Thighs Wide Shut

The Road to Guantanamo
Part Dramentary, Part Documama,
All Around Important Movie Rama Rama
Trailer
US Release Date – a limited one startin June 23rd
althoughs you can rent/own it NOW thru a UK site

Documamas rule! So does yer mother, but that’s another lay for another day. While somehow not totally as enthralling and leg breaking as the finest documama of this decade, Touching The Void, The Road to Guantanamo will still will pique yer interest, hispecially if yer a liberal media loving bastage like myself who aint no big fan of our country’s current terrorism policies and practices. Eye-openingly co-directed by my effin man Michael Winterbottom and not yet my effin man Mat Whitecross, Road recreates the real journey of three British Muslim friends who ended up in the mos def wrong place (Afghanistan) at the mos def wrong time (the beginning of the US’ war on the Taliban). After being picked up by a headhuntin hungry group of US soldiers, and not having any good reason for being where they were, they’re shipped off to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba for more mental and physical abuse than an evening at Joan Crawford’s. Btw, Guantanamo makes no sense at all to me. How is it possible that we have a military base on Cuba, a country we don’t even have any diplomatic ties to, besides probably any backlashin that may have occurred from Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. Look, I’m sick of seeing shaz about the war and terrorism and terrorists (unless it’s Cobra, duhvs course), and stoopid pointless movies like Jarhead, but if you should see this, and hate our gov’mint some (guantana) mo!

Recommended for those who like: borders without doctors, Afghanimation, and the improbable possibility of Ruhel Ahmed marrying Mercedes Ruehl and taking her last name to become Ruhel Ruehl

Possible Porno Name: The Road Into Laura San Giacomo‘s Crotch

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Midnight Express [trailer] or for mo thighs wide opening
Winterbottomness, ‘flix his franztastic In This World [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’ by Rockwell [d]

IMDb Sweeney: the Guantanamo scenes were filmed in our current Axis-of-Evil flavor of the month, Iran

Pumping Even Mo Irony: after returning from the Berlin Film Festival, two of the movie’s principle actors and the two actual people they portray were detained at a British airport

TFF Thighspotting: the lesser-known co-director Mat Whitecross, who hopefully was lucky enuff to do all the additional camera operation for the fucking scenes in MW’s 9 Songs [NSFW]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Follow My Voice: With the Music of Hedwig
Homophobes AND Homophones Need Not Apply
Trailer
US Release Date – will air on the Sundance Channel
July 27 at 9 p.m

If you’ve ever seen Hedwig, as a stage musical or in its cinematic form, you know the music kicks more (gl)ass than Remo Williams [vid]. And if yer a Wig-head, you probably already own the redonkelous tribute cover album, Wig In A Box, featuring the likes of Frank Black, Rufus Wainwright, Spoon, Robyn Hitchcock, Jonathan Richman, The Polyphonic Spree, Imperial Teen, Yoko Ono & Yo La Tengo, The Breeders, Bob Mould, Sleater-Kinney & Fred Schneider, They Might Be Giants, Cyndi Lauper & The Minus 5, the Bens (Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, & Ben Lee), and yes, even Stephen Colbert. And if you don’t know what I’s is talkin bout, u have a lotta effin catching up to do. Anywho, if you qualify as a Hed-head, yer gonna love this doc about the making of said tribute album that in turn dumps its proceeds on America’s very first LGBTQ school, The Hetrick-Martin Institute, aka the home of The Harvey Milk High School. But the making of is juss 1/2 the picture. The other 1/2 explores the inner workings of the school itself, as seen tru the eyes of a handful of students, with varied backgrounds and orientations. The only crying shames are that not many will see this fab doc, and not many will buy the CD. Only 75K has been raised so far. What up wit dat shit? I mean it’s all about the Benjamins, and the Bens! Wonder if Winona Ryder ever offered em a foursome?

Recommended for those who like: Hedwig & The Angry Inch, the music of Hedwig, and gay AND straight people who love Hedwig

Possible Porno Name: Swallow My Moist: Making Sweet Music While You Give Me Head Like Butch Vig

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the breastest/wurstet making of an album doc, Let It Be, which in this case, sadly co-stars Yoko Ono, and was directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg, who should never be confused with Wernham-Hogg

Apt MPupil3: ‘Pirate In A Box’ by Lemon Demon [d] and ‘Just Pretend’ by The Bens [d] or juss buy the dang CD and help make some gay kids even gayer than Gay-le Sayers

IMDb Sweeney: how could there be any Sweeney when there aint shee-at on the b of IMD?

TFF Thighspotting: three of the students featured in the feature, including model Mey Bun, who should not be confused with Messy Bun

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): It’s a doc, so how could it not be Breast In Show?

and here’s the .5
and I say .5
cause it’s not a new flick
but some old shiz

The River
Runs Through (sh)It

I’m all for viddying old classics on the big screen, but this 1951 Jean Renoir trifle is the kinda flaz u see on TCM and turn the channel after about 8 seconds. It’s such a snoozer that I actually took a well deserved 20 minute nap. I mean, c’mon, you try watching 10 movies in less than a week’s time and ruling the world’s thighs with an iron fisting!! The only thing worth uddering is that the lead girl, who’s suppose to be ugly, is really ugly (sorry, dats the only snap I could find). Both of my rents agreed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe they’ll remake this with Orlando Boo and Kate Snoozeworth and zzzzzzzz…

Recommended for those who like: x, y, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Possible Porno Name: not even mrs butterWORTH my time

Unsatisfied with this? Visit a better work by Renior, at DC’s Phillips Collection

Apt MPupil3: Wanna really put yoself to sleep? Listen to ‘River of Dreams’ by Billy Joel [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Hottie Adrienne Corri would later in appear in A Clockwork Orange as the writer’s wife who gets ultra-raped by the Droogies [NSFW]

TFF Thighspotting: Me thinks whilst nappin I dreamt of JoJo, does that count?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): it really isn’t all that bad, but I cannot recommended it, and thus Sum Merit, But No Stinkin Badges!

(don’t worry folks, only 4 more reviews left!)

‘Stop The Madness‘

the 80s anti-drug music video starring New Edition, LaToya Jackson, (a very young) Whitney Houston, Nancy Reagan, David Hasselhoff, Kim Fields, Herb Alpert, Casey Kasem, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and many others. With special guest appearance by Boogaloo Shrimp from Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo [Popbitch]

‘Electric Avenue’ by Eddy Grant [d]

Full Metal Jacket gets the honor of being the first Kubrick title released on HD-DVD. For those of yous dying to see Private Pyle blow his head off in the highest possible resolution

Unitarian Universalism shirts

Avoision Pro

Hello Kitty Toaster aint no HK-Dildo

Choose yer own ‘What Is Love’, but no love for the Coz?

Body floss [NSFW]

How did Resident Bush react to Stephen Colbert’s roast-tissere?

What do the new Radiohead tunes sound like?

Who ironically does 2-D(amon Albarn) want to duet with on the next Gorillaz album?

Where can you see a sheetload of beards and ‘staches in the NYC area?

When one sees something odd coming outta Japan, can we still blame Hiroshima? [NSFW via Marwanicur]

&

Why does it always rain on me? [d]

Mini’s First Time
A Baldwin Lose-Lose Situation
Trailer
US Release Date – this summer? Fitting, since mos summer fare blows the donkey balls yer mother tickles with her tongue

Written like 3 back to back busted-arsed episodes of Entourage (wait, aren’t they all busted-arsed?), Mini’s First Time is a complete failure. You sit there and watch, waiting for it to be good, but it never quite delivers the goods. Mini’s First Time is exactly what you think it is: a girl’s first time. But instead of treating it as a coming of age story, it’s more like the becoming of a whore story. Our Mini is played by the one-note Nikki Reed, who seems to be a 17 year-old version of the lecherous anti-christ she played in the harrowing flick that make me never want to have kids, Thirteen. And this time around, instead of ruining the lives of people her own age, she’s turned her attention to ruining the lives of her heavily loose and heavily drunk mother and stepfather, Carrie-Anne Moss and Alec Baldwin, both respectively wasting their time. You see, for no particular reason, Mini decides to turn tricks and her first client juss so happens to be her stepfather. She goes through with it, but makes sure he doesn’t know its her. Hmmm, he muss be purty dumb to not even recognize his own stepdaughter’s voice. Anywho, shortly thereafter, it’s revealed that she was indeed his fuck for a night and the two embark on a hot and heavy relationship, which to me was so unsettling that I couldn’t get behind them, and thus, couldn’t get behind anything that transgressed from that point forward. They try their best to keep their affair a secret, but they realize that her mom/his wife is standing in their way of true happiness. Since both don’t want her disposed of, they attempt to drive her crazy so she can be admitted to Arkham Asylum, but of course, thru reasons that aren’t even worth my werds, they end up offing her. Blah, blah, blah. Detective Luke Wilson comes in and starts snoopin around and blah, blah, blah. Mini = MC Skat Kat + Poopie². Lettuce be spankfully that the first time won’t likely begat a next time.

Recommended for those who like: Sophocles’ Oedipus Rex, bearskin blankets, and the wit and wisdom of Dr Ian Malcolm

Possible Porno Name: Mini’s First Time

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Lolita [old | new]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Pretty Girls Make Graves’ by The Smiths [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Svetlana Metkina may not be a household name, but I bet many have screamed her name while JOing to her fine NSFW work in Barbarian

TFF Thighspotting: someone thought me mum was Mary Stuart Masterson’s mum, although my mum is 24234 times better lookin, I mean, where do u think I got my franztastic semitic-looks from?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous