Thighs Wide Shut

ABC is planning to take a dump on its bestest show, YES, I’m talking about INVASION and not Lost (or Fencing With The Stars either!), juss so Orlando Jones can mix things up with Oscar-winning actor Martin Landau. But don’t fret kids, cause I doubt we’ll ever see the werds ‘Oscar’ and ‘Orlando Jones’ in the same sentence again. WHY GAWD WHY!>!~@#>!@#!@ Where’s the david justice? Is it cause Evan Peters is the new Brock Peters or looks like Jack White Jr? Or the audience consists of me and my tall semitic roomie?? Sio, prepare the corntroopers and head to ABC’s HQ. For this can mean only ONE thing…

Spanks ‘tastic, cause I really need that $10.50 to purchase a grundle hair clipper [NSFW that you should click on even if yer work isn’t safe for things that are not safe for work!]

Wanna know who to bet on in any major sporting event? Be sure to czech in with Bandwagon Boy, the day AFTER

Goonies 2 R’nt good enuff

All work and no play makes HFutureRT Camilla Belle scared shi(r)tless

Stalking Samaire Armstrong at Kinko’s

The Jizzfeld (aka the Ziegfeld) be takin a month of from showing crap to bring the screen’s biggest and brightest back to the biggest and brightest screen, like The Jones trilogy, LOTR, some gay musicals, + MO! [via Tom Wellington, the world’s greatest living actor & AOoF]

Streaking of the Jizzfeld, here’s yer gran’pa-pa’s beat-off matz [SFW]

Phrase that should never hever appear in print hever never hagain: ‘fingering Aaron Neville‘

Hopefully this means he’s spending a wee bit more time on those dreadful Extras scripts

The wurstest Mexican wrestling movie starring Jack Black and directed by the man who brought you Napoleon Dynamite has gots to be Nacho Libre. Thats good news for The Neverending Story III, although it has nothing to do with Jared Hess or Mexican wrestling

Learning never ends: the voice at the beginning of Us3’s ‘Cantaloop’ [d-lode] is that of midget maestro Pee Wee Marquette (think Gary Coleman of the 50s), former doorman turned MC of the famed Birdland, from Art Blakey’s A Night at Birdland, Vol. 1 [stream WMV file]

[snap via MoP]
The 2006 U.S. Olympic Team Roster, By State. Who knew that Mini-soda was like the center of the universe for American curling?

Biggest Super Bowl Disappointment: Joe Namath did not attempt to hump Suzy Kolber’s leg like it was the ’03

Gheorghe Muresan still haunts the DC haunts

SPiN’s Hottest Significant Other Tournament: Foxy Four

The internets best kept mp3 blazzle secret: Puritan Blister. Doesn’t hurt that I’m a zucker for mash-potato-ups. And thanks to the PB, I’m totally thighing out on my thIghpod to ‘Smells Like Oh My Gosh’ Nirvana vs Basement Jaxx [d-lode]

So den, how do songs get stuck in your head?

How do astronauts go to the bathroom in space? Goo thing freeze-dried ice cream doesn’t give one the runs

X-Entertainment’s Freezer, which aint as Freezy as Freakies

The Mohammed & Christ cartoon that will soon spark the burning and looting of Canadian embassies all up in the Middle East

Not as in-depth as the Borat entry, but czech out Wikipedia’s bit on You’re The Man Now Dog, if yer a man OR dog, man! [via Wananmaker]

Before you DARE enter our ultraFAB Oscar Pool (group name: House of Wax Dat Ass password: neckbeard, $10 to rule them all), you may wanna get a leg up on the competition by peeping the live-action and animated shorts, but only if yer an LAer or an NYer

So that’s what you call that

Eyebrow-Raising Tattoos

Thank you for not pot smoking

Park Slope 2009 according to Freejack… wonder if La Bagel Delight survives?

Japanese Spiderman

Brille-YANT commercial [MaybeNSFW via Fleaski]

And this just in: SIDE BOOBS still RULE!!

Pee ess – don’t forget to look at yesterday’s corn masterpoops and get yer effin VOTE on or DIE, like Puffdido’s career

Nanny McPhee
Phee Your Mind & Your Ass Will Follow
View Trailer

I may hate the cartoons (and the carpoons) and the movies with the clay (and westerns, and the cartoon claymated western triple lindy combos), but I’m a sucker for any other kinda kid movie that is kinda DARK in tone AND hasn’t been farted outta Disney’s arse, although I still kinda wanna see Disney’s The Kid only cause Mortimer’s in it!!! Harry Pothead, LOVES IT!! Narnia, not so dark, but LION IS JESUS AND JESUS IS LORD, or something!! Lemony’s Snizzle, in Emily Browning we still thrust (and where’s the effin mcmuffin sequel, yo?)!!! The list doesn’t go on and on, but all those mentioned kinda sorta maybe sorta kinda has one thing in commons: theys kinda sorta look like Tim Burton movies (and that’s a good thing): Potter = Sleepy Hollow, Narnia = JESUS IS LION!!!, Lemony = Edward Scissorhands, and our latest deli-icious DARKishish kish kash kids flick, Nanny = Big Fish. This theory hasn’t been proven, but Good Will Hunting fingered it out on a chalkboard and now he’s banging Minnie Driver and curing Mork’s ills and liking DEM apples, YO! But enuff about algebra and the Pythagorean Theron and why my johnson is so large!!! Nanny McPhee is, in a word, fun. Not some grandiose, highfalutin grizzle-grazzle shrimping expedition, but an enjoyable lil thing you can enjoy with your child, the kid you kidnapped, or with yourself, hispecially if yer a freakazoid like me who loves child actors (add Sam Honywood to that list) but not in the way that yer thinking, but every time I mention loving child actors, the FBI, CIA, the Kremlin, the Mossad, Hamas, Hummus, and the Tsatziki squad all spy on me and put things in my food that make me sleepy and make me admit things like how I once made love to a cheeseburger!! Annnnnnnnnnnnywho, if you love Emma Thompson looking like something I eggstracted from my dingleberries last week, the REAL Mr Darcy, Renton’s fuck buddy [NSFW], Vera Drake looking like Wendy of Wendy’s fame, THAT hella-dorable kid from Love Hactually, and Jessica FORKIN Fletcher, then I bet you’ll do a bit more than crack a smile at this lil delightful trifle of a truffle shuffle shovel my Hope Sandoval!!! Hollywurst, make more dark kiddie fare that isn’t cartoon or clay or my future Thighlings will never see anything until they’re PG-13.

Possible Porno Name: Poo-Nanny For Free

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mary Poppins

Further Fun: Nanny McP has warts, and in her honor, here be the mos memorable wart dialog eggschange of balls time…

Anita: I’m Anita Hoargarth.

Uncle Buck Russell: [staring at Anita’s wart] I’m Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell’s wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I’m… I’m the wart. She’s my tumor. My… my growth. My… uh, my pimple. I’m Uncle Wart. Just old Buck “Wart” Russell. That’s what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They’ll call me that. “Melanoma Head’s coming.” I’m s… uncle! Maisy Russell’s uncle!

Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Meta Physically Draining
View Trailer

I’m all for films that break the 4th wall, and dig deep into self-referential land, but it doesn’t always work. Remember Nederbergh’s Full Frontal? Of course you do, I mentioned it yesterday and that was like taking a dump on yourself and the only napkin you have is Brian Pepper‘s tongue!! DR POOPERS!!! While Cock & Bull, the story about the filming of a story that’s un-filmable, doesn’t sink that low, since it was bovioulsy well thought out and enlisted the franztastic talents of a who’s who of modern British actoristocracy, but to me it juss didn’t register. The jokes kinda fall flat, and unfortch this time, the British charm couldn’t make up for it. Think of Cock as 5th rate Adaptation and you’ll starting to understanding what I’m spraying. Or better yet, it plays out more like a lackluster episode of Ricky Gervais’ Extras (oh wait, they were ALL lackluster), which also happened to co-star Ashley Jensen. But maybe I’m wrong, as I’m often not, but other peeoples in the theater were cracking up. Meethinks they either get laid too much or think Wedding Crashers is the new European Vacation, and if anyone thinks that way, they should be hung by their grundle hair and beaten in public with boxes of generic cereal from Publix!!! And although I have more loathing than a loafer who’s wife was juss boned by a loaf of bread, I still gots mad love. Mad love for director Michael Winterbottom, who is kinda like a mini-Stanley Kubrick (not looks, but broad-range of genre tacklin… juss go and Netflix ANYTHING by him, or Kubrick for that deli matter!). Mad love for super best Steve Coogan, although Cock is the more of a Rob Brydon coming out party for us Yanks. And mad love for Shirley Henderson‘s voice, Ian Hart’s ears, Naomie Harris’ smile, and Jeremy Northam’s Jeremy Northam, who before this, seemed to have disappeared into Springfield’s Mystery Spot along with Ozzie Smith.

Possible Porno Name: Jizzum Candy: A Cock and Balls Story

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the film within a film mastereesespieces Day For Night

Further Fun: Read all 9 volumes of The Life and Opinions of Tristam Shandy, Gentleman, or take a peep at Playboy‘s centerfolds from 1953 to 2001… good luck finding the articles that are SFW

Oh yeah, wondering who the fork Elizabeth Berrington is? She was the preggers bird on the UK Office Christmas Special.

And oh yeah, before there was Knightley, there was Kelly MacDonald. K-Mac, I LOVES YOU SHLONG TIME!!! Please leave Dougie and work my crotch like Working Title does films!!

Until next time, eat a dick!

Bubble
Ocean’s 3
View Trailer

I was a bit weary of the thing that was Bubble, considering the last trip down no-budget lane for Steven Nederbergh resulted in the Cop & a 1/2 poop & a 1/2 fest known as Full Frontal, + it’s the first movie mt EVERest to be released simultaneously in theaters, on DVD, and cable (I watched it on HDNet), which could be beginning of the end of FUN in theaters as we know it!! But kids, this is, CANS DOWN, not only the finest movie of this young year (hispecially if yer a Chinaman), but Nederbergh’s Soderbergh’s best of his career!! Dr YEPPERS!!!! But peas take what I say with a grain of Willie Gault, considering I think every single thang he’s done is either highly overrated, overrated, or overrated, yet enjoyable (see: Erin Boobonovich). But seriously peepoles, this lil gem of a film filled with more non-actors than 41 years of Days of Our Lives is the kind of movie Nerdie should be making each time out, not My Celebrity Pals Zzzzzz: The Movie XIXVLMCXXI!! If I were Gawd, in which I am, I’d force Gus van Sant and Nederbergh to swap styles. Gus Gus would only make big budget fiascos (think bestness like his To Die For) and Nerdy Boy would only make lil artsy fartsy thangs like this!! Come to spunk of it, Bubble is a Gus van Sant movie, cept you don’t wanna slit your wrists after watching it waking up after the credits. KUDOS SODERLOSER!!!! You win me!! And so does the Guided by Bestness soundtrack, and a runtime of 73 minutes!! And after methinking about it for awhile, this whole release on every format at the same idear aint the wurstest idear I’ve heard that are idears!! That’s reserved for the naming of Planters’ testically snack!!! I mean, mos people live in shitty cities (read: anywhere outside of NYC, Rockville MD, and Huber Heights OH, America’s largest community of all brick homes) and don’t get a chance to see REAL movies when they’re released, or at ALL, and with this bidness model, people will and can and will wheaton dot net, and at the same time as cool people like myself, Mayor Bloomberg, Andy Rooney, and Joe Torreee!!! Now Mr Blogger Come Lately&alloverhimself living in the middle of nowhere can be the next Ebert or Mr Roper!!! How-eva, the same b-model shouldn’t apply to Michael Bayishtypesque films, unless we’re talkin’ Ocean’s 13, which shouldn’t been seen in theaters, but in the bottom of trashcans across America.

Possible Porno Name: Bubble Bath Boobies [NSFWness not to be confused with Bubble Bobble]

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix One Hour Photo, but NOT Death To Smoochy!

Further Fun: Visit the KFC where STAR Debbie Doebereiner once worked for 24 years and was discovered in the drive-thru window by the casting director. Editor’s snot: I even called to make sure that that was indeed the KFC she ate her weight/worked at!

Why We Fight
Military Industrial Not So Complex
View Trailer

Am I having déjà vu, or have I been beating off too long to Elizabeth Hasselbeck on The View, cause I’ve seen this movie before!! I think it was called, I watched CNN, read a newspaper, and aint haven’t been living in a deep hairy cave that smells like tunafish since 9/11. DAT’s RIGHT YO! Eggspcting some sorta revelation about how our gov-mint is pulling the wool over our thighs?? Well you aint gonna get it cause you already know that the bozos in power loves fake wars and guns and hate Jews and are about as trussworthy as a g-mint headed by ‘Zeus’ Tiny Lister!! Fahrenheit 9/11 may have been the biggest piece of shit/propaganda since any of Leni Riefenstahl‘s Nazi joints, but at least it was entertaining!! Why We Fight lacks focus, discipline [aud], and anything remote-lee groundbreaking!! The archival footage and the usual talking heads do juss fine, but then we get this side crap about a father of 9/11 victim and some dumb kid who joins the Army cause he’s dumb, and both go more nowhere than Nowhere Man driving round a cul-de-sac in a no outlet court!! Since we can’t put an end to this endless don ONslaught of comic book movies, I think we the people of the United States of NOOOOOOOO [d-lode] muss declare a jihad on left-wing documentaries that say nothing new and only preach to their choirs!!! And where the fork are all the right-winger docs? I guess its hard to get em into theaters when Jews control the media, eh?

Possible Porno Name: Why We Fist, starring Bill Frist

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the far lake/mother superior Fog of War

Further Fun: Viddy Frank Capra’s Why We Fight propaganda series
[1 – Prelude to War]
[2 – The Nazi Strike]
[3 – Divide and Conquer]
[4 – The Battle of Britain]
[5 – The Battle of Russia Part I | Part II]
[6 – The Battle of China]
[7 – War Comes to America]

BONE-US BUBBLE BURSTER BABY BUGGY BUMPER!

Huzzah to Misty Dawn Wilkins
for yesterday you were a nobody like Dominique Wilkins
then Nederbergh plucked you
and now you are a somebody
with a nice lil body
although you had the body when you were nobody
mr boddy?
peabody
peabs’ body [evs]?
huh?
lemme do the misty mountain hop on yer grand tetons
or play Misty for me, Misty
or be my Mister
or I’ll be Mr Mister Master
kinda like Maj. Major Major Major from Catch-22 – Turk 182 = Threepenis opera

huh-zzah?

I juss don’t know how to quit juice

Yep, Wimpy’s wet dream cum tru: the In ‘n’ Out 100×100 Burger [via Thinkerville]

Streaking of, me bee leaves Popeye is the only known comic strip to begat TWO fast food dump holes: Popeyes (snatchurally) & Wimpy. (three if you include this Boston Cantina named after Ms Oyl)

Peace the ford escort out to 60 Minutes & on-screen graphics pioneer Arthur Bloom, and to the band whom I thought would own the 00s, but never lived up to their thumcrdible potentialble, like Lunchables, after the release of the opus The Sophtware Slump, Grandaddy. A moment of silence, followed by listenage to G-dad’s ‘AM 180’ [decaf or live, via GVB], which for some reason always puts me in mood to ransack a grocery store with huggdorable British black chicks twenty-eight days after stuff happens!!

And war the spoon in to solo side projects by The REAL FF’s Matt Friedberger!! Not that I don’t love sistah Fried, but me hath always desired to hear more of yer voice, and since Eleanor can only sing, and put her boots back on [d-lode via AVC vs AVP], I didn’t think this desire would have hathed!!

Gorillaz live in concert, or whatever you call it (hopefully I’ll see it at Coachella)

Got a 11-14 yr-ld boy or a 10-12 yr-ld girl with dreams of becoming Noah Baumbach’s next Chicken or Pickle? Crick here for casting call infos for Mr Squid/Whale‘s next spliff

Her Future Royal Thighness, Camilla Belle, wants to hear from you, AOL-IM: Jill020306 | phone numba: 1-877-467-7674… juss don’t tell her that she smells like poo

How did Rick Moranis’ country career slide thru the eyes and ears of the Thighs Spies and their spears?

Stranger Than Fiction?

Math that would make a TI-81 hexplode into two, aka two TI-40.5s:

Anderson Cooper + Richard Kind = Bill Kristol
1, 2, 3, Look at Mr Lee. 3, 4, 5, Oscar night, look for his hand to jive! Maybe now his Hulk will get the ‘spect it deserves (sands 10 min finale with Notle as Electro-Pointless-Man)

‘Mr Lee’ by The Bobbettes [d-lode via Punio]

And its sequel (WHAT?) ‘I Shot Mr Lee’ by The Bobbettes [d-lode on JSpence]

Together at last, hispecially for you idjiots who had no idea that the two were related: Citizen Kane & the Stripes homage ‘The Union Forever’

Remember the Alamo, and Corgan on ECW

Look out Nuclear Bob, cause yer reign as overweight facial hair guy with the killer tees may be over: Bruce Vilanch T-Shirt Watch

Apple’s home pages along the years [via Modern Rager Against the Coke Machine]…

and still, their finest achievement is not the iPod, but the Lemonade Stand game [which u can find 4 d-lode here]

and while were taking a bite into/out of the dumbestist computer brand that isn’t a Wang, and who has only sir-vived today cause of those iPod things (I mean, they JUSS figured out the whole right mouse button bestness), here the ad that’s more IN-famous than El Guapo [aud], the 1984 Ridley Scottiefied Macintosh Super Bowl commercial

Redskins fans… being Redskins fans [vid via Gulf on Sonkin]

Janet Reno rox out, and so does lil Doorbeller [vids via JJ Muldoon’s/Mod Squad, again]

What’s so great about the Dewey Decimal System?

‘The Godamned Dutch’, one of the two mos popular songs sung at IU (?), as sung by John Frushour [wtf via Newcomeallovermyface]

Tis be so awful that I shouldn’t even dignify it with a linky poo, (dave) butttttz: Lazy Monday [vid via Lohanjealous]

Sometimes love of hate is better than hate of love: $225 for an XFL He Hate Me Jersey

Widow of Death In Benihana Shrimp Toss Faults Restaurant [via Brawny Man]

Splinter was a man, and Mrs Peacock too? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! [2nd one an aud]

And although the love below is usually reserved for bouncy babes from here and abroad (oh lord, how i love dem broads!), doing tres hot things like getting licked by another woman, like Ms Pinder (appy polly lodges for the kinda sorta NSFW)

Today I would like to dedicate and entrusting all my usual pent-up en-thrusting behind the single white female greatestiest video logo to ever come from 1978, the WGBH one. You know which one I speak of, right? Its gots that noise thing that goes brudaddadoodadoo dad dooo dododdevvabvjfwssa!! Na? Well, if you’ve ever seen anything on PBS thats either boring, or boring, or both than you’ve heard that duhvavavdoo doouvavddooo noise thing!!! If not, here’s a snap of it, a link to the vid, and the aud file for your mp3/mash-upping pleasure (maybe mixed with Pat O’Brien, Rosie O’Donnell, and Howard Dean in an aural threesome to end all threesomes and things aural). Free tote bags for some, minature American flags for all!!

[vid | aud]
Right? duooouvdvadvav dobbiedadeovraad doom!

Welcome To Yer 20s
¡Meesa Barfon!

Now stop looking like yer 30, and play more croquet!! And damn that FALKOR, for he stole our sunshine [d-lode]!!!

The 2006 Bloggies BOO-ies, starring many a boo bazzles + the underground goodness that is YCMIU, and doves course, not us!! Bitter much? M’yes, but not as bitter has dem herbs during Passover. Maybe it has sum tang to do wit being #11 search result for ‘PAINT YOUR TITS.COM’???

Speaking of people who search for things like that, gay bashers who love tits (and Larry David) can finally rejoice: NSFW clips of Anne Hathaway AND Michelle Williams in Gay Cowboys: THE MOVIE, on the internets/webs!!!

Kids In The Hall, like Tony! Toni! Tone!, are doing it again! [via CRAP!]

Apple are the new Nickelback, cept they don’t copy themselves [via Mod Squad]

It so sad that I was juss learning how to m-bate around the time that Willa Holland and Saaya Irie were born

More Holland cheese that isn’t edam or gouda: TV Guide int + Countdown Clock on DakotaCountDown.com??!!? I still can’t bee leave people are counting down to Dakota’s age of ripeness. She’s like everyone’s perfect kid sister, kinda like Lisa Simpson, cept a lot hottier

Sometimes I wish I had the foresight of Rosanne Cash

With Ladytron westward bound and gagged for the end of April, you can book em dano for Coachella

Droopy Dog‘s finally got himself some spank material!

Does the title of your book got twat it takes to be a bestseller? Lulu’s Titlescorer KNOWS ALL! So who wants to publish my memoirs?

I think RANDOM House would be a good fit, eh?

What, a Walkmen Walkman wouldn’ta’been hip enuff? What if we reserved a square for it on the Hipster Bingo card? [via Leafy Greens]

Top 65 Music Videos of 2005 [via Korean Grosser]

Kazakhstanis Against Borat

The one, the only, the IFOCE video montage

Vintage Vantage’s Top Shelf… what, there weren’t any fat people who wore cool threads in the 70s/80s? And me donts thinks $234 clams is too much to pay when Burger Chef memories are on the line!! Yes, BURGER CHEF [beware audio]!!!

Could possib-drew-bly be better than The Man

Go-Go Boots.com’s Photo Gallery

Celebs sing + ads rock!

Bidders beware of fake Cliff Engle sweaters, and fake dog poop. What ‘fake dog poop’?

Mozzy likes it!

I spit you not, but yesterday, a bum on the subway smelled eggzactly like a freshly opened bag of salt and vinegar chips

And to take the stink straight of outta yer mouth from this snapple of KK, HRT the V, givin us the sassy takin a dump face, Strut magazine has blessed us with this slut tazazine!!

Pee es- PHOTOSHOP ME!!! IN HISTORY, like with Charlemagne or Charles In Charge!!! Email ent-trees here!