (‘hit on’ in the TV version), that chick that has apparently gone onto some NSFW hotness, that cockmuffin who was such a cockmuffin, that totatlly 80s chick with that hair and things, that chick who was all flexible and stuff (i guess), and of course, that dude, who was that dude (sorry, couldn’t find link for all the dudes and chicks that I wanted to highlight). While many may wonder what hath become of deep-voiced hottie and lead actress Amanda Peterson, I six feet wonder more about that one girl who had about 2 lines, juss so happens to be a Monkees heir, and got outta control on Tony Danza’s watch: Ami Dolenz. She had such endless hotness potential, and a smile that seemed like it would last a 1,000 years, plus she was so mad SMOKIN hot and so mad into smoking, but alas, and agas-si, her career floundered more than Kent ‘Flounder’ Dorfman‘s. If yer reading this, please contact me and we’ll finger something out so we can get u back to where you belong: sitting on my face.